Sarah @itssarahdutcher Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

first draft of email: please fuck all the way off email sent: i apologize for any confusion

54

4K

41K

Last Seen Profiles

@KomrabaiKargbo

@LadyLlenaj

@Sbr219

@SummerHeatEvent

@TextSosa

@FlexKartel

@MiriamTeige

@djraize

@nicolabellomo

@PosAjaOfficial

@CanadaPE

@xB0und

@NoopurGhadeMD

@GhentST

@DRSPILZ

@syllabus_tweets

@naufarizaa

@paaatass

@Flat_What

@Peachpocky_

@BethAnnGriffin1

@macetatimida

@Mokovel_SC

@drummerosie

@analvids_gueens

@amescua10

@GridCity

@XVGins

@ashuaslvr

@welpplew

@bvekho

@ThirstyNara

@turbanlisever69

@fleabagreact

@miss_gines

@quanxeey

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

people be like “if you left california you can save $400 on rent and live 13+ hours from the ocean and you know no one here and you can’t easily find your favorite food or do your hobbies and the politicians are more actively trying to kill you”

878

11K

130K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

I should’ve divorced my husband when he said my UTI can’t actually be that bad (6 weeks into the 9 year marriage)

348

3K

96K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

After being indoors for too long: nothing matters :( After going on a short walk by the river: nothing matters :)

18

3K

30K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

6 months

this is what airbnb took from us

17

2K

28K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

the doctor at urgent care when I explained my symptoms

17

202

16K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” yes that’s when i got a weighted blanket

7

664

11K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

Home Alone gave me anxiety as a kid because I didn’t have any of the right toys to stop a home invasion

30

784

10K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

The key to parallel parking is to not care what other people think

18

704

9K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

what I pay in rent I save on fresh produce and tacos

35

95

7K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@eggs__mcgee @hollabekgrl What the fuck. They’re really telling you that you aren’t going to like your job or your pay check

7

58

7K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

16 days

@shOoObz @oopstimusprime when i say “guns are the most boring weapon, no contest” this is EXACTLY what i mean

5

53

7K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@SortaBad a coworker was horny in a meeting and YOU were the insane one??

4

32

6K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

10 months

to my cat: how are you so SMALL

5

464

6K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

At my age, my mom already had four kids and a husband she hated

17

243

5K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

people in the quote tweets acting like I haven’t seriously considered living in 15 different cities or that I haven’t spent weeks and weeks traveling in different states and assume I think their town is a shithole just because it’s not my personal preference 😂 very sensitive

43

42

5K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@Brittymigs I read a story about a girl who pretended to not know what harvard is. She asked guys bragging about it if it’s the local community college

15

43

5K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@nickykens i waited to have sex until marriage and it was... fine. i was, however, pleasantly surprised to find out that sex can be more than fine after the divorce

11

50

4K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

getting married young is great, because you get that first divorce out of the way early

23

361

4K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@raunchonpizza Exactly. That’s why “lol.” is grammatically incorrect

5

21

3K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@kellyblaus two months i finally got the courage to ask someone what this meme means, like what is he doing to em. i cannot describe the disappointment i felt when i learned that the joke is “nothing. he’s not doing anything to em and that’s why it’s funny.” like omg wtf

15

10

2K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@imbethmccoll my dumbass thought mango lassi

21

28

2K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

the “why did you bring a water bottle” to “can i have some water” pipeline

10

161

2K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@imonsabbatical Good for you!! That is THE move

1

2

2K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@JesusChrist_alt My friend lived in Kodiak at the time and said people were actually excited, and that Pitbull was really cool about it

3

0

2K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

5 months

it’s a myth that “hoes don’t get cold.” if you’re cold, they’re cold. bring them inside

5

203

2K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@bestinsio to me it’s the opposite. like you’re wearing pants? why are you hiding your legs? what’s so embarrassing about your legs that you’re hiding them

29

28

2K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

9 days

i became pro-palestine in 10th grade, when i read an article about the IDF shooting at kids my age whose weapons were rocks. i decided if someone is shooting at someone else who doesn’t have a gun, the person with the gun is unethical. that philosophy has served me well

Read Let This Radicalize You

@JoshuaPHilll

11 days

A young man in the West Bank reportedly took down this Israeli drone with a rock.

160

2K

13K

6

103

1K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@perfectsweeties as a longtime department trainer, please know that as long as you aren’t fucking annoying, we are SO proud of you, and you’re doing really well

3

9

1K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@SortaBad You were being a good citizen! It is our duty as citizens of the internet to send people to horny jail

2

4

1K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@uncooljerk instead i have the pure bliss of waking up without the need to smoke something that smells hella gross

11

23

1K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@lemonsproda the way poor people buy fast fashion is not comparable to influencers or whoever says they only wear outfits twice. i have piece of “fast fashion” from 10 years ago! i buy something and i make it last

16

29

1K

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@cottoncandaddy why do family members of cops act like they didn’t sign up for this shit? if you didn’t want to be married to a cop, don’t marry a cop? Also just don’t marry cops

3

9

952

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@SortaBad a citizens bonk, if you will

1

0

903

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

ok I’ll bite: who’s Jack Harlow

25

64

911

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

I’m California sober (haven’t had an avocado in like, 10 days)

8

39

821

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 months

@sydneyjanexo gender is a spectrum of fred armisen characters

0

66

703

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

third date idea: out pizza the hut

9

59

703

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@jenbegakis Gonna write a fanfic about this

1

2

651

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

4 months

@SailTheIagean the way you use “whore” contradicts picky. sounds like a you-problem

0

2

627

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@aceofcase1 @ivanajokealot They need to start making depression commercials more specific. Separate ones for apartment depression vs my backyard didn’t solve my problems depression

0

25

606

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@krogerbrandfaye i have a joke about oral that lasts 45+ minutes and a man (who’s my friend so it wasn’t weird) told me “ya know, if they know what they’re doing, they wouldn’t need 45 minutes.” i was just like 🙁 bc if you know what you’re doing, it’s good the whole time

1

5

578

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@hicryptocutie they’re weak

1

2

558

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@sarixnotxsari @bocxtop @sarahlugor that is brutal. you’re a survivor 😇

0

1

549

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

4 years

@thatoneleafgirl I thought this video was gonna end by someone telling them to put on a mask or at least something funny. Kinda a waste of time

1

5

551

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

Someone says “white bitch” in public and I turn around like it’s my name

6

36

554

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@impossiblyeve for real does anyone else remember when netflix first released the new arrested development and they had categories that each of the characters would like (without specifically saying which was whose) and buster’s were all movies about juice lmao

2

8

538

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

I could never date someone with a motorcycle because I need to be the most annoying person in the relationship

6

40

524

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

your rejection can’t hurt me. my elementary school crush never picked me in thumbs up 7 up

8

40

503

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@turntretarded noooo don’t go gentle into that good night ur so sexy aha

1

47

491

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

Me waiting for my zoom date to begin

8

27

480

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

martha stewart is 7 years older than charles lmao colonizing is sobad for the skin

3

37

489

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@itszaeok how is this not easily ed sheeran? all of his songs are either shape of you or thinking out loud. he only has two settings and both involve the worst voice on modern radio

14

4

476

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

since I’m divorced, i technically can’t have pre-marital sex

18

20

462

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@raunchonpizza “We need to talk lol.” vs “we need to talk...” oof both awful

1

430

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@raunchonpizza One is from my sister, one is from my mom

1

0

425

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@gripgrand 17 years is a while. someone should’ve recommended cranberry pills

3

1

443

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@externaljew you need the free hand to open doors tho

3

1

422

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

I have an ex who LOVED James Blunt’s “Youre Beautiful” song and I had to pretend that wasn’t embarrassing

13

9

417

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@KarenBDougherty @msmandypandy I think there’s a difference between red flag (warning) and a dealbreaker (immediate stop) but there are a lot of red flags and a lot of dealbreakers people need to pay more attention to

1

3

388

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

the grinch would absolutely destroy jack skellington in a fight

11

46

395

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@theashleyray it’s hard watching 90’s shows because there’s an insane discrepancy between julia louis-dreyfus or lisa kudrow and any of the men they date

2

3

395

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@credenzaclear2 there’s a certain type of guy who still acts like the middle schooler who found out something new about sex and loves to tell everyone about it to make them uncomfortable. they think they’re so funny and edgy when they’re just cringe

1

8

386

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

7 months

hey, i know everything is terrible. but remember when the cop flew down the slide? that was nice! remember the good times 💖

3

26

357

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

I got set up on a blind date for a wedding but luckily he’s a cutie

14

3

332

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

7 months

@alphatransfag if you show up an hour after me, it doesn’t make sense for you to get to be in front just because you’re short

20

6

338

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

the only consolation customer service reps have is sending each other your insane emails and laughing at you

6

14

331

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@EdHotnix how much more am I spending on my heating and on jackets? and are your beaches nice??

16

1

321

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

4 years

@TaylorLorenz Easy. This person was raised by the crawfish. The first crawfish gave a pedicure, but forgot that the person needs to fit shoes on. The person bought the black shoes for the crawfish to feel included.

0

3

320

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

16 days

@shOoObz where’s the character development!

0

1

330

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

me petting a new cat: you’re nice but my cats are so much cuter. funnier, too

1

48

318

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@katelynanne there’s nothing here that implies she has food issues or sensory issues. she just needs ranch for every meal? that alone sounds gross but we can safely judge her for leaving her date to buy other food. that’s just rude

10

1

314

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

I’m sneezing so much that at this rate my period will be over in two days

9

23

309

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@zachsilberberg he looks like he’d be the doll that my sisters use as a scapegoat for every plot line. like if our barbie’s were fighting off home invaders, it would’ve been michael cera that accidentally let them into the house

3

11

304

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@jenbegakis Gonna change it to a coffee shop though. He’s the barista

1

2

293

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@afivegantenna @kellyblaus That’s exactly what I feared

1

0

282

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

1 year

@ProtonInspector how long do you think they waited before doing this? a couple hours? five minutes?

1

0

291

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

7 months

@ecchi_roll @TheWapplehouse “humans” are you a bot

1

0

292

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@sophiawpelton My sister is 6’ and has this hair. She’s very, very powerful. I tried having this hair, but I couldn’t manage it. I’m too weak.

1

0

276

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@ScottishMoo @nazzobetweeting These are so vague, they’re barely anything at all. These are just normal things in a relationship

17

0

263

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@existentialkale they don't even compliment her breasts. it's just a statement of size. how are you supposed to respond to that?

5

0

269

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@xanabon i am constantly doing everything i can to be like other girls. not because of any jealousy or self hatred, i just love the girls around me so much

1

17

262

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@littIe_dead People actin like the Virgin Mary hasn’t always represented female sexuality and the rose windows (above the main entrance of the church) in cathedrals don’t represent her cervix

4

259

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

this dane cook situation pisses me off. when i got in a relationship with an older man at 18, he was broke. i had no idea i could’ve married a rich celebrity

3

7

264

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

I’m just a girl, asking a customer, to leave me alone

1

16

256

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

my favorite part of having adhd is the fat ass that comes with it

8

30

241

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

Self love is keeping multiple types of cheese in the house at all times

5

38

246

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

I just found an avocado at peak ripeness in my fridge and the sound I made was NSFW

5

8

242

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@matthewgoldin

1

3

232

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

3 years

@ElyKreimendahl That’s why I don’t think body positivity works for the people intended. You can’t go from hating something to loving it. You need to first recognize what it does for you, and learn to appreciate that

4

8

231

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@michelle_byoung @BrandonHarami It’s a nice house, but it’s so generic. It’s hard to imagine something this generic is a “dream house”

109

2

226

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

4 years

@1followernodad This discourse is validating bc I got married at 18 when my husband was 25, and he acts like he doesn’t understand why one of my reasons for divorce is, “i was too young, esp for our age difference”

7

0

220

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

male birth control does exist it’s called not sharing your fries

4

27

214

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

my hair did what it was supposed to, can i get a w

20

4

207

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@melsideponytail Wish my mom was proud of how charming I am at networking events

0

6

209

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

4 years

@Thesciencevort1 Why is her makeup off putting to me? Is it the lipstick? Can someone who’s better at makeup tell me what she’s doing wrong and why it feels weird?

46

1

204

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

6 months

@eringracecooper i love this for real but i also want to know if they have search filters for “within 5 miles of handsome widowers”

1

0

215

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

this was meant to say that she hated her husband. She didn’t start to dislike the kids until we got much older

4

2

206

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

why are girls’ trips always to vegas or palm springs, and never the skeleton coast national park in namibia

6

17

203

Sarah

@itssarahdutcher

2 years

@ElaniKitten My ex (Mike) thought I wasn’t “fun” anymore when I started having my own taste in movies and music 🙃

2

1

205