John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety @johnvvariety Twitter profile

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

13 days

THE JOHN V. VARIETY HOUR rides again with GENDER NEUTRAL SONG, a murderfucked dance track about sexuality, with an insane MV by @lartlewaht . I’m back bitch. Please share, I paid $10k to post this in full

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

My older friend was in undergrad on 9/11. And he he got up late & class was cancelled, and he went to check the TV but there was a crowd. So he tried to see a movie but it was cancelled, increasing his irritation. I want to write a show where he just keeps almost discovering 9/11

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@johnvvariety

2 years

THe hottest foreplay dirty talk you can do is to tell a girl that you're hard for the first time ever and it's scaring you, and you start screaming

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

Love the Alex Jones lawyer who leaked his whole phone sitting there motionless trying to look like “The Thinker”. This is 100% what I would do

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

New CDC campaign is honestly pretty good

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

Like there's cliffhangers, he's at an airport bar going to a retreat alone for whatever reason and he's about to see 9/11 news on TV but he meets a strange woman who leads him to a card game. Keeps getting 9s & 11s, almost finding it in his subconscious.. Giving myself goosebumps

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

11 months

Jar Jar Binks is the most astounding character ever created. To even apply a race when calling him racist makes you racist. It’s like racism quicksand. George Lucas was a very specific kind of genius

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

4 months

This site rocks post-apocalypse. It's a fucking warzone. Look at this shit. These "twin grandmas move in". What the fuck does that mean. Are they both widows? These viral garbage bait prompts are becoming Ulysses to me

🌹One Less Lonely Girl🌹

@st_weightloss

4 months

Fellas, what’s your next move??

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

1 year

Most shameless rebrand I have ever seen. Dude put on some water weight and acted like he didn’t spend the previous half decade rapping “I cook my own dinner, call that Flavor Fave. I count my own money , call me Money Dave”

mariano 🦦

@oscos

1 year

donald glover was trending for a whole year when this dropped

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

gf: how are half the cookies from last night gone me: (hoarse voice and bug eyes) Well. This is your Perry Mason moment

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

Love the love for "9/10 1/2" (ty @BassoonJokes )...my ideas •Opening = Dan cruising while planes crash as "What's Goin' On?" plays •He flips to the 9/11 concert but he's like ugh IMAGINE? Hate this song •Please hire me to write real TV. I have spec scripts that aren't shitposts

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

1 year

My favorite western divide is how Americans are like “SSRIs keep me alive, it’s the only way I can exist now, They are god to me”. and with europeans it’s “they prescribe it maybe a month here, sometimes. Kind of weird feeling. Not good for party. Don’t understand point honestly”

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@johnvvariety

5 years

"can you believe mick jagger was only 23 when he wrote paint it black?" Yes i absolutely can, and had assumed it already. It's a three minute song about how a proto goth teen in the 1960s wants everything to be black because he thinks it's really dark and akin to his twisted mind

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@johnvvariety

2 years

"Riders on the Storm" is the funniest fucking famous song. It's the sound of an entire scene and generation coming down off drugs. Totally brain-fried hippie idiots playing gentle cocktail music while an idiot mumbles about a cool car in some rain. That song is the Tate murders

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@johnvvariety

5 years

Drone is not real music. Anyone can play one note for a long time, look [holds down organ note to prove point but I instantly become entirely entranced by the sustained oneness and experience of completely pure sensuality, I forget Im pissed and just stand there in eternal peace]

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

I went from BMCC to Columbia and had a playwriting mentor at New Dramatists. I've made 5 pilots, 2 w/ @DeputyWarlock . If it culminates in an agent seeing this asinine "concept" & me doing scenes about a guy wearing earbuds past Taliban protests my life have been a very good prank

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

4 years

devastated by the news... This can’t be real

Mark Wahlberg Just Clashed With Dr. Oz Over Intermittent Fasting

The muscular actor and TV doctor are beefing about breakfast.

www.menshealth.com

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

5 years

Very telling, you almost never this image scattered across the TL anymore. it’s a different website now. People dont want you to have been passed the virtual joint. They want to pass you over , and take sweet cyber tokes all for themselves. Well not me. I want you to have it man

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

15 days

@bugposting I love to press the button in the BAD TUMMY LOSER IDIOT aisle and it says ATTENTION CVS EMPLOYEES, THIS GUY SUCKS

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

I laughed out loud like a stupid fucking goblin after posting this last night because I thought it was so rude to share such a dumb thought. I have no idea what this website wants anymore. Should i write a new spec pilot called The Man Who Was Never Hard

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

1 year

The end of "The Whatever 90's" was the release of Californication by RHCP. Not only is it a hookless ballad titled after the most puerile sex pun imaginable, the first lyric is "Psychic spies from China try to steal your mind's elation". It went 5x platinum. 9/11 was inevitable

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@johnvvariety

5 years

Yes females, we agree that Beavis is not hot. He's a cloying, desperate, nervous man. But Cornholio is not Beavis--Cornholio is Beavis at masculinity perfected. He is a Beavis of purer will; free of hesitation, invulnerable to threat or attack. He is a sensual lord and living God

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

Dog owners say normal stuff like good boy or waggin buddy or something while cat owners always say creepy shit like loaf stance and crumpus pose. This is due to our collective schizophrenia from Toxoplasma

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@johnvvariety

1 year

@CinemaLord1 @thamosdeaf

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@johnvvariety

3 years

Stephen Colbert is a great human marker for the decline of comedy 2005-~2014: Acerbic characters, daring humor, a refined multiplicity ~2016-2019: Repeating things the president says and crying 2020: Sitting in his nightmarish dollhouse having template Skype convos with Jadakiss

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@johnvvariety

11 years

dude dont talk to me until ive had my coffee haha. yea can i get a frozen Dunkachino with 14 sugars & a new type of cream called super cream

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@johnvvariety

1 year

Sorry but I can’t believe this is the MK Ultra Guy. Imagine if you played a big time no snowflakes edgy guy online all the time while looking like a fictional 1990s pro wrestler named “Mr. Wuss”

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@johnvvariety

10 years

god: [inventing vomiting] dont worry. this is actually cool angel: that doesnt look cool at all. some of the stuff you think is cool sucks

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@johnvvariety

11 years

the boxing & fight sports guys spit out the water they sip because the coach is always whispering black friday tv deals in their ears

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@johnvvariety

11 years

put your best foot forward..next, put your 2nd best foot forward. welcome to walking. its insanely cool and its 100% free

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@johnvvariety

2 years

I hate to QT even once but this seems monumental. Twitter people have exited reality. They no longer live in the world we've known. They can say things like, "No one knows most of Thriller", or "No one has seen a David Lynch film", and it doesn't matter. That's breakfast for them

Michael Knowles

@michaeljknowles

2 years

No one is actually a Prince fan. Most people know two words of the chorus of “Purple Rain,” but I am not convinced that anyone has even ever heard another Prince song.

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

You don’t have to do the meme tonmake this joke. You can just say like “this was every 90s music video”. Please bro you don’t need the ubiquitous setup bro just tell the joke pleasde

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@PropaneFitness

2 years

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

5 years

Seinfeld in interviews: Being in comedy is like being a Navy SEAL. You're on the frontlines, you're on these campuses, they're war zones. They dont want us speaking the truth Seinfeld onstage: Ever wonder why they call it "salad days"? Salad's not really the main event is it lol

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

4 years

heres my impression of a musician in the 90s discovering Pavement covered his song: What a delight...these young fellows in the "Pavement" band have covered one of my classic numbers... Let's have a listen, then... my word!! They're slacking it!! They're horsing around the tune!!

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@johnvvariety

2 years

Prince's vernacular is my favorite for music nerd stuff because it's like, yea he had this unreleased proto-house funk tune, incredibly syncopation, think it's got FM synth. Anyway here's the link [spotify popup that says "WONDERFUL ASS (12" JIZZIN' MIX)"]

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@johnvvariety

3 months

the Beatles movie should star Connor O'Malley and Tom Green and Eric Andre and Michael Showalter and they should all be screaming the entire time and it shouldn't be clear who is playing which person

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@johnvvariety

11 years

cocaine is a sexy luxurious drug *pacing man on coke asks his high gf to call her 8 y.o nephew so he can tell him how much he respects him*

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

10 years

chicks like it when you text back a pic of a dumb cartoon raisin with the words "Raisin hell" every single time they ask what you're doing

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@johnvvariety

2 years

Covid is a sad hoax and all of you are govt cows being led by your nose rings (I catch Covid so bad it makes major internet news) Anyone who makes fun of me for this should be put in prison

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@johnvvariety

4 months

This modern art sucks. My kid could paint this. He's a genius of technique and symbolism. I hate him. I dream of his accidental demise

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@johnvvariety

1 year

This is the simplest joke i’ve ever made, it’s a stylized anecdote from being in Europe 2yrs, the joke is they don’t do SSRIs but they do party drugs and also are maybe happier with health care and democratic socialism. You guys flip like this 1 post/week. Please see neurologists

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@johnvvariety

6 years

Noticing a lot of similarities between today's politics events, and those of Ancient Rome.. too many to list. i could never list only one, since the rich history is so vastly prescient, and im 100% aware of all of it

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@johnvvariety

11 years

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

10 years

ugh rappers are so fucking egotistical. miss the days when Pink Floyd erected a wall onstage & sang songs about how stupid their fans were

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@johnvvariety

3 years

Brian Eno you bastard. You sinned big time when you gave cred to U2. But you came back with that sweet ass Windows 95 sound and all was forgiven

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@johnvvariety

3 years

Negronis are the worst major cocktail and it is not close. They look like a girly candy drink, taste like gasoline and perfume, and sound racist

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@johnvvariety

6 years

I cant believe i spent all that bitcoin back in 2012...instead of having those good times on drugs with my friends, I could be manically refreshing the exchange rate for weeks before getting beheaded by cyber mercenaries in the swiss alps

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

10 years

*catches attention of guy wearing jean jacket across the room* *points to the jeans on my legs, then to his jacket, followed by a thumbs up*

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@johnvvariety

3 months

I think a lot of people are gonna look back at their early 20s and be like oh Marijuana was cool and chilled me out and made me funny and I was able to simulate the priceless sensation of getting high with an adult Bart Simpson in his robe & ascot and lo fi chill ranch style home

Brizz-Chan (Mr drive)

@billybrizzle420

3 months

I think a lot of people are gonna look back at their early 20s and be like oh Marijuana was hugely detrimental to my mental health for years

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

5 years

It's an alpha move to invite a woman over for "Carl Sagan's Cosmos and chill" seemingly ironically but then watch actual hours of it with them in a totally platonic manner while taking painful bong hits and rudely shushing them each time they try to initiate relevant conversation

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@johnvvariety

11 years

welcome back to physics. im your profs twin brother. he quit school after u all made fun of his tattoos. todays lesson is on quantum Manners

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@johnvvariety

5 years

Here’s why Twitter sucks. if i said, right now “What was god smokin’ when he made earth?? Prob primo shit lol,” EVERY one of us would think that was hilarious. Yet inevitably, someone would swoop in and spoil our joyous party, likely one of many renowned theologians who follow me

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@johnvvariety

4 years

This guy should be the mascot of twitter instead of that stupid little bird

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@johnvvariety

11 months

@AmateurExpertOp yeah that one’s clear

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@johnvvariety

11 months

“Cocaine” by Eric Clapton is the greatest deterrent to cocaine abuse ever released. It’s so unbelievably uncool. It sounds like a theme to a tv show about cars. It makes cocaine sound wildly lame somehow

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@johnvvariety

1 year

I know we like to goof on it but i still think it's kind of an achievement that Hemingway was able to convey such tragedy in so few words

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@johnvvariety

11 years

(life shields its mouth & does a high pitch voice) Hey guys i think life is actually cool

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@johnvvariety

1 year

Joyce Carol Oates spent years on here charging her posting crystal by saying shit like "Why do we let the birds police the sky like aviation fascists?" for years and now she's knocking out NYT pundits and shutting down trans bathroom discourse. She has hit Super Saiyan Joyce Lv.2

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@johnvvariety

1 year

@AstuteCFO @MKUltraMoney This is seriously the triggered frog edge meister cry more guy? He looks like he cries several times per day

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@johnvvariety

11 years

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

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@johnvvariety

6 years

banned from DJing at yet another Berlin club for refusing to stop referring to 12-inch records as “Footlongs" and incessantly asking the dancefloor if they're "ready for that toasty melt"

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@johnvvariety

10 years

imagine new years eve 100 years ago hahah. "Damn 1914 is gonna be cool, i bet there wont be war" There was loser. your new year sucked

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@johnvvariety

6 years

the witness protection program should be open to everyone. You should be able to walk in and say, hello, I have witnessed too many of life's terrors and i would like a new one now. Please conceal me from my loved ones and fabricate someone else for me to be, thank you ma'am

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@johnvvariety

10 years

it'd be cool if we all agreed to put gene simmons in jail for the rest of his life for no reason and we filmed his confusion & anger for tv

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@johnvvariety

11 years

babe do you honestly need me to sign the receipt or do you just want the autograph of a man who can afford to spend 15 big ones on breakfast

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@johnvvariety

5 years

Marquee Moon is a beautiful song about grim life in the Big City and the eerily performative evenings which serve as backdrop to its citizens’ delusions of grandeur, also it’s about a guy who gets revenge on a condescending old gravekeeper by playing guitar solos at him for 10min

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@johnvvariety

5 years

Me on powerful psychedelics: i am United with all strangers in the world, who like myself, have clear motives of purity and love Me not on psychedelics: Everyone wants to kill me and i am alien from my impulses and desire Me just normal at a store: Hey can i get a pack of hi chew

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@johnvvariety

9 years

juicy j: "Inhale, exhale, go to jail, im postin bail" rap genius editor: here he describes a cyberpunk city where its illegal to breathe air

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@johnvvariety

11 months

@alluringfog Fuck to jar jar albanians serbs invented language

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@johnvvariety

1 year

@reverse_vampire The brain shock it is no good. Next time I sleep too much I will have tiny coffee

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@johnvvariety

1 month

“I don’t LIKE her songs but I get why she’s the most famous person in the world”. No you don’t. These are offensively sophomoric teen ballads written by your postgrad coworker who would tell your boss when you left at 4:50. You are afraid of her inhuman fans. It’s like sci fi now

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@johnvvariety

3 years

@ByYourLogic That guy was the least surprising Me Too of all time. I was surprised he didn't sell the blonde ratgirl into slavery

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@johnvvariety

11 years

the baseball guy keeps running around the plates after the home run scoring more points. they cant stop him. he figured out the game and won

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@johnvvariety

1 year

I think about this all the time still. It's one of the cruelest stories I've ever seen. TRAUMATIZED LOSER: Repeatedly RAPED former child star tries to eat SHITTY LUNCH in PEACE on LONELY CHRISTMAS

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@johnvvariety

5 years

I hate being the big spoon to my lover and having to make my arm jnto a "sieg heil" shape under the pillow all night to avoid cramping my arm—imbuing the visage of Hitler to my most intimate moments, his eyes appearing each time we kiss, his face materializing each time we climax

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@johnvvariety

4 years

i cant believe theyre officially changing the name of the United States of America to "The World Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Die"

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@johnvvariety

1 year

@HipChinaZoos I would’ve said ahh this makes sense they were already getting a little weird on Rubber Soul. I think tbis analogy would work if they were called The Hip Cat Beat Dudes and started out making songs called Im Mr Steal Your Girlfriend lol.

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@johnvvariety

11 years

Our new album is basically one big "fuck you" to Hitler. We did some research recently and none of us in Metallica approve of what he did

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@johnvvariety

10 years

heres law school: "sustained" is basically "settle down beavis." "overruled" also means "settle down beavis," but to the other guy instead

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@johnvvariety

10 years

one thing hitler got right was having the stache in every picture. you cant Hitler-Stache any pic of hitler. hes invincible in that sense

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@johnvvariety

10 years

heres my impression of teachers: Uh oh this rain is getting all over my pleated pants, i hope i dont drop my briefcase full of the alphabet

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@johnvvariety

3 years

It takes a lot of work and a lot of loneliness but saying "it doesn't get any better than this" to yourself out loud at the right moment is the funniest joke in the entire world. It somehow makes me comprehend buddhism

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@johnvvariety

5 years

I love when i steal cop’s gun and successfully flee the scene, then use the serial # to find the officer and send him taunting pics of me doing cool stuff like unintuitively smoking weed out of it and eating donuts off of it, until i am swiftly tracked and murdered by a swat team

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

11 years

i made a radio edit of Ignition (Remix) for the kids. its just the parts where he imitates train toots & car horns. its a fun ode to travel

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

4 years

reading up on harvard

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@johnvvariety

9 years

Goofus: if i were a chick id play with my tits lol Gallant: gender is actually just a social construct, but i would also play with my tits

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@johnvvariety

4 years

TV: 799 died in our Metropolitan area last night, me: big deal. thats basically 700 DM: dude pr0spector got banned again me : (Tossing all of the shit off my desk and crying)

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

3 years

If you're one of those "music is life" people but you have a real job, you gotta grow up. If you really liked music you would ruin your life for it

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@johnvvariety

2 years

nerd on twitter cosplaying as an alcoholic: only 5 hours until it's Beer time. Two miller high lifes tonight call that living a double life lol. Damn... Beer... real alcoholic i know: (all consumption implicit) hey man im in my car. i think im bleeding. Lol

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

10 years

on sexual healing he sings "wake up" but then the line right after is "lets get down tonight." i just woke up marvin. lets play today by ear

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

4 years

ian curtis: Hey guys i got some new songs. Theyre called "Atrocity Exhibition", "Isolation", "Means to an End", "Shame of Existence", and "Death Apology (Suicide Sorry)" joy division: bloody hell ian those sound like bangers. Let's get rocking then innit--nothing of concern here

1

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546

John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

10 years

Lassie: *barks about the guy inside the well* Me: What's that girl? Join weezer? Give up on life and become touring guitarist for Weezer?

4

176

521

John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

10 years

"Yea there should be a good serial killer hero who fucks. and then the weed Milf, she does all the guys." - CEO of Showtime, Kevin, Age 14

2

118

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

3 years

The Master will be vindicated as one of the last great American films before we lost the thread. That film is just character and liquid narrative and cinematic magic. No conclusion, no message. One of the last masterpieces in an endless 3 Billboards era of Dramedies With Messages

15

21

539

John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

1 year

@tdrunktconsent1 I lived in Europe for 2 years and you can google their SSRI rates lol. Make up one funny joke

4

0

531

John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

5 years

If your song doesn't end with a world-ending explosion noise, or at least the thing where everyone plays their instruments really hard at the same time, sorry but, that's barely a song. that's like you've whispered a secret to me--A secret, my friend, that i will very soon forget

0

52

537

John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

5 years

Tired of the tree oracle who lives in the tree in my yard fucking bogarting all of his wisdoms and prophecies from me. Get the fuck over yourself dude. Youre lucky i let you do your oracle shit on my property, the least you could do is reveal to me the mystical secrets of foliage

0

99

516

John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

11 years

im an adult now. i write my name in a cool squiggly way on important pieces of paper. its my secret name line that only i can do

6

195

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

3 years

I wouldn't mind being reincarnated as an ATM. Just spitting money at people. Mostly you would see human joy or relief. Might witnes a few muggings but what's that when you're a seasoned teller machine of many ages

3

38

511

John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

10 years

pewiod. end of stowy. i wowk hawd and i play hawdew. in mba school me and my fwat pushed a howmless owd man into a wavine

8

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John "MORE NEW MUSIC L@@K'' V. Variety

@johnvvariety

2 years

@Pirkage I left this out cause it's not as fun, I think finally he just ran into someone in the evening. The real show will have him come to the revelation atop the empire state building

11

2

506