Mike F @DeputyWarlock Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@77024Basketball

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@xenon_pablo

@ITWBroadway

@RobotechNews

@owo_utekiro

@PomniTheJester_

Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

5 months

My sister made mimosas with little round orange juice ice cubes and it looks like a cup of raw eggs

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

theres a line in that new tim allen santa clause show, where they say they cant bring the reindeer to brooklyn, because the hipsters will put fedoras on them. the show came out just recently in november of 2022

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 months

summer is the season for eating clearly defined shapes. hamburger. hot dog. pizza. winter is primarily for foods you couldnt hang on the wall. stews and casseroles. autumn is a transitional period because you have big turkey leg but also stuffing

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Love to have nice conversations with people and find out what they're into

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 months

It would have been funnier if the dune popcorn bucket was a black cube that makes you feel intense pain when you put your hand in it, and if you take your hand out an amc employee kills you

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

10 months

I guess you're supposed to sweat through it but this would be a great shirt for a fat guy to wear in the pool

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 months

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there's no need to malign the ass in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 months

Gigantic 2 mile long sandworm traversing vast stretch of desert: oh my god is that 4 dudes. This is just the satisfying meal I need for my big body

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Bartender: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Palmer: Mm..its good..I just invented it

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

I don't like to say "bless you" when someone sneezes because I don't know if they're religious or not. So instead I just say "I hope you never do that again"

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Ah man I'd love to come to your barbecue but I'm not hungry that weekend

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Any f word?

Gar Gar Binks

@ThatGuyGarrick

3 years

You can drop a single f-word into Star Wars, which character would get to say it?

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

11 months

@tom_on_here quiet baby. we need to fucking scoot. i think one of them had a bazooka.

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 month

Hello? Operator?

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Ok I'm intrigued...

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

i just found out beef is made out of dirt 🫢

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

its cool that the pandemic is happening a second time and this round i get to play through as an anti mask guy and unlock new easter eggs

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Filling the bottom rack of the dishwasher with cornish game hens, filling the top rack with boil-in-bag vegetables, putting a few bouillon cubes in the detergent compartment and putting it on the power dinner cycle

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

9 months

Nick Worrall 🎸

@heathensquirrel

9 months

Make a 20-track comp of your all-time fav tracks, each artist can only feature once. Not the 'best' songs, the ones that bring instant joy the second you hear the first note, the ones that give other people the best insight into what stirs your soul. Share when ready. #20tracks

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

if i sleep for 12 hours in a row one night, i should get to stay up for 2 days in a row without getting tired. and i should get 250 dollars each time i do it

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

"oh we're so small and insignificant in the universe" - guy who lives on the planet that has won every superbowl ever, and gotten best picture at the oscars every year

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 month

It is NEVER ok to abandon your pet to a shelter. If you don't want to take care of it anymore, just cook it into a stew, or a chili.

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

me seeing my neighbor on his balcony: hey how's it going man my neighbor firing a mutazoidal ray at me that morphs me into a slug: my slug ray is finally complete you piece of shit

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Weed before liquor makes you run quicker, liquor before weed increases your speed

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

17 days

Tip: if you're googling the solution to a problem, add "reddit" to the search inquiry to find out what an even stupider dickhead would do in your situation

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

there should be a movie like children of the corn where a guy goes to a town run by evil children and just single handedly whips the piss out of them when they try to kill him. just absolutely paints their wagons. atomic wedgies etc. its ok because the kids are evil in the movie

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Thinking about my boy Gandalf 17 years old and looking incredible in his sweater

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Battery investigation? Hope he doesn't get charged lol

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

4 months

It's funny when guys are like "if you wear a safety vest and carry a clipboard you can get in pretty much anywhere 😏" cause it only applies to places you wouldn't want to get into like a hotel loading dock or an employee bathrom. You couldn't get into like, a movie

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

10 months

Me waving at my neighbor: hey buddy how's it going my neighbor driving over me in his ford F-450 it goes completely over me the undercarriage is like 2 inches above my head, he throws a full beer can out the window at me: hey Mike im gonna kill you on my way home later

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

(approaching the drummer at the bar after a show) hey man you were really fast up there tonight. with the (doing air drums at him) you were fuckin, speedy gonzales up there man. some quick little mitts on you huh

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Corn mazes are so stupid. Duhh let me use these vegetables to create a difficult situation for myself. Maybe later I can try to escape a potato sack or lose my keys in a giant salad

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Your dasher ThaFoodToucha is approaching with your order!

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Me and the squad at the skate park with no boards

Kyle Hill

@Sci_Phile

3 years

Reminder that science is still hard

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

9 months

@dril Thoughtlessly wrote "Nuts" on the chalkboard and my foremost teachers pet took back the apple he had gifted me that morning

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Castle Freak is such a perfect movie because as soon as you hear the title you know theres a castle, and theres a freak in it. and if you want to see that type of thing you got a safe bet on your hands. Most other movie titles ask the viewer to take a much bigger risk

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

They say it is a poor workman who blames his tools, but it's an even worse workman who makes these shitty ass tools I have

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

(picture of huge pale brown shape) it's time for twelve pounds of Hog Ass to go in the smoker boys (14 hours later picture of a smaller dark brown shape) oh you boys know how fucking good this looks!!

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

I hate it when a recipe tells me to use a "handful" of fresh cilantro or parsley or whatever. Like dog do you know how much I can grab at once? I guarantee it's more than the right amount

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

11 months

coworker brought his grandson in today to do some work, and then just left. then like halfway through the day i get a call that i have to go outside because the boy has somehow accidentally locked himself in a hot car. when i opened it he said "i thought i was gonna die in there"

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Thinking about a movie where a kid finds an old leather baseball glove that makes him insanely good at baseball, and he finds out its made of Babe Ruth's skin

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Damn these edibles are like my dad's cousin... I bite into them at a small get together and 90 minutes later they hit me way harder than I would think would be reasonable

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

The packaging on crackers is always funny to me, where they show their brand of cracker with a bunch of really fancy stuff on it. Like "want a simple delicious snack? How about you make some good food, and then slide one of our little piece of shits under it? You're welcome"

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

7 months

hey man im sorry if we got off on the wrong foot. why don't you just say four or five things to me real quick and i'll try and agree with at least three of them

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

i will never report the details of my operating system's malfunctions to the manufacturer in order to help improve performance. my computer is a loyal friend and im not going to rat it out for making a mistake

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

9 months

RIP to the union guys who fought for the 8 hour work day and the 5 day work week. If it was me i would have made it 6 and 4. and i would have doubled the pay. But nice try guys

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

so pumped on that new zelda. cant wait to help this elf solve a problem at some kind of church in the woods for 200 hours

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

European: i bet you don't even know how many countries are in Europe American: we have an area 1.5x the size of Europe that we just use to store corn we're not planning to eat, three of my cousins went four wheeling there and drowned in the corn, it wasn't even on the news

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Crashing a u haul into a tree, then renting a second u haul with a fake ID and backing it into the first one at full speed and switching the plates to make it look like the fake guy rear ended me

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

It's cool being friends with one of the two neon guys in the city

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

if something is going "at a snail's pace" that means it's going as fast as it possibly can. which is what snails are doing at all times

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

lmao

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

trader joes cashier bagging my items: oh these cookies are soo good. i LOVE them. i get them all the time and i just eat them up! me: fine. fucking just take them, theyre yours. cookie ass motherfucker

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

10 months

Im a total bathroom addict. You can always find me relieving myself. I never "have to" go I want to go. 'Throom to the tomb baby. I go in there to win there.

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

Submitting these to the patent office now, hope I'm not too late

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

man imagine being an ancient egyptian and showing up to work on monday your boss describes like the biggest triangle you ever heard of and says if you dont build it hes gonna kill you. at that point you're just like "great im getting killed by my boss now i guess"

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

@dril You really go to the same preschool as your kid?

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

people say the most fucked up part of the matrix is when neil and infinity kill all those security guards. but the part that keeps me up at night is when that leukemia kid says there is no spoon, but there is 100% a spoon fully visible in the scene. why did he say that

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

synesthesia is an extremely rare and fascinating condition that certain people love to pretend to have. symptoms include having to go to the doctors office because you accidentally thought of two things at once

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

26 days

Always praise in public and criticize in private. if your waiter does a bad job, leave a 25% tip, but follow him into the kitchen and try to put his finger on the grill for a couple seconds

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

The four horsemen of being a shitty cook

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

You been listening to music? That new album is sick. I especially liked the bangers on it

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Judge: now wait a second Mike. If the other players were hacking, wouldn't that make their kills on you unfair? Me: that's right your honor

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

you know you're getting old when you start to see people who you graduated high school with and they have kids that are your age

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

What's the most iconic example of a pickled food you can think of? I'll go first: regular pickles

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

RIP to Gandalf, gonna miss you old man.

Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Thinking about my boy Gandalf 17 years old and looking incredible in his sweater

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

Referring to anything where I have to show up on time as a "byzantine system"

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

thinking about an assassin assembling his sniper rifle out of a briefcase and when he looks at his victim he notices the guy has a big ass head so he takes like 3 or 4 pieces off of the gun cause hes made it too accurate for this large head

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

alright thats it. one more mr. nice guy

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Dave Chappelle for your crime of turning into a shitty old man, you are sentenced to do your most hated activity: wearing one (1) dress

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

9 months

took the day off work to take care of my dying cat, she died before i got up. still got the day off at least. RIP Layla

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

moron: ohh my dog is probably just barking at you because he smells another dog on you me: I don't smell like a dog you piece of shit. he's barking at me because I'm intentionally putting out bad, nasty vibes towards him. I'm freaking him out on purpose with my negative attitude

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Imagine asking for the same thing for 15 years and no one gets it for you... man's cruelty to man truly knows no bounds

it’s george 🇵🇸

@magnuswlitb

2 years

for 15 years we made fun of my dad for saying he wants a vacuum for christmas every year, but we finally got him a nice dyson and you know what? he’s walking around, vacuuming all every room, muttering “this is a game changer.” say what you will but the man knows what he wants

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

11 months

police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, it's no big deal

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

the man who invented GIFs has sadly died. Those who wish to honor his memory are invited to place flowers at his grave (pronounced Jrave)

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

many gamers make the mistake of always trying to "beat the game" and move on to the next one as fast as possible. but the gamer who patiently plays one game for his entire life will ultimately garner more points. Much like the famous tale of the hare and the tortious (sp?)

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

@lunch_enjoyer you have uganda syndrome. because uganda stop fucking around with this silly billy joke nonsense

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

you'll $15 a month for a streaming service but you wont pay $15 to have a guy do an upper decker in your toilet. you'll spend $8 on a nice soft big mac and eat it right up but you won't eat $8. you'll put $1,000 in the bank but you wont put $1,000 in the top part of your toilet

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Smiling thinking about my old roommate who told me he had a stamp for the rent check, went into his room and got a cool sticker of a wolf that he genuinely thought was a postage stamp

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

oh your hit TV show is a "must watch"? big deal. i was a must watch when i was still in diapers. i had to be watched for years

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

@necrobranson I would reach for the keys

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

dude im sorry i cant hang out tonight. my dinner is this scoop of peanut butter and its fucking stuck in like 26 different corners of this fucking puzzle toy, and its gonna take me a while to get it all out of there

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

a lot of people worry about losing power in a snow storm. but me personally? im not that powerful to begin with. a snowstorm is unlikely to have any effect on my sphere of influence

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

how about you try helping sick people instead of trying to improve cancer?

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

thinking about the guy i saw at a concert once who faced away from the stage and filmed himself jumping up and down, and then immediately turned around and filmed the band while just moving his phone up and down to make it seem like he was still jumping

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

(150 year old actor dies) this is devastating. There was literally no one better at making me think I was seeing an old guy in a movie. He's been the old guy as long as I can remember. can't believe he died right when he was at his oldest

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

@ByYourLogic taking a blazing hot roast chicken out of the oven with my bare hands and getting second degree burns, which heal as soon as i eat one of the legs in one bite

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

16 year old bagging my groceries: i should probably put the soap separate from the vegetables me: ah dont worry dude im probably gonna end up eating half of that soap anyway

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 year

ripping across the bonneville salt flats at 250mph, i take a steak tip out of my pocket and cook it on the flames shooting out the back of my motorcycle, then i lean over and drag it on the ground, seasoning it with that famous flat salt

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

therapists should sell indulgences like the church. Like if you give them a hundred bucks they will tell you that it was bad ass that you lied about picking your aunt up from the airport

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

@lunch_enjoyer john lennon: imagine theres no countries... i doubt you even can... no christmas and no easter... no thanks not for me sir me: god i hope someone is waiting outside this guys apartment with a gun

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Guys who live among apes in the jungle are always named some shit like Tarzan or George

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

boss: mike we're gonna need to cut back your hours this month. landlord: mike i gotta raise your rent this month. me: oh gweat. this is just pelfect. my weeno jest got bitten half by a snappine total

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Buying a comically big wine glass with a line on the side that says "fill to here with coffee" and on the other side it says "oh you better believe I'm a giant bitch"

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

3 years

Occams razor is a philosophical concept, which basically posits that in any given situation, you should occam if you got em

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

2 years

Sick of the constant corporate surveillance. went to barnes and noble and bought a couple mystery novels and 5 minutes later i get an ad on my phone for pills that make your ass stop stinking up the book store

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Mike F

@DeputyWarlock

1 month

my dog only has a couple weeks to live so you know what that means. hes eating nothing but herbs, spices, aromatics and record-breaking hot peppers, because hes going to live on as the meat in my five-alarm chili. or 35-alarm in dog alarms

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