Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt Twitter profile

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Patton Oswalt

7 days

Tickets for my May 5th show at The United Theater on Broadway as part of the @NetflixIsAJoke Festival are almost gone! Grab what’s left and I will see you there!

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Last Seen Profiles

@heyherearewords

@AdminJournal

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@hodges

@Pfundt_Hannah

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@ContentMerch

@may_sultane

@girl_improved

@sandeeppalg

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@adamwolf610

@xMasterdeBater

@rakang_cos

@aberdeenCF

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@_OSME

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@UpwardNewsHQ

@miumimuse

@MrsStlouis

@theebertab

@ThTh65019146

@hielkeonnink

@JoostdeGoffau

Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

Anne Frank spent 2 years hiding in an attic and we’ve been home for just over a month with Netflix, food delivery & video games and there are people risking viral death by storming state capital buildings & screaming, “Open Fuddruckers!”

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

I would watch 9 seasons of this.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

We don’t need gun control. We just need to avoid churches, malls, supermarkets, mosques, concerts, synagogues, cinemas, parks, pre-schools, middle schools, high schools, college campuses, mass transportation, the outdoors in general… (1/513)

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

The dude who cried about beer on TV has made a BIG decision about your life, ladies!

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

I’m not gonna stick to comedy these next 46 days. Sorry.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

7 years

These are just...shots of you. No first responders, no memorial. Just...you. Holy shit this is offensive.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

7 years

May God Forever Bless the United States of America. #NeverForget911

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Congrats to @SpeakerPelosi for inventing the “fuck you” clap. #sotu

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

Dear people citing The Bible: It’s a cool book with some wonderful passages but it also has ghost sex & giants & super babies & demons. It’s why we don’t make laws based on Game of Thrones, My Little Pony or Legend of Zelda.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

This is not over. For we shall mount our righteous stand at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Next to Fantasy Island Adult Books. Across the street from the Delaware Valley Cremation Center. Between the fire extinguisher and yellow hose. #MAGA

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

The President is a stupid asshole and if you voted for him you’re a stupid asshole and if you still support him you’re a stupid asshole. Oh no this Tweet is going to make all the stupid assholes not like me waaaaah

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

4 years

So ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

THEN HOW THE FUCK IS HE STILL PRESIDENT

NY AG James

@NewYorkStateAG

4 years

BREAKING: We’ve secured a court order forcing President Trump to pay $2M in damages after admitting to illegally using the Trump Foundation to help him intervene in the 2016 presidential election and further his own political interests. No one is above the law.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

1 year

Holy shit OOOOOOOOOF

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

When seat belts were first introduced in 1968, there were idiots who insisted they “infringed on their freedoms” and would physically cut them out of their cars. We make fun of those people now. Can you guess who we’ll be making fun of in 2072?

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

Could everyone PLEASE stop sharing this video of Michael Lofthouse? He’s the founder & CEO of Solid8, a tech company based in San Francisco. If it goes viral it could hurt Michael Lofthouse and Solid8, his company. Let’s all be nice to Michael Lofthouse and Solid8.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

7 years

Liberal arts college professor brutalizes Nazi, who has a permit. More alt-left indoctrination.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

7 years

What...the...FUCK is happening in our country? Our president just...sided...with...Nazis and white nationalists. Holy. FUCK

Kyle Griffin

@kylegriffin1

7 years

Trump: "What about the alt-left that came charging at the, as you say, alt-right? Do they have any semblance of guilt?" (via ABC)

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Imagine being so hated that on the day you announce that the LEADER OF ISIS HAS BEEN KILLED ON YOUR ORDERS a stadium full of baseball fans still boos you.

Aaron Rupar

@atrupar

5 years

Here’s video of Trump getting booed at the #WorldSeries

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

My wife walked in 15 minutes ago and caught the last moment of a two year journey. The look on Alice’s face says it all. Thank you @jk_rowling .

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Amen, Bob. She should be a real American like you, growing up on a six acre estate complete with tennis court and horse paddock, and then bravely adopting a faux “redneck shitkicker” cosplay persona. God bless you, buddy ruff.

KidRock

@KidRock

5 years

Taylor Swift wants to be a democrat because she wants to be in movies….period. And it looks like she will suck the door knob off Hollyweird to get there. Oldest move in the book. Good luck girl. -Kid Rock

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

I want #NathanPhillips to be the only name that's remembered from today's ugliness. Nathan Phillips. Not the horde of bland, frightened, forgettable kids who'll grow up to be bland, frightened, forgotten adult wastes. Nathan. Phillips.

StanceGrounded

@_SJPeace_

5 years

HERO Nathan Phillips Omaha Elder Vietnam Veteran Former director of the Native Youth Alliance Keeper of a sacred pipe Honoring Native American Veterans at Arlington National Cemetery Water Protector at Standing Rock ND KNOW HIM RETWEET THIS!

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

JUST PUT ONE DOOR ON KAVANAUGH’S HOUSE AND ARM HIS FAMILY PROBLEM SOLVED

philip lewis

@Phil_Lewis_

2 years

Mitch McConnell calls on Democrats to pass Supreme Court security bill after man arrested outside Brett Kavanaugh's home “House Democrats must pass this bill and they need to do it today. No more fiddling around with this, they need to pass it today …before the sun sets.”

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

Jeffrey Dahmer: I made an altar from the bones and genitalia that I didn't eat from my victims. NY Times reporter: Meet the Midwestern sex-postive locavore who adds a Goth twist to his arts and crafts!

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Seriously WHO is this actress? She's having such a blast being evil. And she's gotta riff the whole thing. Just amazing.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

Shut down his goddamn Twitter feed and throw him in motherfucking jail. NOW.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

You. Piece. Of. Shit.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

OOOF. @MikeDrucker for the forever win

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

I just hope this impeachment trial gets to the bottom of who riled up that violent mob waving all those Trump flags. What a mystery!

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

THE HARDEST OF SELF-OWNS

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

What an intriguing medical mystery! Guess we’ll never know the answer to this one!

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

Guys, if you're gonna write an article about me being a "failed comedian" maybe don't use a pic of me holding up the Emmy I won for doing comedy?

Daily Wire

@realDailyWire

6 years

Patton Oswald Tries Being White Knight Rescuing Gillibrand From Trump. Fail.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

holy shit FUCK YOU you desperate, insane, stick-stone-stupid lump of shit

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

"The President didn't tell people to DRINK bleach. He suggested injecting it into their veins or lungs. With the help of a DOCTOR." -- folds arms, satisfied smile, another libtard owned

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

National Suicide Hotline 1 800 273 8255 I’ve brushed up against this darkness and I know it’s a tempting exit but REACH OUT to ANYONE. Stay on this side of it — in the light and warmth. Where you get to try again, every day.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

Gonna watch this on a loop

Brian Tyler Cohen

@briantylercohen

3 years

Make this man the host of Meet the Press.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

When the polio vaccine dropped in 1955 people lined up to get it, & we were 2 years away from artificial satellites. Now in 2021 we carry external world-brains in our pockets & there’s robots on Mars and idiots think the COVID vaccine is full of wizard poison.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

7 years

What I've learned so far tonight: America is WAAAAAAAAY more sexist than it is racist. And it's pretty fucking racist. #ElectionNight

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Oh my God. OH MY GOD. You see this @DavidKHarbour ?

Dr. Mailman Esq.

@DrMailmanEsq

5 years

@DavidKHarbour and @pattonoswalt ‘s friendship makes so much sense when you realize they are grown up Steve & Dustin

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

what the fuck is happening WHAT IN THE FUCK

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

jeez would everyone calm down it’s just a massive flock of crows descending from a grey, eldritch, doom-tinged sky during a global pandemic

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

I do very well on the dementia tests I constantly have to take, said the guy in charge of nukes.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

My mom just sent this e-mail to the family after seeing the Trump pic.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

Please please watch this

Brian Tyler Cohen

@briantylercohen

3 years

Watch this. Trust me.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

😂😂😂😂😂

DoxieBaby 🟦🟧

@doxiebaby

4 years

@pattonoswalt When you accidentally meme yourself. 😂😂😂

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

We’ve had sex dozens of times and this has never happened.

Clayburn Griffin

@Clayburn

2 years

If Matt Damon had sex with @pattonoswalt .

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

THE RAISINS. ARE STAYING. IN. THE POTATO SALAD.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Remember when we had a president who: Wasn’t afraid of the rain? Knew how to treat ladies? Knew how to CLOSE AN UMBRELLA?

SassBaller

@SassBaller

5 years

Remember when Obama cleared his schedule because of rain? Me neither.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

Everyone who's tweeting, "I'm bored" -- this is SUPPOSED TO BE BORING. POLITICS SHOULD BE BORING, COMPETENT PEOPLE TAKING CARE OF SHIT SO YOU CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE. IT SHOULDN'T GOBBLE UP ALL THE OXYGEN IN EXISTENCE. The fuck is wrong with everyone? #VPDebate

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who shoot them in their homes; and the district attorneys, who release irrelevant search warrants after the fact. These are their bullshit stories.

FOX 4 NEWS

@FOX4

6 years

DEVELOPING: Search warrant: Marijuana found in Botham Jean’s apartment after deadly shooting

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

Pouring one out for all the MAGA cheese doodles who are gonna boycott Jim Gaffigan and deprive themselves of one of the best comedians working today to own the libs.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ray [REDACTED]

@RayRedacted

3 years

People who broke into the Capitol Wednesday are now learning they are on No-Fly lists pending the full investigation. They are not happy about this.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

8 years

"When your mom dies you're the best memory of her. Everything you do is a memory of her." -- Alice Oswalt, 7

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

this incompetent racist asshole

Jabin Botsford

@jabinbotsford

4 years

Close up of President @realDonaldTrump notes is seen where he crossed out "Corona" and replaced it with "Chinese" Virus as he speaks with his coronavirus task force today at the White House. #trump #trumpnotes

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

How...does ANYONE watch this and think this is a good leader? How many gears do you need to strip in your brain to reach that conclusion? Seriously.

southpaw

@nycsouthpaw

4 years

I need everyone to watch this.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Still one of the most amazing dance sequences I've ever seen on film. Unrehearsed, one-take, and the studio built bleachers on the sound stage so all of the other stars on the lot could come and watch 'em do it. Superhuman.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

I miss you, Robin.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

#MarchForOurLives

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

You did it, baby. The book is excellent, the writing brilliant. You tried to bring kindness to chaos, which was your way. #IllBeGoneInTheDark #MichelleMcNamara

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

Never forget.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

Happy 50th, Michelle. I hope wherever you are there's good coffee, a strong WiFi connection, and endless mysteries for you to crack.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

then why is he broadcasting from home

Andrew Lawrence

@ndrew_lawrence

4 years

Tucker Carlson says masks and social distancing "have no basis of any kind in science. It's like a kind of bizarre health theater"

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

What’d you guys do yesterday? (Photo @jeffvespa )

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

Charles Manson, who loved dune buggies and idolized The Beatles, arrived in Los Angeles with dreams of recording success. A thwarted record deal and an address mix-up led to him expressing his grievances in a way that many have issues with.

The New York Times

@nytimes

2 years

Kyle Rittenhouse, who has idolized law enforcement since he was young, arrived in Kenosha on Aug. 25, 2020, with at least one mission: to play the role of police officer and medic. The night would end with him fatally shooting two men and wounding another.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

You...ran unopposed.

Marjorie Taylor Greene 🇺🇸

@mtgreenee

3 years

I ran for office (and was elected with 74.7% of the vote) to represent the people, not the politicians. And that's exactly what I'm doing.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

DUDE SHUT UP WE DIDN'T THINK ANYONE WOULD NOTICE THAT PLOT HOLE WE'RE NOT GIVING THE OSCAR BACK

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

Why does Ben Shapiro want to debate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? He’s not running for office. He should debate me. I’m also a short clown no one takes seriously. #fun

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

Y’know why you yell “virtue signaling” when you see anyone be an ally to the oppressed or abused or “othered”? ‘Cuz you can’t imagine an action not linked to a selfish motive. You can’t accept someone wanting a better world without it directly benefiting them. It’s beyond you.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

At least Trump finally paid one of his subcontractors.

New Orleans Advocate

@theadvocateno

6 years

Report: Louisiana porn star Stormy Daniels paid $130K by Trump attorney in exchange for silence.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

boom

Paul Rudnick

@PaulRudnickNY

3 years

Charmaine McGuffey is the new sheriff of Hamilton County, Ohio. She beat the man who fired her for being an out lesbian. Sometimes there's justice

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

Aren’t they....jurors?

Acyn

@Acyn

3 years

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

Yeah, I’m one of those weirdos who cares about my friends as well as people I’ve never met. I have this fucked-up thing where I think you can be successful without actively crushing other people to get there. Bad American, I guess.

Water Pistol Pete

@KnockEtOff

6 years

@pattonoswalt I get that you care and shit...but this doesn't hurt you does it?

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

daaaaamn elizabeth

jordan

@JordanUhl

5 years

The delivery here makes this even funnier

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

Oh WOW the wording of the Matt Gaetz pardon request. “Any and all things I’ve done from the beginning of time to now.” Whaaaaaat?!?

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

😂😂😂😂😂😂

@297_Aruba_Lover

@297_ArubaLover

4 years

DT/45 supporters are sharing this on FB. I don't have the desire to tell them than the man cloaked in white is Charles Manson.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

Imagine being Alex Jones and this is the life you’re living. Yelling through a bullhorn at disinterested teenagers.

Scott Cobb

@scottcobb

4 years

Bully who believes Coronavirus is a hoax harasses city of Austin lifeguards working as park monitors.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

11 months

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

2 years

Well, if he comes here tell him to wear Kevlar.

Kelly Townsend

@AZKellyT

2 years

America needs Jesus.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Michael I am SO sorry if this creeps you out. My wife passed away in April of 2016. I met Meredith in May of 2017 and despite how sad I was we fell in love and married in November of 2017. I could kick myself for not checking with you first. Does this help? Lemme know!

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

I’m so in awe of Officer Eugene Goodman, perfect mix of steel-spine courage & Bugs Bunny-level brilliance. He tricked the moron mob into GOING THE WRONG WAY. I keep picturing him turning to the camera, saying, “Baby, you are so talented...and they are so DUMB.”

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

8 years

This #Emmys after party is off da CHAIN!

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

I regret to inform all my followers that your grandparents are no longer fans of my comedy. Sorry to ruin your Thanksgiving.

Acyn

@Acyn

4 years

Tucker Carlson thinks he’s outing celebrities

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

THE HEAVIEST, MOST DEFEATED SIGH EVER

Hillary Clinton

@HillaryClinton

8 years

Just imagine Donald Trump in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. We can’t afford that kind of risk.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

Trump should make WAAAAAAAY crazier statements just for the fun of making his dipshit supporters defend them. “Toilet paper IS for weaklings and I’m glad Trump said it. No more wiping for me! Triggered much, libtards?”

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

50 years ago today at this time (8:18am in Portsmouth, VA) I was born. Just wanted to be awake to watch the odometer click over. Okay, back to bed.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

Democrats have forced Rep. John Conyers to step down. Good to see them doing the right thing. I'm sure the GOP would do the same if someone in their ranks were even worse, like a child molester.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

You could end this today. @GOP . You could caucus with the Dems and figure out a way to remove a President who's just committed blatant treason in full view. But you'll just be "disappointed" and move on, won't you?

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

👇👇👇👇👇👇

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

Isn't it the just the best to snuggle your little one -- knowing exactly where they are, safe in your arms? It's the best. The BEST. Right, Ivanka? Right?

Ivanka Trump

@IvankaTrump

6 years

My ♥️! #SundayMorning

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

Sweet Jesus. I’m pouring a glass of wine, kicking back, and waiting for the meltdown. We got a Category 5 coming, kiddies.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Oh my God fuck you @Chase bank.

Public Citizen

@Public_Citizen

5 years

Bank that pays its CEO $31 million and received a $12 billion bailout after crashing our economy tells poor people to stop being so irresponsible with their money.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

1) Just a flat-out UN-HUMBLE brag. I've been reading @StephenKing since I was 10. And for THIS to happen is a BIG BIG deal. Not exaggerating when I say everything after this is fun and games. This is a zenith I never imagined.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

Took Alice for her first skateboarding lesson today. #unhumblebrag

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

One thing I love love love about Trump is how he emboldens all of his cowardly dipshit followers who suddenly think they can spout his racist puke with zero consequences and then watch their lives bulldozered. It NEVER gets old and is always delightful.

NowThis Impact

@nowthisimpact

5 years

‘You’re in the wrong country.’ — This gas station clerk was fired after questioning customers’ citizenship status and telling them to ‘go home’

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

6 years

This is Ron Richards, my AP Government teacher. I just bought him fajitas. If there’s a teacher who helped guide you, track ‘em down and buy ‘em dinner. You can never fully repay them, but it’s a start.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

One year ago today I married @MeredthSalenger , who stepped into this lost widower’s life, and swept him and his daughter up out of the cobwebs and into the sunlight. I will never be able to repay you, baby, but I’ll never stop trying.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

(sigh) Okay Ted, here we go… Not as disappointed as Texas was when you cut your Cancun vacation short and came home.

Ted Cruz

@tedcruz

3 years

Both of his fans were disappointed.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

4 years

I love Katie Porter. DAMN

Public Citizen

@Public_Citizen

4 years

Oh my god, Katie Porter.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

3 years

Be like Dolly.

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Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

5 years

Dear Christians who support Trump: please watch this. He is 100% conning you and does not believe what you believe. LISTEN to what he says here. HOW is this your guy?

find tyler huckabee on bluesky

@TylerHuckabee

5 years

Trump talking about his favorite Bible verse is absolutely the best comedy on the planet. You could spend your life trying to find a funnier bit and you’d die a failure.

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