Sean Thomason @TheThomason Twitter profile

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Sean Thomason

2 years

Trying to imagine what it'd take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I'd probably still just be like "I'm sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else's bowl of rats."

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Last Seen Profiles

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

I mean, pretty much anything can serve “briefly” as a boat.

Road & Track

@RoadandTrack

2 years

Elon Musk says the Cybertruck can "serve briefly as a boat."

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

At the debate Biden should drop $750 on Trump’s podium and say “next year’s on me, chief.”

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

11 months

This submarine story is especially harrowing for me, someone who tends to go along with the group's plans even when I don't really want to.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

Party City really swinging for the fences with this one.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

Impossible to overstate how much Tolkien would hate Elon Musk and his industrial tech empire. Tolkien didn’t even like trains. Regular ass steam engine TRAINS.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

Haha, whoa, Papa John said he ate 40 pizzas in 30 days? Well that's... *glancing around nervously* that's probably too many, right?

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

Everybody refreshing twitter like kids checking for school closing updates when it snows.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

I feel like if you don't believe in evolution or climate change you shouldn't get to believe in space.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

I disagree with Jessica Biel about vaccinations, but she'll still remain my #1 source for all other medical information.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

I'm sorry New Yorkers had to deal with some jokes about the bodega thing. When I tell people I'm from Appalachia they ask me about incest and if we've got shoes yet.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

I like superhero movies but did anyone really think Martin Scorsese was sitting in a theater going "fuck yeah, Thor has TWO hammers now!"

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

“Huh.” - parents who named their daughters Daenerys

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

Getting older mostly sucks, but I feel sorry for anyone too young to understand how funny someone getting into a fight after a UB40 concert is.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 months

Being home is waking up with a leg cramp and checking my parents’ pantry for pain medicine to find exactly this.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

Fellas, honor a woman in your life by making her listen to a song you like, and saying "here comes the good part" right before the good part.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

Buying this and only using it to play Stardew Valley.

PHΛЯΛӨH

@PH7RAOH

4 years

are you normal or do you desperately wish you had this scorpion PC set-up

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

If you find yourself getting into a conspiracy theory, some important questions to consider are “is this dumb?” and “am I dumb?”

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

“Anybody notice things are a little Huxley-ian lately? Kind of Brave New World-ish? Anyone?” - Aldous Huxley wearing a big fake mustache

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

Please stop referring to deranged congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene as MTG, MTG means Magic: the Gathering, I'm a nerd and you're confusing me.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

This country will give up schools before it gives up guns.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

Where I grew up if a kid came back from a trip wearing a Hard Rock Cafe shirt from the place they went, they were a god.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

The dream is to be rich enough to have my own shitty little bookstore that just hemorrhages money and is almost never open.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

10 years

Halloween stores fill abandoned Blockbusters like a hermit crab taking a shell. Life finds a way. http://t.co/24LuihKptG

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

11 months

I imagine it's hard to get away with an "I told you so" when you're trapped in a tin can at the bottom of the sea.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

cause of death: served briefly as a boat

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

9 years

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

The perfect kite doesn’t exis—

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

12 years

Parents in paper towel commercials, your children are monsters. Forget about absorbency and focus on getting your shit together.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

Normal response, normal country

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

12 years

A game show where you win $1,000 for every porn star you identify correctly, sitting between your girlfriend and mom.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

10 months

Just accidentally Quantum Leaped into Mitch McConnell for like 30 seconds. Hope nobody noticed.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

Okay I like TikTok now.

DrewFrog

@DrewFrogger

4 years

I don’t use this verbiage often but this is a whole vibe. simple as that

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

That first shower after a haircut, when you realize you can use slightly less shampoo than you have been? Oh man. That's livin'.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

My "Shit Hole Son" Soundgarden parody music video featuring a Donald Trump Jr. impersonator will be ready in 5-6 weeks, don't let the news cycle move on please.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

I disagree with Nicki Minaj about vaccinations, but she'll still remain my #1 source for all other medical information.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

are the rats alive or not? I leave that up to the reader

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

I won't say what happened when I found this in the pantry of an Airbnb, but I will say Paul Newman has tricked for me the last time.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

9 years

If your unarmed teenage son was shot dead in the street, you'd want a trial. And if he was white, you'd get one.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

Matt Gaetz looks like a cheap horror movie prop of Jack Nicholson's head you only see for a second before it explodes.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

Some astute responders have noted this idea doesn’t hold up to intense scrutiny and wouldn’t actually solve everything.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

9 years

Was gonna watch the film adaptation of The Hobbit but I didn't have time so I just read the book.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

I just don't get why rich people pay to get their kids into schools they don't deserve when they could skip straight to getting them the jobs they don't deserve.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

8 years

I'm sure if everybody keeps scolding each other as hard as we can online the world will get more peaceful.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

I’ll just say this: Joe Rogan could never write a Neil Young song, but Neil Young could and should have played the handyman on News Radio.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

I wish Neil deGrasse Tyson posted this kind of facts.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

There were a lot of dark jokes when he got sick, and I'd just like to be gracious and say I'm glad the president survived Covid so he could see today.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

Band of Horses playing “Funeral” to a crowd of thousands at Lollapalooza feels a little on the nose.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

Nobody outside of twitter is aware there even is a Cats trailer.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

10 years

"Oh, you're called the Rolling Stones? Coulda sworn you said Giant Mouth. Well this is the logo, no refunds."

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

7 years

Statement from Ted Cruz: "Liking the porn tweet was an accident. I was trying to retweet it. I'm Ted Cruz and I motherfucking love pornoooo"

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

8 years

If Trump wins, I'm moving to-- *checks bank account* If Trump wins I'm buying two pizzas.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

9 years

Finally got the "Josh Duggar is good" neck tattoo I've wanted for years, now let me just read today's news as I take a large sip of water...

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

8 years

The most powerful duo of our time: Kim Kardashian and home video.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

Golden age of “toys that come to life” cinema.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

8 years

Look, vote for whoever you want but if you say Trump and Hillary are the same thing I'm never trusting anything you say again.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

7 years

Probably the most humiliating thing about being Bill O'Reilly is most people think his name is "Teenage Wasteland."

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

Best part of Infinity War was when the Arclight usher said "tonight's feature will be 2 hours and 40 minutes" and a woman yelled "WHAT??"

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

7 months

Best Buy will focus on their core business, Sour Patch Kids you impulse purchase while in line to return something you bought online.

Wario64

@Wario64

7 months

The Digital Bits reporting that Best Buy will stop selling physical media (including 4K/Blu-ray/DVD) possibly as soon as end of Q1 2024, both in-store and online

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

"Did you see that little space raccoon who cusses? What a picture!"

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

7 years

Unsettling public bathroom hand soap situations (a gallery of 2).

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

7 years

To me the weirdest part of "Karen Pence brings 15,000 to 20,000 bees to the VP residence" is that 5,000 is the margin of error on bees.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

8 years

Beatles: Everything's fine Stones: Everything's fine and we fuck a lot Kinks: Everything used to be fine, now it's awful Led Zeppelin: Orcs

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

So we beat on, Garfield phones against the current, borne back ceaselessly into some French beach.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 months

The last thing a farmer’s market sees

Page Six

@PageSix

6 months

Jay Leno runs errands in Cybertruck and more star snaps

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

How I felt when I moved to L.A.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

11 years

Wanna meet at a bar later and pretend we can hear each other until we all decide we're allowed to go home?

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

I've been reading books again, it's like being online but without getting nauseous from anger every 2-3 minutes.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

10 years

"Length times width," says area expert.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

8 years

My favorite thing about the Beatles being on Spotify is imagining Paul McCartney opening a check for $1.47.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said "Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you're gonna smoke a whole pack."

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

6 years

I like the dog show, but it’s weird that it’s a rich people hobby based on genetics. I want one that’s all mutts who wear hats and ride skateboards and knock over babies but the babies are fine.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 months

New Covid isolation period is 13 days shorter than the one hotel hot tubs have for diarrhea.

KTLA

@KTLA

4 months

California health officials shorten COVID isolation period to 1 day

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

Love how we’re obsessed with our five year micro-generations but also like “medieval peasants were the same thing for a thousand years.”

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

Saw the clip of Trump talking about Parasite, Gone With The Wind, and Sunset Boulevard. But I refuse to believe he's seen any movie except Home Alone 2, because he's in that one.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

In the asteroid biz we call these half-raffes. See ‘em all the time.

Daily Mail Online

@MailOnline

2 years

Asteroid half the size of a giraffe strikes Earth off the coast of Iceland

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

Goodbye old friend. 10 years of clipping snacks... a legend.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

10 years

No movie remake can "ruin your childhood." Your childhood already happened. Develop some new interests.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

"The fried baloney is just BETTER where I'm from, y'know? It's something about the water."

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

7 years

L.A. friend: "Omg, your new apartment has AC and a dishwasher?!" Friend from home: "We're putting a deck on our second house."

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

Imagine having high hopes about a Sonic the Hedgehog movie.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

11 months

Never underestimate the American desire to drown in a mall.

Ray Monk

@Raymodraco

11 months

The "Icon Of The Seas" sets sail in January 2024. 5610 passengers, 2350 crew members, 5 times larger and heavier than the Titanic, 19 floors with more than 40 bars, restaurants and bowling alleys. What a monstrosity!

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

10 years

The most rewarding thing about watching a documentary is acting like the world's leading expert on the topic for the rest of your life.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

4 years

“mom check the radio, sometimes they say it there first”

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

Imagine being such a dork you could tank an entire social media platform with just your personality.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

10 months

A Pee-Wee scene so good I hung it on my wall. RIP Paul Reubens.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

11 years

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment "you are so brave" on all their selfies.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

13 years

Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

2 years

“Well goat, you’ve done it again.”

James Geary 🇺🇦🌻🇵🇸🕊️

@JamesMGeary

2 years

Story prompt, this is your opening scene. What are your first few lines?

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

7 years

Today Pope Francis met with Francis from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

At last, the time is right to strike with MY Jeremy Renner app.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

13 years

Kid, if you don't know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don't deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn't cry.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

10 years

I saw the best tweets of my generation posted at off-peak times, starving hysterical unfavorited, deleting themselves in the streets at dawn

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

3 years

This is like blaming the people of Flint for drinking the bad water that came out of the faucet.

Michael Moore

@MMFlint

3 years

Texas - we hear you. You didn’t want to be part of our electrical grid. And now you’ve removed your mask mandate & are allowing large crowds to gather. We hear you! COVID is a hoax! So u don’t need our precious vaccine. We’ll send it to ppl who are saving lives by wearing masks.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

10 years

More than anything, the ice bucket challenge has been a painful reminder that most of my friends have houses with yards by now.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

1 year

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

8 years

2009: Should I join twitter? Isn't it just people saying what they had for lunch? 2016: Please, just tell me what you had for lunch.

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Sean Thomason

@TheThomason

5 years

Wishing I had a teenage kid just so I could say things like "Greta Thunberg is saving the world, and you can't pick up your room?"

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