JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT @joelgolby Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

25 days

new book is out next week, by the way. here's the cover, here are some nice things people have said. you can pre-order it here. thanks!!!!!

3

11

70

Last Seen Profiles

@SiyoVanessa

@tacobell

@star_45hm

@sugarcube0205

@JackTheTriCoach

@MissJasmine333

@cekinvestasi

@yoursvntruly

@EleonorBindman

@fetishloverbraz

@CoachSUnderwood

@StrytellinJerry

@NotThatBigIan

@bedworth_united

@georgehahn

@abwmhmd560431

@JuanFerrerVila

@yikes_xcx

@Richard4m

@abasif71

@rumiyonce

@Brescia_eSports

@samishah

@arianespaceceo

@Matrix_MSU

@sprites_bb

@nayam7272

@ahmadiyyacanada

@sjlhamilton

@iamrobertalea

@edge10_edge

@1Tyus

@kfdmsports

@faqpodcast

@8xHb4

@emannymusic

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

forgot that mum thing mums do where they leave things on the stairs for u to take up with u. just constant neat little piles. see an ibuprofen pack, an off-brand phone charger and an empty water bottle on a stair and know: a mum has been here, recently, and might still be around

562

7K

97K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

my favourite replies are the ones that are like 'umm?? you didn't encapsulate the entirety of the human condition in this tweet........,, please be mindful'

75

6K

63K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 years

for a long time i have been fascinated with a very particular concept, which is 'small town pathological liars'. if you grew up in a small town you knew one of these directly. i would love to know the lies you have been told

2K

61K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

landlord raising our rent because "they've got a lot of property laying empty right now" feels a bit saying the quiet part loud to me but go off

299

5K

60K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 months

did a little photoshop job on fiverr over the weekend and just got an e-mail saying i'm "going to be beheaded"?? any lawyers on here

42

3K

50K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

hey it's me, a landlord with a twitter account. thanks for the 60% of your wages every month but could you also like me as well please? for some reason it's very important that you like me

67

3K

43K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

we're meant to be walking round nude and eating berries instead we made up council tax

21

3K

34K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

24 days

phenomenal

26

561

33K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

5 years

simply can’t trust people who don’t leave the tea bag to steep in the cup for a bit. you think you can get enough depth of flavour just by squashing it a lot with the back of a teaspoon? the arrogance. the ego. leave the room and walk away from it

828

6K

31K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

7 years

siri, show me the worst sentence

151

7K

23K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

'if the parents didn't smoke and have a big tv they wouldn't be in poverty' and 'if millennials didn't eat avocados and drink lattes they could afford the house' are spiritually the same thing. there's no right way to spend money if you don't have it

29

2K

18K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

1 month

been thinking of some fun new rules that might improve football. first one is: whoever wins the penalty has to take it, unless they are so injured they have to be substituted, in which case the sub has to take it with their first kick

435

558

17K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

Bring Me The Head Of Phillip Schofield

19

2K

15K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

7 years

I am convinced Alan Brazil is going to be the first person in history to die of what doctors will call 'just exploding'

511

5K

13K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

5 years

facebook is actually losing money mark zuckerberg is only a billionaire because of all the savings he makes cutting his own hair

30

813

13K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

Grealish and Barkley in the same team guarantees an old school, Ayia Napa-style tabloid sex scandal some time this season and on current form it will happen tonight

58

926

12K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 years

no dry january in 2022, lads. the pubs will need us

60

1K

12K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

saw my first poppy facemask today. this is going to be a long winter

83

526

11K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 months

I am an Apprentice wake-up time truther. they are not getting a phonecall at 4 a.m. they are not leaving the house at 4.20 a.m.. the sun is always up when they answer the phone. the guy is not on the door of the Savoy to greet them at half-four in the morning. WHY LIE

188

364

10K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

police stopped me in tesco buying a three-pack of cornettos. asked to inspect my hands for clapping. 'not red enough'. the cones go back on the shelf. i'm tweeting this from a riot van

18

818

10K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

be cool to not live through history for like. one day

8

763

10K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

if i were proud of my policies, i would simply not hide in a fridge

29

2K

9K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

24 days

[me, having the worst two days of my life] "uhh, boss?"

2

37

9K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

i too can only cum when someone is rude to hospitality workers

50

405

8K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

sounds like your business is struggling a little in the time of co-vid. sorry to hear that. i, obviously, have been completely financially unaffected, so i'll be happy to help you out

10

138

8K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

live, laugh, love

118

724

8K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

good tip. thanks

31

435

8K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

wish i was toby. wish i was an absolute fucking moron. never had a thought in his life. every time an emotion comes up just go in the garden and do 80 kick-ups. bliss. i'd be delirious if i were him

17

503

8K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

5 years

remember those kids who turned their eyelids inside-out at primary school? wonder if they're all in the same prison now, or spread across all different ones

129

947

7K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

tesco advert at the moment where tess daly says, "i'm dedicating a thai-style cod dish to stephen mulhern". think it might be one of the most deranged sentences uttered in human history. it chills me to the bone

57

448

7K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

coronavirus was invented by mark zuckerberg to make us take the tape off our webcams

17

736

7K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

8 years

is this the toriest vigilante ever????????????

93

4K

6K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

every autumn i'm like 'yum yum yum, cosy little season, layers upon layers of jumpers and cupping hot drinks with my soft little hands' and then it rains sideways for six straight weeks before instantly becoming winter

10

729

6K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

if you got bad a-levels today just lie about them on your cv in like five years' time. no one ever checks

43

407

6K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

5 years

‘ah but sometimes you forget you were making it and come back to a cold cup of brown’ high risk high reward. tea for warriors

99

569

6K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

no single landlord in the uk is going to let any single one of us suspend rent payments even if every job in the country is legally suspended for two months. just thinking peacefully about how bloody the riots are gonna be when that happens

44

637

6K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

erling haaland is wonderful at football but there is something so deeply, uncomfortably monstrous about him. i just feel like the US army were involved in him somehow. there's a bunker full of misshapen erling haalands buried under a desert somewhere, heading each other to death

72

353

5K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 years

'has cancel culture gone too far?' we made a kid make an apology video because a photo was released where he looked too cool

13

217

5K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

related: any way to check whether a business has taken any relief funds off the government since march

19

77

5K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

@OwenJones84 every day i log on to this website just to try and rattle people and every day i fail. and all you have to do is tweet "clean your own house" and people's brains fall apart. it's not fair

13

291

5K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

hey it's me, the third party. i did this. i was in the pub and 60 seconds after the final whistle blew on the most important football game of my lifetime i decided to hack a random estate agent's no-follower twitter account to do racism. i'm sorry and i won't do it again

Savills

@Savills

3 years

3K

2K

21K

7

377

4K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

i know i shouldn't 'virginshame' online but

44

67

4K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

7 years

this is the last truly original thing that will ever happen in this universe. there is no art left after this

63

2K

4K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

24 days

@ashmallerr found the pantshitter in the thread

1

2

4K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

jameela jamil tiptoeing through wokeness with the same grace i enter an otherwise silent house when i'm pissed

17

315

4K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

me: we have a once in a generation opportunity to rebuild the working office day by eradicating presenteeism, initiating flexible start and stop times and admitting the human brain simply does not have eight hours' of focus in it a day my boss: see you at 9am

6

415

4K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

would die for gareth southgate obviously but i don't think he'd want me to do that. i'd... collect tesco schools vouchers for gareth southgate. i'd get a smartmeter fitted on my boiler

11

277

4K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 years

if only the fickle youth would give up their £5.99 Netflix subscription, they could afford the average first-time buyer property in a mere 36,727 months

7

267

4K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

you're in her DMs, i'm bringing her a little treat back from the shop, we are not the same

8

132

4K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

ah, what's this? a page from a newspaper she thought "you'd find interesting" along with some socks you took off in front of the telly last night because the heating was set to 40 degrees. mums are nearby

19

82

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

[me, when my tax goes to the direct neighbour of a tory mp who had some fairly good banter with them for six minutes once at a dinner party]: [me, when my tax money goes to feeding a child over half term]: hold on a minute. hold on a minute. how big's his mum's tv?

5

504

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

[sobbing on the plane] i don't even want to go to dubai.......... i'm just doing it to make the cunts (my fans) happy

6

199

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

'chuggs' is going to push itv's "please be kind online" warning to the fucking limit

11

197

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

the present most people want is fancy olive oil. they begrudge paying for it themselves but it can cost less than £25, the perfect gift price. it always gets used and they don't have to permanently have something ugly in their house due to a misplaced sense of gift guilt

34

235

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

empathy only works if you can beat other people at doing it

7

201

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

number one: losing my absolute mind online

30

219

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

had a haircut and three pints. i feel invincible. i feel like i can murder god

18

106

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 years

new way of staging a photo for a miserable studio flat just dropped

26

131

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

haven't had a cold all year whereas i used to have one every 3 months like clockwork. does make me worry what i was doing before that was making me so sickly. using a cashpoint and just immediately putting my fingers in my mouth. letting bus people cough directly on me. what

7

168

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

nice tier system you have here.... shame if someone were to...... introduce an unprecedented tier 4, at six days' notice, knowing hundreds of thousands will deliberately ignore the advice so the government can blame the public for the spread instead of ill-planned policy......

9

548

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

this tweet didn't address every angle of infinity......?? mods????

1

68

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

1 month

[me at Nike HQ, six months ago] me: yeah i sort of changed the colours of the little flag on the collar. looks cool isn't it? John Nike, Head of Nike: yeah me: people'll be normal about it, won't they? John Nike: yeah

7

117

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

LOVE HAVING TO DOWNLOAD AN NEW APP EVERY TIME I GO TO PUB. LOVE HAVING TO CREATE AN ACCOUNT AND PASSWORD. LOVE SCROLLING THROUGH A GIGANTIC LIST OF EVERY COUNTRY ON EARTH JUST SO I CAN PUT 'U.K.' ON MY BILLING DETAILS. LOVE STANDING OUTSIDE TO GET ENOUGH SIGNAL TO DO ALL THIS

26

126

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

1 month

yellow card if your corner doesn't clear the first man

16

61

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

thinking fondly about calculating the £10-per-head discount at someone's birthday meal at a 16-top byob vietnamese restaurant on kingsland road where everyone wants to pay separately on card

14

126

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

i have been doing that for years, japan

4

251

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

if you're bored in isolation please, please, do NOT watch 'the stranger' on netflix. it absolutely sucks ass. complete waste of multiple hours of your life. i know we are all bored but we must NOT succumb to sub-standard entertainment

120

118

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

listen we know a lot of you hate the grinding systems in place that keep you poor + tired + commuting to an artificially expensive city, living with five flatmates with no prospect of ever buying or having a pet. but we really need you to go back to the office and maintain it

2

319

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

5 years

a simply astonishing news story from my home town

70

410

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

1 month

(this is part of a wider thought experiment: if Man City win the league again, I think the FA should announce 24/25 as 'silly season', with a number of fun temporary new rules)

7

26

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 months

knighthood when

7

98

3K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

ur all allowed to have a laugh about coronavirus until it starts to worry or affect me, that's the exact moment all banter immediately becomes Not On

6

155

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

a lot of big chat on here from people i KNOW don't have six friends

5

116

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

@keewa buy a million tomatoes with a million dollars. in six months you have 250 million tomatoes. jay z is calling, begging to have dinner with you

3

28

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

is there a text template i can send my mates saying i don't want a picnic this weekend because we're still in lockdown but makes it clear that i am NOT a nerd or a square

54

143

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 months

i really like the new X platform. it is constantly trying to sell me the same product, which is, as far as i can tell, a metal stick. really good

18

75

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 years

cannot think of a single worse way of spending $43 billion than by buying this website

25

197

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

i hate when the army advertises on all4 it's like, 'do you like having a laugh? have you tried being shot instead'

12

124

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

first night out after this is going to be like fresher's week but instead of asking what a-levels u did the tedious conversation starter will be "so how was isolation" and everyone will answer the same way: it was fine but it was boring

10

179

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 months

you've been up for 7 hours already apparently so that shouldn't be difficult

6

5

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

something you have said offhand in public is almost certainly an in-joke for an entire group of people you don't even know exist. this is true of every person alive

30

105

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

5 years

absolutely finished by this Facebook Memory. "He is a child in a man's body - this is the burden I have to carry"

9

91

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

couch to 5K going well. today i got overtaken by a guy wearing jeans

16

36

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

just looking around for today's London Rental Opp. enjoying this very normal photo along the way

88

66

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

Don't Tell The Bride episodes should have a little update bit at the end saying how long it took for them to divorce

13

88

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

5 years

sadly announcing my decision to unfollow the hashtag ‘ #londoncheapeats ’ in instagram after this man threatened to eat a third of a block of powerful cheese to keep his extortionate breakfast costs down

38

210

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

10 months

what can be finer than guessing footballer's ages? you, a mate, three pints, some scampi fries, and wikipedia in a browser not the app. bliss. how old's matheus pereira?

24

97

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

7 years

@antony_calvert ee, 'appen! what are t'poor folk like, eh! them's only allowed thems poor things: lard, dogs, and tory enforced misery

9

362

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

yesterday afternoon at the pub i popped out, went to a toy shop, and bought everyone back a Hot Wheels. it was hands down the greatest drinking move of my life. everyone's still talking about the Hot Wheels even now. world class. take this tip and use it wisely

20

53

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

insane to me, still, how smalltime the facebook marketplace is. they just introduced it one day and never improved it. "wow cool billion dollar website you got there. be a shame if.........someone put the planet's shittest car boot sale on it for no reason"

14

48

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

5 years

i've tried to articulate exactly what it is I love about Héctor Bellerín

58

333

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

if i bring a dead grouse to the park. and invite 30 of my mates. is that a 'loophole'

23

155

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

do you think our grandchildren will believe us when we try and tell them about Sports Direct mugs

14

55

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

it's me, a tory mp. i think there are many ways to help needy children without feeding them! i just won't be either suggesting them or doing them

8

234

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

films should have warnings on them if they're going to have excessive scenes of people having fun in bars

6

116

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

so they took him out of a sex hotel built solely for his enjoyment and just dumped him back on some island. and that is supposed to be a treat. take diego back. let my man fuck

7

179

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

2 years

music really was better when timbaland was making little noises over the top of it

12

95

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

we should never have made LMFAO say 'sorry for party rocking' back in 2011. it's what's in their nature. the tiger does not apologise to the gazelle

5

115

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

3 years

this Insulate Britain thing ends with someone actually driving through them, by the way. there will be injuries and outrage and then a yougov poll will find the majority of the country were on the drivers' side. after a very public trial they'll get off with a £600 fine

37

173

2K

JOEL GOLBY STAN ACCOUNT

@joelgolby

4 years

mad how we still blame rats for spreading the black death, isn't it. based purely on the evidence of the past week it was actually spread by people who 'won't let a virus tell them how to live their lives!' and kirstie allsopp

8

127

2K