JOE @LeBron_Eames Twitter profile

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

Once quarantine is over I’m gonna hang my favorite sweatpants from the rafters like a retired jersey

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Last Seen Profiles

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

my friend’s aunt is a lawyer at Paramount and was a part of Jackass Forever. They’d be like “hey we wanna jump on our friend’s balls with a pogo stick” and a woman with multiple degrees and decades of experience would calculate the liability of crushing Danger Ehren’s balls

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

Holy fucking shit

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 months

imagine hoppin on Lake Shore Drive in a Model T and passin around a jug marked ‘XXX’ with your absolute boys

Culture Critic

@Culture_Crit

3 months

5. Chicago, 1930s

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

when I interviewed at Bed Bath & Beyond the manager explained their commitment to customer service and how they go the extra mile. I jokingly said "that's what the beyond stands for." The manager said "No one has ever gotten that in the interview before" and hired me on the spot.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

This was wild

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

I made Johnny Knoxville laugh and can now die happy

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

Pop Base

@PopBase

1 year

Selena Gomez and Hailey Bieber have followed each other on Instagram.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

Once quarantine is over I’m gonna hang my favorite sweatpants from the rafters like a retired jersey

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

$4,000 camera rig at an open mic. comedy rocks

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

24 days

white women of chicago reacting to the Foxtrot/Dom’s news

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

Brainstorming some ways to find an affordable place to live

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 months

Biden going all eye of the tiger to ask questions about trains reminds me of the time I was black out drunk and named every Bears first round pick of the last 20 years in reverse order

Adam Wren

@adamwren

3 months

. @SecretaryPete to me on Biden’s sharpness.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

me turning to my zoomer cousin during thanksgiving dinner: This stuffing is giving thanks 😂 zoomer cousin: I heard about your DUI

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

it is an absolute miracle that business lasted this long

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

Zoomers are SOFT. too busy vaping on Tiktok to fight a cop on a horse outside Deuces and Diamonds. Biden's America.

CWBChicago

@CWBChicago

1 year

It is our professional duty to report that there were zero St. Patrick's-related arrests in Wrigleyville last weekend. #Chicago

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

5 months

Dudes Rock 🎸

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

My set list from last night’s open mic reads like the world’s saddest to-do-list

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

“you guys married?” “yes. 11 years.” “you like to fuck her from the back?” “please don’t do this.” “you like a finger in the ass?” “this is our first time leaving the house since we put down our dog last week.” “see I KNEW you like it doggy style 😂” 2.4m views 135k likes

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

Hey ⁦ @jontaffer ⁩ big fan

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

@tommybayertime my manager’s name there was Fred Von Bargain and he had a severe lazy eye

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

@david_j_roth One night I was at Walgreens very high and ended up in the candy aisle w Joakim Noah. It was like 1am so I just gave him a nod but after 30 seconds of silence Joakim goes “so what you thinkin?” and then the two of us proceeded to excitedly workshop our respective candy purchases

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

I went through 5 rounds of interviews with this company, did not get the job, then two weeks later they reached back out to offer my mom a job

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

Hey ⁦ @jontaffer ⁩ big fan

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

If you live in Chicago come to the best comedy show in the country (that takes place in a dude’s basement) next show is March 23rd

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

To the couple I caught fucking in the Lincoln Lodge bathroom at 1am last night, thank you for supporting live comedy.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

Just remembered the time I messaged Jeffrey Toobin on LinkedIn about jacking off and he replied

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

When I was in the 3rd grade, I thought that I was gay, cuz I could draw, my uncle was, and I was sexually attracted to men

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

@elonmusk

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

hey @elonmusk they wrote an article about everyone who thinks you’re cool

Brianna Wu

@BriannaWu

2 years

According to Washington Post, the number of men under 30 who never have sex has TRIPLED in the last ten years. That is an astonishing statistic.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

Pod Save America disbanding the pod but vowing to come back should the host of the apprentice ever return:

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

this isn’t about anyone specific, just every comedian with more instagram followers than me

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

I’ve seen the new Borat movie. Not to piss on everyone’s parade but Guiliani, despite clever editing, really doesn’t do anything that weird. The still that everyone is seeing is from a brief shot where we see Rudy cum on his own stomach while reciting the pledge of allegiance

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

Once quarantine is over I’m gonna hang my favorite sweatpants from the rafters like a retired jersey

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

Gonna run the Chicago marathon wearing a t-shirt that says “Sex Is My Cardio 😈” then collapse and die after 1.2 miles

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

I graduated college debt free (established residency for cheap tuition, worked a lot, sold a bunch of weed) but after seeing how crippled my whole generation is by student loan debt I bravely racked up a ton of credit card debt, out of solidarity. Just trying to do my part.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

lmao what a terrible name for an album

Stereogum

@stereogum

3 years

Tony Bennett reveals Alzheimer's diagnosis, new album with Lady Gaga coming this year

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

6 years

@jaboukie “My beliefs are a little unconventional.” They’re literally what we use to define conventional.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

A year ago today I got laid off 1 hour into a 15 hour road trip. What was supposed to be a 3 day weekend in Boulder turned into 2 months of wandering around Colorado and California. One of my favorite adventures yet. The world is beautiful and jobs are bullshit.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

@helen The twitter eligibility of everyone over 40 should be subject to annual review

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 months

As someone with a trans sibling, Dave Chappelle’s fixation with the trans community is weird and off putting. But as a standup comedian, it’s still weird and also not funny

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

White women will say “aww” if you tell them a dog’s name

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

Jon Hamm Jon Prosciutto

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

the best thing about being a Bears fan is that one day I will die

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

I love when the media frames police as being “good at their jobs.” If cops are so good at their job then why do I have zero DUIs?

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

I was at the Cub game when Mongo started off the 7th inning stretch by talking shit to the home plate ump. He was immediately ejected by said ump. To my knowledge he remains the only person ever ejected from a game while singing the 7th inning stretch. A true Chicago icon.

WGN TV News

@WGNNews

3 years

BREAKING: Former Bears Defensive Lineman Steve McMichael revealed to WGN's @paytonsun this week that he's been diagnosed with 36-month onset ALS

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

5 months

In my humble opinion, this is the best comedy special of 2023.

NYTIMES BEST SMELLING AUTHOR

@TallentSam

5 months

Here is the link to my full special

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

I made a Venn diagram

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

@markmcpart did everything I could to obscure your identity so no one would think you’re responsible for this

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 months

I tried to book you, John. Beggars can’t be choosers.

John Hinckley

@JohnHinckley20

2 months

With all of my concerts canceled, it’s a fair statement to say I’m a victim of cancel culture!

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

6 years

@kenklippenstein “Check out this Cosmopolitan Elite with her clothing and ability to live indoors.”

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

@oocsopranos

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

if the sears tower celebrated the packers winning the NFC me and the fellas would fly a plane into it

Empire State Building

@EmpireStateBldg

1 year

Fly @Eagles Fly! We’re going Green and White in honor of the Eagles NFC Championship Victory.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

Never has this been more fitting

emptywheel (not a bill)

@emptywheel

2 years

Everyone eulogizing Madden: How many concussions could we have prevented had he not turned brain injuries into a video game?

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

annual reminder that I reached out to Jeffrey Toobin when he beat off in a zoom meeting and we remain close friends to this day

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

A guy at an open mic just said “I’m kinda tiktok famous” and if you’re reading this sir I want you to know you’re fucking terrible at comedy

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

We’re having fun

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 months

@the_lettuce_cat hey that’s me hell yeah dude

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

about to ironically get in the best shape of my life

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

the ICEE machine salesman who sold this to an urgent care is the michael jordan of sales

Trevor Outlaw

@thetrevoroutlaw

1 year

I’m at an urgent care… why is this in the lobby..?

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

POV: you just walked into a bar in Logan Square

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

6 months

Henry Kissinger never lived to see a Chicago Bears quarterback throw for 4,000 yards in a season

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

my friend correctly said I used to be funnier on twitter. the problem is I found a lovely girlfriend and am no longer sad enough to be good at this. it's really hard to look at your phone and type the words "head from miss piggy probably go crazy tho" when somebody loves you

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

5 months

walking up to my buddy in the back of the club after he just absolutely bombed his dick off

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

18 days

I see a lot of people dunking on Jerry for this take as if he’s wrong. He’s 100% right. He wrote a great op-ed about it in the new yorker or something. Just google “jerry seinfeld 17 year old girlfriend age of consent israel”

Variety

@Variety

19 days

Jerry Seinfeld says TV comedy is being hurt by "the extreme left and P.C. crap, and people worrying so much about offending other people." “It used to be, you would go home at the end of the day, most people would go, ‘Oh, “Cheers” is on. Oh, “MASH” is on. Oh, “Mary Tyler Moore”

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

Fun little joke about #SummerTimeChi please drink responsibly/like me

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

if you build it, they will come (this was an accident he never opened my DM)

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

consultant with an MBA from Stanford: Unfortunately, sir, titties aren’t as popular with millennials. CEO of Hooters, sobbing and covered in bbq sauce while pounding the table: I BUILT AN EMPIRE ON TITTIES!! MY GRANDKIDS DON’T NEED JOBS BECAUSE OF TITTIES! I’LL FUCKIN KILL YOU!

Daily Loud

@DailyLoud

1 year

Hooters is shutting down and “rebranding” after new study shows that millennials “aren’t that into boobs”

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

11 months

obsessed with tactical diaper bags. shout out to all the fellas knocking up their wives and then purchasing gear to remind us they’re not gay

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 months

in case you guys were wondering, the guy who shot Reagan uses an iPad.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

In a Zoom meeting with upper mgmt and 50 other new hires. Everyone has to share a fun fact. Guy before says he lost 60 lbs this year. My turn. “Hey I’m Joe and I’ve gained 60 lbs this year.” Murdered. 3 minute standing ovation. Got promoted on the spot. People wept. One guy puked

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

just kidding this is a direct shot at @geoffreyatm

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

New Study Shows Chicago On Track For “Coolest Year Of All Time.” Full story at 5.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

Currently flying out of Boston and they let me use this as a boarding pass

kyle

@knicks_tape99

3 years

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

posting a standup clip on twitter because I’m addicted to getting 14 likes and a retweet

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

@foxyjewishmama Sluggers, Deuces and Diamonds, Dick’s Last Resort, Zero Gravity, Chili’s Too at O’Hare

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

2 years

funniest 19 seconds in television history

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

With football back here’s a friendly reminder of the time I was bartending during an Iowa vs Purdue game and 4 dorks from Purdue strolled in like “I thought this was a party town?! We drove 6 hours to get here!” at which point I got to inform them that the game was at Purdue

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

I used to walk into gas stations and ask for a pack of marlboro lights and now I walk into a store called Vape It Till You Make It and ask for a "mint elf bar." I guess what I'm saying is republicans were right and we're all gay now.

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 months

for whatever reason I feel like twitter might actually like this one

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

1 year

obviously the message behind this is in support of trans people in Iowa in response to garbage anti-trans legislation…but it would be pretty funny if bigoted assholes were like “I don’t care if people are trans, as long as all of them live in Iowa.”

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

10 days

I was waiting tables at a pretty nice restaurant when this happened. A month or so later I asked the FOH manager why my shifts had been cut in half and she said "you're constantly hungover and last month you screamed "suck my fucking dick, lebron" during the dinner rush."

Ross Pins

@chisportsross

10 days

still one of the greatest moments in modern Bulls history, 9 years ago today Derrick Rose called game

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

@tomgreenlive Not a line but when Freddy and his Dad get off the plane when they return to America and someone in the crowd is holding a sign that says “When The Fuck Is This Movie Gonna End?”

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 months

coworker from Sacramento just told me he hates Chicago

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

@ohthosemartins @david_j_roth Being in the candy aisle at Walgreens at 1am on a weekday means you’re either high or pregnant

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

4 years

@david_j_roth I said “I’m leaning towards watermelon sour patch kids but I also want something w chocolate so I may get a Charleston Chew and then - (Joakim and I in unicent) put that shit in THE FREEZER!”

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JOE

@LeBron_Eames

3 years

If any of you are in touch with my high school Consumer Economics teacher who told me I would never amount to anything, please send him this. Do not tell him I am on food stamps.