Josh Jeffery @JeffCarnage Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

22 days

In America, a functioning alcoholic is someone who drinks 2 glasses of wine on a Friday evening. In the U.K., it’s someone who drinks 4 bottles of Pernot and wakes up on the central reservation of the M6.

Mirror Celeb

@MirrorCeleb

22 days

EXCLUSIVE: Taylor Swift sings about turning into a 'functioning alcoholic' after brutal breakup

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 months

The guy who finished 3rd came from nowhere!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

I’ve just heard someone describe IKEA as the “Swedish divorce maze”. Absolutely tremendous.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

RIP Denis Norden. A great man. Here’s a reminder of the greatest “It’ll Be Alright On The Night” clip ever.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@joelycett @trussliz Go on Liz! Let’s see more of this passion. British made Parmesan NOW!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

RIP Barry Cryer. One of my all time comedy heroes. This clip, taken from the recent @Herring1967 podcast, had me in tears.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 months

You’re all talking about Michelle Mone’s PPE scandal. I’m still obsessed with her incredible performance on Pointless.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

I see Jeremy Clarkson is back in the news again…

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

Guys, can we go easy on Gary Sambrook please? He’s got enough on his plate.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

@NivenJ1 Twitter audit suggests half of his followers are fake. This is the most Trump thing I've ever seen!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

With incredibly clear skies last night, I attempted a night-time version of the iconic St Andrews image. It’s a view you never get tired of.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

Just overheard an angry guy in Gap shout at his girlfriend, “How many times have I told you? I am not f*cking skinny. These are muscles!!”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

10 months

I’m pleased to announce that Francesco Molinari just farted when hitting his first tee shot. #TheOpen

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 months

What an incredible choice of thumbnail!

STV News

@STVNews

3 months

Neil Warnock still seeking first Premiership win as Aberdeen draw with Hibs.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 months

@eugeneh84 He nips down the pub in time for last orders.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

Has this happened yet? #FLOTUS

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

Yesterday I saw 2 tweets that were basically this. 👇🏽

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

Call me woke. Call me a snowflake. Call me “offended”. Whatever. But handing another male golfer a tampon is objectively not funny. It shows the sophistication of a 14 year old schoolboy. @TigerWoods

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

BREAKING: Tommy Fleetwood has been awarded a 10 shot penalty for wearing these trousers.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

A reminder of the greatest David Brent soundalike of all time.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 months

@johngibbonsblog “City’s expertise and organisational structure”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

@WelshGasDoc Reminds me of a friend who took a couple into a room to reveal their STD test results. Only to find out afterwards they were total strangers.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

@PoliticalAP

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

We can talk about the “traditions” of the Masters all we want. But the fact Augusta still don’t allow full TV coverage of the event is like something from the Stone Age. I can’t think of another sporting event anywhere who wouldn’t want the absolute maximum exposure. #Masters

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

I just took this photo in Kingsbarns, Fife. Spectacular sky tonight over Scotland.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@GD10 When they’re announcing the new Poet Laureate…

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@mrjamesob “Harry’s Hollywood Horror Child”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

@SpillerOfTea @therealbriman @BorisJohnson “Did someone say dogspunk?”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

22 days

@Annerson_ 100%. I once slept at a bus stop, and got in the office for 8am. 🔥

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

“We’re here in St Andrews to help the locals save a historic bridge”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

Imagine turning down your place at the Dunhill Links, to concentrate on getting your card back on the Challenge Tour, and winning? That takes enormous heart!! Well played @Oliver_Wilson ! Amazing stuff.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

@Otto_English They’re definitely not racist.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

@MarkHewitt1978 @LizLongstonePR @MikAlexH @fastcarspete @SadiqKhan @LitChick79 Can I get a whoop whoop for Edinburgh (and Scotland) too?

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

@ryanmlanham @P_J_Willett @hrtbps Yeah these days.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

@DaftLimmy

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@BBCSport I haven’t been this embarrassed since I shat myself pretending to be He-Man when I was 6 years old.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

@rossconpollo @MarkHewitt1978 @LizLongstonePR @MikAlexH @fastcarspete @SadiqKhan @LitChick79 WHO CALLED THE FUN POLICE?

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

Only in Scotland would you hear this on the news.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

@Kohrsy0513 @JHenderson @LFC 👆🏽 One of the most overrated people on twitter.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

@pamesjerry @MundialMag Coincidence! Eagle Ship Fish Wave is my favourite player too!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@AvaSantina I thought they were all given 6 bedroom apartments in Belgravia? You’re telling me the Daily Mail lied to me?!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

@DaftLimmy @GMB @piersmorgan Getting this ready.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@Ianblackford_MP Ian, here is the NOTAM, that appeared in the system on Friday. It gives me great pleasure to say that you’re wrong.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

@Feelin_Tipsy @jp4e_ @LGAmbrose That commentary is beyond belief!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@shornKOOMINS @PeninsulaQatar

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

This is where he doesn’t understand what the blue tick means. (Or does, but wants money). No one pretends to be me. However, lots of people may pretend to be William Shatner. Or a journalist. Or a company. The blue tick was only ever about ensuring we know who is real.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

@RishiSunak Same vibes. @neilgibbons

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

@Lynn_McGoo @DaftLimmy Is he like this?!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 months

To preserve your mental health, I cut out the prior 3 minutes of her telling Xander how successful and decent she is.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

@Rschooley @AJemaineClement I'm going to start a political party called "Drop Image Here". Less Photoshopping needed!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

@Red1988Deep @ptgorst No. Liverpool will pay, and Arsenal will stick a pound in.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

This ended me.... #Partridge 😂

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@AngelaRayner Minister for I know where the bodies are buried.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@ITVNewsPolitics @Keir_Starmer My energy bill has tripled from April onwards. My fuel cost has rocketed. My shopping bills are increasing. My national insurance has gone up. Please stop asking MPs about gender. Yours sincerely, literally everyone.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

@chrishoy Funnily enough, I bumped into this guy and congratulated him on all of the Olympic golds.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@Joseph_H_Smith @BeardedGenius @ManUtd Did she do that too? What a talent!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

@5cribblesvurt @Pundamentalism @hrtbps @ShropshireStar Hi, it’s Josh from Greggs. I’m afraid Brian’s phone was inadvertently put into a steak bake, and we don’t know which one. Not sure if can be retrieved any time soon.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

@JimMFelton I love that for some people the biggest issue with this video is that she points at him. 🙈

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

@theipaper What an absolutely incredibly mis-judged article. "Privileged bloke does better than most". 🤷🏽‍♂️

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

@mrjamesob Literally everything we banged on about, and was branded “project fear” has come true. It’s almost as if experts *were* worth listening to.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

@alunsaunders @buntyhoven @AndrewBooton There’s literally no positive in what he wrote. It was smug, middle class, entitled, bitter, snobby shite.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@Oldfirmfacts1 *Tina Turner removes Simply The Best from Spotify*

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

9 months

@Otto_English Cameron was wrong. It’s £1,000 per month mortgages have gone up by!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@sportingintel Here come the Abu Dhabi funded bots to tell you otherwise!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

“Almost British Airways”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

My new year’s resolution is to humanly destroy anyone who doesn’t trim the first 15 seconds off their slo-mo golf swing videos.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

A high quality game of hide and seek going on in our house

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

@tompeck @MarinaHyde I’ve said it all along, but it’s those who scream “snowflake” at others who are the very worst at being offended.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

8 years

@jackbuckby As you're such a fan of free speech, you won't mind me calling you a CUUUNNNT!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

@Wollygogg As pathetic as a fully grown man trying to blame a lost bet on his own child?

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

@benpartridge Absolutely ridiculous story… Tim Rice doesn’t have his helicopter pilot license. Unless you’re suggesting he went rogue and stole it?

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

@Baddiel A bit harsh to pick on Richard, when he’s got some pretty serious smart meter issues right now.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

I fully expect Jon rahm to be wandering the streets of Paris at 4am looking for a kebab shop. #Rydercup

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

@LTCPLUS @DaftLimmy Yeah, this is annoying.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

@josephcmurphy @AnneLou007 @SkyNewsBreak Because the EU are forcing her to type in capital letters.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@NickFletcherMP This is worse than the original thing you said, tbh. 1. James Bond isn’t a role model. 2. Women can be role models for boys, as well as girls. 3. There are literally *millions* of role models for boys to look up to, without the need to mention someone from Peaky Blinders.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

@Stevehogan112 @sid_musa @Sadat_Yazdani @SamMcGuire90 @22mosala @FA Way to distract from the actual issue, Steve.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 months

@anon_opin @fourfoot “Reason for blocking - Moans like fuck when they get blocked.”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

@AccidentalP Not my words, Carol. The words of Top Gear magazine.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

@LewisMcKenzie94 “And as you can see, we’re getting very close to independence. Keep those ideas coming in.”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

Congratulations to Wings Over Scotland on his arrest for harassment. 👏🏽🎹👅🍾 I know how hard you've worked for that over the years!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 months

@WilshTheBalIer @bt_riedel @ClewsCFC @CarefreeCraig @osowxvyy

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

@georgiewalnuts @DaftLimmy

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@BethRigby Can she pay the extra that my mortgage is going to cost because of her poor judgment? No.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

@GaryLineker Living in a democracy means you can criticise the government without fear. One of the great things about our country. One of the bad things about our country is telling people to live elsewhere.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

@DaftLimmy I’m not saying the two things are linked, but the petition site has crashed again.

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

6 years

Pleased to announce that Elle Autumn Jeffery arrived on Thursday night. A rocky start to life, but she’s battled through. Mum doing well. Amelie excited to be a big sister! 😍

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

2 years

@AgentCoopz @DaftLimmy

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

@RobbieKnox If you married her, would you consider taking her surname for the #banter ?

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

@OliverKay @David_Ornstein Oliver - I’m not bitter (there are more important things right now!), but why are some people so focussed on next season, rather than competing the one that’s still going? Surely the current season is more important to finish?

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

7 years

The flat we stayed in this weekend had the most "Golf pervert" secret walkway EVER....

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

@Danny_McMoomins “Nope. Even worse… Leigh Francis.”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

4 years

@clairestrickett @conroy_bumpus @stace_walton That’s exactly what I thought! “Dad chucked my shoes into the street last night, but at least I go to Harrow!”

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

1 year

@AvaSantina Also, I disagree with her point. The ultimate Tory attitude is “if it doesn’t affect me, I’m not bothered”. Therefore if everyone used the NHS, it would be better… because the rich wouldn’t want a crap service!

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

5 years

@DaftLimmy

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Josh Jeffery

@JeffCarnage

3 years

I hired a van today. The guy asked me to show them proof of address. I opened up my camera roll to show them a screenshot of a bank statement. I accidentally swiped across and showed him this image…