michael cruz kayne @CruzKayne Twitter profile | Pikagi

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michael cruz kayne

@CruzKayne

10,002

Followers

649

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666

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WGA/Peabody winner. 3x Emmy nominee. Mongrel. Come see my show? Link below! love you 😘 🇵🇭 🕎

A dermatologist's office

https://t.co/YlsxBSgFVj

Joined December 2010

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

8 months

Hi! I wrote about death and grief and my son and family for @audible_com and performed it @AudibleTheater and now it's available for you to listen to on !

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Sorry for Your Loss

Check out this great listen on Audible.com. On the 10th anniversary of a profound loss, comedian Michael Cruz Kayne felt compelled to describe his feelings of grief in 140 characters or less. Much to...

www.audible.com

@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

this isn't really what twitter is for, but ten years ago today my son died and I basically never talk about it with anyone other than my wife. it's taken me ten years to realize that I want to talk about it all the time. this is about grief

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Last Seen Profiles

@Reggie_Willits

@hartpublishing

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@DELNA_LV

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@komedarako

@Matchagirl246

@mroscarromero

@Maddisondemers

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@wannyanpeasmail

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@Meri_NY_

@xcopy

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@BoqingGo

@slowreadersclub

@robeccasteams

@outofunion

@sarameikasai

@tacomaturf

@nan2000web

@timiszn__

@spiceslag

@peoplevpreds

@therealworld_ai

@siema161

@portals_fi

@mintz4assembly

@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

my kids figured out the password to my wife's computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

my wife just asked me if the link was part of the the name and i said i didn’t know

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URL Shortener - Short URLs & Custom Free Link Shortener | Bitly

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@stereogum

Stereogum

4 years

Grimes and Elon Musk have a baby boy named X Æ A-12

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

this isn't really what twitter is for, but ten years ago today my son died and I basically never talk about it with anyone other than my wife. it's taken me ten years to realize that I want to talk about it all the time. this is about grief

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

2 years

there is nothing i won't do to make sure the waiter likes me. i will sell out everyone at the table. "i'm so sorry about them" even if they're being totally normal. nothing matters more to me. i would give it all away.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

fisher daniel kayne forever and ever

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

follow up text from my actual wife

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

and maybe now, a decade later, i'm ready to contribute a tiny bit to his legacy also, with a plea: *ask your sad friend about the sad thing that you never talked about*

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

grief is isolating, but not just because of the sadness. also because the sadness is the only part about it that anyone knows.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

ask your friend about the sad thing that you never talk about, and be open to the depth of that experience. one day, and I mean this without grimness or condescension, everyone you know will be dead. it will help us if we talk about it. or anyway it is helping me.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

my dead son has a legacy already, in my wife, who became a pediatric intensive care nurse because of him. can you believe it? being around sick and dying children all day? healing/caring for them? she does that because of my son.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

but grief is not one thing, it is a galaxy of emotions, most of which are put in orbit by the loss of someone you loved, and the harrowing (or not) circumstances surrounding that loss. but we only get to talk about one part publicly: the sadness.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

some things make me confused: we cremated our son. how the fuck does that work? like, what are steps one through ten of that process? some things make me laugh: the funeral home handed us a receipt after our son's funeral that said "thank you come again" at the bottom.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

if you are grieving, you are not alone.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

most of the conversations we have about grieving are very very weird. tragedy is still so taboo, even in the era of the overshare. it's all very *sorry for your loss* and tilted heads and cards with calligraphy on them and whispering. we're all on tiptoes all the time.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

and they both have a sister, who asked us to put an extra candle in her brother's birthday cake, and who led us in writing a story about her dead brother tonight (and yeah we talk about our dead son with our living kids all the time because idk that's what we decided to do?)

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

our dead son has a twin, who is very much alive. and he's really just great. and that's crazy too, because the better he is, the more i'm like ahhhhh shit I wish his brother were alive.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

not a single person has ever been unkind about my son, but almost no one considers the fullness of his loss and how complicated and weird and everything else it was and continues to be. having just recently started talking to other grievers, I know many of them feel the same.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

8 years

. @VancityReynolds my daughter just turned 4 and didn't get what she wanted for her birthday 😶.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

anyway. all of those thoughts, up until recently, have basically been kept to conversations with my (amazing) wife and (fine) family (jk also amazing). and now I want to share them. and I bet you have a friend with a sad story also wants to share the not sad parts.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

but there is more! some things make me angry: when the hospital prepared us for his death, one of the doctors kept saying "your daughter" repeatedly until I said through gritted teeth "he is a boy".

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

2 years

jk simmons ---> lol simmons

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

6 years

My five year old daughter is writing valentines for her kindergarten class and has written on all of them “you love me”. “I think you made a mistake.” “No I didn’t.” 😎

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

never too old* to start at a dream job just finished my first day as a staff writer on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and I am very grateful for it *i am ~almost~ 26

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

damn ice cream dude stole my wife :(

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

my high school a capella group was warming up in an elevator in the st regis hotel while a random dude and his son were in there with us i blew into a pitchpipe “you hear that?” the dude said to his son. “that’s e flat.” and it was and that man was Kenny G anyway who cares!

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

@Marr3ro66 @laurenlapkus frankly, im scared to not give it to them

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

1 year

Every moment of this is perfection, but no other lyricist in all of time will ever match the profound emptiness, the blissful void that is Angela Bassett Did The Thing

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

this is now a genre of covid headline: “They were unbelievably careful, but after one indoor party where 400 guests with pre-existing emphysema bobbed for apples in one another’s open mouths, the virus mysteriously spread...”

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michael cruz kayne

3 years

@MelindaTaub they are capable of anything

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

yesterday my daughter said everyone has one annoying thing about them and I said JOKINGLY that I don’t, and then my son said that I do, so I said what is it and he said “you look like a trash bag and you’re 68” 😎

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

While you’re here check out my soundcloud:

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

11 years

. @realDonaldTrump It's light outside, where the hell is "night time"??

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

9 years

doc: u have cancer man: oh my god that's terrible doc: we'll have to try some treatmen... man: STOP POLITICIZING THE ISSUE

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

so @twitter named my tweet thread one of their 19 favorite tweets of 2019 and then they sent me a framed copy of it which is very nice! weird to have this hanging in my apartment? uhhhhhhhhh we’ll find out, won’t we?! love you to everyone ! Happy new year! #fdk

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

I asked for a kale caesar at sweetgreen and the woman started putting peaches in it but just as I was about to correct her she whispered “it’s my first day! I’m so nervous!” so now I am eating a combination of ingredients that can only be described as nonsense.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

7 years

tfw all the background actors from a boardroom scene get their own tv show

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

ok so I hired an accountant to do my 2019 taxes and he fucked it up. I got a letter from the IRS that says I owe a lot of money. Sucks but ok, I owe it. My question: if the IRS knows how much I owe WHY DONT THEY JUST TELL ME AND I WILL PAY IT?!?!

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

after 97 years, the first gold for the Philippines her scream at the end oh god this is now a Hidilyn Diaz fan account

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

8 years

at this rate im gonna delete 33000 of her emails too lol

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

6 years

haters gonna say its fake

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

@ClaraJeffery can’t guarantee anything these kids are part of a dark web conglomerate for all I know

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

if my fiancée left me for the most fuckable person on earth it would take a SWAT team to get me into clothes of any kind so I have nothing but respect for this man

@ThatRebecca

Rebecca Keegan

3 years

Siri show me the different expectations for male and female presentation in Hollywood

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

1 year

I’ve heard of Flavor Flav, but Savior Sav?

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

@youranalogbuddy oh no this was bound to happen

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

7 years

. @realDonaldTrump using the @POTUS account to like his own tweets is all you need to know about how morbidly vain he is

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

One week ago I tweeted about grief, and a lot of people responded. I just wanted to apologize for being unable to respond individually to each of the thousands of comments that my wife and I read tearfully to each other.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

2 years

12 years. Fisher Daniel Kayne forever and ever.

@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

this isn't really what twitter is for, but ten years ago today my son died and I basically never talk about it with anyone other than my wife. it's taken me ten years to realize that I want to talk about it all the time. this is about grief

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

@MelindaTaub yes! terrifying

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

6 years

You: Colin Kaepernick should stfu. Racism is over. Cops treat everyone with dignity! Cops:

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

absolutely furious at my ICU nurse wife for getting vaccinated while Meghan McCain is left to fend for herself

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

14th amendment, section 3 is pretty cool

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

i mean wow

@TelevisionAcad

Television Academy

@TelevisionAcad

3 years

If there’s a more impressive shot of @NicoleByer ’s iconic purple #Emmys dress, well...we’ll believe it when we see it. She stopped by the #emmyMagazine portrait studio during the show, and the rest was history!

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

Did you know that if your public school closed and you got an EBT card to reimburse you for school lunches, you can use it to buy food for a community fridge or something similar? Here in NYC, $600 is very little! If you have extra $ consider donating to people in need! Love you!

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

FYI when I hit this, the convo is over, do not keep texting me

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

gonna start calling 11 "baker's ten"

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

guess what when I was a kid my mom didn’t understand the rules of baseball and every time *I* hit a fly ball my mom would scream CATCH THE FUCKING BALL and ppl thought she was there for the other team and that she was drunk anyway shes the best but this lbj thing is good too

@SBNation

SB Nation

5 years

LeBron pumping up his son Bryce after a game is one of the best things we've ever heard ❤️ 🎥: @KingJames

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

1 year

Hello this woman is my god give her a billion dollars she is the Oracle of Delphi and Cassandra and Nostradamus all in one

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

how to treat other comedians who insist on making jokes that provide cover for sexual assault

@sohbunshu

宋　文洲

4 years

やめるんだ

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

What a brilliant response, with the restraint befitting a leader. @AOC is a role model for our daughters, our sons, ourselves.

@cspan

CSPAN

4 years

"My father, thankfully, is not alive to see how Mr. Yoho treated his daughter. My mother got to see Mr. Yoho's disrespect on the floor of this House towards me on television. I am here because I have to show my parents that...that they did not raise me to accept abuse from men."

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

hello i am flying business class transatlantic right now and i regret to inform you that i will murder/pillage/etc to never have to fly dirty disgusting coach ever again economy lolololol i would stab my best friend to stay in business u either understand or u dont

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

11 years. Love you, Fish. Many thanks to the thousands of people who responded to this. Love you, too.

@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

this isn't really what twitter is for, but ten years ago today my son died and I basically never talk about it with anyone other than my wife. it's taken me ten years to realize that I want to talk about it all the time. this is about grief

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

“When Twitter purged the Nazis and terrorists, I lost sooooo many followers!” is not the cool brag you think it is

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

cut to her last classmate ( #26 ) and my kid is ready to be DONE with this project. I cried laughing when I saw this. "Jen. I will call you Jen." Happy Valentine's Day, all.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

Really a dream come true. This is a great show and I’m honored to have been on it.

@LateNightSeth

Late Night with Seth Meyers

4 years

Check out @CruzKayne ’s hilarious stand-up set on growing up Asian and Jewish, raising his two kids and more.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

6 years

Please be kind to Sarah Huckabee Sanders who has always promoted hatred, racism, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia and authoritarianism with the utmost respect. Thank you Sarah for being a model of the respectful harbinger of hell on earth that we deserve!

@PressSec45

Kayleigh McEnany 45 Archived

6 years

Last night I was told by the owner of Red Hen in Lexington, VA to leave because I work for @POTUS and I politely left. Her actions say far more about her than about me. I always do my best to treat people, including those I disagree with, respectfully and will continue to do so

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

7 years

wow just had a crazy columbus day. went to my buddy's house. killed him and his family. calling his house my house now. luv u columbus

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

10 years

i. ate. an. entire. bag. of. shredded. sharp. cheddar. cheese. for. dinner. with. my. bare. hands. i. love. myself.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

John Stockton after doing his own research on how to block shots

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

Finally, in the spirit of sharing the un-sad parts of grief, let me add that I never expected to get responses to tweets about my dead son from accounts with names like this, but that's the weird/cool thing about twitter, which is mostly a cesspool. thank YOU, potato pussy™.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

what are the best named things of all time? My nominees: flight of stairs lazy susan

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

rapists

@BobbyEberle13

Bobby Eberle

4 years

I will NEVER forget the disgusting way Kamala Harris treated Brett Kavanaugh. Who's with me?

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

2 years

UCB feels so long ago at this point that talking about it feels like saying "you know boy, in my day we worshipped the Norse gods..."

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

my daughter is starting to like making these videos pls send help

@thedad

The Dad

4 years

What did the proud sweet potato say? Feat. @cruzkayne #thedadclubtv #jokestoldbykids

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

does anyone else find it weird that the people who are in the lake are wet but the people who are on land are dry

@DeAnna4Congress

DeAnna Lorraine 🇺🇸

@DeAnna4Congress

4 years

Does anyone else find it odd that no prominent Democrats have had the virus but the list of Republicans goes on and on?

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

6 years

my son has started calling me his "chubby boy," as in GO WASH YOUR HANDS no thanks, my chubby boy

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

@ihatejoelkim @laurenlapkus I DID! the director’s cut includes 15 minutes of him coyly giving and taking back a cupful of rainbow sprinkles check it out on blu ray thx

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

6 years

crisis actor auditions were off the chain

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

We dig @DouglasEmhoff .

@colbertlateshow

The Late Show

@colbertlateshow

3 years

Late Show writer @CruzKayne is here to show you how fashionable the White House will be with Vice President Kamala Harris’ husband Doug. #LSSC

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

@ActuallyCurtis they have an aarp (american association of right-around-twenty-six persons) outreach program

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

2 years

hey i wrote this and every single person who worked on it made it more fun and better

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

Old man gets on the train begging for money. Woman approaches him. He says thank you. Instead of giving him money she gets down on her knees and takes his picture, gives him nothing. Another dude says “taking his picture you better give him some money.”

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

2 years

@calebsaysthings In a rare sincere tweet, allow me to recommend a twice-monthly injection called Dupixent that has changed my life re: eczema. Ask your doc about it? I love to push pharma on my friends pls follow me for more atopic dermatitis content.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

is anything good happening? here is a video of my kid trying to make a Rube Goldberg machine. It makes me smile! What is making you happy in this world?

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

@DarcyCarden deeply same

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

2 years

My kids won't bring their ipads upstairs.

@yashar

Yashar Ali 🐘

2 years

Think about the incredible jaw strength and body strength this leopard has to be able to carry an antelope up a tree. And this is a younger leopard!

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

@thisislangan actually not funny when u think about how right away my kids r gonna love their new ice cream dad much more than me

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

Pete Davidson's Penn Station

@s_nessen

Just your friendly neighborhood transit reporter

3 years

🚨🚨Hochul plans to rename Penn Station…! But won’t say what it will be yet. Says it should be named after a New Yorker.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

7 years

honestly it wasn't until i had a daughter that i realized that this is all hillary's fault

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

You don't go shooting up a place called Young's Asian Massage if you're not trying to kill Asian people. It's a hate crime.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

If you like/share this tweet you are legally obligated to follow me on pls don't break the law! you have people who count on you!

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

2 years

his father's love

@MysterySolvent

Mystery Solvent

@MysterySolvent

2 years

What is Don Jr. hunting for?

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

the awful american truth is that you know the pandemic is winding down when the mass shootings start up again

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

Happy #AAPIHM from @colbertlateshow ! Here are some of the 23 million Asian Americans you forgot: @mindykaling @JLin7 @IamSandraOh @danieldaekim @brucelee @GeorgeTakei @steveaoki @AndrewYang @HudsonDYang @SenDuckworth @YoYo_Ma @AmyTan @JABBAWOCKEEZ @LucyLiu @TigerWoods @BrunoMars

@colbertlateshow

The Late Show

@colbertlateshow

3 years

On #LSSC tonight: @CruzKayne sings a jaunty tune to remind you about a forgotten group of people.

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

pitch: open SNL with Alex Baldwin singing Hallelujah at the piano

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

please help my son keeps beating me in Super Smash and yelling catchphrases that he made up when he wins “HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PIT?” what does that mean

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

5 years

@ihatejoelkim @laurenlapkus this is literally just the excerpt he performs at the tonys; the whole show is 95 minutes and christian borle won a drama desk (featured actor-musical) for it

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

3 years

RIP to the PIT, the theatre that I always went to whenever I was supposed to be at the PIT loft

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

1 year

unfortunately our love for working is superseded by our love for eating, paying our rent, keeping the lights on, sending our kids to school, having health insura

@DEADLINE

Deadline Hollywood

1 year

Warner Bros Discovery's Hour-Long Earnings Call Omits Any Mention Of WGA Strike, But CEO David Zaslav Tells CNBC He Believes "A Love For Working" Will End The Impasse

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@CruzKayne

michael cruz kayne

4 years

hey I have a highly contagious respiratory disease, any of y'all wanna pile in my hermetically sealed suv for a quick ride around the block

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