critter @BecomingCritter Twitter profile

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critter

@BecomingCritter

2 years

hot person: wow everyone here is so nice

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

I accidentally ordered 3x the wings we typically sell in a week I am in the possession of 5200 pounds of chicken wings In one week, I have to throw away everything I don't sell I am open to all ideas on how to move these things

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critter

@BecomingCritter

4 months

I got a nail in my tire. I went to Honda last minute. I haven’t had expensive work done there. They said it would cost $30 and it would take 30 minutes to fix. It took 40 minutes. They apologized profusely for the wait and said the fix was free to ‘make it right’. Amazing

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critter

@BecomingCritter

18 days

Dissproportionately

@dissproportion

18 days

I’m beginning to think I don’t understand how sails work. What if the wind is blowing the wrong way?

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

I lost my 20s to running on the beach, reading books, writing, partying with friends, and dining at restaurants with beautiful women I'll never get that time back, it's gone now

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

asked a girl out and she sent me this

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

@eigenrobot that’s one way to get fired

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

What the fuck I was today years old when I learned that your peripheral vision doesn't perceive color Your color-sensing cones are bunched up to perceive the center of your vision

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critter

@BecomingCritter

16 days

the reason most men don’t do therapy is the same reason they don’t engage in prostitution

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critter

@BecomingCritter

1 month

@growing_daniel he’s triangulating your location

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critter

@BecomingCritter

25 days

I have had enough of this ‘wifejak’, send the drones

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

horror story I gotta share I was hanging out with a few people and the one guy I knew left the room for a few minutes

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critter

@BecomingCritter

5 months

An employee today told me that "I don't think you'd understand, because you're white" and without pause I replied "You think I'm white?" She started blushing and began apologizing profusely (I am white)

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

I didn't expect such a large response, I am very grateful for all of your ideas 🙏

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

@hopes_revenge this was my thought as well

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

@LocalRoastingCo creative i’ll give you that

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

The "I don't want to be a stepdad" leaving my body as I start dating in my 30s

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

Video Game Industry: $221 Billion Movie Industry: $77 Billion Music Industry: $26.2 Billion You could combine the revenue of the movie industry and the music industry, double it, and you'd still be shy of the gaming industry Yeah, we play video games

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critter

@BecomingCritter

4 months

Very cool how when the human body needs sleep it just falls asleep naturally unless any one of these instances are present: 1/136

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critter

@BecomingCritter

4 months

They then offered to wash my car by hand if I had the time, again no cost Crazy to encounter truly quality customer service these days

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

150 cigarettes A DAY?

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critter

@BecomingCritter

2 years

Thread of DALL-E AI generated images and their prompts

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critter

@BecomingCritter

7 months

Why’s it always seem like the people that get burnt out are sitting in an office working maybe 5 actual hours, and the people that are on their feet doing real work 8+ hours a day never do?

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critter

@BecomingCritter

4 months

I should also mention that whenever I've had work that took a while they offer to shuttle me home for free and pick me up, they have a really nice waiting area, complementary coffee and snacks, face masks, and one employee even lent me their iphone charger.

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critter

@BecomingCritter

6 months

lick lick lick mmm acid so good, thank you, slay, ego death pop pop pop pop , thank you brandon thank you chaz, ganja ganja

Fowl Hockey Dad Szn

@FowlClaytoris

6 months

I found my worst nightmare. I can smell the patchouli through this

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

@leman_pie i will be doing this if we can’t move through them

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critter

@BecomingCritter

26 days

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

follow me for more updates on how I fuck this up

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critter

@BecomingCritter

7 months

when reading anything Kafkaesque, it's important to remember that, while writing, Kafka would laugh so hard that it would disturb his neighbors, and while reading his work aloud he was known to laugh uncontrollably

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

philosophy is simple

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

@Leirbagflow did they really

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critter

@BecomingCritter

8 months

My friend just found out from her wedding planner that her wedding is off because her fiancé doesn’t want to get married anymore They were going to get married September 16th

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critter

@BecomingCritter

2 months

when I was 13 i went to a birthday party. the birthday boy’s the mom had separate events for the boys and the girls, and one of the events had everyone write down who they liked most at the party and if both people chose eachother she let them know

Chris Lakin

@ChrisChipMonk

2 months

during Extreme Awkwardness last night we did an activity where we went around the circle and pointed to the person we “most wanted to end up in bed with by the end of today”

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critter

@BecomingCritter

15 days

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 years

Why the FUCK is there something rather than nothing?

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

Many are asking how to best spend your 20s: -Income and productivity maxx -Only read biographies of great leaders -Tweet for clout -Spend all your time working -Ignore women, they like that -Amphetamine prescription -Burn the fuel of youth, grind grind grind

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

@CuirCannage i am probably going to do something like this

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critter

@BecomingCritter

1 year

@thechosenberg some people’s ability to rewrite their memories in order to show them in a better light is profound

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critter

@BecomingCritter

8 months

you can tell a guy's life is falling apart when his tweets start getting amazing

Ava

@noampomsky

8 months

you can tell a guy is in love when his tweets start getting bad

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

Do dudes actually hit on married women like this?

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

@Leirbagflow that’s more than i have but maybe i can get a small fighter jet

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critter

@BecomingCritter

11 months

the first time I tweeted this it got 7 likes

sophie

@netcapgirl

11 months

What’s your best tweet that didn’t get the love it deserved when you first tweeted it?

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

Is this reasonable? My friend just admitted to me that she's in a fight with her husband because when she came back from a trip, his ejaculate was significantly below normal volume Now, she doesn't think he cheated on her. No, she's just mad that he masturbated a lot.

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critter

@BecomingCritter

10 months

to anyone that thinks they’re clever stealing from retail

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

My Landlord: Hello is this Nick? I need to talk to you about why your electric bill is so high Me: You can come by anytime, my door is always open

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critter

@BecomingCritter

10 months

being in a relationship is amazing sex is amazing being loving and loved is absolutely the shit Yet, doing whatever you want whenever you want without consideration of anyone while living alone is a blissful freedom it's not altogether healthy, but damn is it rad

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

haha remember meeting the woman of your dreams and you were in love and you gave it your all but it still didnt work out haha

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critter

@BecomingCritter

4 months

Her: *jokingly* Am I the most beautiful girl in the world? 🥺 Me: I feel more present with you than anyone else, I feel a deep connection to you, and you’re absolutely the most existentially beautiful woman in the world to me Her: Yeah but in a superficial way too right

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critter

@BecomingCritter

6 months

just noticed something

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critter

@BecomingCritter

15 days

@JatinOffWork sounds like a guy that would go to therapy

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

it totally sucks and there’s no simple solution for how important sexual compatibility is in a relationship and how much investment it takes to figure out if you have it

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

These two jamjars are the same volume

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

we did it kings

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

What makes half of women livid makes the other half horny

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critter

@BecomingCritter

8 months

this suggests to me that people are going to be able to make AI videos that trigger people in deep and unsettling ways and it also makes something like the 'Infinite Jest' seem more possible

Jess Mac

@JessMacAI

8 months

Happy Saturday!

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

@ookhaimoh I would have spent my youth maximizing my income like any good citizen

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critter

@BecomingCritter

2 months

I went to a business center costco for the first time this is all just la croix

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critter

@BecomingCritter

4 months

Do you know how many times it's been expected of me to congratulate my friends for getting married or having a baby? Pure chance and luck. I did this. With sheer willpower. Not 1 of them has said well done. No acknowledged effort. Power to everyone who doesn't conform.

Sarah

@katasterizo

4 months

Do you know how many times it's been expected of me to congratulate my friends for getting married or having a baby. Pure chance and luck. I did this. With sheer willpower. Not 1 of them has said well done. No acknowledged effort. Power to every woman who doesn't conform.

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 years

Monk does nothing "wow so enlightened" Rich dude does nothing "wow what luxury" NEET does nothing "you should be ashamed"

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

Wow vision is expensive Vision makes up 2/3rds of all electrical activity in the brain

critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

What the fuck I was today years old when I learned that your peripheral vision doesn't perceive color Your color-sensing cones are bunched up to perceive the center of your vision

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

medium-boiled eggs are strictly superior to hard-boiled eggs

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critter

@BecomingCritter

10 months

porn has been devastating for society but you gotta admit it's definitely upped everyone's head game

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

One down she's turning up the heat

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critter

@BecomingCritter

4 months

@mechanical_monk turn away: I want to feel enveloped turn toward: I want to feel connected lay on back: i hate you

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

one gender gulf i think about a lot is how women cannot know the depths that male shape rotation can reach. We can imagine spherical cows spinning at 900 RPM. We can turn the mona lisa into a torus. We can rotate taylor swift into a balloon animals using only our mind

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critter

@BecomingCritter

8 months

The issue with philosophy is sometimes it will improve your life and other times it will just make you skilled at defending an increasingly inscrutable worldview

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critter

@BecomingCritter

27 days

sorry guys but recycling is a scam you're not saving the world

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critter

@BecomingCritter

16 days

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

uhh

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critter

@BecomingCritter

18 days

in order to sail directly into the wind you need to turn repeatedly, called tacking

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

There is an implicit code between friends that you don't hit on or in any way communicate that you would want to sleep with their gf/spouse/partner Asking "are you poly?" heavily implies sexual interest

Aella

@Aella_Girl

9 months

@BecomingCritter wait why is this bad? I think I've asked every single friend in a relationship if they're poly at some point

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

@RokoMijic @lisatomic5 I always vote blue, i didn’t even read the question

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

What book were you the most surprised to have enjoyed? For me it was ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle maintenance’. I thought it was undergrad bait but it turned out to be very well laid out and surprisingly compelling

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 years

ancient dudes rock

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critter

@BecomingCritter

1 year

whatever you think about aella, this is nutty

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 years

the beauty of writing is overhearing yourself say the things you did not know you knew

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critter

@BecomingCritter

11 months

dating on the apps is wild because occasionally you meet someone that's not an NPC and the whiplash is nutty

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@BecomingCritter

9 months

If this isn't crazy enough, you have almost no rods at the center of your vision, only cones This is why you struggle to see a dim star when you look directly at it, and why the center of your vision can seem obfuscated in low light

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@BecomingCritter

3 years

Men are criminally under-complimented

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

liz

@inerati

9 months

I find this shockingly high. Wait another one

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

Her: Do you think higher beings communicate with us? Me: Rarely ever with me, but I'm sure they communicate with you often Her: Oh? 😇What makes you think that? Me: Well you're 5'3"

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

I pray you never repeat my mistakes

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@BecomingCritter

9 months

I answered your quiz pls respond

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critter

@BecomingCritter

10 months

I have zero understanding of what distinguishes people with whom I do and do not have chemistry

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@BecomingCritter

6 months

How is it possible that all these long-term cellphone contract agreements are $75-$100 a month And yet prepaid is like $25-50 a month unlimited data how does this make sense

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critter

@BecomingCritter

2 years

rotator is a palindrome

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critter

@BecomingCritter

18 days

@Turbo_Kurb0 the love of god

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critter

@BecomingCritter

6 months

aella: this could be us but I don't bathe

𝔽eral ℙawg ℍunter

@FeralPHunter

6 months

this could be us but i cant read

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critter

@BecomingCritter

5 months

age gap is all fun and games until she starts asking you questions she would otherwise ask her dad

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 months

@aknox92 ha ha 😭

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critter

@BecomingCritter

3 years

My wife and I had a horrific peek-a-boo accident with our child we had to bring him to the ICU

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critter

@BecomingCritter

26 days

@tapir_worf oh everyone loves creative writing until it's Marriage Story

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critter

@BecomingCritter

8 months

You've gotta be fucking kidding me

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critter

@BecomingCritter

9 months

Not only that, but certain color sensing cones are spread wider than others, so that if you have something multicolor coming in from your peripheral vision, you will first perceive the blue first, and then the yellow, and then the red and green

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critter

@BecomingCritter

8 months

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critter

@BecomingCritter

11 months

@the_wilderless you do not have to believe your thoughts and ideas it’s possible to simply observe them without assuming they are true

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critter

@BecomingCritter

4 years

I have hinted this on here, but I'll be especially clear I know all of my mutuals and followers are thinkers. Probably programmers, data science people, perhaps in finance or sitting in offices of some sort I am not. I am a day laborer. I pick things up and put them down

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critter

@BecomingCritter

11 months

No, let us rizz more words charisma-> rizz constitution-> toosh dexterity-> rit intelligence -> lij strength-> reng wisdom-> isdo

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