Tiffany Stevenson @tiffstevenson Twitter profile

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Tiffany Stevenson

4 years

Me writing about men like bad male authors write about women ‘He charged into the room, pert testicles bouncing gaily. I saw a scar & wondered if he’d had a vasectomy. He opened his plump lips, full of promise but annoying words came out...something about a football match’

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

2 years

Watched Jamie Oliver on the One Show demonstrating how to cook using minimal stove heat for less than 3 mins. Media can you STOP normalising this. It’s not normal. In one the richest nations in the world. It’s not gas cooking, it’s gas lighting. We need to take to the streets 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Not being racist BUT everyone in that audience looks like a cunt

Carole Cadwalladr

@carolecadwalla

5 years

When Brexit’s done we’ll take the knife to them. I’ve had enough of all of it’

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

CHATNAV - new service where your mum gives directions with bits of info you didn’t request ‘Turn right at Marks & Spencers, they’ve got some nice bits in the sale at the moment ‘ ‘Straight on South St then left by uncle john’s ex wife’s house...remember her? She had tinnitus’

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Do fuck off Lesley and whilst you are there put some parental controls on your iPad 👍🏼

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

What are you talking about you mad cunt?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

His penis looked sad, like it knew it’s best days were behind it. He was 30 long past his sexual peak. A 4 pack left , the memory of 6 pack. I imagined lonely days doing tricep dips in his flat share. This was a one time thing, not boyfriend material . I would hit this & quit

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He came past my window every day in his running shorts, flaunting toned calves. He WANTED me to see him. Stopping to tie his shoelaces, fingertips dancing lightly over Air Max . Glancing at me through virile eyelashes, promising everything. Would I gift him my vagina I wondered ?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

Hilarious to see Buy British trending on here at the moment when the only thing we are mass producing at the moment is government incompetence

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

His buttocks like marbled rock, almost chiselled by the gods themselves. Temptura. Women have conquered oceans for these . I wanted to keep them forever in my mind, perfect. His gonads playing peek a boo through them. Tempting little plums. Did he want me to flick them? Probably

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

The new temp had his top 2 buttons open. Did he know how much chest hair was glinting at me flirtatiously? Almost more fun if he doesn’t I thought, allowing myself the fantasy. After all, I was running this Fortune 500. He was just a blank page for me to write my desires on

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Anyone else do 2 courses of toast like main and dessert ? Or just me ?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

The pool boys taut pecs rippled invitingly in the sunlight. Nipples like bullets ready to shoot helpless women in his sight. I wondered how he even left the house with those things. Did he spend days playing with them? Luxuriating in the bath, marvelling in their mystic wonder?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

I saw a woman Louise standing next to him, running a finger along his collar. I was immediately filled with rage . I knew then I would have to fight her. The idea of her seeing his tender, nestled trouser treats made me furious. They were mine alone. She had to be destroyed

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He sat opposite her on the tube daily. This was an invitation. When he picked up his copy of Short List she would start a conversation. He was shy, she could tell by how he crossed his legs to shield his pocket potatoes. He licked a finger to turn a page. Filthy little, shy, slut

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

It’s weird lots of these antivax dudes don’t mind a 90 percent effective drug if a woman is taking it to prevent pregnancy #CovidVaccine

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He knew what a tight little package he had. As he walked away derrière high , he looked over his shoulder . Nostrils flaring lustily he said “I’ll have those spreadsheets done by lunch” . Yeah office whore you will . If anyone was gonna get that sweet office seed it was me

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Why does he get to be a professor with a nationality , quirky pastime and a pic? She just gets to be a woman with body parts? ETERNAL FUCKING SIGH . Her name was Anastasia Russia professor admits murder after woman's arms found in bag - BBC News

Russia professor admits murder after woman's arms found in bag

Napoleon expert Oleg Sokolov is pulled from a river as he apparently tried to dispose of body parts.

www.bbc.com

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

A thread of harassment in several parts 1AM Northern Line Having finished my late night shows I get on the train at Leicester Sq as do 2 young women in their early 20’s . Following them on is a drunk man not wearing a coat about 6ft & talking at them.

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

A male comic the other day told me proper feminists don’t wear make up. Could spend a while unpacking that one but I guess I’ll just say proper male feminists don’t tell women what feminism is and what to do 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

@MichaelRapaport Hi Michael Rapaport . Are you calling me a loser for doing a joke? Just checking. Stay chill, hear you are doing comedy now. Get used to jokes

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

2 years

When our government have effectively abandoned us during this and these energy companies are posting record profits. If we tolerate this people will die. Staying warm, bathing, having light and cooking aren’t luxuries they are basic human rights

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

Having a normal one

Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

Can we bring back dick cheese as an insult?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Maybe feel some guilt about trolling an actual child though eh?

Julia Hartley-Brewer

@JuliaHB1

5 years

Hi Greta, I’ve just booked some long haul flights for my family to enjoy some winter sun on the beach this Christmas. Level of guilt being felt: 0%

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

A Boyf once dumped me in McDonalds In 1998 my car stereo got stolen Once a pigeon shit on me in Camden market In May someone pushed in front of me at the train station Last month I got a parking ticket I was born & live in London . These things are ALL Sadiq Khan’s fault

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

2 years

Those are the last examples I saw, it’s all across tv shows and newspapers. It’s not me kicking off at BBC or at Jamie although there is a separate argument about v. wealthy people talking about belt tightening. Let’s not normalise living in Dickensian conditions. No acceptance

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

TV Show Idea Fully Clothed Attraction Two people meet and have an actual conversation to see if they are compatible

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He bounded in perplexed “I’m worried my dick looks too big in these trousers, they won’t take me seriously” I gestured him to my lap. The smell of our sex still on him, musky like an old ford cortina. I said “Babe they didn’t hire you for your brains. Now, while you’re up there”

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

6 years

WOMEN IN COMEDY a thread We are just trying to exist and tell our stories in a framework that punishes us for our femininity and also punishes us for not conforming to it. We are told our stories don’t matter, our careers don’t matter in comparison to men

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Guys! Just heard this mental rumour that apparently you can go into a Greggs and NOT order a vegan sausage roll if you don’t want to. ALSO that you can (if you want to AND ONLY IF YOU WANT TO) get a regular sausage roll. It’s fucking nuts out there in 2019!

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

BBC reporting on Matt Hancock just gave a warning that report ‘contains flashing images’ and I don’t think any of us deserve that

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Someone just called Uri Geller a ‘spoon nonce’ and it may be the best description of him I’ve ever heard

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Jesus. You should take a year off from being that cunt...

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

I’m always stunned on results day how many rich and connected white dudes who went to private school come out to say ‘hey don’t worry about exam results, I didn’t do well & look at me now’ with no sense of awareness whatsoever

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

Weird how Portugal is going back on the amber list after Champions League final

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

And I really want things to be better for the next generation of women. So women let’s keep looking after each other and men like that SORT YOUR SHIT OUT as it will no longer be tolerated

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

If Boris had shielded his dick as much as he is shielding Cummings he might actually be in a position to give parenting tips

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Some of the dudes in my mentions are saltier than the jis drying on Louie’s jeans. If you are a fan of his and laughed all power to you. I’m probably gonna have to come off here for an hour or 2 and watch Cop Land 😂

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Lady Colin Campbell thinks Meghan is cheap and vulgar but Jeffrey Epstein was just doing some business . What a start to the week . Is this enough proof that we should just fuck titles and the idea of ‘gentry’ off now ?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

@kellydirector When I find the right publisher . Already planning my ‘Tempting Little Plums’ and ‘His penis looked sad’ t-shirts

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

The irony of staunch conservatives in the UK and US who are ‘pro life’ but seem to think it’s necessary for old people to die for the ‘economy’ or ‘herd immunity’

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

‘No vaccine for me mate! I don’t trust anything that hasn’t been vigorously market tested’ said Danny as he snorted a line of coke cut with Daz Ultra that had been fished out of a geezer in Hounslow’s arsehole less than 2 hours prior ‘I’m not a complete mug!’

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

I’m in the US at the moment. People are dying and homeless because they can’t afford medical bills. In the UK I can even be as blasé to make jokes about it as I’ve never known what it’s like without it . We must fight to the last to protect it #saveournhs #nhsmillion @NHSMillion

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

A clip from 8 out 10 cats on YouTube. MRA’s have taken opportunity to comment that I’m fat, ugly, a whale and when they run out of that a man says my earrings are ugly. When they finally get around to critiquing my comedy they suggest I don’t understand my own jokes. 2019

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

She put her lapsang souchong on the table and stared intently at him “What do you think you can bring to the company?” She said out loud but inside she was wondering the exact capacity of his bottom flower and whether other women had explored it. “I’m a self starter” he replied

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

Just seen a headline saying "Piers Morgan breaks silence after controversial comments" and that's the funniest shit I've seen today. The idea that Piers had a silence to break it's literally been less than 24 hrs

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Just because she was 67 and on the board didn’t mean it was an abuse of power. He was so coquettish with the filing. Sure he was only 21 & he needed this job like she needed those goose eggs in his pants. She was tired of her husband in his 40’s now and packing quails down there

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

She was delighted at the size of his huge member not because she liked big penises but rather she wanted her hands to look petite. There were some signs of wear and tear on it but otherwise OK. The gooch was ungodly though and she would have nothing to do with it

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Any chance the left can coalesce and kick the Tories the fuck out? Like not be so busy arguing with each other and aim for the common good rather than split hairs over micro differences whilst the right bond over what they hate

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Guys leave the Jeffrey Epstein statue alone he put a lot of money into the banking and finance sector !

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He rolled out of bed half mast and put on a waifer thin pair of trunks. You could see the outline of his dick, like a mole rat in a straight jacket He strode confidently to the window, nuts clacking like lusty castanets. He stared out, not a thought in his handsome little head

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

It won’t though. It will make me book a fancy lunch. That I pay for myself, with the money I make from living my dream like Dolly. The OP’s sour grapes will make a lovely Grenache. My salad dressing will consist of the male tears of those who have smaller cars & yachts than Dolly

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

Don't make Billy Connolly trend and give me a heart attack you fuckers

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

7 years

How many sexual predators does it take to change a light bulb? One! But no one will believe he changed the light bulb until he does it 50 more times

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He spoke fast, lips like two dancers colliding in a saliva tango. I wanted those lips on me, I would kill any woman who got between me & those lips. I must have them, wherever I wanted them, whenever I wanted them. Sound filtered in “and she said yes” . I knew what I had to do

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

The dull ache of her desire had been with her all day. Annoyingly the new guy had worn a shirt that was too tight. Pecs straining at the leash, buttons begging to release them. She was going to speak to HR about the dress code. How could she be expected to get ANY work done?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He had cheekbones you could open oysters on and deep green eyes like pond algae. He said he had never had a girlfriend before. I would be his first, his guymen was mine. Once I had conquered that schlong mountain, I would tell everyone about in email or on an instagram post

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

@anylaurie16 Paul just told me there are a worrying amount of testicle mentions 😂😂 but it’s so much fun to come up with phrases like ‘pocket treats’ then ponder the merchandising opportunities 🥜🥜

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

I just diagnosed encephalitis on Grey’s Anatomy because I saw it diagnosed on Hannibal . What I’m saying is basically I am a doctor

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Just saw a man with a very expensive watch at the airport, asked him if he was aware just how expensive it was. He said yes. I said ‘well you shouldn’t be wearing that in public’ . Then I gave him a 5 minute lecture and told him if he gets mugged he was asking for it #manpolice

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

I’ve been thinking about the environment a lot & ways to save the planet. We need a cull , I’m suggesting People who pay in coins for anything over £5 Anyone who uses hubby or ‘ hubster’ Cunts who hate swearing Peerage Those fucking cereal drinks Crocs

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

...that men aren’t allowed to talk to women anymore. Of course you can but don’t approach them at night , when they are vunerable and take the hint when they don’t want to. That’s your ego men when you get a NO take it . DON’T REPEATEDLY ASK THEM WHERE THEY LIVE

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

It’s so boring that we keep having to indulge this because women are in fear of violence ALL THE TIME . I’ve posted before about women being harrassed when travelling. If uncertain don’t approach us , it’s not a bar or a restaurant or public park. We are trying to get home ALIVE

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Hi @DailyMailUK I have some think piece pitches for u! Pls reply if interested 1. Should men over 40 be dads? 2. Do good dads wear skinny jeans? 3. Post vasectomy fashion spread 4. Can men work AND parent? 5. Pics of male celebrities who are single & analysis on it #manpolice

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Comedy is so about class I could cry. The one area of the arts when you can genuinely give it a go at no cost apart from your time and ideas. Rock up at an open mic with your piece of paper and a couple of jokes written on it. You don’t need to have come from RADA or Footlights

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Why should she apologise? We’ve gone fucking insane

The Guardian

@guardian

5 years

BBC's Steph McGovern apologises for Boris Johnson comment

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Does Prince Andrew know about the Pizza Express voucher?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

The Crown doesn’t sell itself as a documentary or a reconstruction so they don’t have to say shit. Imagine thinking a drama was damaging the Royal family rather than Prince Andrew or how they treated Meghan & Harry 😂😂

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Unbelievable bit of womb bothering in Starbucks at services . A pregnant woman got her Caramel Macchiato and the guy behind the counter said ‘Oh , it’s for you . Do you want me to make a decaf?’ She said ‘No, thanks’ Him ‘No I should because caffeine is bad for the baby’

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Hi Amanda Thanks for telling us what makes your husbands dick hard 🤢🤮🤮

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Meghan actually downgraded her life to be with someone she loved. Not the other way round 😘

Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

6 years

Is Meghan living the dream? 😂😩🇺🇸🇬🇧 #royalwedding2018 #MeghanAndHarry

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He was so morose Agatha wondered if he had gone fuck crazy. Madness of the cock. She’d have to get Nurse Scrapings back in again to treat him. He was yet to provide an heir which was very inconvenient . If it continues , I’ll have to put him in the attic and move on she thought

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

There are so many incidents where women don’t make it home. So anything you do as a man that threatens us or makes us feel like we won’t make it home safe makes you a fucking DOUCHE . I know the girls follow me on here so I hope you made it home OK

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@tiffstevenson

4 years

When asked about changing nappies Bernie Ecclestone said that’s what wives are for. I personally think it’s beautiful that she is willing to do that for him #ThisMorning

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@tiffstevenson

4 years

I don’t want to hear about Oscar Pistorius and his sporting achievements in the same way I don’t want to hear about Epstein’s great skills in the banking industry #OscarPistorius

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Solidarity to anyone else that found today fucking rough. To anyone whose parents are talking them through wills/ bank details. To anyone not with the person they love. To the workers in the NHS. To the supermarket workers, delivery drivers and bus drivers. To all of us

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Dear Matt Hancock Stop blaming us for the possibility of a second lockdown because we can’t follow ‘rules’. The rules are unclear, stupid and arbitrary. Put in place because of the mass incompetence of this government Yours faithfully Anyone with a brain

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Another trip round the sun. Please don’t make me have to talk about ageism in this industry as well as classism and sexism. I’m tired 🥰 Anyway happy birthday to me🌸💗I’m in Los Angeles with pink hair , some more performances of Mother and a bag full of scripts

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@tiffstevenson

4 years

A quick google search revealed what a tempting piece of clit bait he was. His hair was the colour of Lucozade Original & immediately she wondered if it was matching down there. Was his manhood nestling in some pumpkin wool? A flesh coloured sea cumber surrounded by apricot reefs?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Imagine being annoyed that Meghan Markle (an American) has an opinion on an American election

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Me ‘Unbelievable. Stop it’ Then he continues to try and justify policing a complete stranger for 5 minutes. He was maybe 30 years old max. Are they also doing Ob/Gyn training at Starbucks these days?

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

I can’t believe I’m already seeing ‘be kind’ trend with Tom Meighan . I fucking hate everything. How about you tell him to be kind with his fucking fists?

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@tiffstevenson

1 month

They’d just come back from the sea

Nature is Amazing ☘️

@AMAZlNGNATURE

1 year

There's a cat and an owl outside my window 🐈🦉

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He flounced off in a huff. Susan was exasperated with him. She heard the door slam as she reached the landing. Some soft sobbing followed by the sounds of Fifa loading. She tapped on the door ‘Fine!’ She said ‘I respect the shit outta you, now let me see those chino charms’

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

She wondered if she looked at his penis in the back of a spoon it would appear bigger? No matter he wasn’t a catch, that probably just meant he was one of those guys who tried a bit harder in the sack. She’d lie back and think of Prosecco. Smash and dash. That was the plan

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

2 years

I can’t wait for 9 months time when all the queue babies are born

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

2 years

This morning I took this thinking it was cute and Paul said I look like I’m having a selfie with Lenin’s corpse

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@tiffstevenson

5 years

The women are very sweet and thank me for intervening and I can’t not because I’ve experienced this shit my whole life. Also we always have to look after each other. I’ve spoken about this in my stand up before because I’m tired of the lack of nuance around it . Some tired idea

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

Hi Sunday Times, your classism is showing!

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@tiffstevenson

5 years

This guy definitely wants to jizz in my shoes right ?

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@tiffstevenson

5 years

I say ‘When women are alone at night men are a threat ‘ Also I didn’t believe that for a second as I’ve never known any of my gay male friends to pitch a shit fit when being asked why they were harassing women at night and also THEY DON’T HARASS VUNERABLE WOMEN AT NIGHT

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Seeing no maskers on here call supermarket staff jobsworths and sheeple for literally trying to do their jobs. The same supermarket staff that were considered key workers during the pandemic. There is no mask that can cover being a cunt I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

Shut up you toilets ! 20 years later and I got a pinch o finch in Hollywood 😂😂 @ralphineson

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

3 years

Can we bring back dick cheese as an insult?

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@tiffstevenson

6 years

Is Meghan living the dream? 😂😩🇺🇸🇬🇧 #royalwedding2018 #MeghanAndHarry

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@tiffstevenson

4 years

She peeked under the duvet at his limp penis. Reminiscent of a glow worm in a snood. Maybe she could crank it like an old man restarting a jalopy. He wasn’t that into it clearly but that wasn’t her problem. ‘Thumb it in!’ she demanded & proceeded to lay back and think of Clooney

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

5 years

Nice try Katie Hopkins or whichever of your tag-nuts did this

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@tiffstevenson

4 years

His voice drifted in, something about a promotion & maybe starting his own company. ‘STOP!’ She screamed. ‘I can’t bear hearing about your silly MAN dreams, they’re utterly pathetic’ . His face quivered. A single tear rolled down his cheek provocatively. ‘Let’s fuck’ she said

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Tiffany Stevenson

@tiffstevenson

4 years

He knew what would happen if he delivered her pizza late. He was 20 minutes over, in sweat drenched bike leathers. ‘Please don’t report me, I have a family’ he pleaded sexily. She pondered how much of her weight he could take whilst she threw herself around on his bread stick...

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679