Laurie Kilmartin @anylaurie16 Twitter profile

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Laurie Kilmartin

3 months

🎉AVAILABLE NOW 🥳 My New Comedy Special! 💔CIS WOKE GRIEF SL*T HERE-> 🍎 APPLE TV 📺AMAZON 🖥️ YOUTUBE 💘Share with Lovers and Haters!!

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Last Seen Profiles

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

We couldn’t wear masks for 3 months, so now we’re going to have to wear them for 2 years.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

10 days

So more than half dont?

New York Post

@nypost

10 days

Almost half of Americans want anti-Israel protests banned from college campuses: poll

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

just got in my first post-dead mom shouting match with a lady whose mask was around her chin. Gotta admit, it felt good to yell “My mom died four days ago, pull your fucking mask up” in a pet store.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Aubrey, my mom is dying of COVID, I’m watching it right now on Facetime. The palliative care team says her bed will be ready for you in 12-24 hours. See you then!

Aubrey Huff

@aubrey_huff

4 years

I will no longer wear a mask inside any business. It’s unconstitutional to enforce. Let’s make this bullshit stop now! Who’s with me? #coronavirus

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

Dozens affected!

John DeVore

@JohnDeVore

2 months

OH GOD THREADS IS DOWN TOO

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you throw hot coffee on the face of anyone not wearing a mask.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Mom passed away at 9:40 AM.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

So I am just watching my mom sleep and cough in her hospital bed, over Facetime, trying to gulp down these last moments having a mom. This is all happening so fast.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

A family tried to get a woman to take a middle seat so they could sit together and she held her ground. 💪

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

8 months

Throwback to when I complained to the other Conan writers about the WB security guard who threatened to ban me from the lot if I lost another ID. Everyone was on my side, then one writer asked how many IDs I’d lost and I said “17” and they all turned on me.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

“Honey, put the pizza in the fridge before you go to bed.”

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

5 months

Imagine going through five and a half months of pregnancy to have it result in this:

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

I am your friend*. If you’re getting peer pressured this holiday season to do some unsafe celebrating, you can say, “Sorry, I’m paranoid, my friend’s mom died from COVID.” And I will back you up!

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

Kate getting Meghaned, who herself was Dianaed.

Daily Star

@dailystar

2 months

Kate Middleton dubbed 'chaos-bringer of humiliation and mockery' as 'shining star' fades

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Norm MacDonald was a true GOAT. As a comic, as a talk show guest. A true original. He tweeted this to me as my dad was dying from cancer in 2014, “I’m just an idiot, Laurie but I found when I embraced the pain as tightly as I could it became love. I pray for you.” RIP Norm. 🇨🇦

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Mom’s doctor confirmed that COVID is what’s killing her, so all you fucks who went to the beach on Memorial Day, I hope your sunburns turn to skin cancer, and I hope you catch it too late for treatment. 🙏🙏🙏

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

when does she turn 35

Public Citizen

@Public_Citizen

4 years

. @AOC : Having a daughter does not make a man decent. Having a wife does not make a decent man. Treating people with dignity and respect makes a decent man.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

1 year

The 18 yo who jumped off a cruise on a dare and is now dead, I can’t stop thinking about him and his parents. EVERY teenager is thisclose to doing something that dumb for laughs. My son said “don’t worry Mother, I will not jump off a cruise,” ok son but WHAT ELSE would you do?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

1 year

Men, never accept a contract with Getty Images:

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

My mom died from COVID before the vaccines, so I don’t want anyone else’s mom getting the vaccine. JK, I was just seeing what its like to be one of the “don’t cancel student loan debt because I paid mine off” crowd. Feels shitty! No thanks!

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Remember how exciting it was to get vaccinated, you were safe, your friends were getting safe, everyone was getting safe, soon this would all be over

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

My dad hated the Daily Show because it was “liberal” but he loved the Colbert Report. I think conservatives don’t get political satire, so they believe the joke is on “their side.”

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

1 month

lol this was most days in our monologue meetings. You can see why I’ve been almost clinically depressed since the show went off the air.

Justin Credible

@GravySauceCream

1 month

this may have been the best episode of hot ones I’ve ever seen. Conan is a national treasure.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 months

well well well if it isn't my dear dear friend THE SIDE PART

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

16 days

I can’t believe the Secret Service allowed this:

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

8 months

they’re not coming back, they died from COVID

New York Post

@nypost

8 months

Seniors have stopped eating at Cracker Barrel, Olive Garden — and it’s not clear when they’ll come back

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Every comic mocking Eddie Izzard should be sentenced to a week at a club, trying to follow her.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

I forget how accustomed the crown is to deference from the British media. It’s made them extremely soft and stupid.

Kaiser@Celebitchy

@KaiseratCB

2 months

Telegraph: Stephen Colbert didn’t ‘warn’ the palace about the Rose Hanbury jokes

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

11 months

Normally, if your father and uncle were shot to death, if your brother ODed, if your other brother crashed into a tree and died, if your cousin crashed his plane into the sea, if your aunt was given a lobotomy and if your kids’ mom hung herself, I would have empathy for you.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 years

My heart is with 🇨🇦right now, your money is about to get so ugly.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

This is code for “young audiences don’t like me”

TMZ

@TMZ

3 years

Bill Maher Says Cancel Culture is Destroying America

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

It’s ok for grandma to die, but not the stores she shops at.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

I was just notifed that since my mom was a Trump supporter who died from COVID, her death has been ruled a suicide.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Fuck yeah Paxton Smith. At a high school football field in Texas no less.

Kolleen

@littlewhitty

3 years

In Texas, Lake Highlands High School valedictorian, Paxton Smith, switched out her approved speech to talk about abortion rights.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

The Gaetz thing isn’t even fun, I’m so sick of these kind of men, and we have one on the Supreme Court too FUUUUUUUUCK

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Together again! Keep it down, you two! 😉😉😉

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

What about a 10k bounty on men if we think they caused an abortion?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

I love a 3 day weekend in the middle of a 200 day quarantine.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 months

hey Boy Moms, when you’re looking at colleges, are you telling your sons which states might force them to become a father in their freshman year?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 years

I just witnessed a gold medal effort at small talk: a guy started telling me about the carbon monoxide in my mask, so I said “my mom died of COVID so stop with the COVID bullshit.” Pause. He apologizes then says, “so, is it your first time in Wisconsin?”

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

this one is going to ⁦ @DanCrenshawTX ⁩ because his fundraising letter came with a stamped return envelope.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Sooooo... I drove 75 min for an outdoor show in the OC. The restaurant owner decided to move it indoors, and now I’m not doing the show.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

One of these numbers was my mother. Thanks to these folks who marched for her and all the others.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

was this picture of Kate Middleton made with a thousand photographs of Kate Middleton ?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

This isnt the 70s, these middle seats fucking suck

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

New mask!

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Folks, the answer to “Why are you wearing a mask?” is “Because I have COVID, would you like me to take it off?”

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

What if Elon Musk pulled Tesla out of Texas because of it’s restrictive abortion laws, what if men were as mad about that as they are about CA state taxes?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

I’m still doing this to every Republican who sends my mom a SASE. ⁦

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

As always, my advice to young comedians is have parents who owned an emerald mine.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Sister is on Facebook, trashing family members who think masks are unconstitutional, IT’S LIT

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 years

We got this. All we have to do is wait 5 months, vote, then cross our fingers that three or four people with the best healthcare in the world die.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

6 months

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

William asks for a divorce, she attempts suicide (in December), she is treated and they’ve been trying to contain/ calm/ manage her ever since?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

24 days

A woman just said “COVID’s over” to me on the street and instead of something clever I said, “fuck you bitch, I hope you get it.”

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

@M_Letsholonyane I guarantee that these two won’t have kids.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

The biggest lesson I’ve learned from this Kate MIddleton stuff is that lots of non-royals in the UK are waiting 4 months or longer for cancer treatment.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

We’re not all gonna fit in Canada.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

5 months

this is a Reductress post

New York Post

@nypost

5 months

Dear Abby: I’m 22, I think my 55-year-old boyfriend just wants me for sex

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Instead of fixating on Lara Trump, let’s appreciate Vanessa, who decided to raise six kids by herself rather than remain married to Don Jr.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Sooooo two and a half more months like this and then civil war?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

cause they died?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

In keeping with his beliefs, anyone making death threats should be acquitted.

The Hill

@thehill

3 years

Trump lawyer van der Veen: “My home was attacked. I've had nearly 100 death threats."

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

I feel for the @FBI , if only all the people they are looking for today had been gathered in one place yesterday!

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Wow, he really is a piece of shit!

Axios

@axios

4 years

The final minute of Trump's news conference this evening

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

JUST PAY PEOPLE TO STAY HOME FOR TWO MONTHS JFC

The New York Times

@nytimes

4 years

Schools are not planning to follow a traditional bell schedule. Instead, individual pods of students will travel through unidirectional hallways at specific times, including, in some cases, for pre-scheduled bathroom breaks.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

UPDATE: the bed’s available.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

We need a snowstorm that cancels 10,000 flights, ASAP.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

18 days

I’m a parent and if a college is: 1) in a state that banned abortion or 2) allowing snipers to aim AR-15s at peacefully protesting students… They’re off the list.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Folks, I am related to people who are sorry for my loss and outraged that they must wear a mask.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

The whole “I don’t know how moms do it” sentiment is annoying. Learn how, you dumbshit. It’s not magic.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Wow, the one shot they won’t take.

NBC News

@NBCNews

3 years

Covid-19 is the leading cause of death for law enforcement officers nationwide, according to report by the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

1 year

I’ll explain it to my teenage son after I tell him what a magazine is.

New York Post

@nypost

1 year

Megyn Kelly says SI Swimsuit cover featuring trans pop star Kim Petras will be a turn off to teen boys

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Could Greg Abbott be arrested if a fetus in Texas dies of COVID?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

5 months

Me: “you need to get your drivers license.” 17 yo: “whyyyy?” WHAT IS HAPPENING?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

it’s been 4 years of Cheeto this and orange that, comedy so toothless I thought we were lost, then Sarah Cooper- @sarahcpr - cracked the fucking code.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 years

Just had The Talk with my son, you know the ole “don’t open the classroom door during a school shooting because the kid knocking on the door could be the mass shooter” talk. Love to be an American mom!

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Petition to change the name “Golden State Killer” to “Former Cop.”

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

What if, after 9/11, 747s continued to be flown into American buildings on 9/12, 9/13, 9/14... daily through June of 2002 because Florida and Texas didn’t want to check for boxcutters at their airports?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

“Hi, it’s us. The ones who put you there!”

The Sporting News

@sportingnews

3 years

The first Iowa Wave of the season 👋 Players and fans turn to wave to the Children's Hospital behind the stadium.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

She died not at home, surrounded by people she‘d never met. #COVID

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

“You’re a great inspiration to Rose and me.”

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Been a tough year but we’ll always have that Thursday night when Trump got COVID. 👯‍♀️

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

@aurorabrshealis I didn’t say that at all.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

K-12 should skip this year. Sleep in, watch anime, graduate high school at age 19.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 years

My dog needs 7 vaccines to stay in a kennel but any Floridian can fly on an airplane, okay.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

1 year

I don’t mean to disrupt the hotel industry but how about checkout is 24 hours after you check in?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

*fyi I prefer friends who never contact me, or try to meet for coffee.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Hurricane Sally has not flooded a single American city if you only look at the Blue States.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 years

Ok, everyone’s moving to Texas because they have no state income tax, but if you’ve tried to walk on a Texas sidewalk, you know they could used a little state income tax.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Thank you for sending love to my mom but really it’s my dead dad who needs your thoughts and prayers. I’m sure he thought he’d get a few more years to himself.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 months

Sophie tried to make outside money and failed, came crawling back. Sarah Ferguson is so bad at making money, she lives with her pedo-ex for free housing. They like failure. They want M/H to fail and come home. But Meghan is about to make baaaaaank, that’s why they’re pissed.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

Getting hammered with sister, on multiple kinds of booze. Up now: Vodka (mom’s fav) and this Violet stuff. Violet was mom’s mom, and she died when mom was 16 and it really fucked mom up. Hopefully, Mom’s catching up with Violet now so CHEERS TO MY LADY ANCESTORS!

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

I want to open a restaurant just so I can offer cantaloupe-free fruit cups.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

The bouncing ball is COVID

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

2 years

These hearings have me wondering, is crime illegal?

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

My sister and I are both heartbroken that mom’s last words to us were complaints about the nursing home and not about our appearance.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

4 years

It's very stressful to love a person and hate their politics, but after their death, their politics go away and you're left with love. And books to burn.

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Laurie Kilmartin

@anylaurie16

3 years

Below is a statement, not a joke. The “whores” line is a continuation of the set up, it is not a punchline. Here is a sample joke using this same set up: “Spare me the ‘many woman don’t know they’re pregnant for 6 weeks.’ Most women know I’m a douchebag within 2 seconds.”

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