erin whitehead @girlwithatail Twitter profile

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

10 years

Write like your parents are dead. Tweet like your friends don't follow you.

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@WhoIsHLM

erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

I’m going to take a break from social media for my mental health. I will see you all in 2 minutes.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

Me playing with a baby: God, how many times can you peek-a-boo before it gets old, kid? Me: *opens and closes twitter 8,463 times during one movie.*

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

I wonder if people in Germany were like “Ugh 1933 sucks. 1934 better come through for me!”

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

1 month

You kids don’t even know. Back in the 90’s if a show was bad or you didn’t like it, you just never watched it again. You didn’t watch the whole thing and tweet about it like you’ve been handcuffed to the couch without a remote.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

Being unemployed *looks* like you’re on vacation but *feels* like every day is Sunday night in middle school.

Louie Mantia, Jr.

@Mantia

6 years

What‘s something that seems obvious within your profession, but the general public seems to misunderstand?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

When the abortion issue comes up, even pro-choice people start to rely on the tragic cases (rape, medical issues, poverty) to defend it. But in reality, a fetus is a female body part until it’s born. Women can do what they want with their own body for any reason. That’s it.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

Once again, other mammals get credit for my ideas.

The New York Times

@nytimes

6 years

Many mammals are changing their sleep schedules to avoid human contact, a new study found

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

8 years

For much of the country a violent, misogynist, racist, sexual assaulter is preferable to a woman. We feel it every day but wow, to see it.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

I don’t buy the “Everyone is doing their best” theory. I know firsthand that I’m not.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

2 years

Is cancel culture where men get paid to do specials about the time they got canceled?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

9 years

This is insane. My landlord won't accept "great exposure" as rent when we all know it's a perfectly acceptable alternative to payment.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

“He was always real quiet. Kept to himself.”

ABC News

@ABC

5 years

A “mildly venomous” snake has gone missing from its enclosure at New York’s Bronx Zoo. But zoo officials say the shy reptile poses no danger to visitors.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

I’ve been off coffee for 2 months and it only makes your life worse, for anyone considering quitting. You don’t have an addiction, you have joy. It’s not a problem, it’s a tool. Worried you need it? You need air, too, but you’re not quitting that. Go have a coffee while I wilt.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

What do we think, is Rush in hell... or in Limbaugh?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

He really did know when to fold ‘em.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

2 years

I need to move to the woods. I am so behind on understanding life now and I’ll never catch up.

Watcher.Guru

@WatcherGuru

2 years

BREAKING: Justin Bieber has purchased Bored Ape #3001 for 500 $ETH ($1,310,125 USD)

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

I’m subletting an apartment in an influencer-heavy LA neighborhood and a woman in full makeup recording on her phone just walked under my window and said to camera “The truth is, the biggest unknown Hollywood predator is— hold for plane…” and then she WALKED AWAY! WHO IS IT??

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

The threat of dying if you touch someone isn’t as romantic as I had hoped.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

“I’m an empath.” — a narcissist

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

All I want for my Birthday is the Queer Eye Fab Five. No. I don’t deserve them. None of us do.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

"Haha, this real life thing could be a black mirror episode!" --Twitter "Yep. That's the concept of our show." --Black Mirror

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

I’ve never felt nostalgia for something so recent but I find myself missing the time when I thought it was about getting men to believe women, not getting them to care once they believe her.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

I gotta stop going to movies on twitter recommendations. I forget you’re all trying to get jobs.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

Hey this health plan is no big. If you're sexually assaulted just don't report it so u can get medical insur...oh I see why they want this.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

My anxiety: Wanna play charades? Me: No Anxiety: Ok guess what I am. Me: You’re just anxiety. Shortness of breath is anxiety! Anxiety: And the headache? Me: ...oh fuck Dehydration: Gotcha! I’m playing too!

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

8 years

This woman's "I'm deleting my Facebook" post has 52 comments and she's replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

A FUCKING SQUIRREL JUST THREW A NUT AT ME. ... Or to me? Dude I really have to watch my negative attitude!

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

11 months

The Other Two cannot write a bad joke. Every word hits. I’m dying over the driving to the reunion musical number.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

No reply. Hmm did I overcharge?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

@SarahThyre @ambertamblyn It was the same with Cosby. So many men needing to process knowing this about their hero... no mention of the women.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

No, thank you, furry skeletons.

Nature is Amazing ☘️

@AMAZlNGNATURE

5 years

Black Snub Nosed Monkeys

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

Remember, ladies, no one will take your recipe review seriously if you don’t mention that even your picky husband liked it!

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

@jk_rowling Please. With every word you write on Twitter you make me like Harry Potter a little less. Just stop.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

How as grown women are we supposed to truly solidify female friendships without sleepovers?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

All foxes look CGI.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

My favorite Beach Boys song is the one about the bisexual guy who went to a dance lookin for romance but couldn’t decide between Bob or Anne.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

1 year

@deadeyebrakeman I imagined he was her hostage, tied to a chair and watching this psycho grind up pasta and call it “fresh pasta.” This is a modern day Misery.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

Me watching Schitt’s Creek: “Oh! I have that same lawn chair!... Oh. I have that same lawn chair the set designer chose to emphasize the tacky state of the town.”

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

Anyone who doesn't believe in science shouldn't be allowed to benefit from it anymore. No more medicine, makeup, technology, or gravity.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

If I am to take a cue from men on instagram, I should be commenting “What a gorgeous group of men” and “Lovely dudes, everyone looks beautiful” under promo posts for male comedians.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

“One year ago a raccoon told me to meet her at the top of a building. Here I come, darling.”

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

1 year

I wish, instead of a gym membership, I could purchase a diner membership. One monthly fee, all the diner breakfasts I can eat.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

On my first day substitute teaching in a second grade classroom, the first kid to walk in impulsively hugged me and then every single other kid warily hugged me like they thought it was my rule.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

Hot women, I beg of you, just post your hot pictures without the contradictory self deprecating caption. I don’t have the energy for the mental gymnastics. “Oh... this photo of you in an awesome body suit with sex hair is... about bad posture?”

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

YES. Hannah Gadsby articulates this so well.

Splitsider

@Splitsider

5 years

Hannah Gadsby: "Men are not creepy. Spiders are creepy. Rejecting the humanity of a woman is not creepiness. It is misogyny"

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

9 months

Of all people, too. Drew Barrymore could afford to pay her entire crew and writing staff during this strike (*if* that had been the impetus to return to work). Drew Carey is feeding writers he doesn’t employ for the duration. Drew, be like Drew!

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

Wait why are we remembering 9/11? Those people died of underlying causes: jumping from buildings, fire, smoke inhalation. Only like 6% died or terrorism.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

Fine, I’ll say it: Dairy Queen ads are great. Just a slow motion spoon dipping into well lit ice cream. What more do you need!!??? My new thing will be defending large corporations no one is attacking.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

How did “dream boat” become a term for a man and not a bed?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

1 year

It feels wildly unfair grandparents die like a decade before you figure out what you really want to talk to them about.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

Oh shit. I sat down to watch tv 11 years ago and forgot I was sent here on a quest from a magical world. Surely my people are dead.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

Virus: I will kill you. Americans: GREAT!!! HOW CAN WE HELP!!!????!!!!?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

Fuck it. I’m eating a bag of romaine. I’m going to bed.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

Imagine if you were dating someone you liked and then you saw them make a phone call ON SPEAKER in public, and walk around talking at top volume as if they were alone. I guess it would like finding out your boyfriend was a murderer but more embarrassing.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

Inspirational post: “You are enough.” Me: “Kind of a low bar.”

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

Me every time I have a margarita: “I don’t think this has alcohol in it.” 10 minutes later: “Why don’t I go clubbing?”

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

Not being in the middle of a pandemic.

elan gale

@theyearofelan

4 years

Name one thing you will never take for granted again

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

Imagine if I extended my car’s warranty every time I got one of those calls. My car could live to be 3000 years old!! 😭

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

I fantasize a dystopian LA, I rescue my therapist from under rubble, she confesses I'm her smartest client & always wished we were friends.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

To the men who whine, “We’re not all Harvey Weinsteins!” I’d like to say, “Shut up, Matt Damons.”

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

So sorry to break it to you: most of your social media posts should be texts to friends. And even then; have some restraint.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

@MaraWilson @jillboard Any plot that hinges solely on an easy-to-remedy misunderstanding. Meet the Parents. Most 80s sitcom plots.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

I get why we use the other examples— it feels like we need to appeal to some sense of empathy in the other side. But I don’t care about their empathy. I want to vomit on their feeling entitled to power and decisions over a woman. Because it goes much deeper than abortion.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

Sorry I can’t hang out with you today, I have to sit around and anticipate an event I have later this evening.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

I have never actually seen this Animal Crossing game with my own eyes, but from pictures people post it seems some have islands and quaint cottages while others have murder basements filled with vegetables. Too similar to real life IMO.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

Good morning. This coffee has a cotton candy cloud that rains sugar into it.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

2 years

What, truly, is wrong with companies that they want to weirdly make you click “No thanks I don’t like discounts!” or “I’d rather pay full price!” in order to just browse without giving them your email? That’s like 4th grade bully behavior but approved by a CEO.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

“He liked her glossy hair, the pout of her lip, the supple curve of her plump breasts- in stark contrast to her flat stomach. But most of all he liked that she seemed completely unaware of her beauty, like a child... a child he could legally fuck.” -male author

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

People are like “Jesus was anti capitalist!” “Jesus loved sex workers!” Ok fine maybe but more importantly, Jesus was a fictional character in the most boring book of all time. EXCITED TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

8 years

My therapist thinks I should love myself but wouldn't that be settling?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

Walk in the club like "Oops my mistake I did not realize this was a club."

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

Every time I find a beautiful, affordable rug on Amazon it’s a placemat.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

I think tonight at Thanksgiving dinner it would be nice to have everyone in the family go around the table and say what they think hashtags are used for.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

Remember in Ghost when Whoopi is like “He says I love you!” and Demi’s like “Sam would never say that” and Whoopie’s like “He says ditto!” and it’s sweet? Because he’d NEVER SAY I LOVE YOU? TO HIS WIFE? God 90’s movies ruined me.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

We must remember that 👏🏻WORDS 👏🏻HAVE 👏🏻POWER👏🏻. I can’t buy Chelsea boots because I knew a lame Chelsea in 3rd grade. I resisted yoga for years because it sounded like yogurt. I bought cake today labeled “icing” but was actually cream cheese frosting which can go kill itself.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

Honestly would love a vaccine that puts a tracking device in me as I am very precious and darling and therefor very worried about being kidnapped.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

Often I’ll think, I’m so happy I commented on that thing online.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

1 year

Imagine getting word “They decided to go in another direction” and it’s dead Tom Hanks.

Deadline Hollywood

@DEADLINE

1 year

Tom Hanks On AI Making It Possible To Continue To Appear In Films Even After Death

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

I didn’t listen :/

erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

13 years

The best advice I would give my younger self is, "Don't assume there will be time machines and you can just go back and fix all this later."

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

8 years

A guy just told me "Jesus loves you!" What is this, middle school? Jesus couldn't come over and tell me himself? Are we together now?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

12 years

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

“Jesse’s Girl” would be so much more romantic if it went “I wish that I were Jesse’s girl” and it was about a guy who’s in love with his friend and not a guy who calls the girl he’s into “Jesse’s girl” instead of her name.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

At a high school graduation listening to a senior girl make a speech: “I didn’t come here to make friends...” Me: “But guess what, I did.” Senior: “But guess what, I did.” Me: “See, mom? I could be in high school. WHY WON’T YOU LET ME MOVE IN WITH YOU?”

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

Calling it "foreplay" instead of just "part of sex" is like calling chewing "fore-eating."

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

Groundhog Day is my favorite movie about how it takes approx 2000 years for a man to stop trying to manipulate/assault a woman and be kind.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

Bring back “Hot dog!” as an exclamation.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

I play too

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

I’m so torn between really giving a career in the film industry my all and creeping into the forest, finding a hollow tree in which to dwell, and never being heard from again.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

Smoking pot isn't a personality, adults.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

Well, definitely not Women’s Studies.

Netflix

@netflix

6 years

what class you taking?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

3 years

Admittedly DYING to know the extent to which the White House had to be exorcised. All new plumbing? Walls scrubbed? Powerful witch brought in? I need details.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

7 years

Not every time, but some viewings I am attracted to E.T.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

What actor or actress do you crave watching the way you crave a great comfort food? For me, Sandra Bullock. I don’t need to know yours, I was just leading into talking about mine.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

5 years

I fantasize stabbing my phone violently with a knife. And then driving, sobbing and screaming, to the Apple store with it wrapped in a hoodie crying, “Help! My son, he is sick.”

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

12 years

After Pacman's death, Ms. Pacman wandered the empty halls, lost in a maze of grief, feeling as though she was surrounded only by ghosts.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

Every time I think of a reason I want to be in a relationship it turns out I actually want a personal assistant.

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

6 years

The cat sneezed into my open mouth as I was yawning. Will this be the phrase I repeat to doctors and specialists for the next 15 years?

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erin whitehead

@girlwithatail

4 years

@thefunnymuggle “I’m dead” is the correct review of this shade.

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