Urzila Carlson @UrzilaCarlson Twitter profile

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

This loser is going global! 'Overqualified Loser' premieres globally on @netflix JULY 14, 2020

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Last Seen Profiles

@HSI_HQ

@erreQeme

@mabquebz

@faktosin

@pemuasnene

@HID3_n_SEEK

@Mollusc_

@Alessandraville

@aishasyedcastro

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@Milex_CR

@mbalille

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@woowj_

@PavelReband

@DefiSportsCoin

@puuboxing_news

@RussellV_MSP

@DeFiance_App

@KEriksenV2

@Neozixxx_

Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

@IzzyFolau I took the money I was going to donate and bought you a dildo, let me know where I can send it so you can get f@&ked

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

William and Kate from wish

1News

@1NewsNZ

2 years

National’s new leaders sit down with @MutchJessica

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

@IzzyFolau Hey @IzzyFolau God appeared to me last night and he said that everyone can love who they want and we should let people live their lives, then before he left he turned to me and said tell Izzy to shut down his Twitter acc because he says stupid shit #TheLordWorksInMysteriousWays

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Happy Mother’s Day from my coffee group to yours! Eat the chocolate, relax and put your feet up because we all know you’ll have to go clean the kitchen in a minute! #mumlife #myheroes #mothersday @RealLucyLawless #IrenevanDyk @Hilary_Barry @jacindaardern

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

What’s the vibe from the anti-vaxxers? What kind of aromatic essential oil do we rub on this virus? Do we chase with a turmeric tea or just the oil?

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

As we’re approaching the end of 2019 it’s time to announce the president of my fan club for 2020....ladies and gentlemen please meet my number one fan Trish! #HatersGonnaHate #DykeToBoot #OwnYourHateBitch

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

@MagdaSzubanski I think the major difference is; your brain stem is attached.

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

Twitter has taught me that racist trolls, anti vaxxers, Trump supporters and people who vehemently hate female columnists with an opinion CANNOT differentiate between: YOUR and YOU’RE #FuckThosePeople

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

It’s official!

Mediaweek

@MediaweekAUS

4 years

10 secures international star to replace Lindsay Lohan on Masked Singer Read more: #AusMedia #AusTV #MaskedSingerAU #AusNews @UrzilaCarlson

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

Finally got my brows done #selfcare

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

I could honestly not be prouder to live in #NZ and to have @jacindaardern as our PM and repping NZ hardout, working, travelling and crushing it internationally with @NZClarke and #BabyNeve #ItCanBeDone #MultiTasking #BabiesLoveTravel

Bloomberg Originals

@bbgoriginals

6 years

"I'm a breastfeeding mother, so I need to keep her alive." New Zealand's PM Jacinda Ardern says it's entirely possible to be both a mother and a leader, as she brings her baby to the #UNGA . Also, "politicians love babies"

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

I know that @TennisAustralia will be scrambling to get a replacement player for Djokovic and I would just like to put my hand up and make myself available. I have 3 jabs onboard and I’ve played with the best tennis players in the world #DjokovicOut #CarlsonIn #tennisaustralia

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

@Proud_Aussie_ @newscomauHQ @KimKardashian @MagdaSzubanski I was once out rescuing puppies from a fire caused by a tornado that was caused by gayness and @Proud_Aussie_ came along and kicked a few puppies (if we’re making shit up then I want to participate)

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

9 years

Oh boy what a couple....they must be trying to outBitch each other...I reckon Lego hair wins #Natalia &Willy #XtraFactorNZ #Suits4Everyone

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

The thing I enjoy most about lesbian life is when I’m in a social situation and I get introduced to a woman and she immediately says: I’m married TO A MAN! Just so I know she’s 100% not keen on me fucking her...good to know love #lesbianlife #ImNotSlummingIt

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

9 years

I can judge #xfactornz I don't know anything about music & I don't cut my own fringe, but I'm NEVER annoyed at a bakery #PuttingMyHandUp

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

If there was ever photographic evidence of a woman who has bookmarked an argument for later in the car, it’s this pic.... #StrapInWills #FoxterrierEatingPeanutButter #HesGonnaGetIt

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

I’m sitting next to a man who just wiped snot on the back of his hand and then wiped it on his pants…no mask…so when people wonder why the government treats us like kids sometimes…THIS SNOT WIPER answered all of that!

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

This morning as I was standing dishevelled in my gown at the end of the driveway one of my neighbours wore a suit and played #TheLastPost and I can tell ya there wasn’t a dry eye in the hood #AnzacDay #lestweforget #StandAtDawn

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

We are doomed....first the freedom protests yesterday in Australia and now the little inbred fool next to me took his mask off to sneeze without covering up his stupid mouth #WeAreTooStupidToBeatAVirus

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

I love that there are bogans in America chanting #STOPTHECOUNT they obviously don’t realise that if they stopped now #BidenHarris2020 will win! So yeah maybe they should stop the count #DumbArses #Elections2020

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

Today is pregnancy and infant loss Remembrance Day and if you or someone you know have gone through this horrific event my heart goes out to you today. Today is our 3 yr anniversary of our loss 🌈

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

@ScottMorrisonMP Hi Slo Mo I’m not from Australia and I don’t get to vote but I do follow the politics as much as I can, I was just wondering, in order for me to process this and “file it” if you will, please explain what fresh hell you’re talking about?! Ta x

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Watching the election coverage is horrific, America is clearly in an abusive relationship with itself. There’s not enough booze to get me through today. #StopHittingYourself #GladImNotAmerican #Election2020

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

Jesus Christ @IzzyFolau it seems the Lord truly works in mysterious ways. Let it be so AMEN #FightOfYourLife

SBS News

@SBSNews

5 years

BREAKING: GoFundMe Australia has closed Israel Folau's campaign to raise money for his legal fight against Rugby Australia because it violates its terms of service

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Listening to Trump talk is like being stuck with the drunk guy at a party when you’re stone cold sober #WhatAreYouSaying #BinocularBoy #Election2020

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

I’m blown away how many feral Christians crawl around twitter and they 100% believe there’s no child abuse in the Catholic Church and that it only happened years ago...I’m blocking every single one of them now #Yuck

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

I back our government, one more week of #Level4 . The journalists asking the PM “was this the hardest part of Lockdown?” I’d say no...answering these dumbass questions daily has been the hardest!! #StayHomeNZ

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

I’m at the cinema with my mother and she just asked when the interval is... In 1976 ma! #OldSchool

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

1 year

This photo kind of says everything I ever want or need to know about this thing.

Paul Karp

@Paul_Karp

1 year

Posie Parker posing with Pauline Hanson, Malcolm Roberts and Ralph Babet. Hanson now speaking.

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

I’m thankful we have a strong leader that understands compassion, empathy and honour and that leads with heart and zero bullshit. I’m with @jacindaardern and everyone…

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

@DHughesy My legs feel great, no old mans injuries, I can do 3.875km in 2.15mins with my BT50 3lt truck (turbo diesel of course) in traffic whilst eating a pepper steak pie and drinking coffee #NoRunningNoPressure

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

Man: cuts in front of me at roundabout and nearly causes crash Me: honks at man Man: SLAMS on brakes and stops in middle of road Me: honks some more Man: swears and flips me the bird When you do something stupid, don’t double down and go full cocksucker on it. #DriveBetterDicks

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Here you go, the best thing on the internet today xx dance baby 💙

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

My 6yo daughter asked me if my 3yo son came out of my tummy because he’s a: ”cheeky little fatty like you mama” I’m currently reassessing her Christmas gift! #BothCheeky

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

@MasaiAlex @IzzyFolau I’d rather go straight to hell than share anything anywhere with the likes of you or old Izzy-mcBigot

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

Nobody puts baby on a diet #SuperSizeModel #DirtyDancing #ExploringAuckland #FatAndFit

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

My mom made a dolly for the entire panel! She hand sewed all the outfits! Including the undershirts and the boys suits @maskedsinger_au #MaskedSingerAU

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Went for my one hour exercise break and I realised nobody in Victoria knows what a meter and a half looks like and remember folks if your mask doesn’t cover your MOUTH and NOSE it’s as effective as crotchless panties #TheTwatStillHangsOut #CoverYourTwatAndYourGob #CoverYourHoles

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

9 months

Is there anything better in this life than a well salted chip? I doubt it

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Not to be left out, here’s my #formalfriday I’m up and my tits are covered #livingmybestlife

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Finally 2020 just got interesting #Karma #Trumpenzee

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

I'm so sad and angry about the death of Grace Millane, she came to NZ on her OE and was murdered...can all parents kindly teach your kids EVERYDAY to do no harm! Respect is taught at home, we are failing each other...Let's fix this, being safe should be a given! #RIPGraceMillane

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

@chrissyteigen Well if he was a better husband he’d have moved a fridge and microwave into every room in the house, don’t blame yourself HE SHOULD BE THINKING!

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

My fat arse and centre of gravity.

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

This is my audience in Melbourne, i didn’t think we’d get back to this but here we are! I’m so happy. #MICF #ItsPersonal

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

@JudithCollinsMP Well as a small business owner I tell you what, my kids appreciated that and I had to play it a few times for them...I thought it was the virus destroying stuff

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

1 year

I took a Ute load of damaged stuff to the tip today and so many others doing the same, I think it would be very helpful if it could be free or discounted for people cleaning up debris from the flood #AucklandFloods #WayneBrown #WayneWayneGoAway

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

This week after gigs Ive had my breasts groped twice and I don’t even count the ass smacking as offensive anymore it happens that often. I love my job but I’m scared most nights. Get me home safe: the stark reality for women who work in comedy

Get me home safe: the stark reality for women who work in comedy

Comedian Amanda Kennedy writes about the dangers of simply getting home – and what's being done to solve it.

thespinoff.co.nz

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

This year is just getting worse and worse! I’ve been home for 3 hours and I just realised I’m still wearing my bra #Fuck2020 #FreeTheGirls #TheyCantRelax

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Yo big mood! You know what else is a mask? Oxygen mask at the hispital when you get sick...you be sure to tell them you don’t want a mask! Keep it free bro! No mask for you!

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

Thank you @DanielAndrewsMP for not being silent 🏳️‍🌈 #LGBTQIA #ItsNotJustOpinionsItsHate

Dan Andrews

@DanielAndrewsMP

3 years

I don't want to give this person's disgraceful, bigoted views any oxygen. But when others insist on rewarding them with this country's highest honour – I think it's worth saying again: Grand Slam wins don't give you some right to spew hatred and create division. Nothing does.

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

FOUND HER!!! Thank you everyone

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the hairdressers and barbers in Victoria today and everyday for the next month or so #ItWontBePretty

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

My thoughts and prayers go out to every single one of you who have to cater to vegans this Christmas #OVeganNight #GlutenFreeVegan

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

My last 10 minutes of Gov Quarantine #Freedom #FuckThisForAJoke #BeautifulAuckland #ImWearingABra #MyTitsDontKnowWhatsGoingOn

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

Desmond Tutu didn’t just fight for freedom of the #RainbowNation he also fought for freedom and acceptance of #RainbowPeople . He once said he would rather go to hell than go to a homophobic heaven. He lived a great life and did great things #RIPDesmondTutu

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

Every time I hear a child cough I smile to myself and quietly wonder if their parents got them vaccinated. You know the old saying: if you don’t vaccinate, you’re a dumb shit who’s putting peoples lives at risk. #ScienceKnowsMoreThanBloggers #Vaccinate

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

What a game!!! Well done @ashbarty I just yelled so loud that everyone in my locked down neighbourhood is awake!! #Wimbledon #AshBarty

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

It’s amazing to see all the anger on this post FROM MEN!! It’s mind blowing that men would get this angry over a news programme...looks like we’ve touched a nerve. #MenShouldChangeTheirBehaviour #HateOnlineEscalatesQuickly

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

My mom made me this mask and I like the colour but I’m not 100% convinced it wasn’t a bra cup in a previous life #BoobFace

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

Remember to work out regularly during lockdown #lockumentary

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

I used to care

new paradigm

@newparadigm14

2 years

@UrzilaCarlson @netflix Used to be a big fan. Urzila you lost me with your snide remarks around vax vs unvax. You believe that a drug is going to keep you safe. Your scientists should have told you that being fit and healthy is more important. stick to comedy and leave the science

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

I’ve been dreading this day #RIPBettyWhite

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

The sound of the side door of the courier van sliding open is my favourite sound of all time

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

Now lets not forget that the #MuslimCommunity did not attack themselves today, a racist asshole did! So ⁦ @fraser_anning ⁩ you sir are not suckling on the fact teat, you are in fact sucking on the anal gland! #YouRacistTwat #StopTalking #WeAreOne #Christchurch #FuckOffFraser

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

I actually think Trump looks a little sexier in defeat.... it could just be his neck vagina that throws me #NeckGina

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

The billionaire space race is NOT a dick measuring contest ok that’s a phallicy #LooksLikeADickToMe

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

Threatening our head of state? Why does this fossil still have a microphone? Alan Jones needs to be taken off air he is an embarrassment! When you’re this triggered by women in power maybe he needs to be popped in a boat and pushed out to sea with a whole sock drawer down his gob

The New Daily

@TheNewDailyAu

5 years

Sydney shock jock Alan Jones has launched an abusive tirade on NZ Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, in which he urged Scott Morrison to ‘‘shove a sock down her throat’’ @samanthamaiden #auspol

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

My heart goes out to the families in Samoa, the anger & sadness of your child getting sick from a preventable disease must be overwhelming. They need help and I’d like to put my hand up and sponsor an antivaxxer for a trip to Samoa to go and help wherever they can #PackYourVitA

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

I have new publicity photos thanks to my stylist/daughter, coming to a poster near you

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

I’m absolutely gutted, I didn’t think this would happen to my family bit it did, sometimes bad things happen to good people #CherryRipeSucks #MySonIsElderly #LikeWhenYouSeeYourDogEatCatShit

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Exciting times! #OverqualifiedLoser July14

Netflix ANZ

@NetflixANZ

4 years

Here's some exciting breaking news for your Tuesday morning! The multi-award-winning (and our fave South African-New Zealander) @UrzilaCarlson is back with a new Netflix comedy standup special - #OverqualifiedLoser , where she's taking back the term ‘loser’ and making it okay!

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

You can see by the scoreboard that @MrSamPang spent all week looking for the perfect blouse and not paying any attention! See you in a couple of weeks Sam! @HYBPA #competitivecomedy

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

I’m so glad we managed to find a cat that can wake me up at 6am on weekends now that the kids let me sleep in a bit #Blessed #momlife

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

I don’t know @IsabelOakeshott the muscles on this mannequin makes me think those legs are designed for a headlock to squeeze the taste of those words right out of your mouth

Isabel Oakeshott

@IsabelOakeshott

2 years

This, in a Regent St fitness store, is what obesity looks like. Flabby curves highlighted in hideous lime green velour. The so-called “body positivity” movement is not “inclusive”, it’s dangerous.

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

@BishopTamaki Jesus showed himself to me this morning Brian and said I should let you know that; you’re gonna try and make it about yourself and you shouldn’t and that you should use less product in your hair. The lord works in mysterious ways.

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

Who’s the man 😆 BITCH I’m more man than you’ll ever be and more woman than you’ll ever have #SuckMyDick

Kingstreet🇹🇴

@lotty_uluave

5 years

@vnessfraggle @UrzilaCarlson @bauhausandmies @IzzyFolau 🤣🤣who is the man in the relationship?🤣🤣🤣 i dont even know who she is and never seen her before till her comment about folau..who is he?🤣🤣🤣🤣🖕

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

@piersmorgan Oh I bet she wasn’t then either, probably just keeping her enemies close, she would have known your a creepy old racist twat

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

@Ghetsuhm @JoelTobeck I hope he gets those removed! I don’t want to go to hell with that fuckhead

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

Nothing gets me from zero to bitch faster than when people don’t stand behind the yellow line at the baggage carousel #FuckThosePeople

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Oh Ashley go fuck yourself darls!

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

It’s day one of my isolation* and I’ve already shaved ALL of my body hair off and ate all the chocolate in the house. This is going to be tougher than I thought. I’m not isolating there is no reason for it I’m just staying in

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

This is what it looks like when you tell your South African parents you’re vegetarian.

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

@joelcreasey I’d rather a drag queen read to my kids than these septic pigs!

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

NZ is back in lockdown level 4 from tonight...Lockumentary will resume tomorrow #StayHome #FreedumbProtestersSuck

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Shout out to the new mum at school that’s asking everyone if I’m really South African or if I’m faking the accent #CommitmentToTheCause #SaffaToTheCore #ProudlySouthAfrican #AlsoSecretlyHetero

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers today, I have to find the end of this tape roll #FML #ShesABigJob

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

WAKANDA FOREVER!

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

I’ll just leave this here....we got a release date for my 30min comedy special on #Netflix , New Year’s Day, so you’ll have something to do whilst nursing your hangover. #comedy …

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

5 years

35 years too late

nzherald

@nzherald

5 years

#BREAKING Former Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe dies age 95

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

My wife and I share the cloud so we get to see each other’s pictures and she likes to waste her time by taking on anti vaxxers and people who eat weird and lay some #SCIENCE on them - it cracks me up so much! This is today’s installment of her argument #readfacts @TheComedyWife

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

3 years

Today when I tried to get my 4yo out of the pool he told me to; “go away fuckhead” IN THAT MOMENT 1. He knew he fucked up 2. I knew he spends too much time in Australia 3. I left him in there and did a #BeanDad on him (like 4 mins max) Order is restored. #WeDontEatBakedBeans

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

1 year

I stumbled into a student coffee shop, I hate them and they hate me but the lighting is good for selfies so fuck these young people

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

1 year

Me riding to my show at town hall like I’ve never made a bad decision on a bike in my life! Still two weeks to go of @micomfestival

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

6 years

Could I ask all of the gays to please stop being friends with bigots so we no longer give them that excuse “we have gay friends” how tragic is that! I feel sorry for them, they need better friends!

Hannah Tamaki

@hrhtamaki

6 years

We have gay family and friends. They know we love them, they aren’t Christian, and they never contact us complaining, they actually love us even though we live a differently to them.. and them us.. live your conviction

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

@MagdaSzubanski Darls let’s not fight because some wildly inbred Trumpanzee said something, how about lunch, let’s do lunch instead!

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

2 years

Thanks to everyone that came to my show and made this happen I love you all

Melbourne International Comedy Festival

@micomfestival

2 years

The People’s Choice Award for the most popular show of the Festival, as determined by the ticket buying public, goes to Urzila Carlson!

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Urzila Carlson

@UrzilaCarlson

4 years

Turns out the Australian government does not mess around! You were told to stay home and now they’ve released a bit of security to make sure you stay home and keep your kids safe! #Unbelievable

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