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@HeavenlyGrandpa

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i’m cassidy kulhanek i’m a comedian and my dad is very proud of me!

Chicago
https://t.co/8zqRsIJzqA
Joined August 2010
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
20 days
On today’s episode of HOW TO WRITE A JOKE it’s the season finale and I brought on the most absurd person I know to see what they have to say about writing, creative crop rotations, and being silly for the art of it all. Now available on Spotify, Amazon, and Apple Podcasts!
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
Joe Biden when we ask him for a stimulus
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
i cannot do a “pre pandemic vs post pandemic” tweet because, unlike the rest of you, i have used this time to become worse in every imaginable way
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
every part of a vagina sounds like it was named by wizards
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
after getting rejected from now over 200 jobs I applied to I can confidently say that getting a masters was the biggest mistake i have ever made
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
me, age 8: huh, the continents look like they’d fit together like a puzzle me (learning about Pangea): holy fucking shit
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
achilles would have gotten his shit absolutely rocked by a razor scooter
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
i am a renaissance woman (nude, laying down, chubby little tummy)
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
obsessed with these mommy and me lighters i got for me and my 3 year old 💕
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 months
just got destroyed by an 8 year old in monopoly who, at the end, said to me “everything you worked so hard for, i took away, and it made me feel good”
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
“why don’t people trust scientists and follow the rules?” i say as i shove a q-tip 2 inches into my ear canal
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
1 year
the rewards of the mortifying ordeal being loved of being known
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
reject modernity (two-factor authentication), embrace tradition (answering my riddles three)
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
10 months
me, not believing my eyes as 10 million fireflies light up the world as i fall asleep
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
i’m gonna be unstoppable once i figure out what my whole deal is
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
tbh i’d rather receive a dick pic any day than the unhinged shit men actually send me
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
when the beatles said “he got feet down below his knees” i thought, fuck yes. i have feet down there too
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
a sex toy but it strokes my hair and says it is proud of me
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
happy 4/20 everyone, or “1/5” as i like to call it
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
what do mentally healthy people think about all day
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
does plankton watch porn on his computer wife
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
we need term limits. this guys been mayer for 43 years
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
6 months
i just know owning this duck lamp would cure my depression
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
love the post-party ritual of wondering how many people hate me
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
i am going to eat the declaration of independence
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 months
yeah i’m into dune 2. dune 2 chicks at the same time
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
sometimes a girl has to stay up late and be insane on the internet
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 months
if i was NPR’s competitor i would put on a concert with the biggest fucking desk you’ve ever seen
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
a little drawing for today
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
8 months
a candle is just a pet fire
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
sex is great but have you ever gotten attention
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
5 months
kind of can’t believe he said this ??
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
men hate when i make sexual jokes. i hated when men started sexualizing me when i was 12
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 months
my dream is to have a job where i can go to work and do my job and get paid and nobody is mean to me and then i go home and never have to think about it
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
you’re in his dms, i’m in your head, in your head, zombie
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
finally ready to admit that i ghosted a man because he told me it was a no bones day
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
5 months
a relationship is all about sending each other instagram posts of local bars and restaurants and saying “let’s go here!” and never going there
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
COURTESY WARNING: we are ~8 weeks away from Spotify Wrapped so this is your last chance to binge listen to trendy things that won’t embarrass you
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
5 months
dream blunt rotation
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 months
i need them to remake the parent trap in lindsay lohan’s role
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
when my tweets keep flopping:
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
the fast car tracey chapman was talking about is lightning mcqueen
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
if y’all don’t stop giving jk rowling the spotlight she’s gonna write a sequel about a very cis witch named labia minora
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
i would like to thank everyone in the replies who is treating this tweet like COVID never happened. sorry i did not have the foresight to know that my field (museums + galleries) would get basically eliminated by a global pandemic!!
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
this was sarcasm, please don’t message anyone like this, it did not actually work
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
i treat venmo like an offshore bank account
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
5 months
she has no idea that the tall man who was just petting her was john mulaney
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
please stop replying to this asking if I sent him ass pics after I got this. obviously I sent the ass pics.
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
hey @ottawacity it sure seems like councilman @RickChiarelli is trying to take me on a vaguely sexual trip to Europe using state funds ???
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
straight women who get turned on when they look in the mirror are getting bi on their own supply
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 months
dune’s mom is never going to get a job looking like this :/
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
the body positivity movement started with her pot bellies monologue
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
10 months
just saw Oppenheimer, an incredibly striking film about how i want cillian murphy to plow my ass like a summer field
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
7 months
“yes chef” got so popular because it finally gave us a gender neutral alternative to “yas queen”
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
i am muting this. everyone who was nice to me, i love u and i hope you and your bloodline prosper. everyone who was mean to me? i’m embarrassed for u
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 months
@abbygov @SaeedDiCaprio (he has 3 apes)
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 months
this was a child i babysit occasionally. yes his family is wealthy. yes he always stomps my absolute ass at monopoly. yes it makes me irrationally angry and i yell in my car over it on the way home.
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
one of my favorite things to do is make flyers!
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
also i am so happy for you if you like your masters and got a good job ♥️ now u can be free to stop making my experience abt you
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
6 months
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
5 months
if jesus didn’t want me to have an IUD then he wouldn’t have died posing like one
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
thank u chicago diner :’)
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
it sucks that this tweet is doing well lmao
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 months
my boyfriend bought me (real! functional!) watercolor paint palette earrings and i’m over the moon 🥹🩷🎨
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
@AshweeCarter my horniness is quirky and ironic, like if zooey deschanel was a hormone
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
people who hate horror films but love true crime are the most chaotic people on earth
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
@MILFWEEED i, on the other hand, am built like baby Muriel
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
I am in the mood for someone to have a crush on me
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
i am your dream girl, but it’s the dream where all your teeth fall out
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
i love therapy because it reveals who the true villain of my life is: me
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
1 year
i guarantee you elon only knows what “vox populi” means because he played bioshock infinite
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
4 months
my dad just saw on the news that france is deploying 90,000 police officers in response to a terror threat and said “90,000 police officers IS a terror threat” and I’ve never been prouder
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
happy bi awareness! when I came out as bisexual at age 13 my dad told me that he also liked boys and girls and that he loved me regardless of who I liked. And when I asked him later if he was actually bisexual he said “no, I just didn’t want you to feel alone” 🥺💕
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 months
“why are you losing to an 8 year old in monopoly?” uh because I’m a fucking idiot??? think before you talk
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
some people are telling me not to do this. i cannot hear them as i have a q tip lodged in my skull
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
11 months
i want what they have (memory loss)
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
honestly it feels like my head is getting fingered when i do this
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
tag two people on twitter who should fuck
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
where’s waldo conditioned us to chase after mediocre white men
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
1 year
debuting my birthday cake tomorrow
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
Georgia O’Keeffe really went to the grave saying she never painted a vagina, girl just admit you’re bi and be done with it
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
the only ethical consumption under capitalism is eating pussy
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
4 months
the funniest thing about this bit is dave admitting that he was able and willing to set aside his discomfort and refer to someone by their chosen identity when it was a white man he already knew and respected
@BillboardChris
Billboard Chris 🇨🇦🇺🇸
@BillboardChris
4 months
Dave Chappelle’s new Netflix special is out, and he’s telling the truth about trans.
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
5 months
taking online autism assessment tests all by yourself, handsome?
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
watching a lot of bisexuals on here saying “we do NOT want to join your threesome” and let me just say — don’t listen to them, bisexuals are not a monolith, you know where to find me, etc
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
11 months
chicago getting toxic air from canadian wildfires weeks after new york does it… we really are the second city
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
people who don’t like this tweet:
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
I wish it was 1821 so I could go to the doctor to get jerked off and prescribed cocaine
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
update: gonna have to upgrade my baby to a mini blowtorch soon! she just ripped her first fat dab 🥹
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
have you ever walked into a guy’s apartment and just from the look of it you know you’re leaving with a UTI
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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3 years
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
me omw to destroy everyone who corrected me in the replies to this tweet
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
my new job is wild!! i get an actual lunch break and i am allowed to pee whenever i want
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
ISO a support group for ppl whose suffering went viral
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
I bet he wouldn’t have caught COVID if he had been Politey Giuliani
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
11 months
homophobic bakers getting asked to make rainbow wedding cakes
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
2 years
sexual tension is the best part of sex. sex is, objectively, the worst part
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
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@HeavenlyGrandpa
3 years
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