Tweets on this account are posted for me by my webfairy, Shell, so if you fancy shouting at me for something, just know that you will be a mean tree falling in a third-party-controlled forest.
Trump’s a lying imbecile, Brexit is a fucking dumb idea, nationalism is retrogressive, guns are for cowards, Jesus wasn’t magic, there is no God, knowledge is power, art is freedom, free will is an illusion, music is love, apes are awesome, cheese > chocolate. I can prove it all.
Fuck him. His legacy is toast. But you survivors? KNOW that you are goddamn heroes to most Aussies. You took on one of the biggest institutions of all time, & you won. The church will never again be a safehaven for abusers. Your courage has made our country safer for kids. 🙌❤️🤘
If someone writes an article you disagree with, here is an option that a lot of you seem to have forgotten: read it, then have some thoughts about it. Then have some thoughts about your thoughts. Critically assess your intuitive reaction. Then see if there's any elements of the
Has anyone seen a single example of a person who voted for
@realDonaldTrump
but is now appalled by his behavior, and finally realises he's a nutjob? I want just one single example that a human can learn, and admit they were wrong. Just one? For my poor, broken heart?
Dave Grohl and I both have a daughter called Violet born in 2006. And we both have beards and long hair and we're both musicians. And we're both founding members of two of the greatest rock bands of all t- ahh fuck so close.
To the charming people populating my twitter feed since my climate tweets made the news: I ask you to look through my tweet history and note how I speak online. I am never abusive and try to be thoughtful, and would appreciate the same in return. If not: fuck u 😊
SO ANGRY about this dumbass 5G + Covid conspiracy theory. You‘re perfectly within your rights to be scientifically illiterate & gullible as a ham. But STOP PASSING SHIT AROUND. YOU DON’T HAVE SPECIAL INSIGHT. YOU’RE NOT A MAVERICK. YOU‘RE JUST ARROGANT & DIDN’T LISTEN IN SCHOOL.
*Homeschooling kids during global pandemic*
Son: I don’t know why we have to do maths homework. It’s not useful in real life.
Me: Yeah. It doesn’t matter at all that half of Australia seems to have skipped maths the day they taught exponentiality.
Of all the stupid lying shit that stupid lying shit of a president does, calling some of the world’s most respected news outlets “fake news” is just so transparently ridiculous. What a grotty little sniveling prick he is. Sorry. I just have to say it out loud sometimes. Hello.
You’ve all seen this, yeah? If you haven’t, watch it. What is so incredible is that this simple argument is revolutionary these days. Just a good college debate team level of questioning & articulation seems radical. Devastating. (That said: hope! Right? This is the future. 🙏🏻)
Mr President. I will genuinely donate $US100K to a charity of your choice if you - all by yourself - read one of the books Obama wrote, then write a 1000 word book report which gets a C+ or better from a randomly selected high school English teacher.
Walking through St Pancras to catch the train to Canterbury, I noticed a piano. Then I noticed that there were copies of Ian McEwan's latest novel, "Lessons", sitting on the piano.
Then I noticed lan McEwan standing next to it.
Perhaps my favourite author on the planet.
And such…
I don’t have the ability to interpret the global historical climate data myself. So I can either believe the vast majority of scientists (including 100% of the scientists I know personally), or I can believe in a vast conspiracy of nefarious hippies. 🤷♂️
Do try to talk to people on the internet as you would talk in real life. I know we've all been saying it for years - ever since this place turned fkn feral - but it's worth saying again. Make it a personal rule. It's doable. And you'll feel better.
On a day where I have been absolutely pummeled online (because of dog-whistling headlines completely mischaracterizing a thing I said), this exchange made me feel so much better. (There were a couple of turnarounds actually. Gives one hope).
Every time I read a
@realDonaldTrump
tweet (I don’t follow him, but they do tend to pop up), I think, “this one MUST BE one of the parody accounts”. And then I check, and it isn’t, and that moment of shock that this imbecile is POTUS never seems to lessen.
Well I’d take it cos I’m a grown man with self-respect, a sense of humour & a bit of self-control. And a moral centre and a sense of perspective and a loathing of violence. And an understanding that being a contentious public figure comes with risks. And cos I'm not a fkn moron.
To state the obvious: Just like you can save a life by NOT going to a crowded beach, you can save a life by NOT passing around info about Covid-19 that you have no capacity to critically assess. Leave a bit of space for expert voices to be heard.
#stoppostingcrap
🛑💩
Fucksake. In a non-binding survey, 35% of UK voters expressed a desire to leave the EU. Got it? Put another way: 65% of UK voters DID NOT ask to leave the EU. If you assert that - come what may - democracy *requires* the govt go through w Brexit, you’re being dim or disingenuous.
We need a vaccine to inoculate people against anti-vaxxer bullshit. (In fact we have one; it’s called scientific literacy. But some people simply refuse to take the jab.)
Argh jesus fkn christ why do I read twitter in the mornings we are such hateful petty self-serving solipsistic virtue-signaling fury-spreading shitsacks what is the point of this tweet what is the point in trying fucksake good morning the sun is shining coffee time love you guys.
Sigh. Look, if someone on telly / twitter started saying, "Babies with blonde hair are demons & should be ritualistically disemboweled" & lots of people believed them, we'd all want them off telly / twitter. Lies with dangerous consequences aren't protected by free speech. 🤓
In 30 minutes I will be on stage in front of 1300 people. I am more ill than I’ve ever been 30 minutes before a show. Nasally, pulmonarily, laryngitically, gastrologically and colonicly compromised. Psychologically defiant. How exciting! Strap in, biatches.
One more thing, before I head to bed... thank you, thank you, thank you for all the lovely comments about Superstar. means a huge amount that so many of you watched it and enjoyed. Happy Easter you weirdos. xxx
Aussies! If you’re not really particularly religious, please tick
#NoReligion
when you fill out
#Census21
. Vid explains why I think it matters. Xxx
@Humanists_Aus
What an absolute piece of scum this man is. How some Americans - many of whom are kind, moral people - can respect him is a phenomenon we will study for years to come. Sorry, I know tweets like this are redundant. It’s just so so horrible.
I feel tired just thinking about what it must be like inside the head of a God-fearing, Trump-loving American. The constant, desperate cognitive gymnastics required to close the gap between what is true and what they need to be true... Must be so fkn exhausting.
Watching seemingly reasonably intelligent pro-gun Americans just twist themselves in knots to deny the correlation between gun prevalence and mass shootings is a morbid masterclass in motivated reasoning.
If I were egged during an interview, there is absolutely no way I would hit the person. Regardless of their age, gender, race or size, I wouldn’t even feel the urge, let alone follow through. Neither would my father, my brother, nor anyone I respect.
This has to stop. Violence and hate has no place in the wake of the Christchurch tragedy. A 17 year old protestor hit, kicked and jumped on, after egging
@fraser_anning
A little project for Australians: in the coming days, when the same old disingenuous conservative columnists come to defend Pell, let's NOT boost their signal. We'll all feel the same anger so you don't need to signal yours. Just ignore them. It's the only thing that hurts them.
I have drafted so many tweets about Australia’s proposed “people who believe in magic should be able to be more prejudiced than people who don’t” bill. And then Cathy drops this. Talk about a burn. Respect.
I think when
@ScottMorrisonMP
says he wants religious “freedom”, he actually means religious *privilege*. Aussies already have freedom of (and from!) religion. Our PM seeks legal change designed to protect people who use their supernatural beliefs as an excuse for prejudice.
I just want the fucker to live long enough to see all the bio-pics gleefully depicting him as the grotesque, imbecilic, petty tyrant that he was. I want him to choke to death on a Big Mac as a fake-tanned, fat-suited actor tweeting bile on a gilt shitter receives an Oscar nom.
*sighs wistfully remembering that time 45 minutes ago when I thought criticizing a racist imbecile for hitting a teenager in the face would be uncontentious*
Trump is - objectively - liar. He is everything I loathe: his gleeful anti-intelluctualism, greed, classlessness, bullying, narcissism, sexism, dishonesty... & on & on. He is the enemy of thoughtful scepticism and intellectual humility. I loathe him and disdain his apologists.
Honestly. This tough guy shit is so old, and we all know it’s just covering up the fact that you’re piss scared and insecure. Real men stop fights, they don’t start them. Real men don’t hit teenagers a foot smaller than them. Real men aren’t scared of brown people. Man up.
Here’s Pie calling out comedians for not publicly supporting
@CountDankulaTV
. Fair enough. I’m not really a comedian... but he’s right. If context is irrelevant, comedy & society are fucked. And yes, progressives are on the wrong side of free speech debates A LOT these days.
This is part of the statement of Witness J, the guy whose clear, consistent testimony put George in jail. I’ve never met J, but know people who have, and am told he is a remarkable man. He’d have to be.
Be careful and try staying in your house. Large parts of the Country are suffering from tremendous amounts of snow and near record setting cold. Amazing how big this system is. Wouldn’t be bad to have a little of that good old fashioned Global Warming right now!
To the bloke’s saying, “You can’t blame Anning for hitting that kid, it was automatic self-defense”: What if
#eggboy
was
#egggirl
? Cos applying your logic, presumably you also think it’d be fine to hit a teenage girl & have your mates choke hold her. Yeah?
Properly hilarious to hear commentators - who are more than happy to allow their kids to be taught that Jesus is a supernatural being - criticizing us for "brainwashing" our kids about the scientific fact of anthropogenic global warming.
#readmorebooks
#ClimateStrike
I spend a disturbing percentage of my life pondering this question. Genuinely. What sort of life have you lived if you think Trump is smart or kind or well-meaning or impressive? You have to have literally never met or seen a smart, kind, well-meaning, or impressive person.
Ahhh man I'm such a dickhead. I was getting on a roll with my script and what do I go and do? I post a fucking tweet that I knew would spread around and will inevitably devolve into abuse and I won't be able to stop reading it what the hell is wrong with me shut up minchin
My average intelligence 11-year-old would ask: then what came before *that* superior something? A more superior something? If theism is your answer to “what came before the Big Bang?”, then you need an infinite Russian doll of ever superior gods.
Atheists can never say what was there before the Big Bang.
They just say 'nothing' but they can't explain what 'nothing' actually is.
No human brain can, which is why I believe in something that has superior powers to the human brain.
I mean, I don't suppose I need to say this, but just in case: if you are an American human, do us all a wee favor and pop out and vote, will ya? Ta. xx
*note I adjusted my spelling for my audience. Pro.
Ooh! The first Matilda the Musical teaser! 👀
(Wait until the end for the Emma Thompson reveal. She is EXTRAORDINARY).
Roald Dahl’s Matilda the Musical, coming to
@NetflixFilm
and in theaters in the UK (and hopefully Australia… stay tuned) this December.🤘
Sadly, I have to tweet this every time I put shows on sale. NEVER buy tickets from Viagogo or other resale sites. They are cheating scumbags. Scalpers. Petty grifters. They buy tickets in bulk to deliberately increase scarcity, then sell them at hugely inflated prices. (cont)
Hey
@viagogo
, every night of my tour, I give the 50 highest-priced seats to charity. It’s going to add up to about £185,000.00 for
@samaritans
&
@barnardos
. Given that you - despite doing fuck-all - also profit from my tour, I wonder if you’d like to give an equivalent % away?
... piece that you might agree with. See if it might even - god forbid - adjust your view. Just a tiny bit. Give to the writer all the credit & generosity of interpretation you would give a friend. Apply to yourself all the criticism you'd intuitively direct at an enemy. Then...
The most successful people I’ve met (assuming by “success” you mean things like wealth, power, public acknowledgement):
1. Are not very happy.
2. Worry too much about success.
4. Want more success, but
5. Are no more happy when they get it.
6. Have good-looking, fuckwit kids.
The most successful people I've met:
1. Read constantly
2. Workout daily
3. Are innately curious
4. Have laser focus
5. Believe in themselves
6. Build incredible teams
7. Admit they know very little
8. Constantly work to improve
9. Demand excellence in everything they do
A simple phone poll would very likely reveal that the will of the British people has changed in the last two years as a result of increased understanding of Brexit’s dire implications. To refuse to acknowledge this fact you have to be either disingenuous or deluded.
We held a people’s vote, it was the referendum in 2016. It is now a matter of trust in politicians that we should deliver on the will of the British people.
That’s why I’m calling on Labour to rule out a second referendum and not take us back to square one.
If you read the Daily Telegraph, you are willfully contributing to your own ignorance.
PS All things considered, I want to give this guy a crack at PM.
... surprising that in a business as complex as an airline, & on a machine as complex as an A380, that there will be glitches. I’m always blown away by how brilliantly these statistically inevitable hiccups are dealt with, & I’m having an awesome day in Singapore. Love ya. x ✈️🦘
Shout out to everyone who read an article or a thread or had a thought about coronavirus and went to tweet it and then thought nah I reckon there’s enough chat about that already. My heroes. 🙌
#vironictweets
... "likes". Do I have a strategy whereby I might effect positive change? Is my interpretation unique enough to add to the debate? Am I just fueling ineffectual anger? Have I noted my biases? Have I applied humility? Then think, maybe I'll have a tea. Then go make a tea.
... wait a day. Perhaps read the article again. Then, before deciding to post about it on twitter, consider: am I signaling my virtue? Am I just polishing my brand? Am I going to be inadvertently boosting the signal of something I wish had less exposure? Am I just fishing for...
So lovely to see how many people are still discovering
#Upright
. If you've seen it, I wonder if you might take a mo to leave a one-tweet review in this thread? Even if you've already done so elsewhere... it'd be very helpful to us to have a bunch of reactions in one place. 🙏❤️
Our new Aussie PM - who was NOT elected by our very secular population - holds really rather whacky supernatural beliefs which demonstrably affect his policies. The gentle ribbing by Tonightly is the very least the ABC should be doing.
Everyone's sharing their favourite Clive James quotes. Perhaps my favourite, perhaps predictably, is his description of religion as "an advertising agency for a product that does not exist." (Also, ps, I got to meet him and I loved him and it is sad he is gone.)
“She sat across from him at the kitchen table at three o’clock in the morning, while he stared in silence or talked or wept, and she took when she could a piece of his sorrow and stored it for him in her own heart.” I think this is a very lovely sentence.
TFW you’re caught in traffic & have to bail out of the cab & run 2.5kms to the airport only to find your flight’s delayed so you go to the bar & order a beer & the young lady at the end of the bar is excited to meet you so you get chatting & she’s smart & awesome & a dominatrix.
Jessa and her girlfriend Becky were attending an event when Becky got down on one knee and proposed to Jessa. Jessa ran off — only to come back with a ring of her own, planning on proposing the same night! Congratulations!
I copped quite a lot of flack last week for suggesting ScoMo’s religiosity might affect his ability to think. It’s 2018 and it seems Australia’s new PM believes that prayer can alter the weather. Lord deliver us.