schadenfreude74 @schadenfreude74 Twitter profile

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

Spending all day proving we’re not robots is how the robots will distract us as they take over

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

She’s a 10 but thinks she has a birthday month

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

This could be us, but you have “no dm’s” in your bio

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Flat earthers must be absolutely terrified of cruise ships

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

Good morning to everyone except the person that invented youth club sports that start at 7am on weekends

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

what do people who keep saying “manifesting” want from us

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

Stop trying to make fetch happen ~ lazy dogs, probably

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

*responds “yes Chef” to everyone today when they talk to me

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

As a father, I just expected to be demanding my kids hold a flashlight more while I try to fix something

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Everyone’s first rodeo sounds like a real shit show

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

*checks self but unfortunately still wrecks self

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

Easiest way to deal with telemarketers is to try and have phone sex with them

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

87% of all my texts to you will start with the word “dude”

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Walked into a Walmart yesterday wearing socks that match and they made me District Manager

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

Instead of fucking around and finding out, I may screw around and deduce

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Welcome to your 40’s, you now do welcome to your 40’s tweets

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

Never trust a book by its cover. Except ones when there’s a shirtless, long haired guy on a horse.

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

$1,000 to anyone that can explain how caps for toothpaste and shampoo work to my children

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

I wish I knew how to quit you ~ me, to this bag of KitKats

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like - here’s a rake and get to work fellas

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

I just expected to be dodging more pianos and anvils falling from the sky as an adult

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Accidentally clicked on an instagram ad and now the company is flying airplanes with banners over my house

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

Just found $5 in the washing machine if anyone is looking for a sugar daddy

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Imagine meeting your soulmate and finding out she wants to wear matching t-shirts to Disney

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

I’ll judge you on the crispiness of your bacon and there’s nothing you can do about it

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

this old lady in the minivan next to me better look out - the drum solo in that Phil Collins song is about to hit

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

What’s it called when you’re gay, but only for Paul Rudd?

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

When I hear Billie Eilish, I want to offer her some oxygen and ask her to speak up a little

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

My OnlyFans is just me trying to remember passwords and then resetting those passwords just to forget those same passwords the next day

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

He died doing what he loved, trying to fit at least 5 “that’s what she said’s” into his day

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

8 months

every website -accept my cookies me -stop, I’m so stuffed

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

I wish all the guys with extra loud mufflers would save some ladies for the rest of us

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Imagine meeting your soulmate and finding out they decorate their car for the holidays with antlers

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Sorry I said you’re more difficult than finding a CVS employee near a register

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

For Halloween this year, I’m dressing up as the noise a dog makes when they’re throwing up at 3am

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Rather than bringing a gun to a knife fight, I’d probably just not show up to a fight involving knives

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

I am just the exact right amount of legit to quit

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Sorry I mistook your fake eyelashes for caterpillars

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

Just cleaned my teenagers’ bathroom and I’m pretty sure I’m now patient zero in a new global viral outbreak

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Sorry I said you were made up of 73% dry shampoo and 27% attitude

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

happy national threaten your kids with disownment if they change their minds again on their Halloween costume day

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

How many tweets from the same person can you rt before it’s considered stalking? I think it’s 7. Let’s go with 7.

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

Fuck around and find out, but just me eating too much Chinese food last night

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

Future IQ tests will be based solely on how often someone argues with people on the internet

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Everyone’s a badass until they get a little toilet water splashed on them

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Seduce her with tater tots, you imbeciles

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Sorry I unfollowed you because all the emojis and weird font in your bio was giving me a migraine

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

twitter girls be like here’s my labia and pay my electric bill and watch me pierce my asshole with a safety pin on twitch but NO DMS

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Attack the day like a pta mom with a multi thousand dollar school trip to Disney fundraising obligation

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

Hot older women in your area want to judge your Fall door wreaths

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

*seductively cooks onion rings

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

It’s Friday and somewhere Robert Smith finally cracked a smile

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

Please don’t call my phone, I don’t use it like that

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Imagine falling in love and finding out she’s a snob about listening to audiobooks and tells you “it doesn’t count”

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

My OnlyFans is just me complaining about my neighbor’s leaf blower

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

girls who proclaim they have entire birthday months need to be stopped

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

You don’t scare me, you’re not my mother-in-law showing up unannounced at the front door

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

less emphasis on pronouns, more attention to placing punctuation inside of quotation marks

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Imagine meeting your soulmate and finding out their mood is solely dependent on a daily horoscope

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

as soon as I find my orthotics, you suckers are in for it

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

*ends all work conference calls with “and if you don’t know, now you know”

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

Imagine meeting your soulmate and discovering she sticks her tongue out in selfies

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

My mother-in-law’s sighs could power a small, remote village

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

Candidly, I hope your email never finds me at all

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Don’t know about you but I’m really looking forward to the “boy, the gym is way more crowded” complaints this coming week

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Answered the door in a towel when the plumber showed up early and I guess I’m in a porn now

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

As a child of the 80’s, I thought I’d be dealing with more quicksand problems and didn’t consider 87% of my day would be filled with password issues

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Brokeback’s “I wish I knew how to quit you” but just me to this everything bagel

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

Everyone’s a badass until they have to nurse a Skittles hangover

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

The irony of this Costco bathroom being out of toilet paper is not lost on me

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

A teenager called me “brah” the other day and I don’t think I’ve recovered

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Sorry everyone for all the granny bra advertisements - my grandmother recently became a bra influencer and is apparently killing it

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

*makes plans just to feel the rush of cancelling them

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

If you’d like to discuss 671 various medical ailments interspersed with weather conditions, my mom is available this evening

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

I like to threaten my kids by suggesting I TikTok on their accounts when they misbehave

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

Somewhere at this very moment, Tom Cruise is sprinting through a crowd

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

If you see someone violently fall off a treadmill, don’t help them up - it may be part of their CrossFit program

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

Death, taxes, and Millennials naming their kids something very stupid

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

*handing out candy cigarettes to piss off the neighborhood PTA moms

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

I blocked an account today because they had “buttholes are biohazards” in their bio, so don’t tempt me

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

Get yourself an Italian girlfriend if want to be unsure until the very last second if you’re about to have sex or get stabbed

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

<2:52am> my brain - heyyy you up? me - dude, what my brain - think they ever used parachute pants as real parachutes? me -

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Decided to give CrossFit a try again, so I drank a few Four Loko’s and jumped off the roof holding dumbbells while doing crunches

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

2 months

The year is 2087 and everyone has 5 hyphens in their names and can identify as periodic table elements

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

Trying to reason with a 17 y/o girl at 6am is akin to FBI hostage negotiation drills

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

Sorry I made very loud train noises behind you as you walked down the street vaping

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

*heterosexual, but a tiny bit gay for Paul Rudd only

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

You can always spot the unhinged person in a crowd - they’re the one arguing about brand of mayonnaise

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Just said good morning to a 16y/o before she wanted to communicate today, so I’ll be your villain today if you need one

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Welcome to Twitter, someone is already writing sex poetry about you

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

Listen, twitter assigned me as your reply guy, it could be much much worse

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Good morning to everyone except people that use phones for talking

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

Schrodinger’s marriage is knowing you’re in trouble regardless of whether you say something or stay silent

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

forget pronouns, immediately name your adverbs or we’re getting nowhere

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

4 months

imagine falling in love and finding out she’s obsessed with the royal family

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

7 months

Welcome to passive aggressive club, take a seat anywhere or don’t

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

3 months

The year is 2036 and all presidential candidates are required to be over the age of 110, allowed to be dead, and are rolled around on hand trucks Weekend at Bernie’s style

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

6 months

still waiting for DMX to give it to me

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schadenfreude74

@schadenfreude74

5 months

It’s 2027 and you’ll be spending 87% of your day coming up with previously unused passwords and the other 13% avoiding your mom who just started a TikTok account

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