Dave King @DaveKingThing Twitter profile

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Dave King

7 years

i mean i fucking love pizza but if pizza violently killed 30,000 people a year i'd be like okay maybe none of us should have pizza

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Last Seen Profiles

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

great news for the guy wearing a camp auschwitz hoodie who tried to overthrow the government today: the president of the united states loves you!

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

LeBron James for Secretary of Education

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

Dinosaurs premiered 30 years ago today (1991) depicting events 60,001,994 years earlier (60,000,0003 BC). A similar show today would be set in 59,999,973 BC.

Chris DeRose | Hotels, Housing, History

@chrisderose

3 years

The Wonder Years premiered 33 years ago today (1988) depicting events 20 years earlier (1968). A similar show today would be set in 2001.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

worried that, psychologically as a nation, there might be a little too much riding on this mr. rogers documentary

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

every book now is called either like “hymn of ivory sky” or like “ok no lol”

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

Sarah Sanders can eat at my restaurant any time she wants! My restaurant is called Sarah Elizabeth Huckabee Sanders Is Morally Bankrupt Wings 'N' Things.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

ALL THE PRESIDENTS MEN 2 FADE IN. INT. TEEN VOGUE OFFICES -- NIGHT

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

my dad (71) tried to get a job with antifa but couldn’t pass the remote trigger of inner-ear blood capsule portion of the entrance exam :(

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

if pawnee had been in texas

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

5 years

if only there were some sort of guiding principle inscribed somewhere about huddled masses yearning to breathe free

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

I did not shit my pants! With that being said, the shit is being cleaned up and the pants will be fine!

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

6 years

The so-called leaks coming out of the White House are a massive over exaggeration put out by the Fake News Media in order to make us look as bad as possible. With that being said, leakers are traitors and cowards, and we will find out who they are!

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

imagine being 71 years old and bragging about where you went to college

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

@lisarob61254794 great point never thought about it that way i love guns now

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

i feel like most of my problems would be solved if somehow a million dollars would just fall into my lap, killing me instantly

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

how would you rank your quarantine days? here’s mine (worst to best): 16 25 10 2 28 19 32 12 5 33 3 14 4 6 31 15 23 21 11 24 20 26 7 30 1 29 17 13 27 22 9 18 8

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

@lisarob61254794 no, these hypothetical pizzas are not contaminated. the pizzas did kill people. 30,000 people. every year. trust me, i made this up.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

"We had 7 years to prepare for this. We spent 1 week on it. We came up short. We're figuring out whose fault it is but it's not ours."

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

i was bored so i injected some of martin short's dna into a squirrel

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

5 years

do you think when sublime hadn’t rehearsed in a while one of them would say “we should really practice ‘santeria’”

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

bowling green. atlanta. sweden. how many people have to not die before we do nothing?

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

guys he only has it because he got tested

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

i mean, also despite the law against shooting people

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

ok cool so my chances of survival are directly correlated with my governor’s ass-kissing ability very cool very normal

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

hello sharks i don’t have a business i’m just sort of going through some stuff

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

some of the hair on your body just keeps growing until it gets cut and some of the hair on your body knows when to stop growing. if that ain’t the craziest shit. (not high rn.)

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

“None of the other presidents were presidents. I’m the first president. I’m actually the first person, ever. I’m the only person.”

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

i "wrote" tonight's episode of #TheGoodPlace but, like, everyone on the show wrote it. took this picture during filming which is either very sweet ( @TedDanson offering @KristenBell a shoulder to rest on) or a little creepy (me, behind them, taking the picture). 🌵💜

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

ok ladies now let's get in formation

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

2 years

good news you no longer need to test for covid because you have covid everyone has covid

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

1 year

the hollywood sign should emit a white puff of smoke every time there’s a new egot winner

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

“I AM A Pro-Tooth DENTIST

GOP

@GOP

6 years

#ConfirmKavanaugh

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

i don’t understand the controversy. they ran the tests. they crunched the numbers. he was the sexiest. what choice do they have?

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

LET THE PUPPETS FUCK

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

can’t shake this premonition november 1 bob dylan dies november 3 biden loses november 7 sudeikis dressed as biden in a white suit singing “don’t think twice it’s alright”

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

every conversation in any place other than an emergency room should begin with the phrase "our government is keeping toddlers in cages" until this unholy horseshit ends

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

A Jordan vs. LeBron stat I always thought was underrated: NUMBER OF TIMES QUITTING THE NBA LeBron James: 0 Michael Jordan: 2

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

if this Trump thing is all one big prank by Clooney I'd be like okay man that one was solid

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

5 years

sorry to report that the time has come to retire the phrase “favorite human” and all its variants.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

the only thing i learned in my 30s is that if you’re packing for a trip of any kind you best throw some sweatpants in there

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

October has declared June National February Month.

Daniel Dale

@ddale8

7 years

President Donald Trump has proclaimed April National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

first rush, now ted. big day for conservatives leaving for warmer places.

David Shuster

@DavidShuster

3 years

Just confirmed @SenTedCruz and his family flew to Cancun tonight for a few days at a resort they've visited before. Cruz seems to believe there isn't much for him to do in Texas for the millions of fellow Texans who remain without electricity/water and are literally freezing.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

Julius Caesar right before he died: "Please...one day...name a non-vaginal form of birth after me." "He's d-" "Also a salad!" [dies]

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

get absolutely fucked

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

i have a prediction as to whether or not these audio tapes will have any effect on anything

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

Hi, Family Feud? Yes, hi, I have one thousand questions.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

we've elected an amalgam of the shitty kids from willy wonka to be president of the united states

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

five years since we lost harris and that truly sucks so i’m just gonna say you can have mcdonalds today if you want it

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

“bowl white rice pinto beans chicken pico sour cream cheese thank you!!” -the text i send the most often

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

is there a way we can do the everyone stay home for a year thing again but without people dying this time

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

ok wow best name possible for a british judge

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

IF YOU ARE IN LINE BY 8PM FOR A STARBUCKS BATHROOM THEY HAVE TO LET YOU SHIT

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

i am of the opinion that i should be allowed to use a police siren on my car when i’m driving home to see my dog

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

5 years

i don’t know exactly what you’d call my generation but it’s the one where everyone saw the mtv true life with the guy who desperately wanted calf implants

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

senator klobuchar, why did benioff and weiss direct the leslie jones standup special on netflix? what’s going on there?

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

i have an idea -give the teachers guns -give the students guns -give the guns guns -guns the guns guns -guns guns guns guns

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

so you’re admitting that your prayers are absolutely useless.

Marco Rubio

@marcorubio

6 years

Just spoke to Broward School Superintendent. Today is that terrible day you pray never comes.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

he was literally the leader of the army of a different country that fought our country

MSNBC

@MSNBC

6 years

Sanders on Robert E Lee: "All of our leaders have flaws, that doesn’t diminish their contributions to our country”

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

everyone keeps saying this is the strangest time to be alive but i dunno seems like it would’ve been pretty weird when everyone you knew was like “yes we have to throw this young woman onto the fire so that the sun comes up tomorrow”

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

hillary should fake a terrible coughing fit and then "cough up" her middle fingers at trump and just walk off stage

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

W O R K A H O L I C S B A C K T O N I G H T F I N A L S E A S O N T I G H T E S T O F B U T T H O L E S

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

“for here or to go?” like imma sit down at a subway 😩

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

fuck you one hundred thousand times i was there and it was boring as fuck and the set looked like tacky trash

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

8 years

I hate to say it, but the Republican Convention was far more interesting (with a much more beautiful set) than the Democratic Convention!

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

5 years

i can’t be the only one who thought the jeopardy-style podia with handwritten names undercut the seriousness of the debate. just a weird choice.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

5 years

"He died like a dog" should mean "he was slowly and humanely euthanized, surrounded by those who had come to love him the most, reassured that he was and always will be a good boy as he crossed from this world into the next."

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

How much are you guys making for protesting? I've banked like $34,000. Not complaining, but want to make sure I'm not getting ripped off.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

new jeopardy pitch: three guest hosts on each episode who are also competing against each other

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

gop will be calling it the biden flu by march 2021

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

does she know what sleeves are for

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

SHUT EVERYTHING DOWN IT’S NOT A TOUGH CALL

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

2 years

“Can I pay with a cartoon picture of an ape?” The cashier and I share a knowing laugh as I hand him a bacteria-laden portrait of a man who literally owned other men.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

Maybe I'm crazy but this feels like a very reasonable number of days away for Halloween.

Larry King

@kingsthings

8 years

Wow, only 28 days till Halloween… #ItsMy2Cents

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

3 years

you simply won’t find a more progressive swiss cheese

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

Our last two presidents have had significant issues with launching a new program on the internet. One was directed at mocking journalists. The other was designed to bring health care to millions of previously uninsured citizens.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

I threw a pizza crust into the trash from 3 feet away and was instantly rendered unconscious by a sack of money with a Mavericks logo on it.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

if only there had been some clues that this man likes to fire people

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

NFL players should say they are unable to stand during the anthem because of heel spurs.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

partial list of ivy league college students: @realDonaldTrump lyle menendez the unabomber the roadside strangler @IvankaTrump

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

hear me out: KD to GS wade to cavs dirk back to mavs mavs to cavs cavs to GS celts to GS everybody on GS new sport GS vs. NFL (in soccer)

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

Lot to hate about Code Talkers incident but don't sleep on the absolute cowardice of "they call her" -- as if he didn't coin the awful nickname himself.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

8 years

look, folks if this guy starts asking you questions about a car and you're not sure what kind of car it is it's gonna be a gd chevy ok?

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

9 years

Pawnee is a real place and Leslie Knope lives there and so does Harris and so do I and you can live there too if you want to.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

If you were a fan of Harris Wittels, or struggle with addiction, or know someone who does, or just want to read a courageous, hysterical, and honest-as-anything true story about a sister and her brother, please pre-order this book by @wittelstephanie .

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

Don't fully believe it but I'm getting there: LeBron James is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan because he is a way better human being.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

"SEE YOU IN HELL!" - donald trump after getting kicked out of hell, twice

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

6 years

Last night on "Real Time," Bill Maher read Donald Trump Jr.'s "deep thoughts" from his "latest book." One of jokes was: "Stormy Daniels would be a good name for a cocktail." About four people laughed and then Maher just pursed his lips until he got applause.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

“no you don’t understand the president is like REALLY crazy now” - a different investigative report that comes out every 3 weeks

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

ah yes this will make all the difference. this article where trump repeatedly disrespects the military will land very differently with voters than when trump made fun of mccain for getting captured and slandered a gold star family. pelosi clap dot gif

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

when u dropped ur phone charger outside the night before a snowstorm but you know exactly where it is and u r a fox

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

7 years

@Number1Vogel fine with that

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

Social distancing tip: six feet is the height of actor David Duchovny. So just picture an infinite number of Duchovnys radiating out from your body at all times. Don’t let anyone touch them!

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

5 years

what does it say about this website that the person who has benefitted from it the most is a 73 year old racist conman

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

4 years

when trump says “america,” he means trump. if you love him, you love america; if you hate him, you hate america. there is no actual “america” in his mind. there is only trump.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing

9 years

"Extraordinary" should mean very ordinary.

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Dave King

@DaveKingThing