Timothy McSweeney @mcsweeneys Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 month

Introducing Dave Eggers's The Forgetters. Spend 2024 awash in handsome minibooks!

3

2

15

Last Seen Profiles

@habitat_al

@SATTY094

@shingeki_yoiko

@angdetp

@WhatADdoing

@INJ_INU

@SAKUOLI

@PermPhathr97134

@leosalves_

@Blanchier27

@Vodacomcongo

@SunTzusWar

@CamESRC_DTP

@Faion_Hicks

@Mac_Trae

@Used_To_Be_GOP

@StJosephsafc53

@i_am_furia

@tokuiyoshimi

@clangfordvc

@fr12nl

@_TootToot_

@Shrouded_Sphere

@iminthisbihhhhh

@jane_doe222

@cobarnes27

@Leylande_

@MasamitsuTakeda

@Aqaqqaqa542833

@Sheehan886

@xxlmajor_

@therealbombkayy

@_Deadkat

@RehsGalleries

@Dabi_bill

@denver_gigi

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

Dave Eggers: “This is, let’s pray, the final list of Trump’s crimes. 949 assaults on the Constitution, the rule of law, democratic norms, and human decency. For the undecided voter in your life."

121

2K

4K

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

"We asked Trump what we could do about breast cancer. He paused, gazed at the ceiling for a second, and said, 'What about Old Spice?' Sure, it seemed like a bonkers suggestion, but with his history of being a scientific savant, we couldn’t dismiss it."

“A Solid Flu Vaccine”: A Scientist Looks Back On the Day Trump Came Up With a Cure For the Corona...

“You take a solid flu vaccine, you don’t think that would have an impact, or much of an impact, on corona?”— Donald Trump, 3/2/20 - - -It was the...

www.mcsweeneys.net

199

825

3K

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

Are you a gymnast? No, I'm a conservative pundit who has never so much as done a cartwheel in his life, let alone landed a Yurchenko double pike.

Are You Allowed to Criticize Simone Biles?: A Decision Tree

"Following superstar gymnast Simone Biles citing concerns of mental health after shockingly pulling out of the women’s team competition, a number o...

www.mcsweeneys.net

27

567

2K

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

"Like the flu, xenomorphs affect the GI tract and appear to be highly contagious. Only six of our employees, however, have suffered complications related to xenomorphs. The flu kills far more people every year."

The Corporation From Alien Shares Its Reopening Plan

To the Human Employees of Weyland-Yutani Corp, We like to think of our intergalactic megacorporation as a family business. And, as your grasping co...

www.mcsweeneys.net

12

981

2K

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"Oh, you’re afraid of fucking side effects? Fuck you. You know what has fucking side effects? Fucking aspirin, fucking Tylenol. You could be fucking allergic to pineapple, you fucking fuckwit. Everything has side effects. You’re being a big fucking baby."

79

511

1K

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"The best way to solve a problem happening right now is us waiting for you to vote later. Because if we did something now, some people might not vote for us. And if they don’t vote for us later, then we can’t do something later! You see the problem."

We Would Do Something, But Then We Wouldn’t Have the Power to Do Something, So We Can’t Do Something

We can agree that the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade was a shock to us all. Who could have predicted the recent events our suppor...

www.mcsweeneys.net

32

601

1K

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"Protestors are surrounding my house and keeping me up at night, which is when I like to spend some quiet time alone, away from my conscience. So I am writing this to ask a favor: please respect my right to privacy while I completely destroy yours."

Please Respect My Right to Privacy While I Completely Destroy Yours

“Activists supporting abortion rights demonstrated Monday night outside Justice Samuel Alito’s house to protest the possible reversal of the landma...

www.mcsweeneys.net

5

344

1K

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"The vaccine will not make you magnetic. Are you fucking kidding me? It just fucking won’t. That’s not even a fucking thing, and that lady who tried to pretend the vaccine made her magnetic looked like a real fucking fuckwad, so get fucking vaccinated."

34

291

1K

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"How did they come up with seat belts so quickly? We’ve only had over a hundred years of car safety innovation and research that have built to this moment in time when we have seat belts. Don’t you think that’s a little bit rushed?"

Why I’m Doing My Own Research Before Using a Seat Belt

Experts, the CDC, and the media keep telling us that seat belts dramatically reduce the risk of death and serious injury when using a car. But I’ve...

www.mcsweeneys.net

9

226

948

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

8 years

If Women Wrote Men the Way Men Write Women:

15

701

933

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"I haven’t changed since 1974, so why should my neighborhood?"

More Development Would Ruin Our Neighborhood’s Character and That Character is Systemic Racism

When I heard our town was considering legalizing (gulp) duplex apartments to allow more housing, I was devastated. I’m not against people having ho...

www.mcsweeneys.net

12

245

801

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"I’d love to see a female President. Just not Hillary Clinton. Or Elizabeth Warren. I am totally open to all other women leaders, but I have to admit that Kamala Harris and Amy Klobuchar are beginning to make me angry."

I Don’t Hate Women Candidates — I Just Hated Hillary and Coincidentally I’m Starting to Hate...

“How does Warren avoid a Clinton redux — written off as too unlikable before her campaign gets off the ground?” — Politico, 12/31/18 - - -I have no...

www.mcsweeneys.net

46

340

764

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

6 years

Letters From Dads Who Call It Babysitting When They’re Watching Their Own Kids Letters From People Who Take Up Two Parking Spaces at Trader Joes Letters From People Who Call When You Text Them

More Op-Ed Spreads the New York Times Will Be Publishing After “Letters From Trump Supporters”

Letters From Friends Who Drink Heavily But Want to Split The Check Equally Letters From Bus Drivers Who Make Eye Contact In Their Rearview As They ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

10

242

746

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

- Having a fucking bake sale - Building a fucking shed in your own backyard - Pumping fucking gas

Things More Heavily Regulated Than Buying a Gun in the United States

Having a fucking bake sale Building a fucking shed in your own backyard Pumping fucking gas Getting a fucking vasectomy Owning a fucking car Drivin...

www.mcsweeneys.net

20

313

737

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

"Democracy activists in Hong Kong, Belarus, and Hungary: we are listening, we support you, and we are your ally. Democracy activists in the US: please go to jail."

As a Republican Senator, I Stand With Democracy Activists in Hong Kong, Belarus, and Other Countr...

“Democracy isn’t the objective; liberty, peace, and prosperity are. We want the human condition to flourish. Rank democracy can thwart that.” — ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

37

616

704

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"We are completely committed to providing an accessible experience to protest the lack of accessibility. That is why we have employed one person to look at you with a worried grimace while you figure out how to reach our room."

Our Meeting on Accessibility Is Just Down Those Stairs

Thank you for coming to our meeting to protest the abhorrent lack of accessibility in our community. This is a pressing matter that must be addres...

www.mcsweeneys.net

5

282

696

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"Starting April 15, the White Hand of Saruman will only be given out to Uruk-hai who have a paid subscription to SaruBlue. You do not know pain, you do not know fear, and you will taste man-flesh, all for just $8 a month."

The White Hand of Saruman Will Be Given Only to Uruk-hai Who Subscribe to SaruBlue

“Twitter users will need a ‘verified account’ to get recommended on the platform’s For You page starting on April 15th, according to a Monday eveni...

www.mcsweeneys.net

4

260

688

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

@OrganizerMemes

If I Emailed My Parents Like Democrats Email Me

SUBJECT: I’m DESPERATE, Mom Mom, did you see this?!? FIRST: I got a $300 traffic ticket because I forgot about alternate side parking. THEN: I saw ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

8

150

674

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"The noble warrior Beowulf says we must now slay Grendel, which would stop the attacks, vindicate the dead, and restore the Great Hall’s honor. But have you considered, as an alternative, letting it slide? And have you seen how sharp Grendel’s claws are?"

Grendel Should Not Have Rampaged Through Our Capitol, But Slaying Him Will Only Further Divide Our...

“Any attempt to impeach President Trump would not only be unsuccessful in the Senate but would be a dangerous precedent for the future of the presi...

www.mcsweeneys.net

5

193

667

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

MYTH: “The President stood in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shot [somebody].” FACT: It was East 57th Street, the President was on the sidewalk, and there were multiple targets.

GOP Talking Points for President Trump’s Fifth Avenue Massacre

Press reports have given currency to flat-out falsehoods about the Executive Action. MYTH: The President “brandished” an assault rifle. FACT: Semi...

www.mcsweeneys.net

27

194

612

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

ELON MUSK: Hold my beer, dweebs. I spent $44 billion on Twitter and explicitly told everyone to vote Republican. Now I’m losing $4 million a day and can’t seem to win advertisers’ trust no matter how many Nazis I amplify. What am I going to do now?

The World’s Richest Men Discuss the 2022 Midterm Election Results with Steve Kornacki

Fueled by an expanding class of billionaires, political spending on the 2022 midterm elections will shatter records at the state and federal levels...

www.mcsweeneys.net

22

180

619

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"If the Free People are going to defeat Sauron, you need to let go of your elitist attitudes and choose someone who can appeal to the moderate orc vote. That’s why I support Saruman the White to lead the Council of the Wise."

We Need a Wizard Who Can Appeal to the Moderate Orc Voter

I may be just an ordinary orc, but I wasn’t at all surprised when the Dark Lord Sauron became the leader of Mordor. A lot of my smart, liberal frie...

www.mcsweeneys.net

18

251

582

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"All art is born of its time... People who come to the art later can handle the context, the different words, the different attitudes. People can handle it because we are complex creatures capable of complex thoughts. Censors think everyone is stupid."

Fuck You, You Fat-Headed Roald Dahl-Censoring Fuckers

“New editions of [Roald Dahl’s] children’s classics, including ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,’ have been altered to eliminate words deemed ina...

www.mcsweeneys.net

11

171

566

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

Hey look, @POTUS wrote a McSweeney’s piece today:

34

287

537

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

The Sound of Music is on TV tonight, so we are contractually obligated to share this all-timer from our archives. #SoundOfMusic

I Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility, Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepe...

www.mcsweeneys.net

10

174

526

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

"Too many plot lines, haphazard arrivals/exits of characters, not enough focus on logic and character motivation."

26

219

500

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"I found the request to be inappropriate on multiple levels. Even me, a sea monster, anti-hero of sorts, can appreciate the value of preserving the integrity of democratic elections."

I Am Godzilla, King of Monsters, and I Too Was Contacted By the Trump Administration to Investigate...

To Whom It May Concern: I am writing this to aid the House Judiciary Committee’s investigation into the actions carried out by the Trump Administra...

www.mcsweeneys.net

8

139

483

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

“We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” RIP, Joan Didion.

2

100

499

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

WE'RE DEVOTING OUR SITE TODAY TO A BRAND NEW COLUMN: "DEAR PRESIDENT BANNON"

7

239

463

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

After an 18-year hiatus, @jaketapper returns to our internet pages with a funny piece of satire...

8

185

481

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"Not only do our current serfs refuse to labor, but the serfs we ejected from our fiefdoms when we feared the plague would harm our profits now don’t want to come back and replace the workers we kept who then subsequently died of the plague."

Nobody Wants to Be a Serf Anymore

“Job openings are at record highs. Why aren’t Americans filling them?” — The Wall Street Journal, 7/9/21 - - -My good lords, I must bring to your ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

4

257

489

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

6 years

"We are part of a different kind of Resistance, one that still supports the foundations scrawled within the Tome of Infernal Torment, and not the whims of a Mad Anti-God who cares not for the literalist interpretations we hold so blasphemous."

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside Nyarlathotep’s Death Cult

Nyarlathotep is now facing one of the greatest threats in Its presidency so far. I should know, I clock in to kneel at Its feet upon the Altar of D...

www.mcsweeneys.net

4

207

459

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

High-profile conspiracy-mongering and acts of violence against Jews have made it tricky to hate any Jew at all. Thankfully, here's @joshgondelman with some helpful tips on how to hate a Jew like a Jew.

How to Hate a Jew Like a Jew

The rampant antisemitism in the news these days has taken a toll on the psyches of Jewish people like me around the country. But on top of that, th...

www.mcsweeneys.net

10

100

481

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"We believe that the truth lies in the middle. The exact mathematical middle. This holds true no matter how far right 'the right' actually is. You know all those things that John McCain said in 2008? Sorry, liberals: that’s left-wing now."

In Order to Keep Our Editorial Page Completely Balanced, We Are Hiring More Dipshits

Here at the New York Times, we believe that all sides of the story should be tolerated and explored, from white supremacists being actually kinda c...

www.mcsweeneys.net

13

153

469

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"We’re fathers of daughters, husbands of wives, and paramours of mistresses, but the truth is we just do not give a single solitary fuck about any of you, and we never have."

Honestly, We Just Hate Women

As yet another anti-abortion bill is signed into law in this great nation, it’s time that we, men, came clean to you, women, about what we’re reall...

www.mcsweeneys.net

2

160

459

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

A: I’m easy. I don’t care where we go. B: Same. Any restaurant you have in mind? A: No, I’ll go to literally any restaurant in this town. Any neighborhood that’s more convenient for you? B: No, every location in existence is convenient for me.

2

76

454

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

6 years

"I regret to inform you that the joy you felt from seeing the movie is wrong and problematic."

I Haven’t Seen the Movie, But I Have a Controversial Opinion About It Anyway

Hey, I heard you saw that movie! What did you think? My opinion may actually be a bit controversial because I am hearing a lot of people liked it, ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

7

173

441

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

6 years

"Trump’s presidency assumes we’ll fend for ourselves when we’re flooded, burned, earthquaked or tornadoed by life. Help isn’t coming after the crash. We’re on our own." - @pattonoswalt #OneSmallBlowAgainstTotalitarianism

One Small Blow Against Encroaching Totalitarianism: On Us

From now until at least the midterm elections in November, we’ll be featuring essays from powerful cultural voices alongside one simple thing, chos...

www.mcsweeneys.net

49

114

422

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"Why do we hire dipshits? It’s simple. After the 2016 election, we got yelled at a lot by right-wingers."

In Order to Keep Our Editorial Page Completely Balanced, We Are Hiring More Dipshits

Here at the New York Times, we believe that all sides of the story should be tolerated and explored, from white supremacists being actually kinda c...

www.mcsweeneys.net

5

174

413

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"I am radically testing the limits of what it fundamentally means to be outdoors by erecting walls, putting a roof on top of those walls, and then insisting that it is still outdoors."

I Am the Designer of This Restaurant’s Outdoor Seating Space, and This Is My Artist’s Statement

This restaurant commissioned me to create a structure that would allow its patrons to dine comfortably in cold and inclement weather while still ke...

www.mcsweeneys.net

10

131

422

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

"When they arrive on campus, all students will receive a welcome package containing a face mask branded with our university logo, a rabbit's foot, a horseshoe, an evil-eye charm, a Maneki-neko, a crucifix, and a bulb of garlic."

A Message from Your University’s Vice President for Magical Thinking

Our 10th most-read article of 2020. - - -Dear University Community, Since we first announced our plans to reopen this fall (a far too early decisi...

www.mcsweeneys.net

5

155

417

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

"I regret to inform you that New York no longer exists. Unfortunately, as soon as it was out of my sight on our family trip earlier this year, it disappeared forever. As someone who loves both tall things and shiny things, I am distraught."

New York Is Gone Forever (According to Me, a Baby With No Object Permanence)

I regret to inform you that New York no longer exists. Unfortunately, as soon as it was out of my sight on our family trip earlier this year, it di...

www.mcsweeneys.net

1

81

413

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"It’s important to recognize that women of color deserve to have their voices heard, and that those in power, such as myself, need to listen to them — so long as they don’t challenge the institutions that I am a part of and benefit from."

I Support Strong Women of Color Unless They Are Politically to My Left

For far too long, women of color have been silenced by the forces of white supremacy and patriarchy. Therefore, it’s important to recognize that wo...

www.mcsweeneys.net

5

118

378

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

Here it is, our most-read article of 2021. #McSweeneysTop21of21

7

88

395

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

"Here at Jurassic Park, we've never been ones to listen to the recommendations of scientists, or safety experts, or bioethicists, so why would we start now?"

6

229

373

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

The boy felt weird about it. It was exploitative. But he decided the tree just wanted some attention.

The #Giving Tree

There once was a #Giving Tree… and she loved a little boy very much. Every day the boy would visit and climb her branches and eat her fruit. An...

www.mcsweeneys.net

12

109

375

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

6 years

"We will go line-by-line through the budget until we slash all the programs that don’t benefit the American public. And then we will go page-by-page through the Crate & Barrel catalog until we find a coffee table that’s the same price as a speedboat."

We Must Reduce Government Spending On Everything Except Our Luxury Office Renovation

“Interior Department spending $139,000 to upgrade doors in Secretary Zinke’s office.” — Chicago Tribune “Ben Carson’s HUD Spent $31,000 on a Dining...

www.mcsweeneys.net

4

120

364

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

"Soon all the benefits you’ve come to rely on will go away, we will cut the social safety net we hastily assembled, and life will return to normal. As terrifying as things are now, we will persevere and return to the normal terror we’re used to."

As Bad As the COVID-19 Crisis Is Now, Life Will Eventually Go Back to Being Normal-Bad Again

In a matter of weeks, the coronavirus outbreak has fundamentally changed American life. Businesses and schools have closed indefinitely, and hundre...

www.mcsweeneys.net

6

121

352

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"It seems the Captain and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says."

I Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility, Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepe...

www.mcsweeneys.net

1

66

373

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

RELEASE THE GOURDS.

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

Originally published October 9, 2009. - - -I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a ho...

www.mcsweeneys.net

6

127

374

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"I SUPPORT FREEDOM OF SPEECH UNLESS YOU ANSWER NO TO BEING MY VALENTINE."

Candy Heart Messages After Elon Musk Buys Sweethearts for $44 Billion

I SUPPORT FREEDOM OF SPEECH UNLESS YOU ANSWER NO TO BEING MY VALENTINE I WOULD STEAL MEMES 4 U LET ME ACQUIRE YOUR LOVE AND THEN DECLARE MYSELF THE...

www.mcsweeneys.net

12

77

362

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

FRAN LEBOWITZ: I’m sorry, excuse me: Big? Is this a man you’re talking about? Is that supposed to be a name? CHARLOTTE: Yes, Big is Carrie’s husband. FRAN LEBOWITZ: No, that’s not a name, that’s an adjective.

Excerpts from the Sex and the City Revival in Which Samantha Is Replaced with Fran Lebowitz

“Sex and the City — the iconic TV show that finished its initial run in 2004 — is coming back to television.” — BuzzFeed, 1/10/21 - - -INT. CARRIE’...

www.mcsweeneys.net

4

53

364

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"Your prayers are not helping the victims or their families... You pray in order not to feel culpable in horrendous acts of violence. You pray in order to feel good. And for this, I say: fuck you."

God Has Heard Your Thoughts and Prayers and He Thinks They Are Fucking Bullshit

Hi. God here. I am contacting you in response to your prayers regarding the most recent and totally horrific mass shooting in a college/ high schoo...

www.mcsweeneys.net

3

165

353

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

8 years

“Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.” RIP, Prince.

0

328

336

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"Gandalf has gotten a lot of attention by making the One Ring the center of his campaign. We all can agree that the Ring is important, but shouldn't we also address the kitchen-table issues that moderate orcs — swing orcs — care about?"

We Need a Wizard Who Can Appeal to the Moderate Orc Voter

I may be just an ordinary orc, but I wasn’t at all surprised when the Dark Lord Sauron became the leader of Mordor. A lot of my smart, liberal frie...

www.mcsweeneys.net

7

157

340

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"Woke is a code word, a whistle of sorts, that alerts people who think like me that we’re on the same side without ever having to use a racial slur in public. Also, whenever I use the word woke, people click on my links, order my books and buy my merch."

Okay, I Think I Am Finally Ready to Define “Woke”

“During an interview on The Hill’s online program ‘Rising,’ conservative author Bethany Mandel was stumped when co-host Briahna Joy Gray pressed he...

www.mcsweeneys.net

7

113

354

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

"Even the best-behaved teen is likely to encounter a situation where he or she is tempted to collude with Russia."

How to Talk to Your Teen About Colluding With Russia

Even the best-behaved teen is likely to encounter a situation where he or she is tempted to collude with Russia. Unfortunately for parents, a teen’...

www.mcsweeneys.net

6

167

333

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"Whether it is a glance, a throwaway line ('You always go home with the hot women'), or the scenes where Maverick has sex with a woman, there are subtle instances of straightness that are impossible to deny."

Comparative Media Studies 201: “Heterosexual Undertones in Top Gun”

Since its release in 1986, Top Gun has been universally accepted as the homoerotic story of a pilot whose “inverted” flying style puts him at odds ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

12

79

346

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

8 years

Woke Classic Lit:

2

151

316

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

6 months

"Listen here, pal: this is a Megan Follows bar. You don’t come to the goddamn Avonlea Alehouse and start shit-talking Megan Fucking Follows unless you want someone to take you the fuck out."

Say “Megan Follows Is the Best Anne of Green Gables” or I’ll Beat the Living Shit Out of You

I didn’t want to cross the room to put you in MMA sleeper hold, but you didn’t give me a choice, did you? I just wanted to come to my favorite wate...

www.mcsweeneys.net

6

63

335

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

Is this a metaphor for something else? (Hint: IT IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING ELSE)

2

273

331

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"Hi there, thanks for reading this. I’m being censored. That’s why I’m writing a piece in a major publication that you are consuming easily and for free. Because I am being absolutely and completely muzzled."

I’m Being Censored, and You Can Read, Hear, and See Me Talk About It in the News, on the Radio, and...

“It’s time to stand up against the muzzling of America.” — Senator Josh Hawley in a tweet and, similarly, in an op-ed for the New York Post. - - -H...

www.mcsweeneys.net

1

106

327

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 months

“It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

Originally published October 9, 2009. - - -I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a ho...

www.mcsweeneys.net

1

79

327

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

Many of you have been following the recent strange saga of The Believer, but today we could not be more thrilled to share the full story and some very very exciting news:

The Believer, a Beloved Literary Magazine, Goes Home After a Risqué Detour (Published 2022)

The magazine, bought by a marketing company, briefly hosted clickbait content. Scandal ensued. After a flurry of negotiation, it is now back with its first publisher, McSweeney’s.

www.nytimes.com

6

46

331

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

“The Domestic Crusaders is exactly the sort of theatre we need today. The gulf that separates cultures must be bridged and Art is one of our best hopes.” —Emma Thompson

The Domestic Crusaders - Wajahat Ali

mcsweeneys.net

0

32

330

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

6 years

It's a day early, but we don't post stuff over the weekend, so... BLAMMO! Happy fall, fuckheads!

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

Originally published October 9, 2009. - - -I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a ho...

www.mcsweeneys.net

10

99

325

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

6 months

"A corrupt, deranged narcissist who has given voice and energy to right-wing terrorism? Or a genial lifetime public servant with a steady hand on the tiller of government? You see, it's not an easy choice, because the public servant is a little bit older."

Sure, Trump Is an Authoritarian Grifter, but at Least He’s Three Years Younger Than Biden

As I sit here in every midwestern diner eating my chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes while drinking a non-woke beer, I have to shoo away the N...

www.mcsweeneys.net

4

131

326

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

"'America' was originally a spinoff of the long-running 'England.'" #July4th @meganamram

America: A Review

How to begin this review? Few countries that debuted in the 1700s have been as controversial or long running (it’s into its 237th season now) as Am...

www.mcsweeneys.net

6

131

316

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"I had to make some tough lifestyle changes. For instance, I stopped buying coffee every day and started making it at home. This allowed me to pocket enough money to go ask my parents for a down payment."

How I Saved Enough to Buy a House with My Parents’ Money

A lot of people have been asking me how I put away enough money to buy a house. Well, it’s pretty simple: I saved up for a while, and when that was...

www.mcsweeneys.net

0

64

328

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

I’m Wes Anderson, and I’m Directing This FBI Investigation Into Russia and the Trump Campaign:

1

127

313

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

It is time. #FirstDayofFall

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

Originally published October 9, 2009. - - -I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a ho...

www.mcsweeneys.net

8

113

325

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

What the world needs is a 680-page, three pound heavy, humor anthology. Keep Scrolling Til You Feel Something: Twenty-One Years of Humor From McSweeney's Internet Tendency is now available for preorder.

4

57

317

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"The Electoral College is a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a nation founded by slaveholders."

FAQ: Our Nation’s Very Complicated Convoluted Racist Mental Gymnastics Slave-Owning Electoral...

What is the Electoral College? The “Electoral College System,” is the abstruse election method Americans use to indirectly select the President of ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

3

93

317

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"Clearly, we let a lot of things slide: bigotry, corruption, peddling in falsehoods—the list goes on. But if you spread a rumor that we’re all getting busy in bone-town? That’ll be the last damn straw."

You Can Lie About Election Fraud and Incite an Insurrection. But If You Accuse Us of Having Sex,...

“House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy on Wednesday admonished Republican Rep. Madison Cawthorn of North Carolina over claims he had watched members...

www.mcsweeneys.net

13

86

305

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 months

"Taylor should be singing about more sophisticated subjects, like [states’ rights/ Rush Limbaugh/ lowering taxes for the wealthy/ deregulation/ how corporations are people/ anti-union sentiment/ the male loneliness epidemic/ Rush Limbaugh’s legacy]."

A Template for Right-Wingers Upset with Taylor Swift

I can’t believe that Taylor Swift is [encouraging people to vote / dating someone who did a Bud Light commercial / dating a woke Illuminati vaccine...

www.mcsweeneys.net

31

66

312

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

Excerpts from Comey’s Statement or from Ishiguro’s ‘The Remains of the Day’?

Excerpts from James Comey’s Opening Statement to the Senate Intelligence Committee or from Kazuo...

1. “It turned out to be just the two of us, seated at a small oval table in the center of the Green Room. Two Navy stewards waited on us, only ente...

www.mcsweeneys.net

9

278

309

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

3 years

"New 'RHONY' cast member Ivanka Trump says that her first job is being the best single mom possible as her husband Jared is away on business in Bahrain, totally not dodging extradition on a variety of fraud and corrupt practices charges."

The Unbearable Persistence of Whiteness: Ivanka Trump’s Post-White House Adventures

After being released from the New York State penitentiary following a fourteen-month sentence for tax fraud, Ivanka Trump announces she’ll be joini...

www.mcsweeneys.net

9

50

294

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

The #SoundOfMusic is on TV tonight so we are contractually obligated to share this classic (one of our most-read pieces ever) from our archives. (CC: @MelindaTaub )

I Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility, Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepe...

www.mcsweeneys.net

5

112

306

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

OK, summer is officially over. Happy fall, fuckheads!

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

Originally published October 9, 2009. - - -I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a ho...

www.mcsweeneys.net

9

130

299

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

Hamilton: “A widow establishes an orphanage.”

Attorney General William Barr Summarizes Famous Broadway Musicals

“The Mueller Report exceeds 300 pages, raising questions about [Barr’s] four-page summary.” — New York Times, 3/28/19 - - -Sweeney Todd: “A barber ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

15

103

293

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

OUT TODAY: The End of Trust (McSweeney's 54). Our first-ever nonfiction issue features more than thirty writers and artists investigating surveillance, privacy and technology in the digital age—with special advisors @EFF .

7

134

277

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"The right to indoor plumbing: James Madison shat in a pot and so will you."

Other Rights the Supreme Court Will Get Rid of Because They Aren’t Deeply Rooted in History and...

“The inescapable conclusion is that a right to abortion is not deeply rooted in the nation’s history and traditions.” — Justice Samuel Alito. - - -...

www.mcsweeneys.net

2

96

285

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"If we replace Sir Racist Von Genocide, where do we draw the line? Will we raze our hallowed halls? Will we change our street names? Will we forbid the a cappella group from singing 'Let’s All Point and Laugh at the Nearest Marginalized Ethnic Group'?"

In Defense of Our College’s Mascot, Sir Racist Von Genocide

Dear Fellow Alumni, I write to you to address the recent controversy over our college’s long-standing mascot, Sir Racist Von Genocide. Clad in his ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

6

106

288

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

7 years

"Importing foreign fucking cheese."

Things More Heavily Regulated Than Buying a Gun in the United States

Having a fucking bake sale Building a fucking shed in your own backyard Pumping fucking gas Getting a fucking vasectomy Owning a fucking car Drivin...

www.mcsweeneys.net

9

218

278

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"That’s not to say we don’t want diversity, we want a cross-section from America. From white male teenagers who play 'Call Of Duty' all the way to white male teenagers who play 'Madden NFL.'"

Our Magazine Is Dedicated to Covering Race, Sexuality, and Gender Inequality By Profiling Anyone...

This month, our genius editorial team released a cover feature that gave voice to someone not yet heard: a straight, white male high schooler. We s...

www.mcsweeneys.net

7

76

276

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"You don’t own free speech. None of you do. I own free speech, and I get to decide what it is and when it is. Workers trying to unionize? Not free speech. A former president trying to overturn a legitimate election? Free speech."

I Like Free Speech So Much I’ve Decided to Buy It

“Elon Musk struck a deal on Monday to buy Twitter for roughly $44 billion… Mr. Musk has said he wants Twitter to fulfill its ‘societal imperative’ ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

2

108

286

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"A writing career is not a sprint. It is also not a marathon. A writing career is one of those wilderness survival challenges where they dump you in the woods without a map or a compass or food and whoever finds their way out wins."

How to Become a Professional Writer

Do you enjoy writing? Do you like the idea of taking the thing you love doing the most in the world and turning it into work? So that your access t...

www.mcsweeneys.net

4

61

287

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash."

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

Originally published October 9, 2009. - - -I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a ho...

www.mcsweeneys.net

6

64

283

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"The fact of the matter is this: it’s so important that new housing is affordable, because there’s no way in hell I’m accepting anything less than a 20 percent return on my own home."

Housing Should Be Affordable Except When I Sell My House for a Million Dollars

Our 15th most-read article of 2023. - - -Originally published April 13, 2023. - - -My heart breaks for would-be homeowners priced out of housing m...

www.mcsweeneys.net

2

77

282

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"Do the Democrats really believe that they can bribe voters into supporting them by keeping their campaign promises?"

The Biden Administration Is Rigging the Midterms by Giving Voters What They Want

President Biden has stooped to a new low: giving a blanket pardon to everyone with a federal marijuana possession charge just one month before the ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

10

71

276

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"'Stop making me wear a mask!' I shout, maskless."

“We Need to Get Back to Normal,” I Say, While I Continue to Live My Life Normally, As I Have...

“We need to get back to normal,” I say, while I continue to live my life normally, having barely changed my behavior and lifestyle—or faced any of ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

4

108

276

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"It’s obvious that the entire Mueller investigation is a total charade. This is the real story: Hillary Clinton may very well have personally deposited thousands of pythons throughout Florida with the express intent of murdering thousands of Americans."

Maybe This Random Story About Hillary Clinton Releasing Thousands of Pythons in Florida During the...

When today’s news broke, I was dumbfounded and horrified. Not because I didn’t expect it, but because the mainstream media has once again totally b...

www.mcsweeneys.net

7

49

264

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

5 years

"Fold a paper man and paste an image of Brett Kavanaugh’s face on it. Stand the paper man upright in the middle of an opened copy of The Handmaid’s Tale. Slam the book shut. Repeat with Clarence Thomas."

Witch Spells to Keep Ruth Bader Ginsburg Alive Forever

Pluck a hair from Mitch McConnell’s head. Flush it with your next period. Procure a pebble from the front of your local Planned Parenthood. Chuck i...

www.mcsweeneys.net

11

82

256

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"Hello, I’m a Republican politician, and I want to make one thing very clear: I don’t want government involved in decisions about abortion. Instead, I want government involved in decisions about abortion."

I Don’t Want Government Involved in Decisions About Abortion. Instead, I Want Government Involved...

“As a physician, I’ve been in the room when there’s some difficult conversations happening. I don’t want the federal government involved with [abor...

www.mcsweeneys.net

3

73

262

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

8 years

Twitter’s Brainstorming Notes for Potential New Features:

2

131

268

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

1 year

"I need someone to watch my kids while I use a bathroom with a lock on it. I need to hear an adult voice besides Daniel Tiger’s weird father between 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. on weekdays. I need someone to acknowledge what I do all day is important."

An Open Letter to the Woman Who Won’t Let Me Join the Moms Group Because I Am a Stay-at-Home Dad

Dear Administrator of the Moms Group in Our Upper-Middle-Class Town, I know I don’t fit all of your qualifications. Namely, the mom part. However, ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

26

18

273

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

2 years

"You want a two-month-old to wind up on a fucking ventilator instead of you, a fucking adult, getting a fucking sore arm for a day? What are you, a pitcher for the Yankees? A fucking concert pianist? An arm model? Get the fuck out of here!"

2

93

267

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

10 years

“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.” — Robin Williams

6

284

267

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

"The fact of the matter is, velociraptors are intelligent, shifty creatures that are not going to be contained any time soon, so we might as well just start getting used to them killing a few people every now and then."

Sure, the Velociraptors Are Still On the Loose, But That’s No Reason Not to Reopen Jurassic Park

“Trump is shrugging off warnings by scientists that the easing restrictions taking place across the country could cause tens of thousands of death...

www.mcsweeneys.net

5

166

263

Timothy McSweeney

@mcsweeneys

4 years

OSCAR WILDE: "There are only two tragedies in life one is not getting a dick pic, and the other is getting yours."

Famous Authors Reply to Your Unsolicited Dick Pic

JANE AUSTEN It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a smartphone may not be in want of your dick pic. However ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

7

54

241