My dad was on the U.S.S Maddox, the boat that was “attacked” that started the Vietnam war. He said no one could understand why they were in the Tonkin gulf until one officer at breakfast goes “they sent us here to get blown up so they can start a war they really want to start.”
I applied to UCSD for college where my dad was a professor and asked him to put in a word for me. He did, and I still got rejected and he goes “you’ve learned a valuable lesson. Never ask someone to put in a good word for you if everyone thinks that person is an asshole.”
EXACTLY. Right out of college I went to a job fair and ICE had a booth and when I asked the dude working it what exactly ICE did, he said “we fuck shit up, bro” so let’s not act like ICE was the brainchild of the fucking Founding Fathers.
People act like ICE is a pillar of American law enforcement, but it’s only been around since 2003.
Monster energy drink has existed longer than ICE.
Life without it is possible. We can and must eliminate its funding and dismantle its entire operation. We should also abolish ICE
Here’s what’ll happen after Trump’s dick pic comes out:
1. Charlie Kirk argues small dicks are actually the best kind of dicks
2. Fox News says Hillary’s never shown a picture of her vagina what is she hiding
3. NYT interviews man in a rural diner who loves Trump even MORE now
My 4 year old brought found a game in our pantry and goes “what is this?” and I go “Boggle. Want me to show you how to play?” and he goes “No, I want you to show me how to win” so I guess what I’m saying is anyone can write Aaron Sorkin dialogue.
In the East, it could be the COLDEST New Year’s Eve on record. Perhaps we could use a little bit of that good old Global Warming that our Country, but not other countries, was going to pay TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS to protect against. Bundle up!
At the gym, Van Halen’s “Right Now” comes on & after literally two notes in, before any normal human could ascertain what song it was, a mid 40s dude in a sleeveless shirt on the bench press says “fuck yeah, Halen” and starts aggressively doing reps. It was so pure and beautiful
Now That I, Jaws, Have A Combustible Air Tank In My Mouth And A Gun Pointed At Me, Will The Fishermen Put Partisanship Aside And Work Together? — MY COLUMN
I once saw a guy blasting ZZ Top in a Porsche convertible pull into the Warner Brothers lot and I turned to my writing partner and said “who the fuck is that idiot” and it was Sorkin.
Quinta is a WGA member! She has nothing to do with our pay. We are paid by the studios and I have seen her use her power as the star of the show to push for our writers to get the best deal possible. This labor action is about the studios eroding all writers pay.
Meanwhile the creator meets up with billionaires (Oprah) who literally have the power to drastically do something about that. Very very interesting indeed.
When I was a waiter a lady said “I’ll have the minestrone soup, but I’d like to sub out the potatoes in the soup for a side salad.” I think about her once a week.
I can say now as an adult, that as a teenager I came up with this idea but it was for if your parents walked in on you masturbating. I did not come up with this idea as a joke. I legitimately wanted to solve what I thought was the biggest threat I faced as a 14 year old.
I know I hate on the Patriots a lot but at the end of the day I really respect absolutely nothing about them and hope Tom Brady’s fucking thumb falls off mid sack and Jalen Ramsey eats it in front of some stupid shirtless fuck in the stands
A great joy for me is when my kids don’t eat most of their lunch, but I save it, and then an hour later when they say they’re hungry and want a snack I say “oh great you can finish your lunch” and they look horrified like a wrestler seeing The Undertaker come out of the tunnel.
It’s crazy that the only way to eat popcorn is to shove as much as you possibly fucking can into your mouth and have just like a ton of it fall all the over you like a real piece of shit but that’s really the only known way to eat it
Just a heads up, please know that even after the end of the strike, if you are a writer still experiencing financial problems because of it, you can still access the WGA strike fund.
This clip is so fucking funny. You can see Nunes start to get confused that Dobbs doesn’t understand the rules of the grift. It’s like watching a WWE wrestler realize the other wrestler thinks it’s real and is actually trying to kill him in the ring. 10/10 just absolutely love it
I love this shit. Nobody shame him I want to hear EVERY completely fucking stupid idea that comes from every worm brained tech billionaire. You only cum on Wednesdays after you’ve eaten turmeric? Fuck yeah
Just to be clear, this is not real. It is a photoshop I did because I was bored sitting in my kids room waiting for them to go to sleep. But please direct any anger you might have to
@nickwiger
One of many things I really loved about working on
#AbbottElementary
is none of the cast gave a shit about who had the most jokes, all they cared about was making the scene as funny & compelling as it could be. That’s so rare & I was so thankful for it. Anyway, go watch tonight!
There are many creepy things about Roger Stone but high up on the list, for me, is that he moves and speaks like he’s one of the animatronic animals in a Showbiz Pizza band.
My three year old just walked up to me, held my face, looked me in the eyes, pissed in his diaper without breaking eye contact, and then said “change me.” I’ve never been more fucking owned in my entire life
One of my favorite civil war facts is that Ulysses S Grant thought Jefferson Davis was such an extra special piece of shit that in an all time MJ style move he named his horse he rode during the civil war “Jeff Davis”
Whoever loses between New England and Jacksonville, the one thing for certain is that either way, there will be a lot of disappointed dudes with horrible tattoos that don’t understand why there isn’t a white history month
The Patriots always have some undersized white pass rusher who was undrafted and doesn’t do shit the entire year but gets one sack in the playoffs and the announcers verbally blow the entire organization and the player is always named like brad nunnigan or something
Look, you have to hand it to the Patriots. They are the very best professional sports organization owned by someone who pays for sex. They do things the right way, and that starts at the top, with an owner who understands exactly what it takes to win and how much to pay for sex.
I think on a 3-0 count a batter should kneel before the pitcher, and recite the words “to throw a strike, a pitch you must fling, on my honor, I shall not swing”
Fernando Tatis Jr. smacked a grand slam on a 3-0 count with a big lead, leading to criticism from both managers.
What do you think about this unwritten rule in baseball?
🎥
@MLB
#PadresTwitter
We made sure to ask Quinta and Tyler if they’d do this in the middle of filming an Abbott Elementary scene so they wouldn’t be able to focus on what they were saying yes to. That’s called producing folks
Quinta Brunson and Tyler James Williams will voice Hawkman & Hawkgirl in ‘HARLEY QUINN: A VERY PROBLEMATIC VALENTINE’S DAY SPECIAL’.
(Source: Deadline)
I’m remembering right now for some reason that when my brother was like 22 he wrote a movie script about bass fishing that had a 40 page section in the middle of the script that had no dialogue and was just two men quietly fishing.
Season 3 of Harley Quinn is out TODAY! Lots of writers and animators and actors worked very hard on this but really you should watch it because we’re the only half hour animated comedy that consistently reminds you Henry Kissinger is a war criminal!
Last Man on Earth is still one of the best comedy pilots I’ve ever watched. Pilots are hard, comedy pilots are even harder IMHO, and that one was as close to perfect as I’ve seen. That show did stuff I’d never seen before on network or cable. RIP
One of the less talked about parts of having kids is they’re always hungry so sometimes you’re like welp, I guess we’re having lunch at 10:40 today and then when you eat dinner you look up and it’s only 4 and you’re like fuck this is the longest day of my fucking life
@KevinMKruse
My dad said they fired toward the shores every night for eight days trying to spook the Vietnamese into firing back. He actually wrote a book about it!
In honor of SDSU in the tourney I’ll share an SDSU memory. I went to an “anything goes but clothes” party & there was a guy there w/only duct tape on his penis & when cops came he decided to be spokesman & his opener was “officers, I believe there’s been a misunderstanding”
One time I was very high with some friends and one of them said “what if the whole world caught you masturbating” and I was like “how would that even work dude” and seventeen years later I have my answer
UPDATE: Jeffrey Toobin was caught masturbating on a Zoom call, which was part of an election simulation.
Toobin told Motherboard: “I made an embarrassingly stupid mistake, believing I was off-camera.”
I will try not to bombard you with Harley Quinn reviews, but the AV Club once called a show I worked on “one of the worst things to ever be on TV.” So it is immensely satisfying that they called Harley Quinn “easily one of the best shows of the year.”
If I was an investigator in Mueller’s office I’d do stuff like look up from my computer and dramatically say “Sir, you need to see this” and then Mueller would race over and it’d be a gif of a bear ice skating or something and he’d be like god you’re such an asshole Halpern
These Clint Eastwood movies get more and more grizzled. Ten years from now he’s going to release a movie that’s just him sitting in a chair for two hours eating gravel, pausing only to grumble racial slurs from the 1930s
As a bald guy I can tell you that Chuck Todd is going bald in the very worst way. No pattern, no start to the recede. It’s like each individual hair made its own decision to stay or fall out without discussing its plan with the others. A true nightmare scenario.
Very, very excited to keep getting to do this show. Thank you to all the fans who watched, you made this happen. Except one of you, you know who you are you fuck
I love seeing people who used to tweet jokes about farting two years ago suddenly tweet shit like “If the payment to Cohen’s LLC is through an intermediary account that’s based in a Ukrainian township then it violates act 5.03 of the FEC’s Fernandez Act”
This is like Dominos releasing a statement saying “how did we get to a place where people just order pizzas that are then delivered to their house within thirty minutes or less?”
How'd we get to a place where it's normal that two parts of the country despise each other? That you can imagine the other side encouraging terror? Our thinking changed. We stopped debating politics & ideas & started attacking others for things we can't change, for who we are.
My favorite part about writing is coming up with an idea I love and then googling to see if anyone else has done it and finding out that not only have a ton of writers have done it but that people thought it was also a fucking stupid idea. Just a great feeling.
To the WGA members. I think this is a good deal. It will be tested over the next three years because that’s what always happens. It will be poked and prodded by the AMPTP and business affairs and whomever else is trying to make a little more money by spending less.
I have a kid in public school. The biggest challenge is class size. Have you ever tried to teach an 8 year old something and thought, “this would be easier to teach if there were WAY MORE eight year olds here.” Do not, under any circumstances let this man near our public schools.
Several teams were willing to put the games on hiatus, but the rest wanted to move toward eliminating fans from arenas to continue playing games, sources tell ESPN. One team wanted to keep status quo until a governmental/public mandate dictated change: The New York Knicks.
It's going to be a great year. 😌 Head back to school with your favorites when
#AbbottElementary
returns for Season 2 on Wednesday, Sept 21 at 9/8c! Watch on ABC and Stream on Hulu.
4 years ago
@quintabrunson
pitched this to me and
@PMSchumacker
and it was the most fully formed pitch I’d ever heard. I’m so thankful she let us help her make it. The writers, cast and crew were outstanding. I hope you’ll check it out tonight or on Hulu starting tomorrow!
I think the difference between my 30s and my 20s is that in my 20s I could stay up all night and get drunk and still function fine the next day and in my 30s someone at work asked me if I was super hungover and I said “no I just had kind of a lot of pork at like 9:30 last night.”
Best thing I read this week was this piece about a burger chain that was supposed to be the next McDonald’s, and instead fell apart. Fascinating look at how sometimes what makes something special is what makes it impossible to recreate.
As a TV writer I sympathize with the Knicks players because I also often times work with 12-15 other people on something that the public thinks is terrible
Although I do not condone fucking with someone’s food no matter how awful they are, as a former waiter for many years, I GUARANTEE dicks and balls have touched 30% of ol’ Tuck’s meals. I personally know a guy who bare ass farted in
@AnnCoulter
’s drink. He is not the exception.
If I’m watching an action movie that starts off with an overhead shot of a really busy outdoor market and then a chryon pops up in some military style writing that says some shit like “Rabat, Morocco” and then ANOTHER chryon pops up and is like “16:00 Hours” im fuckin IN
This is neither here nor there but it reminded me of how one time my brother said this to me before we went to bed one night and in the morning he made a bugle noise and then said “I announce this” and farted in my face to wake me up
Tough loss for the lakers. A lot of very disappointed entertainment lawyers and agents who were half paying attention to the game tonight while sending emails with the word “crush” in it. Truly a great fan base they deserve better
Every time I see a British actor I’ve never seen before in a show I Wikipedia them and it’s always like “they’re a 7 time winner of the Stanswick B. Drappington award and won a BAFTA for their work in “The Frumpiest Cavort of Leichington”
The Warriors look like the fifth season of your favorite show where all the actors are the same and the writers are the same but it’s just not as good because everyone is tired as fuck of working on it and starts thinking “even if we give 80 percent it’ll still be good”