lana schwartz @_lanabelle Twitter profile | Pikagi

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lana schwartz

@_lanabelle

6,572

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1,933

Following

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writer bitch/freelancer/ @newyorker , @theonion , @realpunknews + more/the book BUILD YOUR OWN ROMANTIC COMEDY/i think that my horse is regular sized (she/her)

the cynthia swann griffin crisis center for women

https://t.co/stdu6IbVT8

Joined June 2010

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

Pinned Tweet

@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

simply over the moon to be in the @NewYorker print(!!) edition for the very first time today. come for some pointed observations re: how we talk about our fine city, stay for the sheer number of mad men references i managed to stick in there

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New York City Has Changed in the Two Hours Since I Moved Here

The sun went behind a cloud, and the friends who helped carry boxes took off. Even the coffee shop closed. Maybe it’s time to pack it in with this town?

www.newyorker.com

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

literally congrats everybody

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lana schwartz

2 years

you ever see a hot person and you're just like.....ok wow congrats

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lana schwartz

3 years

found my post vaccination plans

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lana schwartz

2 years

andrew garfield....the leonardo dicaprio of joseph gordon-levitts

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lana schwartz

1 year

they would have eaten her alive

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

1 year

barbie is everything. he's just ken

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

emotionally i am here

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lana schwartz

3 years

crossover event of the century

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lana schwartz

2 years

feels like the lede got buried that nathan fielder was at the mets game with......emma stone

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lana schwartz

2 years

my 10 year old niece just said ‘my guess is if horseradish were alive, it would be non-binary’ and she is going to absolutely slay on twitter as soon as she’s old enough

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lana schwartz

3 years

this is just to say that more companies should do this

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lana schwartz

3 years

happy the teacher from dazed and confused day

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

6 years

i hope mindy kaling keeps her baby's paternity a secret for so long that eventually her daughter is forced to have a mamma mia

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lana schwartz

3 years

nick and amy at the end of gone girl

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lana schwartz

2 months

this, actually, is how you really embrace your riot grrrl influences

@cowboylikekin

kin ⸆⸉

2 months

free planb at @oliviarodrigo in st. louis tonight 💓 thank you @MOAbortionFund ✨

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lana schwartz

1 month

someone in greenpoint has decided to unstan :(

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

1 year

when someone asks me if i'm going anywhere for the holidays

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lana schwartz

3 years

first material evidence i personally have seen of ‘hot’ ‘vax’ ‘summer’

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

dogs on halloween

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lana schwartz

2 months

it's sooo funny to write a whole article about how hot and young and young and HOT you are and then the article is published and this is the lead image

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lana schwartz

3 months

happy valentine's day to them

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lana schwartz

3 years

it is once again time to pay tribute to the winter king

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lana schwartz

5 years

oh my god the makeup tutorial kayla watches at the beginning of eighth grade is an olivia jade makeup tutorial

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lana schwartz

4 years

THE KING OF STATEN ISLAND (2020)

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lana schwartz

4 years

mentally i am here

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lana schwartz

2 months

what, for you, is the piece of media that is most emblematic of 'the before times'? for me it is master of none

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lana schwartz

1 year

little is known about gooch

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lana schwartz

8 months

i know this isnt the point of this post at all but this is what i will show people when i want to explain why film looks so much better than digital

@rejectedjokes

Ben Schwartz

8 months

Doing a photo shoot for a New York magazine in the fall? Had to hit ‘em with the Harry.

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

hey how do you shut that part of your brain off during movies that’s like ‘he’s a scientologist’ ‘that guy beat his wife’ ‘she’s married to colin jost’

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

do you know how hard it is to be a jewish woman and not be in HAIM

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

i dated this guy in college and his two biggest passions then were drinking and being mean to me and now all these years later it appears his two biggest passions are hiking and replying to my instagram stories

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

11 months

men only want one thing and it’s to know how your weekend was

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

4 years

if u are mad about the VP pick legally you have to pick a leftist down ballot candidate and help them get elected i dont make the rules!!!

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

happy 'today is the day ben folds' high school girlfriend got her abortion' to all who celebrate

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lana schwartz

10 months

barbie (2023)

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

to be perfectly transparent i got this picture from an us weekly article but the article doesn't mention nathan fielder which begs the question......does us weekly know who nathan fielder is

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

1 year

i know steve on sex and the city is not supposed to be an intellectual but here he is reading an owner’s guide to aquariums

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

unfortunately i relate very strongly to the democratic party because i too have never acted in my own best interest

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

5 years

big big bojack horseman energy

@caitiedelaney

caitie delaney

5 years

John Stamos and his wife have an enormous D from the Disneyland sign just in their yard and I’m fuming that rich people are allowed to have this little taste

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lana schwartz

2 years

men in your 30s who are afraid of commitment....have you not experienced life in a series of vignettes following a 35th birthday party wherein your friends encourage you to abandon your bachelorhood and it all culminates in a musical number about how alone is not alive smh

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

have gotten so wrapped up in the don't worry darling drama i have fully forgotten what's going on in my own personal life

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

10 months

do you know how crazy it feels to have spent my entire life growing up in queens but because i want bike lanes and basic street safety in the neighborhood i live in now that means i'm a hipster transplant

@PaperboyPrince

Paperboy Prince for U.S. President

@PaperboyPrince

10 months

I told y’all - the gentrifiers run Brooklyn - skyrocketing rents, gun violence, mental health crisis, businesses closing at record rates … and bike lane protests are the focus. Cars vs Bikes in nyc is a working class vs hipster fight. Hipsters have more lobbyist $

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lana schwartz

5 months

saltburn both begs and answers the question ‘what if call me by your name had a wario’

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lana schwartz

2 years

kesha ending 'your love is my drug' by saying 'i like your beard'.....extremely 2010

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lana schwartz

4 years

my dad cried so much throughout little women but halfway through when bob odenkirk came onscreen he turned to me and said "he's from better call saul"

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lana schwartz

1 year

@AlisonAgosti it is a joke based on the posters! not anything more!

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lana schwartz

2 years

sorry i can’t hang out tn i have emotional motion sickness

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lana schwartz

2 years

went to goat yoga today but one of the goats had to be in a separate room because he was too horny….literally put in horny jail

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lana schwartz

3 years

we get it your parents are alive,,, congrats

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lana schwartz

11 months

diet coke tall boys….we have come so far

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lana schwartz

7 months

this is a defining moment and if, we, as a jewish people cannot stand up against the merciless slaughter of innocent people then i do not know who we are

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lana schwartz

2 years

the weather the ages of leonardo dicaprio’s gfs 🤝

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lana schwartz

2 months

the art is beautifully done but still one of the funniest possible ways to depict this woman who still has 'most of her eggs' or whatever

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

i am not a believer in violence but i want to see all of rory's boyfriends fight so bad

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lana schwartz

5 years

my dad and my grandmother both grew up in the same neighborhood as lloyd blankfein and interestingly enough neither of them are being picked on by bernie sanders

@lloydblankfein

Lloyd Blankfein

@lloydblankfein

5 years

Don't know why Sen. Sanders picks on a retiree like me. I think he’s always looked down on me because he grew up in a fancier neighborhood in Brooklyn.

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lana schwartz

1 year

@Ruth_Mensch the two genders!!

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lana schwartz

1 year

@Jayaratnahhh it would be deserved!!

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lana schwartz

4 years

did he need health insurance or something

@Variety

Variety

4 years

John Mulaney Joins Seth Meyers ‘Late Night’ as Staff Writer

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

i am so sorry that i text like this it is not my intention to send you six texts in a row

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 months

@cory_ep absolutely A Different Time

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

i will not reflect on this year and you can’t make me

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

runaway bride started a dialogue we're still having today

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

@aaronlockl new york city baby!!!

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

4 years

when a guy tells me he's only looking for something 'fun' i have to assume he means he is looking to fall deeply in love and forge a life-long partnership what is more fun than that

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

ran into an old friend who told me that his gf showed him an article she liked & he saw it was written by me so he immediately showed her a picture of me from 2011 dressed up as a dreidel for santacon

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

is it too late for everyone to unlearn this word or

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

last minute menorah shopping

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

4 years

wrote this for @REALpunknews about @AOC paving the way for women to turn 35

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AOC Becomes First Woman Encouraged to Turn 35

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez became the first woman in history to be encouraged to turn 35 in a watershed moment for women everywhere.

thehardtimes.net

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

6 years

timothee chalamet sitting with the call me by your name table instead of lady bird is like choosing your college friends over your high school crew

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lana schwartz

3 years

one of the best things about broadcast news is they let holly hunter be short

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

if you at any point identified as cuomosexual legally you have to donate $50 minimum to RAINN and do it in cuomo's name too ty

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

never have i ever posted a screenshot from hinge but…..of all the inappropriate gross straight up weird stuff i’ve seen on dating apps….this is the thing that haunts me the most

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

my dad has a groundbreaking idea for a podcast: what if i interviewed standup comedians

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

plane hit some turbulence and i literally thought to myself ‘what if i die watching morbius’

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

taking the train to berkshires....this is the kind of thing they write vampire weekend songs about

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

why does my niece’s american girl doll look like kyrsten sinema

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

6 months

jimmy carter every time he outlives one of his enemies

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lana schwartz

1 month

either that or seinfeld has decided to close a production office lmao

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lana schwartz

4 years

it's 1 am time to treat myself to a really good wikipedia page

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lana schwartz

2 years

the feminine urge for a year of rest and relaxation

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lana schwartz

4 years

the next few weeks - months even - are going to be incredibly hard, let's do what we can to make things easier on everyone by not speculating on how fictional characters might have voted

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

4 years

if you miss kissing, might i suggest watching mad men because the kissing is so loud you will no longer find it appealing

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

4 years

unfortunately i cannot watch the sopranos because if i tweet too many funny things about it too many boys will fall in love with me and certainly that is the last thing i want :(

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

figured out where elizabeth holmes got the inspiration for her voice

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

14 days

re: the idea of you........if there is a woman i trust to write a movie about what it's like to date a man everyone is obsessed with it is the woman who spent 18 years in a relationship with jon hamm

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

4 years

could have just gotten david schwimmer for this

@KimKardashian

Kim Kardashian

4 years

For my birthday, Kanye got me the most thoughtful gift of a lifetime. A special surprise from heaven. A hologram of my dad. ✨🤍 It is so lifelike! We watched it over and over, filled with emotion.

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lana schwartz

5 years

today is nora ephron's birthday which means you should watch one of her movies or read one of her essays & then tell your best friend you're in love with them and cook a complicated recipe (with lots of butter) & then write a thinly veiled tell-all about your ex (in that order)

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

3 years

the weather is getting nicer yes but today i saw a man in birkenstocks so at what cost

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

4 years

bernie just sent an email blast where he doesn't mention even ONCE that today is his birthday and yes that is virgo energy

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

i used to be like 'nostalgia is a disease/stop fetishizing your past' but coming up on two years of living in a pandemic im like ok fetishize all you want!!

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

5 years

7 rings (but for me!!) i see it i like it i vaguely think about getting it i decide it's too much money i look at it again later get distracted it's sold out then a few months later it's back in stock i put it in my cart feel guilty about it i ultimately do not get it

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

4 years

i don't like when people call things 'basic' because it's like hey how can we find another way to shame women for enjoying themselves

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

if sherlock holmes is so smart why'd he name his daughter 'enola'

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

5 years

dating me is almost entirely nodding your head while i describe episodes of law & order SVU

@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

8 years

dating me is almost entirely nodding your head through sketch pitches

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

5 years

imagine writing something as beautiful and moving as "hallelujah" only to have people eventually associate it mostly with a green ogre named shrek

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

i know they are going to be in a show together!!!!

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

spiraling because i ended a call without telling the other person to have a good weekend

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 months

sorry it's been like two days and i still can't wrap my head around the idea that people think a man who made a movie about the *horrors of the holocaust* said he 'refutes his jewishness'

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@_lanabelle

lana schwartz

2 years

really want just a therapist who will nod while i talk and every once in a chime in with like 'that's insane'

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