Alison Agosti @AlisonAgosti Twitter profile

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

2 years

I 100% get why it’s cringy for straight couples to say partner but can we have something else? I’m so old. So so old for boyfriend. Butler? Can I say this is my long term butler?

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

2 years

congrats to covid on its season three pickup

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

Wow a lot of definitely real people are very upset and getting divorced over this election

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

I love being in a restaurant when they change the lighting from “lunch” to “horny”

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

1 year

I use this same technique to pick up socks around the house

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

Everybody — truly every single person — needs to fucking relax about everything

New York Post

@nypost

3 years

Woke writer attacks the word 'virginity,' suggests 'sexual debut' instead

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

Loving these Dear Evan Hansen reviews

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

2 years

not to be a giant bitch but I'd still like to avoid getting covid

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

I have two requests if I die unexpectedly: 1. Sprinkle my remains on each member of *NSYNC, even Chris 2. Do not cremate me

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

To all dogs laying down, Will you please just stay laying down even if I get up? I swear I’m not doing anything important and I’ll be right back and you look so cozy. I love you and I just want you to be happy.

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

This is my foster son George. I’ve had him for one hour and I’ve never loved anyone more deeply. He is literally the size of a bean.

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

The New Yorker’s review of “untitled goose game” is the most New Yorkery thing I’ve ever read

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

Katherine Hahn only becomes hotter and more powerful with age. We finally have our Paul Rudd

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

If I know one thing about the Nirvana baby it’s that he wants money

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

2 years

Add a the. The Batman. It’s dumber

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

Watching The Office and every episode starts with Netflix casually asking if I want to skip the credits as though that song isn't the only thing keeping my anxiety from hurtling into the stratosphere

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

After your tenth birthday you’ll just never see a roly poly again

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

Me tryin to give a handjob in my 30s

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

I wonder if everything is going to feel like a bunch of fucking bullshit forever

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

when you realize your friends are toxic but you just have to get through this girls trip

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

8 months

When my dog went blind, I didn’t realize one of the toughest parts would be losing him inside the house. We keep finding him in weird places that he would never have gone before — under bookcases, squished between a door and the wall. Anyway here he is in a cabinet

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

Pumped for the all dog reboot of The Craft

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 months

In one of my episodes, Capt. Holt has to watch Sex in the City for some reason. Andre Braugher watched a bunch of eps and was confused as to why Carrie would want to be with Big. Discussing the toxic nuances of SATC with such a brilliant actor will forever be a cherished memory

Deadline Hollywood

@DEADLINE

6 months

Andre Braugher, the two-time Emmy-winning star of series including ‘Homicide: Life on the Street,’ ‘Men of a Certain Age’ and ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’ died on Monday after a brief illness. He was was 61

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

When I tell a dude I want to have kids in two years

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

1 year

The way LeBron ignores this little girl on national television

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

I guess the best way to explain my relationship with my mom is that when I was in high school she told me that if I swallowed cum and was murdered, “they’ll announce your stomach contents on the news and everyone will know.”

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

2 years

The point of this tweet is that I want to call my boyfriend slash partner MY BUTLER so please just come on

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

I guess I’m just at that age where my fucking friends are gonna take pottery classes and be like, this is who I am now. I am fulfilled! And then they make a god damn Etsy account and you have to buy their stupid bowls so they won’t hate you and then you resent the bowls

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

My dog makes me laugh harder than any person ever has and for this gift I feed him hard brown pellets twice a day and lock him in a little jail when I leave the house

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

do you guys ever like just watch the office

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

Snoopy is just absolutely not a beagle

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

My dude is an interesting combination of racist AND a Cathy cartoon

Matt Gaetz

@mattgaetz

4 years

If Eskimo pies are cancelled does that mean all the calories they gave me are gone too?

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

Rotisserie chicken is grocery store Snow White

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

9 months

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

I’ve also heard great things about the regular ass vaccine

The Hill

@thehill

3 years

Brazilian viper venom shows promise as drug to combat Covid

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

Jeff Bridges is what happens when your uncle gets into weed instead of Fox News

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

At a jr high dance my crush told me that he liked another girl so I went home and posted about it in an Eve 6 forum and everyone was really supportive

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

2 years

hell yeah

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

7 years

People who live in glass houses should smash they titties against the walls

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

Even then— it’s pretty unlikely

The Hill

@thehill

3 years

Fauci says Americans can enjoy holidays with family if fully vaccinated

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

7 years

Deleted Instagram off my phone two hours ago and I've already completed my masters

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

Trumps list of potential Supreme Court Justices

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

“Hugh Grant” should be a movie genre, doesn’t have to even have Hugh Grant in it but that vibe

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

2 years

oh no I got retweeted by ben shapiro and my pussy dried up and fell off :(

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

George for context

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

phoebe bridgers absolutely would’ve been on the garden state album how does that make you feel

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

This is dating in LA

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

I knew Ellen was evil when she wouldn’t let Portia have more horses

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

@seanoconnz In Biden’s America :(

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

10 months

this headline is actually a third-year hogwarts spell

NBACentral

@TheDunkCentral

10 months

Kristaps Porzingis confirms he has plantar fasciitis

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

8 years

The fact that Hillary isn't screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!" every three seconds shows superhuman poise and composure.

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

Alright who stole Obama

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

@DonaldJTrumpJr You kill endangered animals and cheated on your wife. That's just top of my head.

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

11 years

Remember on Pimp My Ride when Xzibit put a chandelier in some 19 year-old's car and then the housing market crashed?

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

After every appointment with my dermatologist he gives me a REALLY firm handshake like we just closed a huge business deal for adult acne

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

JEFF BEZOS ONLY FOLLOWS HIS EX WIFE AND SHE DOES NOT FOLLOW HIM BACK WHERES THAT STORY

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

as long as lola bunny is still the lowest paid player on the team i can probably still cum

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

When I was 12 I told a summer camp counselor that I liked Dave Matthews’ Band and he told me that I was a mindless sheep in a capitalist holding pen

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

I'd respect a wedding post that said, "marrying my third best friend!!"

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

How is that even possible

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT fat thor SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

9 years

Bullshit that you have to buy a second ticket to 50 Shades of Grey for your big ol' bag of dildos

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

What day is it? Midnight?

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

Bodysuits: get your pussy in your shirt

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

7 years

Just sang along to a Counting Crows song with an earnestness that would make Anne Hathaway uncomfortable

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

NOTHING THIRSTIER THAN A THOUGHTFUL GIFT

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

7 years

Guys I was at the gynecologist TODAY and unfortunately I was diagnosed with soft boiled clit

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

doesn't matter when you start washing that comforter it is not gonna be dry by bedtime, baby!

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

fat belly many spots

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

I always forget that Christian Bale is a fucking chimney sweep

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

WILL - Anything for love WONT - That

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

8 years

MADDOW: we are joined by Russian journalist Masha Gessen. Masha, is it true that we are the same person in alternate storylines?

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

I have given birth to three children and have watched them grow into fine adults and have children of their own in the time I’ve been sitting here waiting for this body lotion to dry so I can put on my jeans

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

2 years

trying to act normal at restaurants after eating chicken over the sink for two years

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

Maybe I'm a monster, but if we stop animal testing, will they even DO the reading?

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

8 years

If Trump loses, Kellyanne Conway has promised to return to her only job: being a pile of spiders

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

4 years

I HOPE COVID DOESN'T AFFECT DON JR'S HOTNESS OR COOLNESS

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

7 years

If I could go back & talk to me as a child I'd tell myself to really take it all in, because you're gonna have to reference the 90s forever

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

9 years

I hope Serial ends with a wedding!

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

Is it normal for your right breast to be larger than your other two?

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

5 minutes into the interview when Meghan says "I never googled my husband," she became an unreliable narrator

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

14 years

Sometimes I'll just eat something because I'm tired of holding it.

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

television and movies have given us unrealistic expectations of how much you can talk to your friend in a yoga class

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

7 years

Look man we've all been dumped via text and here's mine

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

Explaining to my dog that I love him less after a haircut

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

Blue Apron: eat your mail!

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

11 years

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

5 years

If you’re trying to spice things up in the bedroom I recommend paprika

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

3 years

My favorite covid activity is to secretly get very high and see how long it takes my boyfriend to figure it out

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

2 years

It’s about to get so hot! Please consider freezing bottled water to give to your unhoused neighbors. Everything deeply sucks but you (yes YOU!) can personally make things a little better

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti

6 years

yeah it’s chill when you write in all lower case but bitch I know you had to turn off caps on that first word

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Alison Agosti

@AlisonAgosti