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Work Retire Die Profile
Work Retire Die

@WorkRetireDie

13,018
Followers
672
Following
934
Media
3,614
Statuses

I’m here for a long time, not a good time.

Manhattan, NY
https://t.co/i7onD0z5zc
Joined September 2017
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
2 years
Cheers
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3 years
Ohhhh sorry I thought EOD meant End of December my bad. Sending now
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2 years
Me clicking through every slide of the mandatory HR training module without observing a single piece of information
@xooset
andrew H
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2 years
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@WorkRetireDie
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2 months
Reminder: no matter what you do at your job today, there's probably like 9 people in the entire world that give a shit about it, they're all on one email thread and 3 of them are looking for a new job anyways. It's probably gonna be fine either way
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@WorkRetireDie
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2 years
Monday Motivation: no matter what you do at your job today, there's probably like 9 people in the entire world that give a shit about it, they're all on one email thread and 3 of them are looking for a new job anyways. It's probably gonna be fine either way
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
6 months
not even kidding, the best thing that could happen to tommy devito right now is a career ending injury. go out on top while people still like you and you can open a car dealership in Bergen County. hang a picture with you and saquon in the lobby and you'll be set for life but the
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New York Post
@nypost
6 months
Tommy DeVito’s agent embroiled in pizzeria feud after allegedly raising QB’s appearance fee
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@WorkRetireDie
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@WorkRetireDie
3 months
These fucking teenagers can’t make free throws and now I can’t make rent
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@WorkRetireDie
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@WorkRetireDie
6 months
Why would I want a holiday bonus when I can get a thermos with my company's logo on it. You can't drink out of money 🙏🏻
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@WorkRetireDie
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@WorkRetireDie
1 year
No offense to my coworkers but I do not want to get lunch together. I want to listen to a podcast while I enjoy a burrito bowl and scroll my phone alone. Unless of course you want to talk shit about everyone at the office, in which case i am very much down to pop out for a bite
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@WorkRetireDie
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@WorkRetireDie
6 months
when the coworker i thought was kinda boring gets bombed with me at the holiday party
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@WorkRetireDie
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@WorkRetireDie
5 months
@ChloeNumberIII I just beat off loudly
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@WorkRetireDie
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@WorkRetireDie
3 months
Greatttt my boss walked by my desk when I had March Madness up on my laptop and now I have a meeting with HR 🤦‍♂️I should be fine right?
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11 months
On the way to demolish the leftover free sandwiches from a meeting I was not remotely involved in
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1 year
How IT wants you to respond to a test phishing email
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@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Sorry I was too busy filling out your project tracker to do any actual work on the project
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
6 months
Make sure I have appropriate coverage for all relevant projects and then set up a well crafted out of office automatic reply for client communications 👍🏻
@beyoncegarden
𝗱𝗮𝗻𝗻𝘆🫧💚
@beyoncegarden
6 months
what would you do in this situation?
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1 year
24 yr old roommates walking back to the apartment after a nice dinner with someone's parents that were in town, ready to get absolutely shithammered after pretending to be a normal adult for 2 hrs in exchange for a free steak
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@WorkRetireDie
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5 months
No I actually think the human body WAS designed to wake up, scroll social media for 45 minutes, pour 4 cups of bean juice into an empty stomach, have leftover takeout food for lunch at 1pm and stand up 3 times total before sundown, exclusively to use the bathroom. It's evolution
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@WorkRetireDie
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8 months
5 Benefits of a 4 Day Work Week 1. One Less Day of Work 2. Only 4 days of work 3. The amount of days you need to work is less 4. As opposed to 5 days of work, it's 4 5. You don't have to work that fifth day
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
2 years
My best tip for a micromanager boss is to treat them the way they treat you. Just bombard them with information. Constant updates to what you're doing. Loop them in to every single email you send. Add them to every call. Be like the FBI overwhelming a small time lawyer in a movie
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
2 months
There is no God, there is only Q2 revenue targets
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
2 years
Tis the season
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3 months
Fuck yea, it's leap day. An extra 24 hours to add shareholder value. God I wish it didn't just happen every 4 years
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
1 year
I don't want to Lunch and Learn. I want to Lunch and Leave
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@WorkRetireDie
2 years
Me at the company happy hour after my last work friend quit and I don’t really know anyone at all now and even the free booze isn’t worth it
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
6 months
Just to clarify - when you say let's touch base after the holidays do you mean after the Lexus December to Remember or post- Happy Hondadays? Just wanna update the cal
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1 year
Sunday Hangover Hierarchy of Needs
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@WorkRetireDie
5 months
Dry January is kind of slap in the face to actual alcoholics no? Like look how easily i can quit the addiction that is ruining your life
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
3 years
You are not in Succession. You are a middle manager at a mid tier accounting firm.
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@WorkRetireDie
11 months
Just started watching Suits now that it's on Netflix and now I get the Meghan Markle thing. I totally understand, Harry. It was all worth it
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
6 months
When my boss tries to give me a bonus this year instead of sharing that money with the loving shareholders who have vacation homes and second families to pay for
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@WorkRetireDie
1 month
Nothing worse than a "hey how's it going" Slack. It's going badly. Seems like you're about to make it worse. What do you want, man?
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@WorkRetireDie
1 year
@impossiblyeve This is exactly like every dream i ever have
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
1 year
THE CLIENT WANTS THE LOGO BIGGER
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1 year
When the Wintergreen Zyn, 4 Miller Lites, and jalapeno poppers merge together in my blood stream at the happy hour
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5 months
Me and my coworkers clicking through every slide of 2024 HR training modules without absorbing a single piece of information
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
4 months
When your company wins a new client and now you’re the one that will have to do the actual work
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@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Life hack - always be the one at work who sets up the meeting. That way if you completely forgot to prepare slides for the touch base in 45 mins, you can just say ‘pushing to next week to accommodate schedules’ and no one will question you. I do this like 3x a week
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@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Forwarding an email that someone claimed you never sent
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@WorkRetireDie
6 months
Nothing I love more than saying "does anyone have any questions" to a Zoom presentation of 11 people on mute with their cameras off. Feels good
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@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Walking into work after another disastrous performance at the happy hour
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1 year
when the coworker i thought was kinda boring gets bombed with me at the office happy hour
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11 months
I love life. During the day, I rotate between Slack, email, and Zoom meetings for 10 hours. Then after work, I rotate between Twitter, IG, and Tik-Tok until i pass out. I never have a meaningful conversation, create anything of substance, feel productive or truly relax. it rocks
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@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Me on my way to enjoy the beautiful weather by sitting inside and aligning text boxes on PowerPoint all day
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9 months
Barista flipping the ipad around when all they did was pour a medium black coffee
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1 year
@DailyLoud Why did you guys tweet this lmao
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6 months
@ManavWorldPeace He would move Honda accords like nobodies business
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@WorkRetireDie
3 years
Asking your friend who works at Goldman about the market this week
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Sorry for the delay! I went for a walk and experienced the briefest bit of joy, reminding me that perhaps life does not have to be a prison of decks, emails, and meetings about Q3 Action Plans, which in turn sent me spiraling in existential panic for 3 hours but I’m back now!
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
2 years
Yooo i love commuting to work in the dark, staying inside all day, and then the sun is down when I leave the office. This is what humans were meant to do
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Your Director of HR that won't approve any WFH requests but spends the entire summer in the Hamptons for "personal reasons"
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
23 days
the day the music died
@Phil_Lewis_
philip lewis
@Phil_Lewis_
24 days
Chuck E. Cheese is pulling the plug on its animatronic robot band for good
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@WorkRetireDie
2 years
All decisions are final and correct
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1 year
Sorry just seeing this! I ignored your email last week because it stressed me out and then completely forgot about it because I can't focus on anything for more than 35 seconds! Hoping you figured this out without me otherwise I will spiral for the remainder of the day
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@WorkRetireDie
5 months
Relax guys. It’s marketing not modern warfare
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@WorkRetireDie
3 months
@bigcontentguy been doing this all day, feels amazing
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1 year
When you’ve spent weeks warning that something will become an issue at work and it finally implodes and now it’s everyone’s problem
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@WorkRetireDie
7 months
The only actual cure for seasonal depression is ordering $74 of Chinese food and drinking yourself to sleep every single night until April. In my experience
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
3 years
Hey team, with all that’s going on in the world I just want to make sure everyone stays focused on what really matters- hitting our Q3 numbers and filling out the employee engagement surveys on time so HR can get off my back
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@WorkRetireDie
2 years
@fransquishco And has also played a wife with memory loss issues twice. Just constantly operating with way less information than her romantic partner
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10 months
@brianjoralvarez Nah bc why is this so true
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3 months
glad we do this
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5 months
I don't want work life balance. I want to not work at all
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@WorkRetireDie
2 years
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
4 months
Elmo, I will have the slides for you by EOD. Like we discussed. I can’t focus if you keep slacking me for updates every 45 minutes. Do I need to escalate this to our manager?
@elmo
Elmo
@elmo
4 months
Elmo is just checking in! How is everybody doing?
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6 months
Me listening to HR read my Slack conversations out loud in our meeting about “appropriate workplace language and conversation topics”
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3 years
10 Commandments of Corporate America 10. Never Work Harder than You Have To 9. Get Receipts 8. Perception > Performance 7. Take a Full Lunch 6. Be the 4th Drunkest at All Drinking Events 5. Take All Your Vacation 4. Speak Up 3. Shut Up 2. Always Look Busy 1. Be a Normal Person
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@WorkRetireDie
4 months
How HR expects me to feel after a mandatory hour-long 'Mental Health in the Workplace' seminar that takes place during my lunch break
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Finding high ground with reasonable WiFi so I can still join the 2:30 team touch base via Zoom
@vidsthatgohard
vids that go hard
@vidsthatgohard
1 year
WYD in this situation🧐?
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@WorkRetireDie
2 years
It’s an epidemic @HighyieldHarry
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@WorkRetireDie
8 months
People are clowning on this girl and I get why. But she's not wrong that commuting and working a 9-5 fucking sucks. Having pretty much zero free time or energy is a big adjustment until you get your sea legs like 6 months into adulthood. I get it: this is the real world and
@Cerra__
𝘾𝙚𝙧𝙧𝙖
@Cerra__
8 months
Welcome to the real world, sweetheart! Now try doing it with 3 kids.
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
11 months
Opening my email today after mentally checking out for all of last week
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
4 years
Can't wait for another fucking sick Friday night where I close my computer, move 11 inches, and have two more beers than a normal weeknight before I pass out on my couch at 11:32 pm
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Let's ride
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11 months
All hands meeting after we missed last quarters quota by 71%
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@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Hopped on the Day in the Life trend what do you guys think
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
8 months
We've all considered taking a data analytics course when things went south. Proof that things get better 🙏🏻
@FilmUpdates
Film Updates
@FilmUpdates
8 months
Lily Gladstone had been considering a career change prior to ‘KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON.’ She was registering for a data analytics course, when a Gmail notification alerted her to a request for a meeting with Martin Scorsese. Gladstone is now receiving universal acclaim and
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11 months
Me after sending one email today and then logging off and immediately day drinking
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@WorkRetireDie
1 year
This guy gets it. Spend your one precious life ignoring your relationships, health, and having any sort of enjoyable experiences so you can get promoted, make an extra $7,000/year and then get laid off and locked out of your computer at a moment's notice
@chrishlad
Chris Hladczuk
@chrishlad
1 year
Work-life balance in your 20s is an easy way to guarantee a mediocre career.
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Hey guys just a reminder that Q2 is almost over and you haven't come remotely close to hitting your goals and everyone is out of the office this week and next so you will not accomplish a single thing so you should just give up now
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
3 years
Inauguration is completely unrealistic first day of work. Biden hasn’t even had to give 3 fun facts on a conference call or go on an awkward team lunch
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
1 year
Me in the office fresh off a 48 hour bender and within an inch of my life when the boss asks if I'm gonna be ok to work today
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1 year
Me during a very important Zoom call I’m expected contribute significantly to
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@WorkRetireDie
2 years
Man time flies when you're updating spreadsheets in the middle of several ongoing tragedies and the collapse of society as we know it
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
2 years
Sometimes I really get discouraged at my job and then I realize that all my hard work is helping the shareholders of my massive corporation pay for their 3rd vacation home. I get my ass back on that computer and start formatting PowerPoint slides ASAP
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
1 year
I’ve sent over 34,3213 emails (29 years old)
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Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
4 years
Hey just following up on this so I don't get yelled at by my boss! I would kinda prefer if you don't reply so I won't have to actually do my job, but regardless, just want to create documentation that this no longer my fault! Let me know if you need anything from me!
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3 years
My boss going with me to confront the guy who was mean to me over email
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8 months
Everyone always asks "what's the status of this project," but they never ask "what's the status of this project manager" 😔😔
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3 years
Big Kendall Roy energy here
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3 years
I do not want a fast paced work environment I want to go home
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3 years
@jarule @RobinhoodApp Been a frustrating day. I work at Goldman Slacks (pants store) as a sock trader but people keep asking me for financial advice.
@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
3 years
Asking your friend who works at Goldman about the market this week
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1 year
@followtheh Locker room needs an upgrade
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2 months
Send the meteor, i can't take this anymore
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8 months
Anyone got any fun weekend plans to share while we wait for the only important person to join the call or should we just sit in complete silence?
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8 months
Me at a networking event lingering at the edge of multiple conversations with no idea how to enter any of them and wondering why I came in the first place
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2 years
"Daddy...I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night" Ok??? We have an open relationship. It's 2021, maybe be more sex-positive you little shit
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1 year
One of the best things about our society is that our brightest & most driven students spend their 20s solving problems like 'how do I make a corporation more money' as consultants bc it's nearly impossible to make a living wage doing something that actually makes society better
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@WorkRetireDie
Work Retire Die
@WorkRetireDie
2 months
Can we do this at work? Would get rid of a lot of unnecessary email threads
@heatdaddy69420
Heatdaddy
@heatdaddy69420
2 months
Rockstar shit
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1 year
It's time to call in our greatest national resource
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@unusual_whales
unusual_whales
@unusual_whales
1 year
Italy's birth rate has hit a historical low last year with less than seven newborns for every 1,000 inhabitants.
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