Alexis Pereira @MrAlexisPereira Twitter profile

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Alexis Pereira

3 years

This year I published a couple pieces in Vulture: my diary about going viral for posting the Tom and Jerry essay and my recap of my insanely bad interview to write for a TV show

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

The first half of this video is already incredible. And then it kicks it into another gear.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

I thought I looked nice in my sweater but my fiancée said I look like a retired member of the X-Men.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 months

Ben Franklin

Garett Jones

@GarettJones

4 months

Name other scholars beside Oppenheimer who spent their later years running away from their early work

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

8 years

I will never forget this chart for as long as I live.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

Reading about an Airbnb host who’s taking four properties off the app and he cited these “draining” stories. These are actually totally normal issues…in a hotel. You tried to run a hotel without a front desk.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

Told my girlfriend that when Lucille 2 dated Buster in Arrested Development, it was a reference to Liza Minnelli dating Lucille Ball's 20-year-old son in real life in the '70s, and she said that's the last fact I'm allowed to tell her for 2021.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

Slipping this under the door at Vulture

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

@MaasNeotekProto So I hear

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

“A guest was upset that their $400 a night hotel didn’t have a toilet. Come on. Just go in the woods! I just wanna collect a check!”

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

He swings the camera right to look at a completely unrelated near-accident, and then the hot wheels car rolls into frame. Teach this shot in film school

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 months

I’m glad they’re checking big bags on the subway in NYC. Every victim of subway crime remembers how their assailant had a big bag full of weapons.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

One scam we gotta end, whether its Ticketmaster or AirBNB or anywhere, is the "service fee" they tack on at the end. We already have a fee for service, it's called the PRICE. They literally are saying, "here's what you owe me, and also here's what you owe me for owing me."

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

Twitter is doing amazing. A person pretending to be Louis CK not only is verified but is making money by selling subscriptions for a follow and tweeting right wing propaganda.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

I would pay an extra $100 to sit next to a large dog like this on a plane.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 years

Leftists: Abortion should be legal Republicans: You should face 30 years for a miscarriage Biden: How about 15?

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

So I just got this email from my manager??

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 months

@TheTylerVargas “Mr. Franklin, the British also have a team working on eating pussy. Our independence is at stake!”

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

@NickTagliaferro

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

@LegendsUntold1 I’m ready

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

@jeremysmiles Not the only thing they’re finally legal for…😚

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 months

This is from Ben Franklin’s Wikipedia btw. Sorry I didn’t cite.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

Thought I'd help Bernie answer this question about union health insurance

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

Wow, thanks to Henry Dearborn at American Comedian for the writeup about this tweet. Can't believe any media is actually interested in this lol

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

If you hit the pause button on the HBO Max app and want to hit play, you have to wait until they call over the manager with the key.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

I love Succession but I’m gonna need a little box on the bottom corner of every episode explaining what deal they’re working on and what job everybody has.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 months

@HireMeImFunny Don’t thank me. Thank our founding father.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

@ByYourLogic I would take 95% fall damage and see everything in blinking red for a minute if it meant I could leave a Knicks game in 4 seconds.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

Living in Queens is amazing because whenever a country wins a World Cup game I can walk a few blocks to party with their people.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

11 months

@MaccEnigmaticc Didn’t see this classic on the thread

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

If you bury a movie with Michael Keaton in it you should go to jail.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

These comments are despicable

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 years

@The2kGod You watching the game in a toll booth?

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

@nori_reed

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 months

@bethbourdon Ironically there’s a lot of good Yahoo Answers on what to do if you hit a buggy high on meth and kill two people

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

Inexplicably interviewing Woody Allen on Instagram Live, watching as Woody loses Wi-Fi, and then getting up to yell something in Spanish that I a native Spanish speaker can’t understand has surpassed Schweddy Balls as the new funniest thing Alec Baldwin has ever done. God tier.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

This is dreamworld honestly. Large open green spaces, minimal cars, room for bicycles, people occasionally tortured and eaten by a large cat.

Mat Osman

@matosman

3 years

Just a cat napping in a model village

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

Parasite winning Best Movie means we’re getting Bernie

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

Hahahaha

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

She’s a loose cannon

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

@curtwes23 @ByYourLogic I've already instructed my family and friends to immediately walk on my body and take everything

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

@StevenWillcox2 The verified badge makes it look like he’s joking

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

@sonicdork There is a subthread with lawyers arguing about what laws I broke

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 years

@JonScoff @belanger_jay @getfiscal @BernieSanders I can

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

In the past 12 hours over 1000 people have commented “it’s fake, he’s a comedian, and he’s not funny,” which barely beats my record.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

I share the same dream as every comedian: to make it so big that I get asked to do an interview/photoshoot with expensive clothes and am asked serious questions about my personal philosophy and I say the stupidest shit anybody has ever heard in their fucking lives.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

I’m still processing it but today in the first minute on the first day of my first ever tv writing staff position my cat knocked my coffee out of my hand and completely destroyed my laptop.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

@wattznext Ok, you got me lol

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

@knicks_tape99 I like that he and Lebron have a deal never to play each other in the regular season

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

@MaasNeotekProto “Not the Mario thing” I didn’t ask for your opinion dickhead

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

@phil_so_silly Super Bowl 27 was def a holocaust. Cowboys scored two touchdowns in 15 seconds.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

7 years

As @nntaleb once said, the reason why Trump is so comically bad at explaining things is that he's never had a boss.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

8 years

Reason for returning karate outfit: ◻️ Size ◻️ Color ☑️ Landlord made you stop standing on roof watching the sunrise vowing revenge

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

@bransonreese 8 seconds? Is he writing a novel? I'm on and off the toilet in 4 seconds tops. The trick is to have your shits ready before you're over the target like you're bombing a 1943 German weapons factory.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

I like how a few replies are chastising me for “falling for an obvious parody.” Yeah I need my money back!

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

A few people reached out and yes that was me on the news. I grabbed the clip.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

8 years

@Jeff_Mans @PFTCommenter I know an other Carpenter who was back to work after 3 days.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

So, my dad passed away last night, and I’m obviously I’m doing a terrific job staying off Twitter and dealing with the grief. But right now I’d give anything to get rid of the dull ache of repeating putting my foot on a step that’s no longer there.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

If you're running for mayor and somebody asks you what the average price of an apartment is in Brooklyn and you say $90k, you literally cannot be trusted to know anything. You're not even qualified to live in NYC, let alone run it.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

I’m watching SNL valiantly attempt to put on a show in the middle of a Covid surge and NBC just showed a commercial for Louis CK’s next comedy special. Absolutely cursed stuff.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 years

My favorite Joe Biden thing is he often says something so dumb people start laughing, and then he says "no I'm serious." The audience typically doesn't know what to do at this point. It has happened like 100 times.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

One of my sketch students wrote to me and said his friend got a really great writing job. But instead of being happy for him, he was angry. He asked if I had any tips. I told him I didn't but to please never again email me about somebody succeeding. Now I'm angry too.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 years

@catatonicyouths We should join him with “Your Neighbor Fired His Wife” signs

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

We are on day three of my brother and I trying to explain to our immigrant parents what going viral on twitter means. “Do you get money?” No! “Will somebody hire you to write comedy?” No again! What don’t they get about how great it is?

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

Donald Glover hiring Malia Obama to write for him is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. The man is on another level.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 years

@getfiscal @BernieSanders Wrong GM. He's talking about the cereal company General Mills.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

2020 was a much simpler time. It started with Covid and ended with Alec Baldwin's six kids finding out they aren't really latino and it was actually just their mom's hobby.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

@TheSun That first one had me crying. “As you can see, deep frying a turkey has the same force of 3 atom bombs.”

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

@getfiscal

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Responds to Harassment Allegations

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

@MattBruenig I got my family off the sinking ship. But then I saw tickets were half price…

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

I went back and forth for a while about writing this and I’m glad I did it. I hope at the very least it helps someone else be ready. Also, I am young - I just have premature gray hair. Please believe me.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 years

@hanton_jeff It’s like watching two 8-year-olds argue about mortgages.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

Remember in The Truman Show when Truman wanted to leave his town by bus and none of the actors knew what to do so the driver just broke the bus? That’s the Iowa Caucus. Bernie got on and said “ok let’s go” and everybody had to pretend it hadn’t been fake the entire time.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

Steinway street in Astoria. Today we are all Moroccan

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 years

@abrunetweets Stephen A be like

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

@VioletTamaskan I'm crying tears over here...Bernie lounging in his Toyota 4Runner with the AC turned up while his grandkids throw bricks at each other in the front yard

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

@BrandyLJensen Googling which side the French resistance was on

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

@zachraffio Of course a male doctor thinks you can just “take off” a golden arm

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

This was People Magazine’s cover for next week. Betty White is the funniest person of all time.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

Living in NYC is funny because on the national news they say the city is completely empty and everyone has fled but meanwhile you can't get a table at a restaurant and rent prices keep going up so much that landlords are making us bid for apartments at Sotheby's.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

Did anybody else get feedback on their SNL packet?

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

@ByYourLogic Put on my unearned medal

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

Time to do my yearly google asking the difference between sound mixing and sound editing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

@rajat_suresh Mostly true wtf?

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

1 year

@allahliker I ump little league for $30 a game. You don’t think coaches slip me a 20 when they really need a win? Strike zone just got 10 feet higher

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

Everyone please stop saying my manager should drop me. I already lost my teaching job for posting my student’s Tom and Jerry essay. I can’t afford to not have a rep

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

If I didn't live in NYC I'd be annoyed by how much New Yorkers love bodegas but let me be clear: this is the only city on the planet with many readily available and conveniently located egg sandwich options. The rest of you are driving 25 minutes to Panera.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

@BrandyLJensen Had a wisdom tooth removed through surgery and right before the surgery the surgeon went "whoa! this is gonna be a tough one. Never tried one that deep before."

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 months

@UsingCigarettes What even is that? Why does a toilet need paper?

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

Subway Shooter tries to turn himself into the NYPD

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

@SamanthaaaReece I was so deeply upset when I first heard it. Getting insurance through work is a bug, not a feature

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa outlines his first days in office as Mayor of NYC - Live at Union Hall

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

4 years

I told my girlfriend that dating shows like The Bachelor and Love Is Blind neglect how important sexual chemistry is in a healthy relationship and are thus puritanical, and she said working from home with me and listening to my theories all day is “a nightmare.”

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

My friends just made fun of me for working hard on a TV show application. Well they won't be laughing when my jokes are on TV. Nobody will be laughing.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

5 years

@SenSanders Tell em king

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

2 years

Confucius once said “before you embark on a journey for revenge, dig two graves.” It really helps build your triceps and chest muscles, which you’ll need for the revenge.

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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

3 years

In celebration of my 37th birthday today, I went on a 37 second jog. Even though I am now an older man, I wanted to show everyone that age is just a number. I can still do just about anything a young person can, except with a little more gray hair. 😉

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