Orli Matlow @HireMeImFunny Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@Richard88207676

@nomadsurfshop

@BattySumme23856

@kkzadar

@MiosotyPic51507

@Antonio79873343

@CutsingerM35275

@GeojitFinancial

@AdRoq0318

@VampireKisses83

@ShaoDowMusic

@kiruicampbell

@Ajoy76531434

@9h22min

@ariwitdafatty

@ScottW_inks

@carvalhoalves

@ItsWebbJP

@DEKE_SSS

@JoeBroughton23

@useddryersheet

@brock60492571

@tru_thoughts

@JohnLithgow

@GoldenHalloFame

@lysmarieetv

@BriceIvanovic

@bagmanjones66

@AngelaColl56059

@NordenLab

@LeytheMc64698

@joefis

@RealJGBank_s

@DukeBallsack

@1290Lowes

@MattPhipps8

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

5 years

Is running for president just "starting a podcast" for rich people?

107

11K

71K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

NFL players aren't protesting the anthem, they're protesting police brutality. That's like saying hunger strikes are against food #TakeAKnee

475

19K

54K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

The only role that makes sense for Scarlett Johansson to play at this point is Rachel Dolezal

87

5K

25K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

HOT TAKE: STANDING NEXT TO A DICTATOR AND SAYING YOU BELIEVE HIM OVER EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN INTELLIGENCE AGENCY IS MORE DISRESPECTFUL TO LAW ENFORCEMENT THAN NOT STANDING FOR A DAMN THEME SONG

14

3K

12K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

I hope they surprise Shkreli and increase his sentence by 5000% overnight

49

3K

10K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

John McCain has the world's most fucked up make-a-wish

19

1K

5K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

She wears short skirts I wear T-shirts She’s cheer captain and I support the American Federation of Teachers

9

426

4K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

5 years

@mattgaetz @MichaelCohen212 Hey dude did you know that you’re a sitting congressman

77

144

3K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Ivanka Trump's alleged punk phase consisted of listening to Sk8er Boi and relating to the girl who said see you later boy

17

601

3K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

5 years

If a comic insists on using this setup, the punchline should be that surviving a shooting doesn't make you interesting because thanks to the NRA, it happens every fucking day

Variety

@Variety

5 years

"You're not interesting because you went to a high school where kids got shot," Louis C.K. said during a recent stand-up set, calling the younger generation boring

418

74

329

64

289

3K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

5 years

Imagine being so homophobic you resort to theatre

Marcus J. DiPaola

@marcusdipaola

5 years

Oh my god. The protester has a fake @PeteButtigieg whipping Jesus on a cross. I have no words.

1K

757

2K

23

289

3K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

5 years

When you ask Ivanka how she ever got anything in her life

Ivanka Trump

@IvankaTrump

5 years

It was my privilege!

1K

9K

11

398

3K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

It took Trump almost half a Scaramucci to condemn Nazism

13

813

3K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

I got 99 problems and all of them are luftballons

14

903

3K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Combining Nixon's paranoia, Reagan's dementia and W.'s complete lack of knowledge, Donald Trump truly is the ultimate Republican president

45

1K

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

@nycsouthpaw Ted Cruz is defending Steve King more than he defended his wife and father

57

598

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

5 years

I thought Trump was against removing Confederate monuments

POLITICO

@politico

5 years

Donald Trump announced on Twitter on Wednesday that Jeff Sessions is out as attorney general, and that Sessions' chief of staff, Matthew Whitaker, will take over as the acting head of the Justice Department

45

139

128

34

421

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

I'm sure the Monster Mash was great but Mary Shelley losing her virginity on her mother's grave is the ultimate graveyard smash

10

356

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

Comedians in Cars Getting Consent

4

276

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Betsy DeVos on rape, basically: "There's violence on many sides, on many sides." #StopBetsy #INeedIX #DearBetsy

80

1K

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Hey sick person! You can't have healthcare but please, enjoy a gun

The Hill

@thehill

7 years

JUST IN: House strikes down Obama-era regulation that blocked gun sales to mentally ill

769

5K

3K

16

1K

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

No one Chokes like Ted Cruz No one croaks like Ted Cruz No one takes the fun out of the jokes like Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz

@tedcruz

6 years

Happy Halloween

6K

44K

123K

21

250

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

I miss the old Kanye, pro-civil rights Kanye Picking fun fights Kanye, piss off the whites Kanye I hate the new Kanye, the Dilbert dude Kanye The MAGA brood Kanye, watches Fox News news Kanye

20

389

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

Remember the time Trump supporters hosted a literal Nazi rally and murdered a woman by hitting her with a car That was pretty rude and uncivil tbh

16

425

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

Your honor, my client is innocent. He was just a teenage dirtbag, baby

7

185

2K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

19

281

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Felix Sater Ivanka's trip Michael Cohen Finnish blip Moscow's Trump Tower plan NK missile on Japan We didn't start the fire

15

402

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Trump nominates toothpaste as secretary of orange juice

10

641

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Pence's defense: *I* wouldn't have met the Russian lawyer because she's a woman

6

276

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

5 years

@benshapiro Churches are monuments to God, not the West, but facts don't care about your feelings

34

10

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

On Jared Kushner's first day in prison he'll show everyone who's the boss, walk up to the biggest guy and marry his daughter

29

252

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

I want to write comedy so I can speak truth to power and then hang out with power at parties

11

163

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

8 years

How can Millennials not relate to Hillary? She just wants to move back into the house she lived in in the 90s

7

333

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

5 years

It's insane that Trump finds Ivanka attractive. She's over 35

48

56

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

@RichLowry *Jeff Foxworthy voice* If you fail to meaningfully denounce anti-semitism and depend on white supremacists to be part of your governing coalition.......you might as well be an anti-Semite.

Rich Lowry

@RichLowry

6 years

What’s even the theory supposed to be that Trump is an anti-Semite?

984

106

659

7

92

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

@therealroseanne Stephen Colbert roasted Bush at the 2006 Correspondents Dinner and was never heard from again

16

51

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

Beat your first wife, shame on you. Beat your second wife, John Kelly applauds you for your consistency, dignity and honor

7

186

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Can't wait until tomorrow when all the Americas are on sale

5

174

1K

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

Aloha, Islamophobes. Aloha, liberal, environmentalist paradise. #BoycottHawaii

11

117

966

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

7 years

You're not allowed to have a "troubled past" if you're assautled or murdered, only if you're elected president

5

372

952

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

Happy Passover to everyone except Jared and Ivanka. May their Seders be long and boring, their matzah constipation farts be putrid, and the Afikomen be hidden in an extremely far, inconvenient place

12

194

961

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

Remember when we used to talk about Nazis in past tense

6

277

930

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

Wow it's like every Trump/Russia controversy has another Trump/Russia controversy inside

23

122

884

Orli Matlow

@HireMeImFunny

6 years

I hate to break it to conservatives but progressives don’t give a shit about defending Bill Clinton. It would be a great hypocrisy “gotcha!” if we did though, I’ll give you that

9

94

840