Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Kyle 🌱

6 years

[first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

298

64K

286K

Last Seen Profiles

@KevinGreutert

@m_shoart

@syardi

@AR500ARMOR

@_prodkv

@LArc_official

@hakuoh_soldiers

@TezosFoundation

@ernestdove

@portalbaldwin

@JyaireSuga

@SanderLoones

@MsEricaDixon

@geartahna1

@oyoyoxxx

@JewhadiTM

@RusSwole

@phenixpotin

@mxchcuevas

@kdecommunity

@Merlin_Land

@firstpointusa

@NC_Renic

@Asai_chan_

@AntonEmmanuel2

@katharinejadams

@Your_Guy_Nix

@DrAmyKHarrison

@TexasLindsay_

@moondr1

@EthColombia

@1Alboforpm

@jandakembangstw

@chaitjo

@HFiskJohnson

@assenyattemita

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Saying that wearing a mask during a pandemic is "living in fear" is like saying that using oven mitts means you're "afraid" of the oven

603

65K

372K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Our father, who art in heaven, baja be thy blast

697

62K

364K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Birds be like

207

91K

350K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn't, I have some bad news

1K

59K

348K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

I wonder when the bermuda triangle stopped working. Not a lot of drama there anymore

356

26K

284K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

I don't care if you're black, white, green, purple,

Hear Mags Roar 🌊🌊🌊

@Stop_Trump20

4 years

Name something a racist might say to try and convince you they are not racist.

3K

424

3K

525

43K

272K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 years

Professor: most of you won't pass this course Me: cool so you're like, Real shitty at your job

234

45K

251K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

White dudes will be like "there he is, the man, the myth, the legend!" And it's just Garrett

899

35K

250K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Republicans: unlike you I'm not a sheep Also Republicans: the Lord is my shepherd

222

26K

251K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

It probably did

354

42K

231K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment? Me: Prof: Me: it took him a couple bytes

402

34K

227K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Catholics: why should we make you a Saint? Patrick: I uh... I got rid of all the snakes in Ireland Catholics: ... Ireland doesn't have snakes St. Patrick: *uncorking communion wine* ya ur fuckin welcome

172

30K

227K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

My buddy who runs the wonderful bbq truck @swineandsteel updated their official policy

618

47K

228K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Ah shit I spilled my gaussian blur

260

26K

224K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Got alcohol delivered and when the guy scanned my ID he said "this expired like a week ago," and I really didn't know how to respond to that so my dumb ass went "ok well I'm still me"

209

8K

222K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Y'all: people are too sensitive these days [200 years ago] Man: he implied my family was not honorable so we're gonna duel at dawn about it

234

42K

216K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Why are they called paintings. Ur done. That there's a Painted

276

22K

216K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 years

Being a millennial in 2018 means getting a bad Uber ride and still giving the guy 5 stars because you understand that this is likely his livelihood and you don't want to jeopardize that

363

34K

210K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

When I go to type "Lmaooooooooo" and accidentally forget the A

239

25K

199K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

I am slightly less terrified of tigers and 1000x more terrified of whatever the fuck a tiger considers a predator

318

27K

176K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

17 year old musician: I don't want to be sexualized Grown Men Online: it is not technically against the law for me to do so, and thus I will

132

28K

170K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron? Me: yeah, but I haven't seen it in years Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved? Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen Her: yes, thank you. When's my birthday? Me: Her: when's my birthday Kyle Me: Me: happy b- Her: it was yesterday

240

29K

169K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

[BBQ joint] Her: what's your opinion on Brisket? Me: *wiping sauce on my shirt* I don't actually know a lot about UK politics

151

25K

165K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 months

Oh I have a fucking hunch

Cookie Monster

@MeCookieMonster

4 months

Me not sure what me eating...

106

566

6K

55

10K

167K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Man I fuckin love scientists. Someone was like "what kind of rock is that" and everyone else was like "who care, it's a rock" and that person was like "I care and I will find out"

156

17K

164K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

1 year

I want to help you move and I want you to take me to urgent care when I cant drive and I want to watch your kid for a night to give you a break and I want you to cook me a meal just because and I want to pick you up when your car breaks down because we're friends and friends help

Cathryn

@cathrynlavery

1 year

As an adult, don’t ask your friends to help you move. Hire movers, save a friendship.

2K

335

4K

267

31K

164K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Crazy how only 0.000002% of the American population decided to work really hard so that they could become billionaires. Can't believe everyone is so lazy

112

24K

157K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Me: so then I had to wait for my friend to get off work to take me to the ER Non-american: why didn't you just call for an ambulance?? Me: Me:

PlantEmojiBot

@PlantEmojiBot

4 years

Ok so in this country.

1

35

828

222

22K

151K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Not feeling very fergalicious today :(

98

50K

147K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Fun fact: some people have an internal narrative and some don't As in, some people's thoughts are like sentences they "hear", and some people just have abstract non-verbal thoughts, and have to consciously verbalize them And most people aren't aware of the other type of person

2K

23K

146K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 years

Kidneys are just body Britas

135

25K

137K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 months

"I prefer dark chocolate" Totally valid, delic- "Milk chocolate is just too sweet 😥😝" Ok now get over yourself. Like a child pretending to be a grownup. What happened to the light that was once in you. When was the last time you felt true mirth. Go find a shape in the clouds

461

12K

135K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Doctor: be healthy Me: why Doctor: so you can live longer Me: oh! No thank you :)

74

21K

131K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

A single 9/11: never forget A 9/11 happening every day: never acknowledge

122

9K

130K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 years

[at drive thru] Speaker: welcome to McDonald's! What can I get for you today? Me: *vague sobbing* Speaker: *sigh* the usual, Kyle?

134

16K

125K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Her: *holding handbag* it's not my style per se, but- Me (very smart): I believe it's pronounced purse

75

15K

125K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but this deer thinks the ball is one of its eggs, and is distraught that it hasn't hatched before winter, so it thinks it's going to die :(

1K

14K

123K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Me: grandpa's really racist huh Dad: yes but he's from a different time Me: no he is not. He's right here with us, and we're not racist

178

16K

123K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

*confidently* They used math to make the triangle building

Archeology _ Art

@archeology_art

3 years

The ancient Egyptians did not build their Monuments randomly.

575

4K

22K

142

8K

121K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Tired of explaining that "I don't have the time" doesn't mean "literally every second of my schedule is accounted for", but rather "I'm giving as much of myself as I'm currently able to give"

138

36K

122K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Ladies, if he: - only responds after you double text - doesn't care about your snap streak - refuses to shave - is a staunch abolitionist - returns to Ohio after serving only one term He's not your man. He's 19th president Rutherford B Hayes

156

16K

116K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Still not over the fact that there was a whole ass ad campaign for years promoting Milk. Just milk. Not a brand of milk. Just like the concept. The idea of Milk.

397

8K

116K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

What G/PG movies would be better if they were R rated? I want the Spy Kids to kill someone

997

10K

114K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 years

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

99

15K

105K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

I love games like the Sims and animal crossing like "imagine how you could decorate a home if you had money"

116

14K

105K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Oh your "brain" is acting "illogically"? It's meat with electricity inside what the fuck did you expect

130

22K

103K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

"I can't, too busy": - no one believes you - tired - allows for future invitations "I can't. Not since the accident" - mysterious - fresh - prevents future invitations

111

21K

102K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

There's something so perfect about this relic I found in my parents' house. It has an incredible energy to it, like touching a talisman of an ancient religion

329

5K

102K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

I love this bimbo so fuckin much

100

9K

101K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Why does pressing on your bellybutton feel like that

268

10K

97K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

The line between snack and meal has never in history been this blurred

38

12K

98K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Me when the group chat is quiet: Me when the group chat is quiet but I sent the last message: wow I killed the room. Everyone hates me now. Not only was what I said deeply unfunny, but I managed to personally insult everyone reading

107

17K

96K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Asking "how's the job hunt going?" Is a lot like asking "did you cum?" I promise you, you'd hear if there was any success

153

14K

95K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

I think now is the perfect time to bring back drive in theaters

224

12K

95K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 years

Drawing is wild. You think you know what Things look like and then 5 minutes later you're googling "bird"

95

23K

93K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Cashier: and would you like to donate to childrens cancer research? Me: not today Cashier: say it Me: what? Cashier: say "I dont want to donate to childrens cancer research" Me: ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵈᵒⁿᵃᵗᵉ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ ʳᵉˢᵉᵃʳᶜʰ Cashier: now spit in my face

105

8K

93K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Why do jobs ads always look for people who go "above and beyond" If you have additional requirements, say so and compensate me for it, otherwise I will do exactly what we agreed I'd get paid to do

194

9K

94K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

[nature documentary] Narrator: the hunter is on the prowl, she has cornered her prey Me: oh no :( Narrator: but the rabbit manages to escape Me: oh yay :) Narrator: which means mom and her kids will go hungry Me: oh no :(

88

11K

92K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 years

Just got dog-called, which means a woman shouted out of her car "YOUR DOG IS MAGNIFICENT" and I gotta say, this is a great alternative to cat-calling

257

14K

90K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 years

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question? Me, brilliant linguist: That's literally the only type of thing you can ask

181

14K

90K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Would you flip burgers for a salary of $350k per year? You would? Damn sounds like people are ok with working, it's the money that's the problem

131

8K

90K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Fun fact: Newton wasn't a virgin He was gay But historians were like "The poor genius, never married, and thus died a virgin"

Jam

@whatsonidk

4 years

@aubviouslynot Issac Newton? A.K.A the smartest virgin ever?

10

5

146

197

10K

86K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Wild how some people are like "Let's save the planet!" And some people are like "No"

88

18K

87K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Every white girl's middle name is either Elizabeth or Marie and there are no exceptions

2K

10K

86K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Capilism

50

6K

86K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Do I want another tattoo or do I just want someone to hurt me for an hour

192

17K

84K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Some girls are named Emily. Other girls? Not as much

317

6K

84K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

1. This is adorable and amazing 2. What the fuck, I thought wombats were like, beaver sized. Turns out they're goddamn bears

Riff Raff

@RichardAOB

4 years

Apparently wombats in fire effected areas are not only allowing other animals to take shelter in their deep, fire-resistant burrows but are actively herding fleeing animals into them. We’re seeing more leadership and empathy from these guys than the entire Federal government.

1K

60K

237K

98

11K

82K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Swimming kids are the theatre kids of sports kids

275

5K

82K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Woman: I also enjoy the activity you mentioned Man: I will now force you to prove this to me with some trivia questions

118

11K

82K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Y'all: people are too sensitive these days [100 years ago] Christians: dancing is evil

86

13K

80K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Holy fuck I just saw your Instagram story, I'm gonna listen to that song right away thanks for letting me know

264

8K

79K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

[elementary school] Me: :( Grown adults interrupting the school day with an assembly where they do a yoyo routine set to music and then sell yoyos: hey Me: :)

106

8K

79K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Did a Roomba write this

Queen Bean 🍳

@SpiceyGirI

4 years

this is a coffee table hate account i hate coffee tables

17

94

1K

24

6K

78K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Being sex trafficked and dancing are the same thing, to me

Charlie Kirk

@charliekirk11

4 years

The NFL claims they are taking a stand against sex trafficking yet they have a halftime show degrading and objectifying women with pole dancing A horrendous example to the millions of young women across the world

6K

10K

42K

59

5K

75K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Cuz every girl crazy bout a shark dressed man

99

5K

73K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 months

Me: I'm sick can you take my shift? Coworker: sure thing me; thank you so much1

164

5K

73K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Who called them feet pics and not photoes

145

9K

72K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Last week I attempted suicide I'm a mental health advocate. I'm aware of the hotlines. I'm aware of the testimonies of those who have survived. I just forgot to take my meds We need resources, not platitudes #WorldSuicidePreventionDay

692

10K

72K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

I tried explaining impeachment and the first thought I had was "he's been cancelled, but his account hasn't been suspended" and I need to lie down and think about who I am and what I'm doing

71

8K

71K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

My favorite part of Kitchen Nightmares is when the people who applied to be on Kitchen Nightmares are surprised when Gordon tells them their Kitchen is a Nightmare

96

5K

72K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Joaquin is just quinoa pronounced in reverse

223

12K

70K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

6 years

[high school] Parents: we're so proud of you for not doing drugs Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

81

10K

69K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

There are four women total in Atlantis and I am attracted to all of them

110

6K

70K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Moment of silence for the people who agreed to live with shitty roommates because they "wouldn't be spending much time at home anyway"

77

5K

69K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Website: enter your new password Me: *typing* h-u-n-t-e-r-2 Website: confirm your password Me: h- Website: the passwords have to match you absolute idiot. You fucking smoothbrained numbskull. Log the fuck off

49

7K

69K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

Baristas/Bartenders/general food service: what's the weirdest thing you were ever asked to make? As a barista, someone asked for a shot of espresso with 7 pumps of orange flavoring. And he downed it one gulp. This was absolutely not his first time having this

3K

67K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Dudes b like "I apologized but it still feels like you didn't forget the whole thing ever happened"

54

12K

66K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

I am so, so sorry

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

I AM, GETTING SO HOT I WANNA TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF

13

37

1K

528

16K

65K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

Y'all: people are too violent these days [200 years ago] Guy: There's a hanging in the town square at 2, let's take the kids, make a day of it

45

7K

65K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

4 years

The Fab 5 realizing halfway through the episode that this guy actually has clinical depression and can't be saved with an avocado and a new wardrobe

67

4K

64K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

You don't get to make disparaging jokes about someone being a porn star if you yourself consume porn, just like you can't make jokes about fast food workers if you eat fast food You can't demand a service and also belittle those who provide it

163

12K

63K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 months

NYT connections row 1: breeds of dogs :) NYT connections row 4: chapter headings found in "Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism - 3rd edition" if vowels and consonants were swapped + "____en" that are homonyms of German verbs

43

4K

64K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

7 months

As an atheist who was raised in an evangelical Christian household, I wish there was a way to express the sentiment "I'm praying for you" in a way that didn't evoke supernatural invocations but implied a more active love than "you're in my thoughts*

1K

4K

63K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

Anyone: I'm not a fan of weed, it makes me f- Stoner: no it doesn't

102

3K

62K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

I love it when dudes says shit like "our quarterback sucks" Sir he is a quarterback in the national football league. Even if he's the worst in the NFL, he is still the 32nd best at his job in the entire world, and you broke the remote when you tossed it on the couch and missed

121

5K

62K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

3 years

I love that spiderman sits like that. That's not a spider thing. Spiders don't do that. But spiderman does.

54

3K

62K

Kyle 🌱

@KylePlantEmoji

5 years

[Scooby Doo] Shaggy: like, where could the key be? 7 year old me, noticing one of the floorboards is animated differently and stands out from the others: oh I've got a fuckin hunch

47

7K

62K