Iris 👾 @Jest_Iris Twitter profile

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

the opposite of an e-girl is an email

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Being vaccinated

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

POV: we both reach for the beef rose and there’s only one left. You let me have it. Call that a meat cute

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

You’re never going to own a house, order the avocado toast

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Girl that doesn’t want to litter so she puts little scraps in her purse to toss later but then forgets to and ends up constantly carrying a little bag full of trash

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

5 months

him: you better not be a cunty sugar jar when I get there me:

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

6 months

"don't worry it's not covid" okay I still don't want you coughing all over the function with whatever else you clearly have

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

"I'm a night owl" all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

4 months

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

My earliest memory of mansplaining

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

I’ll stop putting “lol” at the end of my sentences when my life stops being a joke lol

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

cheshire cat: we're all mad here me: at me???

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

I just feel like we’re being really generous letting guitar center pass this thing off as a G

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

The existence of Adam Driver implies the existence of Eve Passenger

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

your body is a wonder bread

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Dr. Pepper is a woman but y’all not ready for that conversation yet

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

6 months

I just feel like another ship getting stuck in the Suez Canal would boost morale a lot

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with my posture but I have a hunch

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

1 year

reliable, consistent, unproblematic. this is the ideal brother in law relationship

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

I was today years old when I realized "roomba" is an anagram of "a broom"

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

ice skating is actually crazy. you're going to put knives on your feet and slip around on some frozen lake? hard pass

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

the hypochondria is the powerhouse of the unwell

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

1 year

This is my grandfather after 1 dose of Pfizer on 1/5/2021 in the hospital. He was a very healthy 89 year old who managed a surgery center. Two years later he is still having major issues

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

who's really behind FB and IG being down

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

6 months

guns don't kill people, lemonade kills people

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

“How are you still single” Me:

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

“I can see your nipples poking through your shirt” ok??? It’s part of the outfit

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

single people, which side of the bed do you sleep on and which is for your laptop?

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

youre in their DMs I am writing a haiku we are not the same

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

after you left they put a spirit halloween in my heart

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

@chaotic_sub its time for men to be overly apologetic!!! it that's okay, no worries if not!

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Hey God, are you there? It's a-me Mario

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

@nbcsnl @elonmusk @MileyCyrus can we stop pretending billionaires belong in entertainment on that merit alone???

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

"who rescued who??" I whisper to myself as I carry a duffle bag of half priced candy out of CVS

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

the anti sex beds are fucked up not because they prevent these athletes from getting laid, but because you're making the best athletes in the world sleep on unsupportive literal cardboard the nights between trying to showcase their peak performance.

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

why do all republicans look like this?

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

him: *cums* me: I know, right?

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

@fuzzytenor @saint_audrey he cant talk rn, he needs to get his head in the game

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

8 months

@v_dcknz No ur so right bc why was I saying shit like “apples actually have a lot of carbs in them” when I was a teenager 😭

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Really annoying that I had to go through such hell to become this cool of a person

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

@bb_apes crotch companion

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but now get ready for

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

*wiping cum off my mouth* are you mad at me?

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

people always be like "I want to climb him like a tree" about tall guys, but what about short guys? Why is no one going "I want to sit on him like a stump" or anything?

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

@Brittymigs "if you wanna be a babe, lose the labe" - their slogan probably

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

4 months

either way u better not kill the groove

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Hello! If you took a sec to laugh at this consider also taking some time to look into these resources on helping our AAPI friends and neighbors who are suffering

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Friendly reminder to put your vibrator away so it isn’t accidentally in the frame of your zoom meeting cam

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 months

NYers are healing

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

6 months

@_chase_____ me when they try explaining the rules of the game

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

6 months

NUGGET. ICE.

Cowboy Dream 💚👸🏽 |

@ThaDreamGirl13

6 months

Y’all hate being parents, yall hate the idea of getting married, yall hate relationships, yall hate working to provide.. what do yall like?!??

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Most people don’t know this but Costco and Petco are brothers

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

We’re all trying to find the guy who did this

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

“How are you still single” Me:

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

a weighted blanket isn't enough, I need 6 feet of dirt on top of me

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

iOS is 15 now? Somebody better keep an eye on Drake 👀

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Maybe the real stimulus checks were the friends we made along the way

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

1 year

when the alarm goes off in the morning and he stops cuddling me it’s like…the bell doesn’t dismiss you…only I can dismiss you

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

white people WOULD describe pumpkin as spicy

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

All this for a guy who told you to drink bleach

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

boys are an invasive species so please be sure not to leave your milkshakes out in the yard for extended periods of time. thank you

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

I don’t want men to DM me I want them to DP me

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

absolutely losing it that this fb meme page posted a screenshot of my tweet but felt the need to photoshop a blue check next to my name 😂 lol what??

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Don’t worry if you can’t remember what you said to me, I can 😌

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

@TheHyyyype my roommate always says you never see optometrists getting lasik and I can't argue with that

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

They’ve been getting away with it for too long

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

you can unfollow me but you can't uncum for me

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

6 months

a viral tweet about viral infections? ya love to see it

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

sorry babe I can't tonight, I don't want to

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

kinda fucked up that ponies aren't baby horses

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

I’m bisexual which means I like ketchup AND mustard

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

I used to think Hyundai was just a fancy way of saying Honda

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

epi pen is short for epic penis

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

I have an abundance of one of them and I’ll give you a hint which one it is 🙈

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

@showmetheyamz honestly tho this is the reassurance I need in any task I participate in

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

1 year

next year I'll send it with a 4th emoji

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

@TheOtherLars imagine giving up avocado toast so you can own a condo lmfao

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

Ordering extra takeout for dinner is actually me meal prepping for tomorrow

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

big "dad waiting outside Forever 21" energy

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

Ok I already fucked up 2022 but 2023 will def be my year

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

1 year

@phillymikann lol I usually see him in person around my bday where he extends it back/ my sister always calls so he's doing his due diligence don't get mad lol

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

my new years resolution is to fit a 3rd wolf inside of me

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

If you can’t handle what comes out of my mouth then you don’t deserve to be what goes in

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

@Dobrenkz the alphabet

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

normalize just kinda sittin around

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

RIP Walt, you would have loved kanye west

Robert Iger

@RobertIger

2 years

Walt Disney would have turned 121 years old today! How lucky we are for the life he lived and the legacy he left. Happy birthday, Walt!

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

Walk walk fashion baby

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

reminder that any man who's ever been inside you is literally just some guy

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

rockin’ robin me 🤝 tweet tweet tweet

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

"I'm a night owl" All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

2 years

I said are you a boobs guy and he said I’m a you guy 🥺

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

1 year

we were ROBBED

Chris

@PositivelyChris

1 year

Name a canceled TV show that deserves another season.

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

did it hurt? when you realized the reason all 3 of your ex-lovers/possible baby daddies suddenly appeared back in your life on the weekend you're hosting your daughter's wedding is because your daughter read your diary and invited them in hoping to find out which one is her dad?

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris

3 years

mornings are for peeing and going back to sleep

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Iris 👾

@Jest_Iris