Cullen Crawford @HelloCullen Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@Natrioshka

@meredithoneil

@wendy321rs

@sixers

@TFSCChain

@Nene_yr

@Tim129430435441

@nicholasjaustin

@fvp

@Nothke

@majgalaal

@nizikawa

@SEGA_OFFICIAL

@OYOUNGHOONI

@ashley_plowden

@VisahoArno85353

@churchscotland

@MaggyClark

@perroquetgris56

@ReaperMeister

@narologist

@riadaht

@duoticket

@ikrhoon

@chris

@dclynick66

@Yatsuiichiro

@nyeshajoyce

@organnika_chem

@grimboid

@miss_renataa

@GogettaM5

@Truongthien991

@juzipipaochahe

@144_george

@46v3JoWGDhwBCWU

Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

7 year resume gap marked "Not Drugs"

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

You should see the other guy. Specifically, how good at fighting he is.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

On your first day in the hospital kick the ass of the sickest motherfucker in there

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

1 month

i cannot operate on this child! he sucks!

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

9 days

roger corman was a titan and loved movies in a way that feels lost in the current industry and also he looked like the dad from the critic and we shouldn't forget to celebrate that either

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

Muppet Babies should have had Statler and Waldorf as two middle aged men who just stood around making fun of the babies

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 days

people dont know that this was built 30 years before the minions' first onscreen appearance

Ellie Guzman

@ellie_guzman

10 days

in LA we may not be able to see the northern lights but we can see the freeway minion and i think that’s beautiful

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

You gotta hand it to the guy who stabbed Jesus while he was already dying on the cross. He saw his opportunity and went for it.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

"Smashing Pumpkins" is also a compliment you hear a lot in British porno

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

the American story is a 27 year old unpaid intern feeling lucky to factcheck a failing newspaper's story about calling millenials terrible

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

all the wrong people have self esteem

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

9 months

@Union_Facts @UNITEHERE11 if i was this bad at what i did for a living id sure want there to be more compassion for people who end up on the street

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

13 days

i love homer's resting face so much

Criminalsimpsons

@Criminalsimpson

13 days

Thread of meta jokes / broke the fourth wall moments 📺

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

There should be a TV show where people can call in and ask Austin Powers if different things make him horny

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

1 month

havent done this for a while here;s some stuff i dont remember photoshopping

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

Whoa whoa whoa, ladies. There's plenty of not knowing I exist to go around.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

Archery range won't let you bring in a raw chicken with "Dad" written on it no matter how much you cry

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

1 month

i do remember this one i just like it

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

"NOSEFART" -Nosferatu's cup at Starbucks

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

I hear if you go a year without flying Spirit Airlines they start mailing dead animals to your house so they can still make your life worse

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

i wouldnt shut up about Quark so they let me write the Ferengi episode

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

My backup career is driving until my rented car runs out of gas and killing myself in a field.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

The 90's begs, pleads, for death. "No," we say, kicking the 90's. "Now get up. We are writing a list for a website."

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

the dream

Mack

@kenzietuff

8 months

Apparently, all men have a favorite plane. Spill it, gents.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

"Hey ladies, Im the dog catcher & I got a report of a bunch of ugly screaming dogs in this hotel room" -my brief stint as an insult stripper

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

*Man gives wife gigantic pair of pants* "He went to Jared"

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

It's pretty hilarious how nothing will ever be ok

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

2 months

had a dream about an energy drink whose marketing was that it was "so dangerous it had to be delivered to the store by elite tactical armed guards" the guards carried rifles and pointed them at customers while it was brought into the store this would 100% work

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

6 months

i had a dream that me and a bunch of people were in a Bill Clinton Impression-off and mine was doing the voice saying "there should be a pussy that tastes like Big Macs and a Big Mac that tastes like pussy"

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

1 month

hey jk Rowling im peeing sitting down and there's nothing you can do about it

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

@pattymo i like to think theyre specifying his Piss Style

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 days

the Citizen Kane achewood is S Tier

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

in general meetings when the execs would ask what ive been watching lately:

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

Some dumb worm is like the Albert Einstein/Michael Jordan/Jackson of worms and it doesn't matter even the littlest bit

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

13 days

thank you for succinctly summing up why i want to put every tech bro into the metaphorical wood chipper

Tim Cook

@tim_cook

14 days

Meet the new iPad Pro: the thinnest product we’ve ever created, the most advanced display we’ve ever produced, with the incredible power of the M4 chip. Just imagine all the things it’ll be used to create.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

i gotta give it boebert. getting kicked out of Beetlejuice for acting like Beetlejuice is pretty funny

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

a toilet that plays the piano part of layla every time you flush and also the flush goes in slow motion

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

9 months

@jon_bois got a wife tho thats a pretty big w

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

7 months

"Sam Goody" is the cool way for hip Christian teens to refer to the Good Samaritan

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

"Yes I still want it to look like a wolverine's head" - Wolverine at Barber

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

I like to imagine that God had a special distortion pedal he stomped on to unleash each one of the plagues

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

well guess what you are grounded with a chance of meatballs

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 days

we need to take a moment to both loathe and appreciate the world we're trapped in

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

the two guys who know the Coke formula are only allowed to fuck each other once a year

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

It's an exciting time to be talentless

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

"What do you mean I don't have a personality? Did you hear me when I said I like zombies AND whiskey?" -People who talk about loving bacon

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

9 months

this is a better onion headline than all of the "scary" onion headline

McNeil

@Reflog_18

9 months

AI is out of control

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

INTERESTING FACT: It was actually Procter who lost it all on the horses, and Gamble who spent all his free time administering tests

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

9 days

putting the 38 year old hamhocks on display this year deal with it

kate bush's husband

@airbagged

10 days

brothers… its time. the slutty Nike shorts got sluttier for the summer

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

A watch is a machine to measure the size of a ubiquitous monster that slowly killed your grandma and is coming for you

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

Win a pumpkin fucked by all four members of Kiss

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

@chrisfluming chris rules fuck all yall

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

Romney wins Crumb County, Florida as all 4 ballots have the words "White one" scrawled across them in mustard

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

My three-way last night passed the Bechdel Test

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

You came here specifically to kick ass and chew bubble gum?

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

*Beehive falls on me* "(AUSTIN POWERS VOICE) Ohh beehive!" *Bees are stinging my face and mouth* "Yeah baby! Do I make you horny?"

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

JESUS: 1 of you will betray me. KEVIN SPACEY AS JUDAS: Surely not I my lord! *turns to camera* Sometimes the wolf plays the sheep. So be it.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

Please Type in the Following Phrase to View Your Grandfather's Obituary: DORITOS, KING OF FLAVORS

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 days

i will not shut up about how much i love the everybody's in la credits and interstitials

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

"I Woke Up Like This" - Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

Nobody give the Decemberists the idea that whales could have ghosts

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

"TIMBURTON!" - Goth Lumberjack

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

FUCK YEAAAAAAAH

philip lewis

@Phil_Lewis_

8 months

A New Jersey man is facing a terrorism charge after he intentionally crashed his vehicle into a police station while blasting "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N' Roses

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

you should be following me on the app I actually post on

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

I wanna see a movie about Lt. Dan's ancestors who died in wars.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

Man everyone really lucked out that when they unthawed Captain America, he didn't turn out to be racist and sexist and homophobic.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

3 years

I guess you could say i get no respect. the end.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 days

"dodge challengers!" - my advice for anyone who wants a lot of horsepower on a budget or bisexuals during no nut november

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

Meet the death row inmate who invented the snuggie #ThisAmericanLifeStories

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

Devil is all bad ass with horns and muscles. God looks like guy at Grateful Dead concert named Wet Napkins

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

im with coco

Variety

@Variety

8 months

Conan O'Brien says Donald Trump hurt comedy: “When Trump came along, what a lot of [comics] have to revert to is: ‘Doesn’t he suck? I hate that guy. He’s an asshole.’ And those aren’t jokes."

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

2 months

@BrianStack153 yeah hell as in "hell-o welcome to comedy heaven"

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

app state to unc

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 days

tom hanks said i had dead balls

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

Imagine a nice relaxing place. There are bugs there.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

all I'm saying is if ur gonna use the train to kill yourself at least punch it as it hits you so people wonder if you thought you could win

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

SMOOTH MOVE: Pretend to yawn to seem casual when you wrap your car around a tree

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

9 days

i remember in first grade all the kids made little books about their moms and it was like them hugging the kids etc. and in mine every page was my mom yelling at me for getting a mohawk

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

ill bet there are some banger non English idioms(?) for righty tighty lefty loosie

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

1 month

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 days

nepo baby debate in one picture

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

8 months

yeah i think about the Roman Empire all the time...Roamin' through Empire of Titties (a strip club i just made up)

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

God is real good at making dogs. People getting killed and raped everywhere and God is just mad churning out dogs.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

A romantic boombox stands outside of a lady boombox's house holding a crying baby over his head.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

1. Rumor that you were buried with treasure. 2. Get grave robbed. 3. Open coffin and your skeleton is holding books READING IS TREASURE

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

"Paleo" would be the perfect name for a white guy who covers Coolio songs.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 days

said this before but the way to save the symphonies is to have (at least) monthly libertine nights with drugs and drinking and powdered wigs

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

Bone!? Thugs!? surely the third item in this list will also be horrific WHAAAAA?!

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

"I WONDER IF BANKSY HAS SEEN FIGHT CLUB" into a megaphone over and over a thousand times in Times Square

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

*Runs into Diner* *Loudly Orgasms* *Points to old lady* "She'll have what I'm having!" *Runs Out*

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

9 months

jumping on this trashbag app to ask for a good audiobook to listen to while walking 7 miles every day

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

Tits or GTFO (Graduate Thesis From Oberlin)

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

presented without comment #BreakingBad http://t.co/43IL2KzBQB

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

These winners are all wasting their one chance to publicly challenge Seth MacFarlane to a fight

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

12 years

ViolentAcrez ran as the ThoughtKops chased him down the alley. "Stop in the name of Censoria," they screamed. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

first day of prison. accidentally called the warden "mom"

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

11 years

The Child Charmin Bear reminding you you can use toilet paper to dab the tip of your penis after urination/sex. He looks right in your eyes.

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

10 years

the words "Lord Piss" just popped into my head with no buildup or intention

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Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

9 days

when fartman farted and the podium exploded from the power of his farts what was the SUBTEXT!?!?

Vox

@voxdotcom

10 days

So, what was the point of John Mulaney’s live Netflix talk show?

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