Jon Bois @jon_bois Twitter profile

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

10 months

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Last Seen Profiles

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

there’s ANOTHER year? holy shit how many of these things are there

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

the shift key is the most useless key on the keyboard. it doesn’t do anything. don’t 2 me

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

people can criticize kyrie irving all they want. all i’ll say is this: after i got the vaccine i found i was completely unable to play basketball at the nba level

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

got engaged

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

derek carr’s gotta be, by a long shot, the best quarterback ever to be the worst quarterback in his division

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

stop fighting! everyone stop fighting! this goes against everything the lockheed martin armed forces bowl stands for!

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

ok, i’m deleting my last 46 tweets arguing that firefighters should be armed so they can shoot the fires. logging off to take some time to reflect. i’ll be back in like seven minutes to post about it some more

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

hey! just in case twitter shuts down at some point but you still want to follow along with what i’m up to, my address is 167 montclair st., apt. 2c, brooklyn, new york, 11279. stop by anytime. i’m not really a “lock the door” kind of person so if i don’t answer, just walk on in

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

level 1 idiot shit is texting a link to myself because i don’t know an easier way to get it from my computer to my phone. level 44 idiot shit is hearing my phone buzz 1.5 seconds later and going “oh who’s that”

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

6 years

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

ok elden ring is a wholesale ripoff of wordle. they basically turned around and made the exact same game. we’ve got to pass a law or something to stop this kind of thing

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

10 years

why watch overtime playoff hockey when you can simply snort cocaine and ride a motorcycle out of a helicopter

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

damn it’s cold outside today! retweet this if you have ever been cold or experienced any other temperature

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

i can’t help it. i’m crying right now. nah i’m just kidding, i’m 38 and have heard lots of these speeches. fight for universal health care or can it

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

shadowbanning isn’t always easy to prove, but tweets like this one tend to make me more than a little suspicious. this is nearly a day old and has barely 1,300 likes. by all rights it should have tens of thousands at minimum. almost everybody goes to the store

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

. @espn i just learned the f word because of your television program

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

dune was completely fictional and i expect dune 2 to be no different. made-up people, made-up planet, made-up sand monsters. absolute nonsense

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

i think inviting john kasich to speak is a smart move. there are 11 people in this country who buy unfrosted pop-tarts and we have to win them all

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

9 months

can someone help me button the rest of the buttons on my jacket

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

a football player carries the ball to the 49 yard line, then the 50 yard line. however, after taking another step forward, he finds to his astonishment that he is once again at the 49 yard line. but how can this be? this is the grand riddle of football

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

alright i’m gonna try to tweet how every verified person tweets now. here we go

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

spotify just sent me a message telling me that they’ve never seen anyone else listen to both rap and country on the same day. they said i’m really weird and possibly some kind of genius. they also said that no one else is interesting at all except for me

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 months

the nfl has been so much more fun since they started rigging it. shout out to everyone who's behind that

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

6 months

150 years into american football: what if we push each other’s butts

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

so first it was no gatherings of 250 people, then 50 people, then 10. if this goes below 1 i’m fucked

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

got married

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

i think it’s ridiculous that computers have fans in them. you’re getting yourself worked up for no good reason. it’s either gonna be a 1 or a 0. just chill

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 months

can't wait for the public restroom bowl

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

7 months

if the dolphins score another touchdown they’re going to break the scorigami chart, which only goes up to 73

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

game changer: if you cook your rice in water before you eat it it’s like the fancy rice you can get at the restaurant

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

ok,here’s a hypothetical: you’re offered $17.6 billion to peel and eat an entire orange. the orange and an orange peel are provided for you. if you’re having trouble peeling the orange someone can do it for you. also you don’t have to eat it if you aren’t hungry. what do you do

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

The two quarterbacks in today’s 49ers-Panthers game have something in common … 👀

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

6 years

people sometimes wonder if i’m the same guy in real life as i am on twitter. and yes, absolutely i am. i speak 11 sentences per day and 580 people laugh every time. sometimes someone on the street will say something and i answer “where’s the lie” in my kitchen seven hours later

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

alright, how about this. minimum guaranteed income of $80k a year. max income at $200k because we’re in ideological transition and the go-getters need a carrot. movers default to $200k because that’s shit’s really hard. food servers have judge dredd levels of autonomy

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

i forgot to tweet this earlier but last sunday, chris rock was presenting an oscar and made a joke at jada pinkett smith’s expense. will smith (her husband) took offense and went up and slapped him. if you google “will smith chris rock” you should be able to find more about it

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

i just happened upon a gang of youths who were spraying graffiti on a local establishment. i asked them, “why do you vandalize? what animates you?” after a long pause, one said, “out-of-control deficit spending.” i call upon our elected leaders to balance the federal budget – now

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

A fruit is named “orange.” As a result, it is incentivized to become the color orange. Which it does. Every. Single. Time. Free markets make this possible.

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

seen a lot of good goofs over the years but it’s tough to beat the time my friend texted me “i cooked an extra corn cob i don’t want, you hungry?” he lived in california, i lived in kentucky. i said sure and immediately forgot about it. five days later i got it in the mail

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

Is eight dollars really too much? Most people are pickpocketed for much more than eight dollars every day. I am typically pickpocketed every 20 to 30 minutes.

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

tweeting “silence, brand” at a local public library’s announcement that it will be hosting a magic show for children

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

thinking about doing something nobody could possibly get mad at me for, like going outside in january in my coat and mittens and sitting in a chair

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

i have a south park avi. my bio is an arrested development quote. i’ve replied “Don’t you mean Superb Owl?” 27 times and “But is it a sandwich?” 107 times. i care about the mr. peanut thing. i support pete buttegieg. i am legion

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

it will be very interesting to see what will happen with regard to various things

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

23 days

just watch baseball. this is what baseball is and why it exists

Austin Kleon

@austinkleon

24 days

This idea of “second-screen content” is totally gross yet seemingly inevitable

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 months

one of the many tough things about the continual degeneration of the right is that a lot of them don't even understand sports anymore. we used to at least be able to connect over that. now they just want to talk about how there are more interracial couples in yogurt commercials

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

it’s cool whenever a banking app commercial shows a 28-year-old looking at the app on their phone and the balance in one of their three accounts is like $685,000

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

if you’ll allow me to nerd out for a moment: 2020 is the last prime number we’ll get until 2036. the last prime number was 1962, more than fifty years ago

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

chiefs won the super bowl

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

6 months

holy shit patrick mahomes is at the chiefs game

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

let’s see missile launch code requirements for what they really are: gatekeeping in its most insidious form. suppose you’d like to destroy the moon, as most of us would. do you have a launch code? oh, you can’t afford one? sorry, you’re shut out of the process entirely

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

i tweet “Late capitalism.” and a photo i took of what i think is graffiti. someone explains that it’s spray-painted sidewalk markings indicating the location of a water line. i block them, delete the tweet and post a new one with the same photo that says “Water is so important.”

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

8 months

the worst thing about being a chiefs fan is that sometimes you’ll turn on a chiefs game and it’s not even the super bowl. it’s just some regular game

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

Wordle 226 0/0

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

i’m at the grocery store. they have so much fucking food here

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

5 years

deadspin’s owners gambled that their writers were chickenshits like them, and they couldn’t possibly have been more wrong. i think it’ll be weeks and months before a lot of us as readers fully understand what we’re losing in that place

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

on to the next battle. please donate to amy mcgrath’s senate campaign. i know it ended months ago but i promise it will make just as much difference now as it did then

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

the coronavirus was one of the top stories of 2020

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

i’m going to be rich

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 months

congratulations to the carolina panthers for appearing in every scheduled game this season. you have completed the nfl challenge

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

after watching the shock and awe bombings in 2003 i swore off politics entirely. i was 20 then and i never imagined someone with bernie’s platform would ever have a chance in hell. i can’t believe this. to everyone who’s voting or volunteering for him, thank you and i love you

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

5 years

by the time i’m 40 i pledge to: - refer to all video games as “mario games” - refer to everything on tv as a “show” including movies/sports - use “spam” and “scam” interchangeably - download a coupon app on my phone called WalletMunkey or something and never shut up about it

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

6 years

just witnessed a bank robbery — but i’m not calling the police. why not? well, it’s simple: it’s only taking place in a movie i am watching comfortably at home. that’s the magic of movies

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

6 years

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

bernie sanders is harry potter from harry potter

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

5 years

i hate to be that guy, but if i was a baseball player i could definitely escape. especially if i was an outfielder. just wait for a grounder and hop the fence when no one’s looking. i’d be miles away before anyone noticed

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

5 years

is game of thrones real? if so, the events of last night are very troubling

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

jordan passed on today, very comfortably and peacefully. he was endlessly funny and eccentric in ways i thought only a human could be. everyone who met him couldn’t get enough of him. hell of a 17-year run from louisiana shelter pup to true, one-of-a-kind legend. love you bubba!

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

I have rewired my smoke alarms to activate whenever they do NOT detect smoke. This allows me to confirm that they are operational at all times. Fire departments are not necessary.

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

11 months

if you pointed out to aaron rodgers that you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway he’d be able to summon enough spiritual energy to teleport to alpha centauri and start conjuring new planets

King of Phinland🐬👑

@KingOfPhinland

11 months

This is a real Aaron Rodgers quote

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

it would help to heal our nation if rand paul and john kerry joined together to sing a song. look i’m sorry. as a white person with a checkmark i’m contractially obligated to say something idiotic like this. i’m really sorry

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

let’s just say the word “gullible” is doing a *lot* of work here

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

7 months

dolphins now have 726 total yards on offense, that’s the new all-time nfl record

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

the owners are the only reason i watch baseball. the players i can take or leave, honestly. just leave a baseball on the pitcher’s mound and sell me a ticket. all the same to me. i will root for the baseball itself

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

10 months

in terms of margin of defeat this would rank as the second-worst broncos loss of the last two years and the fifth-worst nuggets loss of the last two years. the rockies are a baseball team and the game’s barely half over

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

clocks are such a waste of energy. instead of hanging an electricity-guzzling clock on your wall, just hang up 720 unpowered clocks, each one set to every possible minute. then, if you want to look at a clock, just find the one that shows the current time and look at that one

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

6 years

$600 million is enough to pay an entire 120-man roster $50,000 a year for 100 years

The Sporting News

@sportingnews

6 years

$600 million. That's how much money is going into Alabama's athletics facility upgrade.

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

kanye’s running for president? go home 2020, you’re drunk. can i have some likes for this please

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

6 years

warriors uniforms look like a coffee shop run by a megachurch

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

this is peak 2020: today i saw a man riding a bicycle down the street. at first he looked quite small, but as he rode closer he appeared larger and larger. upon passing me he once again became smaller, and then he turned a corner and disappeared. and now i don’t know where he is

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 months

is this even legal

Las Vegas Locally 🌴

@LasVegasLocally

4 months

A man attacked a Clark County judge in court today after she denied his probation.

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

i have decided that this thing is not only my personal friend, but a leftist, and i will tweet about it for several years

Alex Zalben

@azalben

2 years

Hasbro has just introduced, and this is not a joke, their new nightmarish mascot for NERF brand products named "Murph." Murph's terrifying catchphrase is "unleash the play in you." Here is Murph:

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 months

cowboys fans are asking some really tough questions right now, and i gotta say, i don't have the answers. i don't know which texans jersey you should buy

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

i feel like the quarantine and masks and everything is because of covid

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

it looks like the patriots are playing the bills. however, unless we balance the federal budget and reduce deficit spending, the patriots will be paying the bills. i cannot wait for this tweet to end

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

a crypto guy who’s at least enough of a big deal to have been on cable news just shared this tweet as evidence that crypto will rebound. i swear to god, i have never tried harder to cram this much obviously meaningless bullshit nonsense into a single tweet

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

55 years ago today, mild-mannered jim bowl was bitten by a radioactive spider

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

well we’re still the best in the world at the version of football we invented where you have to run around in motorcycle helmets that almost no one else in the world wants to play

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

video game npc standing next to an oil drum fire who will trade you a grenade if you find him a bottle of something called “psycho juice”

SB Nation

@SBNation

5 years

What does Baker Mayfield look like he does for a living?

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

sorry for doing this in one of my videos for the first time ever. i will never do it again

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

1 year

if twitter goes away, it’s really lousy news for those of us who get paid to tweet by the cia. i mean, i put in LOTS of work. i developed this op from the ground up. they paid me $2500 per tweet. and i guess i just thought it would last forever. i don’t know, it’s just sad

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

6 years

okay, let’s put a positive spin on that tweet that’s been going around: what’s a credit card number, expiration date, and three-digit security code you have that other people don’t seem to understand

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

thank god for that safety. 47-42 is scorigami

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

okay listen. it’s friday night, i’ve had two and a half beers, i’ll just come out and say it: computers are kind of like tvs these days because you can watch movies and shows on them

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

4 years

drifting across black ice at 95 mph in my soft-top geo tracker so that in 2023 ambulance rides will cost $6000 instead of $10000

Ken Klippenstein

@kenklippenstein

4 years

The Biden campaign pushed its Iowa staffers to drive in hazardous conditions, telling them: “If it feels like unsafe driving conditions, then talk to me separately but frankly I don’t want to hear any complaints because you know how important this is”

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

5 years

last time i criticized howard schultz, i tweeted that he shouldn’t run for president because he would be too busy to make the coffee. at least five people pointed out that he doesn’t personally make the coffee. i felt like an idiot. from then on i decided to just listen and learn

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

2 years

man stafford playing in detroit for 75 years, finally escaping to a team that was totally okay but not a super bowl favorite, and immediately winning the super bowl is so funny. god has either forgotten the lions or never heard of them

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Jon Bois

@jon_bois

3 years

i mean i’m sorry but a historically awful team with no answer to anything was not gonna be led to a win by a guy from delaware named joe. not twice in one week

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