Zach Zimmerman @zzdoublezz Twitter profile

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Zach Zimmerman

1 month

so excited to hit the road this spring — assemble the polycule, wearing your comfy clothes, let’s laugh and laugh and laugh. RT if you support me. QT if you wish me ill.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

a tic tac for breakfast, a tic tac for lunch, and 3,000 calories for dinner minutes before bed

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

“can you explain this gap on ur resume” it was then that Jesus carried me

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

5 months

the most mortifying thing in my life has just taken place

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 months

ur niece is Amelia Bedelia

Fulano de tal🌚

@joey_fazo2

2 months

Told my niece to fold the clothes in the dryer and came back to this🤦🏽‍♂️😭

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

6 months

my aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

when someone is really hot and also really nice, it's like, choose a lane

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

it’s nice to see a Call Me By Your Name with a queer person in it

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

ellie

@st4rleena

1 year

How do you serve cunt in a cosmic way?

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

10 months

my therapist changed my life when he taught me there are 4 types of conversation: 1) small talk (weather, etc) 2) swapping (you tell a story, I tell a story) 3) listening (you tell a story, I listen/validate) 4) problem-solving (you tell me a story, I help solve the problem)

Mitchelle Karoro

@KaroroMitchelle

11 months

Normalize not bringing up a similar story about yourself when someone is telling you something about themselves, just listen

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

your grandparents destroying the climate and LGBTQ rights on Tuesday

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

7 months

its called dunkin donuts and i love it

Matt Bellassai

@MattBellassai

7 months

thinking about opening a bakery where everything is specifically made *without* love

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

27 days

me, in a new city after one sip of coffee: “I could live here”

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

10 months

Barbie this, Barbie that, I’m ready to hear her story

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

gay culture is

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 years

New York is done? Sweetheart, the US is done, no need to single out one deck of the Titanic.

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

Ursula enjoying some Cinnamon Toast Crunch

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 months

oOohhhhhhhhh

body pillow enthusiast

@dmndeyes

4 months

I’m at your girls house, peeling her oranges

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

incredible hacks

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

5 months

the most savage rejection I’ve ever received

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 years

sometimes white gays are straight white men who are gay, if that makes sense

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

CNN

@CNN

3 years

US government will run out of money by October 18, Treasury secretary says

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

6 months

my brother in law added “can we see a picture?” KILLED

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

11 months

happy pride to the funniest video on the internet

Vinny Thomas

@vinn_ayy

3 years

a pigeon at pride

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

10 months

I know there’s a lot going on today - @x username stolen, Mitch McConnell demon possession, UFO confirmation, but I think we really need to talk about this orthodontist

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

a lil story about RuPaul’s Drag Race

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

in boston, "Wicked" the musical is called "Very"

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

My ex who cheated on me and dumped me on a plane bought the book ✈️

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

5 months

i even POSED for a picture with the food and smiled a little, but I guess that picture did not take, Akm!!!

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

6 months

we fucking owned Aunt Vicky

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

10 months

I am NOT posting a pic of me in a swimsuit surfing per my bf’s boundaries

juju 💰

@ayeejuju

10 months

wyd in this situation?

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 months

My last joke of 2023 bombed spectacularly. When I got to a small house party, a guy named Matt introduced himself at the door. Moments later, when I was being introduced one by one to everyone, I went “Oh, Matt, I remember you...from the door.” Silence. Profound silence. The…

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

5 months

I could feel I was a bit exposed, you’ll note my hand retrieving my pantaloons, but the paparazzi strike when your guard is down!!

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

y’all I can’t 🤣🤣🥵🥵

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

went with my sister to get coffee before thanksgiving dinner the way people on survivor go the water well before tribal council

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

5 months

@vinn_ayy just a lil doordash

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

character pitch: gay prosecutor who says “bitch, plea”

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

11 months

starting a thread of my cancer season cries 2023 cancer season cry #1 : lady making recipes that people leave on their gravestones

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

7 months

grateful to live in this timeline

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

still thinking about when sidetracks cropped me out

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

8 months

I don’t think my self-esteem is high enough for this app

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

Im fun and funny and dying alone

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

monkeypox lockdown emails will be like “in these precedented times,

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

New Yorkers are like “getting coffee with a friend on Friday, looking to sublet my apartment from 2-3:30”

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

5 months

I’ll be enjoying a slice of humble pie this Christmas

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

11 months

🤔

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

joy is a pleasant conversation with a barista. suffering is being in line behind one.

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

there is life before I saw this video and there is life now

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

although in terms of originality, lil timmy fucked satan first

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

5 months

🤡🤡🤡

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 months

I tried to save it with “Well, my last joke of 2023 bombed spectacularly." Nothing was saved. Worse: everyone tried to workshop the joke. “Maybe 'I remember you from moments ago' instead of 'from the door?'" Someone even thought I was making a pun on “door Matt." It was truly…

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

5 years

No fucks this Pride. This is how I Grindr now.

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

10 months

oh, and almost forgot: 5) complimenting me

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 months

uncut actually

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

this is our generation's "Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day"

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

coffee handing over my mental well-being to wine at 8pm

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 years

RT to save an aged twink

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 months

traitors has always been queer-coded because seeing who actually shows up to brunch is a bedrock of LGBTQ experience

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

being gay is not a choice, it’s a chore

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

ya'll are being silly with these fanny packs over your shoulders. i will NOT be gaslit. i know the SECOND i put one on, everyone is going to remove theirs and point at me and laugh. NOT AGAIN

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 years

@notfolu It’s missing tears pouring down the face in pain

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

10 months

oh yes and ofc: 6) asking me on a date

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

my cousin sent me the sweetest shirt 😭😭😭

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

the best part about being gay is after you meet someone new, your friend will turn to you and whisper "they have the biggest, forearm-length, grandfather clock cock you've ever seen"

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 months

My only solace, a gentle admission from my friend: “We’ve been drinking A LOT.”

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

love can look like anything

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

8 months

A warm welcome to the city of love! 🧀🍷🧑‍🎨😭

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

why are we calling it BROS and not YOU’VE GOT MALE

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

beware: twinks

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

8 months

my mother used Jimmy Buffet’s death to upsell - pour her something tall and strong 🏖️ 🍻🍹

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 months

Maybe “Matt and I go way back. All the way to the door!” is clearer.

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

why do we call it scissoring and not a lip sync

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

straight ppl 🤫🤫🤫

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

He never laughed at my jokes. Once I asked him, “Do you even think I’m funny?” and he paused and said, “I think you’re a good writer.”

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

10 months

studio’s profits are gonna SAG AFTRA this!

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 months

to people saying it should’ve been a door Matt pun, (1) I’m not leading with a pun with new people and (2) I’m not calling someone I’ve just met a door mat. Were y’all raised in barns?

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

10 months

Worth examining what your default responses are, and asking someone what they need in the moment in the convo 🙏

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

damn y’all thanks for all the love — also, in an incredible twist, as of last night, I am no longer eligible 🤓

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

should i...

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

4 years

I want a boyfriend so hot people think I’m his agent.

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

sorry if this point has already been made, but the note behind the note of the HBOMax to Max rebrand is because HBO is known for having gay shit, and they’re trying to distance themselves from that to appeal more broadly to bigots

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

“what’s your biggest weakness” covering my tracks

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

the lane is one-way and leads to my DMs 📥

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

There was a drunk lady at my show last night who kept yelling out. I handled her fine but it was annoying. After the show, her friend comes over, I assumed to apologize, but she said “no. Jerry is someone who makes herself known.”

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

A dinner date cancelled on me 30 minutes before, which sucked, but now my apartment is spotless 🙏 what the devil means for evil, god will turn to good, can I get an amen

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

11 months

harry styles is the hardest working crowdwork comedian in the game

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

10 months

I don't like that the kid got asked to pick a door and then orthodontist didn't even enter from a door - played him

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 years

great day for the alliteration hive

Saturday Night Live - SNL

@nbcsnl

3 years

Welcome to the cast! Aristotle Athari James Austin Johnson Sarah Sherman

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

a first-year at my alma mater reached out to interview me for a class paper about people in the arts (which was low-key flattering). Just got the email to confirm it and the subject line is: An Interview on Failure

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

Sony picked up a copy too 📚 happy independent bookstore day!

Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

My ex who cheated on me and dumped me on a plane bought the book ✈️

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

the sisters only group chat where we share news first so they can be ready to model appropriate responses in the full family group chat shortly after >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

server: how are you? me: good. how are you? server: you know, just cycling through the motions of it all me:...so I'll have an iced coffee.

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

2 years

they call them punchlines for a reason

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

1 year

@simeontsanev don’t let him return it, he already did that with me

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Zach Zimmerman

@zzdoublezz

3 months

met eddie izzard last night and was like, “when I saw you by the door, I was like whoa!” and she said “everybody has to be somewhere”

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