Alf @whoelsebutalf Twitter profile

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Alf

9 months

I know I'm no Tim Vine and I'll never get on any 'Joke of the Fringe' lists, but here's a clip of me telling some jokes at this years Edinburgh fringe festival. #EdFringe2023

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Scientists at Exeter University have reconstructed this 3D model of how Moses might have looked.

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@whoelsebutalf

2 years

This is why they will never let the scottish name Bond girls.

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@whoelsebutalf

2 years

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum's meatloaf. She can't do the voice but she looks just like him.

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@whoelsebutalf

2 years

My wife left me a message saying "The fridge is broken, see if you can get it to work", It was a real nightmare getting it on the train but here we are.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

1 year

Pythagoras walks into a bar and says "Which one is the Hypotenuse?" The Barman says "y, the long face".

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

5 years

I hear that the Arctic Monkeys recently sold a Carpet to the current Real Madrid manager. I bet that it looks good on Zidane's floor.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Lance isn't a very common name nowadays, but in Medieval Times People were called Lance a lot.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Gene Wilder was a middle child, his younger brother was called Gene Wild and his older brother Gene Wildest.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

I've only just learnt that Phil Collins isn’t his real name. It’s a Sussudonym.

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@whoelsebutalf

3 years

[Patrick Stewart Sewing Machine repairs] Lady: "Can you help fix this, i think its broken" Pat Stew: "So you want me to...." *looks to camera* "Make it Sew"

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

My father used to say to me always fight fire with fire. And that's why he was thrown out of the fire brigade. ~ Harry Hill (one of my favourites from Harry Hill)

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

I hired a lawyer to sue Ryanair for losing my luggage. What a surprise, he lost my case as well.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 years

A little show I did.

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6 years

We see what you did there Chris... 😉 #BGMT #BGT

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Father Ted proving that you can sometimes hear an image.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 years

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding. But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible. Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

My English teacher always told me that spelling doesn't matter because in the future we'll have autocorrect, and for that advice I will be eternally grapefruit. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

I hear that the Arctic Monkeys recently sold a Carpet to the former Real Madrid manager. I bet that it looks good on Zidane's floor.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

"I'll be posting a Daniel Radcliffe jokes across all my Social Media accounts shortly" "Do you have a preferred platform?" "Yeah, 9 & 3/4"

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 months

Our local vicar's eye sight is so bad that he has to do christenings in a massive font.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

@thewilsonman No its not, it's Moses, brother!!!

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

>’Enter new password‘ ~ 'chicken' > ‘Password must contain a Capital‘ ~ 'chickenkiev'

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

As Asda is trending, here's my favourite Asda joke .

Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 years

Who decided to call them 'Asda Clothing Supervisors' and not 'George Foreman'?

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Of course I remember Tony Hart but my memories of him are a little sketchy.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

"Spare Ticket for Peppa Pig World, you fancy coming?"

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Pythagoras walks into a bar and says "Which one is the Hypotenuse?" The Barman says "y, the long face".

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 months

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That's whey past my bedtime.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

Banging your mouse on the desk and shouting ‘Come ON!!’ increases computer performance by about 20% #CurrysHacks

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

@Bastardarse Not sure... i suppose if you squint a bit there's a passing resemblance.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

1 year

Enid Blyton's later books had a completely different vibe.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 years

Who decided to call them 'Asda Clothing Supervisors' and not 'George Foreman'?

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

6 years

@thetimes It's ironic that whenever I ask the wife, she seems to have the Flue.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Can't afford Sudocrem at the moment, so using Lidl own brand Pseudocrem.

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@whoelsebutalf

2 years

>’Enter new password‘ ~ 'BaDum' > ‘Password must contain a cymbal‘ ~ 'BaDumTsss' 🥁 #UKPunDay 🥁

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'. I saw it written on a Glass Door.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

The tallest of all the Dinosaurs was the Brontësaurus. It could reach Wuthering heights.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

I always carry this in my wallet, mainly for when the lady at Tesco asks if I've got a Clubcard.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

I’ve finally got a date for my colonoscopy, although she'd probably rather just go to Cineworld.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

I bought myself a 6ft long Boomerang with Characters from 'Lord of the Rings' on it. It's really hard to Frodo.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Cut my hand trying to open the Heinz Salad Cream but thankfully the wound didn't need dressing.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Not particularly warm in Argentina at this time of year! You could say, its bordering on Chile.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

26 days

Slept in my wham! t-shirt and woke up before I needed to go go.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

I'm on my way to deliver a Hamper containing 50 different Cheeses to the Isley Brothers. Some are Bries.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

My English teacher always told me that spelling doesn't matter because in the future we'll have autocorrect, and for that advice I will be eternally grapefruit.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

1 year

Sad News My Obese Parrot died today. It is however, a huge weight off my Shoulders.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

That's the 10th passenger today who's called me a Terrible Bus Driver. I don't know where these people get off.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

FOR SALE: Stringless Tennis racket. £4. No returns.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down Calculator with no multiplication symbol on it. Times were hard

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

My School was sponsored by Ikea. So Assembly took ages.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

I asked the lady at the Book Store if she had any books about paranoia. She said "They're behind you", I knew it.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

I hear Fleetwood Mac are releasing Remastered Albums later this year. Probably just Rumours though.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

Spent the afternoon playing Scrabble with @kylieminogue

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Amazon Prime should only deliver on the following dates. 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, 31st

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

Last year I left my Xmas shopping to the last minute and got all my gifts from Argos on Christmas Eve. Everyone seemed to love the little pens though.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

You dont see many people wearing camouflage jackets anymore, which tells us that the quality of them has improved.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

Sean Connery couldn't believe what he had found in the back of his Washing Machine. It was a Shock.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

Just bought a painting of Feargal Sharkey on Ebay. Good art these days is hard to find

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

5 years

My wife left me because I keep banging on about my Fantasy football team, but in my defence... I have Alexander-Arnold, Laporte, Van Dijk and Alonso.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

Rick Astley offered me a ride in his Balloon, I've been up here for 3 days. I should have known he'd never let me down.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

At a young age I was adopted by a Man called Daz. Or as I come to know him my Non Biological Father.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

5 months

I've no idea who it is but Piranha to win the whole thing!!!!! #MaskedSingerUK

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

When I split up with my Girlfriend she kept all my Kevin Bacon Films and small French Cakes. But on a plus side, I am now Footloose & Fancy free.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 months

I'm currently halfway through reading the book of genesis and not a single mention of Phil Collins.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

My medical condition means I can smell Coconut from 10mtrs away. Which was really helpful at my first job, cos I was a Bounty Hunter.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

How would I describe myself? Well, I've got arms of Jimmy Carr, the Legs of Daniel Radcliffe and a lifetime ban from Madame Tussauds.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Elton John turns to Rod Stewart and says "I've just bought a vintage Rolls Royce for my collection!" Rod: What Reg? Elton: I said, I'VE JUST GOT A VINTAGE ROLLS ROYCE!!!.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

You dont see many people wearing camouflage jackets anymore, which tells us that the quality of them has improved.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

I can't believe Argos have sold out of Treadmills. According to the lady working there "They've had a Run on them"

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Unfortunately my Horse Toto couldn't race today. I left his reins down in Africa.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 years

Sad News My Obese Parrot died today. It is however, a huge weight off my Shoulders.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

7 months

My local bakery accused me of stealing all their yeast. They can't prove anything.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

5 months

Who decided to call them 'Asda Clothing Supervisors' and not 'George Foreman'?

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

I can't help but think that the situation with Cineworld is partly my fault.

Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

People ask how I get around extortionate Cinema food prices. Well, I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve. #LunchPun

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

6 years

>’Enter new password‘ ~ 'chicken' > ‘Password must contain a Capital‘ ~ 'chickenkiev'

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

My wife keeps threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction. I think she’s bluffing.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Looks like my Milk float joke is doing the rounds again.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Nice of my neighbours Pearl & Dean to invite me to their summer barbar, barbar, barbar, barbar, barbarbar , barbar, barbar, barbar, barbecue.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

9 months

Greggs are starting a delivery service using drones, which sounds a bit pie in the sky, if you ask me.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Would I be interested in helping a group of Gregorian monks record an album of Van Halen covers? I'd Jump at the chants.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 months

Of course, i'd never considered joining the Mile High club. That's just plane bonkers. #LunchPun

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

1 year

I've been reading a book called 'the A to Z of Fruit'. I'm almost up to date.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

1 year

>’Enter new password‘ ~ 'BaDum' > ‘Password must contain a cymbal‘ ~ 'BaDumTsss'

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

I used to be Secretary of the British Origami society but had to leave. There was just too much paperwork.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Bars of Soap are traditionally 10cm x 7cm in size or 4" x 2 3/4" if you're using Imperial Leather.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Does anyone know what “idk” stands for? I keep asking people but no one seems to know.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Bruce Springsteen is joining the worlds best Abba tribute band on their current world tour. He'll be alternating which member he is though. When they're playing in England he'll be Benny and then he is going to be Björn in the USA.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Just found out the 'Father Ted quote' cushion I've got is actually made with a polyester type material, which is strange, because it's usually Down with this sort of thing.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Swiss Pronouns be like: 'Yodel they/he/who'

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

8 months

What sort of idiot takes a Pistol to the Olympic games. Me, for Starters.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

Currently listening to an Audiobook called 'Thinking the Unthinkable', Chris Eubank's tells the story of The Titanic.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

1 year

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding. But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible. Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 months

I’ve finally got a date for my colonoscopy, although she'd probably rather just go to Cineworld.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 years

Seeing as Imperial Leather is trending, here's my Soap Joke.

Alf

@whoelsebutalf

4 years

Bars of Soap are traditionally 10cm x 7cm in size or 4" x 2 3/4" if you're using Imperial Leather.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

When I told my girlfriend that I couldn't afford the bills for her Botox injections anymore. You should have seen her face drop.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Just bought a painting of Feargal Sharkey on Ebay. Good art these days is hard to find

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

The guy who invented the Selfie Stick needs to take a good, long look at himself.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

I always find the best time to post a Dolly Parton joke is 4:51.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

You dont see many people wearing camouflage jackets anymore, which tells us that the quality of them has improved.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Crown Paints once sent me a promotional jacket, it doesn't keep me very warm though. Could probably do with another coat.

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

3 years

I've got the arms of Ed Sheeran, the Legs of Prince William and a Life Time ban from Madame Tussauds. #nationaltellajokeday #tellajokeday

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Alf

@whoelsebutalf

2 years

Sad News My Obese Parrot died today. It is however, a huge weight off my Shoulders.

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