Losing it @prophethusband Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

(wisely, with a smile) i don’t know

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

Bet it tastes like egg

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3 years

my mom showing me 15 incredibly out of focus pictures of flowers she took in her garden

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 years

My dad just called from the car to tell me theres a conspiracy theory at IKEA where the showroom furniture are bigger than the ones you buy. He said its just by an inch or so but its enough to make you feel crazy. Its the most ive heard him say in years

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

a cup of coffee should cost $1 and if you want something fancy it should be $2. its fucked up that we’ve all just accepted that a coffee will cost like $5.80

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

how girls flirt: this picture of these monkeys i sent you who are snuggling that’s you and me you are the big monkey i am the little monkey how boys flirt: jesus fucking christ youve never seen john wick what the fuck are you out of your mind come over after work then

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Sorry man I havent seen Inception yet. Im watching all movies chronologically and im still in the 1930s :/

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 years

Women love zooming in x100 on a nice picture you took of them and going “look at my knee here. I look completely fucked. I look insane”

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

bank: you can borrow $600K to buy a house if u want me: wow thats so much money ill literally never be able to pay that back bank: its okay we dont expect you too me: wow! how does that even work? bank: nobody knows! :) me: :)

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Gonna be the first drug dealer here

DiscussingFilm

@DiscussingFilm

2 years

Disney has announced ‘STORYLIVING’, their own residential neighborhoods that will allow fans to “look for new ways to make Disney a bigger part of their lives.”

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

American graduating five years of college at 22: What am I going to do with my life I am so old European about to enroll in college for the first time at 37: My nation needs more experts on Latin America

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 months

Hydro flask. Stanley cup. Yeti. How about just refilling a Smartwater bottle you got at the airport for 7 months

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Smoking weed in 1976: im gonna have groovy sex with an incredibly stinky woman Smoking weed in 2022: if my vape is out of battery I Will Kill Myself

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

just sold a kitchen table and four chairs that i paid $40 for a year ago for $50 . its called having a business mindset . never settle . never be content . all my losses were lessons .

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Diners, Drive-ins and Dives chef: alright we call this the slop bucket. Basically its a bunch of slop in a bucket and we cover it in cheese. My mentally ill grandpa started making it in 1936 Guy Fieri: Awesome job hombre tastes great

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Mother in law asked if I had any wine glasses. yeah I keep them next to my bars of gold and first edition shakespeares. Get real

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Dude high as fuck at the thrift store looking at paintings like he was at a museum

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 years

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 years

(Approaching friend who got too high at party) Hey I just want you to know youre being really weird and everyone is noticing. Yeah youre being a real freak and everyone hates you for it. Anyway im heading home bye

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Losing it

@prophethusband

1 year

Some people can’t stand swagged out white boys

Harrison Faulkner

@Harry__Faulkner

1 year

Justin Trudeau and Joe Biden wearing Mao jackets at the ASEAN conference as Biden meets with Xi Jinping. Can't make this up.

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

hey mom im home for christmas . im going to be eating out your entire fridge at strange hours of the nights because i havent seen this much food in years. i will start keeping the sleeping habits of a teenager and smoke weed in the backyard when i assume youre asleep. love you.

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

donnie darko: why do you wear that stupid bunny suit frank: why are you wearing that stupid man suit me (insanely stoned 15 y/o): what da fuck...

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

20-something in 1958: why it sure is swell that even tho i never finished high school my job at the factory allows me to own my own home and financially support my wife and our three children 20-something in 2018: my boss is an app and i owe it money

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

you should be allowed to bring your buddy to work with you. And he should be paid for hanging out all day

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Losing it

@prophethusband

9 months

Me: Im treatmaxxing Lol. Eating a bunch of snacks instead of dinner Wife: They call that Girl Dinner now Me (looking out the window): Thats not what im doing. I’m doing something else

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 months

Sober from drugs and alcohol. Focusing on gambling at the moment

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Losing it

@prophethusband

1 year

jordan peterson looks like he would say “unhand me” if you got him in a half nelson

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Losing it

@prophethusband

10 months

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 months

Hey bro can you pause the movie real quick? I have to pee and smoke weed and do the dishes. I also have to run to the gas station for a six pack and walk the dog

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

(1st beer) this is good. love this (5th beer) Man This stuff really hits the spot (7th beer) Still good. Hell I might have another

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Losing it

@prophethusband

9 months

Me: (Mumbling as boss approaches my desk) i’ll kill myself in front of you if you ask me to do a single thing I swear to god Boss: Hey can you email me that thing Me: Oh for sure playa. No doubt

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

I’m in LUSH just eating all the creams and lotions . The staff would try to stop me but I have a gun

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

I think Biden would win if he just kept quote tweeting every Trump post with “shut up, bitch” and nothing else from now until the election

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Im developing an app that lets you sublet your apartment for 8hours a day while youre at work. Its called Dwellr and it sells all your data to the saudi government

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

shout out to my mom. im sorry i rolled my eyes when u were confused by pop culture. i get it now. i have no idea who the fuck bebe rexha or lil tay is. i never really found out about the laurel vs yanny thing. im confused and strangely angry and i wanna have a sit.

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

i would rather, and i cannot stress this enough, be stabbed to death

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

predicted this joke a year ago

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

soldier 1 (storming the beach at Normandy): i hope this never ends. i hope every generation has to go through this because it builds character soldier 2: agreed. this rules and needs to be respected forever soldier 3 (dying): pls use a pic of me to scold teens online in 70 years

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

(fat italian in a yankees snapback and mirrored oakleys in the movie theatre constantly moving around and chewing gum): im not a cop i promise im just a cinephile

IGN

@IGN

5 years

The NYPD plans to deploy undercover officer in select theaters for Joker's opening weekend.

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Losing it

@prophethusband

10 months

This answer seems fine to me. I dont know how DNA works. Who gives a shit

Esoteric Technologist

@DoormanForCats

10 months

Why do some fish have disturbingly human teeth? You're not going to like the answer: they have human DNA

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Losing it

@prophethusband

10 months

Its crazy that LMFAO are american. Making edm hiphop with your uncle is undeniably Belgian behaviour

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Losing it

@prophethusband

1 year

Text to homie nicknamed Big Gulp: You make every day of my life better than the next. I feel like I have known you for a thousand lifetimes Text to wife: Make sure the bathroom door is open when I got home. Im gonna come in sprinting

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

The Cut

@TheCut

2 years

"I’m in a group text with about 12 women. Every day, everybody checks in. We each share a gratitude list and a fear list. We started it at the beginning of the pandemic and it’s continued. It’s just such a well of knowledge and inspiration."

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Losing it

@prophethusband

21 days

Practicing for trip to Hamburg

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

that huge baby was born in the wrong time. if this was the 18th century they’d make him the god emperor of prussia based on size alone. Now a bunch of people with anxiety disorder are just calling him a monster

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 years

Girlfriend (reading from notification on phone): babe it says that The Emotional Pimp wrote in Big Boys Chat that he has an upset tummy Me (shaking my head): Told him not to eat all those olives

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

a year ago today i broke up with my girlfriend because she said i wasn’t going anywhere in life and since then i have: - gamed for several hundred hours - punched 5 holes in the dry wall - slept on my friends couch for several months - lost my phone and keys - done laundry twice

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

that girl youre dreaming of is real. the 120lbs asian virgin nymphomaniac who is maternal and loves to watch you game and loves the fact that youre out of shape and still lives at home is real. shes out there. and shes looking for you too.

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 years

Smoking my insanely elaborate bong behind the house at the end of the blair witch project

𝚖𝚎𝚕 ❥

@lemonadeblunts

3 years

This bong lives in my mind rent free

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

bro we’re in out late 20s we aren’t “socially awkward” we are fucking losers

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

naps: dont energize you, wake up sweaty, confused and agitated like martin sheen in the beginning of apocalypse now, wasted several hours of your day, bullshit slamming two coffees and smoking a cigarette: coke energy, sweating but awake, diarrhea at work (stealing company time)

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

Which would you prefer

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

(Being discovered in dungeon where I have been imprisoned for thousands of years) hey man

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

(somewhat younger gf): are you texting other bitches me (typing “going full john wick on the A&W menu later lol” to a groupchat of 25 mentally ill guys in their late 20s): yeah

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

me: can u pass the coffee? my 7 y/o son: don’t u mean...covfefe? my wife: you are too funny, son. now, would you like a peach? my son: i would like to imPEACH drumpf! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 oh man what can i say my family likes to start the day with some resistance

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Getting really high and trying to figure out the settings on the microwave

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

theres only 1 thing i truly believe and that is that being stupid makes you happy. my happiest friend is also my dumbest friend. he once told me he had an interesting observation and that was “its nice to eat spicy food, but not too spicy”. perfect brain.

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Losing it

@prophethusband

1 year

Lofi Beats to Jerk Off or Commit Suicide Too

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

bukowski: i had a shot of whiskey for breakfast. then i smoked a cigarette. im a fuck up. im a loser. this woman is ugly. i want to fuck her me (at 16): this is some real shit, man...

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

boomer: kids today are so sensitive jesus christ you snowflakes learn to take a joke kids these days: 9/11 actually owned lmao i hate the troops and the flag lol boomer (red faced, crying, vein on the side of the head about to explode): ...fuckn

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

(This is a post only guys will understand) imagine a cold beer, and $100 cash

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

when you thought ur boy was only doing irony but it turns out he has some real fucked up opinions

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

sex worker i hired to watch me game (reading from script): poggers daddy youre so good at this. if Master Chef... me: Chief sex worker: ...if Master Chief was real he would be proud of you and also your friend

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 years

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

spotify should send out emails like “your friend just added joy division, frank ocean and the weeknd to a playlist theyre obviously going through some shit maybe check in on them”

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

cutting drugs and alcohol out of your life is good because they make you less sharp . you should always be on edge, always pissed off and insanely close to finally snapping at all times .

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

Ever since i graduated college i’ve been on a mission to forget everything i learned and its going well. im about as smart now as i was when i was 14 . all i think about is food and death metal and sitting by the Computer

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

be a 28 y/o guy. wake up having sweated through the sheets. lay in bed for a while & vape while checking social media. go to the gym. push away thoughts that you are wasting your one life. drink a protein shake. sit by the computer. you dad had kids at your age. its time for bed.

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Losing it

@prophethusband

11 months

Switching from my outside shorts to my inside shorts with the same robotic fluidity of john wick reloading his gun

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Losing it

@prophethusband

3 years

A stranger just came up to me outside and handed me this

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@prophethusband

1 year

Saying “oh biiig stretch” to my 37 y/o buddy who sleeps on my couch

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

using my elon musk flamethrower to cook some bacon for me and le redhead derpina before we watch mythbusters (FTW!!), read some Carl Sagan under our cthulhu blanket O.o and have teh smexytimes...,.my life is pretty epic

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

When i was a teen and first exposed to the internet i would look at the worst shit i could find like rotten . com and pain olympics and it would give me an awful sinking feeling in my stomach and i’d think “nobody should see this” and this gives me the same feeling as that

Saturday Night Live - SNL

@nbcsnl

4 years

This year's Oscar nominee theme: 🎶 White Male Rage 🎶 #SNL

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

every guy on twitter lives with at least 4 roommates, does irony to mask his mental illness, constantly has fast food diarrhea, wishes his friends would ask him on their podcasts and is scared to tell anyone he wants to be a writer every girl on twitter is a lawyer or professor

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Last thing you see before you have a great time

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

the art of being a regular dude: • one (1) pair of pants • three (3) t-shirts • mattress: on the floor • fridge: only condiments • broken pair of new balances • 3 in 1 shower gel • $2500 top of the line gaming pc

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

when he has a $2000 gaming pc that he only uses to play nostalgic games from his childhood, scroll reddit and listen to something called “Cum Town”

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Losing it

@prophethusband

4 years

Why waste your time playing video games when you could simply be rich

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

girls: video games have ruined men and made them weird and antisocial also girls: my sims kids were all swimming in the pool so i removed the ladder and let her watch them die lmao now she has depression and keeps pissing herself and falling asleep on the lawn lol

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

getting high at 16: lmao this rules dude let’s play video games and eat chips getting high at 22: lmao this rules dudes let’s make some music and order a pizza getting high at 27: *barely holding on to reality* what the fuck did i do with my life

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

POV you are a turkish ice cream vendor and you have made a fool out of me in front of my wife by continuously yanking the ice cream away

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Losing it

@prophethusband

2 years

Hey buddy im going to the fridge to grab another beer. You want one? You want another cold one, brother? Hell im heading over there anyway. Might as well grab you one as well.

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

by age 30 you should have: • weird debt that you cant place but keeps growing • wonky knee • collection of console games you never play • started doing the thing that will eventually give you cancer and kill you

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Losing it

@prophethusband

1 year

I hate when my wife throws a blanket over my cage, tricking me that its nighttime and causing me to instantly fall asleep

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

bands and their dad demographics: divorced dads: bob dylan dads cheating on their wives: foo fighters dads being cheated on by their wives: U2 happily married dads: bruce springsteen (happy songs) unhappily married dads: bruce springsteen (sad songs)

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@prophethusband

2 years

100 episodes of Young Sheldon

Screen Rant

@screenrant

2 years

#YoungSheldon showrunner Steve Molaro says there will be a show-shifting twist in the show's milestone 100th episode, which airs on March 31.

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

dad (20 years go): the boy really loves sittin by the computer. bet hes gonna become one of those engineers or design his own program when he grows up me (now, in a groupchat called Da Online Guys): I just wanna eat burger lunch and then eat pizza lunch 30mins later

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

people who wear white pants: - horny moms - horny dads - ladies is commercials from air fresheners - people who came into some unexpected money and are spending it poorly - “spiritual” people who are also extremely horny

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@prophethusband

2 years

Waking up with the vape stuck to my back like a barnacle on a ship

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@prophethusband

5 years

*pausing movie* babe babe stop touching my dick stop trying to fuck me it feels like you dont even care about tarkovsky’s poetic cinema and using the medium to sculpt in time please put your tits away

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Losing it

@prophethusband

5 years

on coke: bro we should start a record label/restaurant combo on molly: bro we should start a record label/restaurant combo also we should fuck on two hits of mid: bro we should dm our crushes from high school and ask them to hit us with their cars

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Losing it

@prophethusband

6 years

lets celebrate the real troops today: • dudes who have “school of hard knocks” under education on facebook • pornhub premium subscribers • people who do their makeup on the bus • bodega employees who don’t ID teenagers • medium essayists • the women who have slept with me

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@prophethusband

5 years

so yeah me and my girlfriend are looking for a third. im a 42 y/o CFO of a start-up. she’s 19 and in art school. we live in new york. we’re very adventurous. she convinced me to pierce my nipple. im paying for her college. we both like to do coke and go to raves.

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@prophethusband

5 years

girls watching FDR a movie 🤝 blanket over their legs

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@prophethusband

5 years

all boys want a soft spoken, even-tempered maternal big t-shirt ponytail gf who carries a big purse that you can put all ur stuff in all girls want a guy with a $2500 gaming PC who’s in a discord server called Da Big Boys

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@prophethusband

4 years

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@prophethusband

4 years

14 y/o named Dylan: take the honkpill. Enter clown world. Society is a joke Lol anyway I have to go to class Mid-30s media person sweating in a studio apartment: Christ. the nihilism is so scary. These people are beyond saving

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@prophethusband

4 years

quarantine is giving normies a taste of the failson lifestyle and its showing how weak they are. Theyre not used to waking up in the afternoon. theyre not used to wearing sweatpants and the same t-shirt for 3 days. theyre not ready to find out whats on tv during the day.

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@prophethusband

2 years

(Drinking 14 beers on an empty stomach, sitting in front of computer 9 hours a day) Here’s everything thats wrong with the world

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@prophethusband

4 years

at the end of the day, this is what we all want

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