Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston Twitter profile

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Paul Eggleston

28 days

Can't quite believe it's all 'Over & Done With'. Had the best time doing 'Sunshine on Leith' with such an incredible cast and crew. Thanks everyone, and to all who came to watch! ☀️☀️☀️

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl last week and now she's making all my decisions for me. She's been given power of a tawny.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 months

[Scooby Doo at an interview] Interviewer: May I see your CV? Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may! Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

I'm running a Beatles pun contest, and I'm getting Paul McCartney to heyjudicate.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

10 years

I had my leg X-rayed today. The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'. I said: 'Inch-high knees?' He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.'

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

6 years

No it doesn't.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

4 years

*Real Life Tweet Alert* My daughter LOVES school. But she's only '2 out of 10 happy' about going now because of bullying, and no one playing with her. This might go nowhere, but please chuck this tweet a like, or reply with a message to show that bullies never win #IStandWithRuby

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

12 years

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

Of course this is just 4 characters, but still it's comedy gold...

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that'll come back to bite me.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

A poet once gave a pigeon helium, and invented high coo.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

10 years

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

10 years

Which calendar era did Michael Jackson most like to sing about? A)BC B)AD

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

9 years

-Hello, RSPCA. -Hello. There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan. -I don't believe you. -Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

My new favourite thing is people with excellent tribute band names #tributebandnames

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

Resistance is few tile.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

7 years

What idiot called it 'Asparagus grown in Northern France' and not 'Brittany Spears'.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

10 years

'Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?' 'Eggshell' 'Eggshell??' 'Yesh' 'Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?'

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

Resistance is few tile.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 months

My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl last week and now she's making all my decisions for me. She's been given power of a tawny.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

6 months

Freddie Mercury's Grandmother: I need an almond-flavoured liqueur, but I'm waiting for one of the supermarkets to do a discount. Freddie Mercury: I see a Lidl's Amaretto offer, Nan.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

NO, *I'M* SPAR TACOS.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

RIP my neighbour who once told his wife that he was just popping out to get some thread but actually went to the pub for the day. Gone, but not for cotton.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

My wife and I met at a 'Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President' class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

6 months

Resistance is few tile...

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

Of course this is just 4 characters, but still it's comedy gold.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

4 years

Resistance is few tile.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

4 years

Dick Dastardly's dog wasn't well so he borrowed another one. It wasn't *exactly* the same, but it was a proxy Muttley.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

There was a young man from Crewe, who took limericks and made them haiku.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

6 years

I just saw a group playing 'Duvet Know Its Christmas?', 'We Quilt This City', and 'Blanket Space'. They were a covers band.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

Sorry to be serious for a moment. I just want to deal with some rumours that seem to be doing the rounds. I'm NOT being paid to promote German filled pastry on Twitter. It looks like some of my tweets may have been misconstrudel. Thanks.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

9 years

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It's a prank, I don't know what else to call it. -Shenanigan? -Don't you start.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

I did a tweet about the Crewe to Holyhead train line once. It went via Rhyl.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 months

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied, Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde...

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

11 years

My wife and I can't agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she's digging in her heels.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 years

I've invented a loaf of bread that says 'Good Morning!' in German. I've also invented one that just says 'Morning!' in German, that's the guten-free version.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

I first met my wife at a 'Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President' class, and I knew she was the one from the moment I set Eisenhower. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

4 years

The macaw that lives on my office work surface has irritated several different Frenchmen with its glockenspiel. I don't know what they're going to do about it, but desk parrot chimes gall four disparate messieurs.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

The patron saint of not being in love is St. Francis of 10cc.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

7 years

-Look, your Ninja Turtle antibacterial sanitiser has run out. -My cool hand gel? Oh. -I'm pretty sure that's Raphael.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

23 days

Bought my daughter a cheap 'Miss Piggy' purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 months

My wife and I met at a 'Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President' class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 months

My wife says she's listening to every Beatles song in alphabetical order. I think she might be up to Something.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

My son wanted a proper drum kit for his birthday but I got him a miniature one and I'm now expecting wee percussions.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

'I have a migraine' - An Italian farmer after harvest.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

Buddy you're a boy, make a big noise, Playing in the street, gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on your face. You big disgrace. Kicking your can all over the place, singin'...

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

I did a tweet about the Crewe to Holyhead train line once. It went via Rhyl.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 years

[Scooby Doo at an interview] Interviewer: May I see your CV? Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may! Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

6 years

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

4 years

I've hired everything for your poets' party. It's the leased haiku do.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

When I had my son christened, the priest used the wrong type of font, so now he's a Times New Roman Catholic.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

4 years

What's tiny and sounds like a pigeon? A smidgen.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'. It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

Is this the best thing I've ever tweeted? Knot by a long chalk.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

4 years

[Scooby Doo at an interview] Interviewer: May I see your CV? Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may! Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

6 years

I've just mushed up a load of Frosties and milk into a paste and used it to fill the gaps between my tiles. They're grrrrrrrout!

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 years

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied. Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde...

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

I'm running a Beatles pun contest, and I'm getting Paul McCartney to heyjudicate.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

4 years

I reckon the inventor of Ovaltine must be a malty millionaire by now.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

For the millionth time I SAID WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

1 year

I'm running a Beatles pun contest, and I've asked Paul McCartney to heyjudicate.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

11 years

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn't like it, but I found the plinth charming.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

For the millionth time I SAID WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of my jumper sleeve, which is covered in small balls of thread. I've been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

-I've secreted a biro somewhere in this room. -You've got a bic hidden? -No, I'm serious.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

1 month

Of course this is just 4 characters, but still it's comedy gold...

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn't like it, but I found the plinth charming.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

PIE S MO GAN Apologies for the massive Rs hole in this tweet.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

I've written a script for a low-budget version of 'The Tempest'. It's just a draught at the moment.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

1 year

I'm in a legal tussle with the red Teletubby over the ownership of a cabbage salad. It's complicated because she's substituted all but ten percent of it with a peppery Chinese sauce, but there's legal precedent because Po's szechuan is nine-tenths of the slaw.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

Just saw The Omen backwards, and ended up Finding Nemo.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

Buddy you're a boy, make a big noise, playing in the street, gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on your face. You big disgrace. Kicking your can all over the place, singin'...

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

6 years

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside? -Not *herd* of bees. -You've not heard of bees? They're flying things with stings. -I know, but it's swarm! -*sweating* I know, it's boiling! But I'm not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

[Interview] -So can I ask you to tell me why you want the job, in just three words? -Sure. -Why want job?

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

-How can I dry my Shakespeare doll on this washing line? -Peg your bard on? -I said how can I dry my Shakespeare doll on this washing line?

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

10 years

I told my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there's a full moon. I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

9 years

Help! I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I've only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me: OVNR.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

Elton John was telling me that apparently, in the middle ages, if mounted soldiers needed a poo they had to do it in their armour because it was so difficult to take off. They weren't happy about it, but it didn't put them off because sad turdy knight's alright for fighting.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

You won't go to prison for punching a tortilla, but you might get a wrap on the knuckles.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 years

My wife threatened to leave me because of my insistence on cataloguing my bicycle collection using French numbers. But once I bought my eleventh, she decided to let bike onze be bike onze.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

15 days

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I'm a wee beaver.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

7 years

Doctor: Who is my next appointment? Receptionist: Miss Day Dr: Err... *sweating* which Miss Day? R: Anna Paula. Dr: *runs away screaming*

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

1 year

My wife says she's listening to every Beatles song in alphabetical order. I think she might be up to Something.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 years

I'm renting a house from the matron at the local ursine hospital, and it's full of inflatable sofas. Doesn't sound great, but it's got all the bear nurse air settees.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

[Rick Astley Club Induction] OK, any questions? *raises hand* Yes, what's the first rule of.. *interrupts* YOU KNOW THE RULES. AND SO DO I.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

I was trying to think of an anagram of 'foolish otters' but then I thought... life's too short.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

My wife has bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary, which is just what I've always wanted. I want to thank her, but I can't find the words.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

4 years

I'm currently trying to sell a thermos with absolutely no capacity for any liquid. It's a tankless flask.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

7 years

[BANK] -I'd like to take some money from my account please. -Withdrawal? -Aaaah'd liiiike to taaaake some muuuuhney from my accouuuuunt puhleeeeease.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 months

If you can't tell me how powerful a French car is whilst locked in its trunk, then I'm afraid you simply don't know voiture torque in a boot.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

11 months

My wife and I met at a 'Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President' class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

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448

Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 years

I reckon the inventor of Ovaltine must be a malty millionaire by now.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

5 years

My wife just poured 'Citrus Fresh' Domestos over the Monopoly instructions, which is a fragrant bleach of the rules.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

I'm starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

1 year

My wife and I met at a 'Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President' class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

8 years

[Tattoo parlour] Me: 'I'd like an insect on each leg, what would you recommend?' Tattooist: 'Ink ant on knees?' Me: '我想每条腿昆虫，你会推荐什么？'

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

7 years

PIE S MO GAN There appears to be a massive Rs hole in this tweet.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

3 years

Ever since my wife was bitten by that radioactive owl she makes all my decisions for me. She's been given power of a tawny.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

6 years

The Queen: Philip... I'm stuck on today's crossword. Do you know which football team Sir Alex Ferguson managed? Prince Philip: Man United? The Queen: Yes, the man I knighted.

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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston

2 years

'At first I was decayed, I was putrefied. Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde.' - Gorier Gaynor

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