Martha Kelly @MarthaKelly3 Twitter profile

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

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Last Seen Profiles

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

Sorry but if we let people choose their own gender then what's next? Something else that's none of my business and won't harm me in the slightest? I mean where does it end?

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

HIS EARS ARE LONGER THAN HIS LEGS

WeRateDogs

@dog_rates

5 years

This is Neville. He’s your copilot. Not the best with navigation but can honk the horn if you want. 12/10 would boop at red lights

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

The reason people don’t like billionaires is because they’re hoarding resources in a world where people are starving, living outside, not being able to afford life-saving medical care. Money isn’t some neutral, abstract symbol. It represents resources. It’s immoral to hoard it.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

PA won’t even start counting their 2.2M mail in ballots til tomorrow. MI said they won’t finish counting til Friday. We heard repeatedly that election night will favor Trump because of in person voting, but that the mail in ballots will strongly favor Biden. Don’t give up.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

I cannot get over people like Stacey Abrams. She responded to a personal loss by working even harder for the greater good. What better quality could you ask for in a leader? 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Love him or hate him you’ve got to admit Trump would look great being carried off by a pterodactyl, never to be seen again.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

He seems like a very happy young man looking forward to a bright and wonderful future! Very nice to see!

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

5 years

PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

I don't idolize Biden and am fine with people criticizing his decisions, even if I disagree with their criticism. But when he makes mistakes I don't worry that it's because he's a fucking moron or a sociopath deliberately trying to hurt people. Which is a relief after Trump.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 months

Yes we’re going to be so pissed that the type of men who prefer robots as partners will be off the market.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

Heartbreaking photos of refugee camp for those fleeing white genocide.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

I’m starting an “EveryoneExceptFans” account where I put even more clothes on

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

@ClintSmithIII Also pay him the salary he lost because of their racism.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

I am forced to admit that something good has come from the Coronavirus

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

I'm very lucky to have worked with Louie and gotten to know him. He was wildly funny every day but could also be heartbreakingly vulnerable. My heart is with his family and everyone feeling the loss right now. 💗💗💗💗

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

Some personal news: have decided to hit ‘em with the ol’ razzle dazzle in 2021.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

Every politician who’s blocked gun safety laws should be forced to spend 24 hrs in a room with parents who’ve lost children to gun violence. Doors locked. No moderators. Face these people whose hearts you’ve destroyed, you fucking selfish cowards.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

My dad passed away this morning. It wasn't a surprise but it's still awful. Here he is in 2018 during a visit to Austin. We had a lot of laughs on that visit and also cried a lot about my mom. Hope they are together again now.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

@Matt_Paprocki @Lowenaffchen

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

There is no such thing as peaceful white supremacy and there never has been so quit fucking clutching your pearls about antifa.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

If you yell "fire" in a crowded theater because you think it would be funny to see a crowd jump up & run out and then somebody gets trampled to death, you are responsible for that. Trump doesn't need to have planned & coordinated the capitol riot. He's still responsible for it.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

I know I’m harping on this but Hitler and the Nazis didn’t say “we’re going to scapegoat Jewish people and murder them by the millions”; they said “the Jews are a threat to the German way of life and we must defend ourselves.” The same “self-defense” rhetoric Fox & the GOP use.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

My dad called Lays potato chips in 2014 to inform them that it looked like their potato chips were being made from potatoes that were smaller than the ones shown on the bag. Didn’t want anything from the company, just wanted to make them aware. That’s a #PerfectPhoneCall

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Tensions boil over

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

@KimKardashian Kindly go fuck yourself

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

We live in a surveillance state.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

You wholeheartedly love to see it

Mark Zuckerberg loses $7B in a day as top brands boycott Facebook ads

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg's wealth dropped as his company shares tanked over 8.3 percent in a day. Zuckerberg is now the fourth richest person in the world.

yourstory.com

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

I absolutely believe Putin wants to dismantle democracy in the U.S. but let’s face it: our no-holds-barred capitalism made it pretty easy to turn our corporate-owned politicians into full-blown fuck-you fascists anyway I’m doing standup in a few minutes wish me luck.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Under capitalism, it’s normal to let children go hungry, let banks force people out of their homes, let sick people die for lack of access to healthcare. But the idea that billionaires could just be less rich - not poor, not struggling, just less rich, is considered insane.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

If any of you try to prank me tomorrow I will murder your whole fucking family including aunts and uncles do not test me

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

I quit drinking 18 years ago today. The beginning part was rough but it wasn't long before I started feeling like sobriety was a winning lottery ticket. Every year I feel that more. Wishing peace and comfort for all my fellow alcoholics, drunk or sober. Hang in there.💗

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

I am saddened by the internet’s negative response to Louis CK’s new standup because I had a new 5 minute chunk about the survivors of the Titanic being bad in bed and now I don’t feel safe doing it.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

How about we stop being mean to robots

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Life hack for folding fitted sheets: stuff them into a closet in a messy ball honestly who gives a shit

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Just found out I’m the worst fucking person alive because I can’t stop watching and laughing at that little dog I’m so sorry I have no soul

Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

me after the waiter says “enjoy your food” & I say “thanks you too”

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Hollywood only has three roles for women: Sexy ingenue Ball-busting bitch Rappin granny

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

@TheNerdyVixen @brendonwalsh Oh no it’s going to murder you

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

As an alcoholic w/ an eating disorder, I have almost ended my own world many times. So I want to say to people younger than me who feel like it's the end of the world right now: sometimes things improve in ways you can't foresee. Don't give up. I won't stop trying to help either.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Irish goodbyes are harder on zoom but I am out here doing the work.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Rosie vs. Barry

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

If he's guilty of a crime, charge him. I don't care if Democrats are charged with crimes they committed because I'm not in a cult.

Tyler Pager

@tylerpager

2 years

Federal agents investigating Hunter Biden have gathered what they believe is sufficient evidence to charge him with tax crimes and a false statement related to a gun purchase, according to people familiar with the case. Via @DevlinBarrett + @PerryStein

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

All these journalists pretending to give a shit about Sarah Huckabee Sanders when really they’re mad that Michelle Wolf called them out for helping to create Trump and profiting from the damage he’s doing to this country. Every one of them can fuck off.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

This is the final season of Baskets. I feel like it ends on a very high note. Could not have asked for a better cast, crew, and network. And to the 35 people who watched the show: I love you and am grateful to you forever. Unless you support Trump. Sorry byeeeeeeee

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Holy mother of Jesus 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

B&S

@_B___S

5 years

This veterinarian has a comfort dog assistant that helps sick dog patients know that everything will be alright

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

*To the tune of Thank You For Bein’ a Friend* 🎵Sorry for bein’ a bitch🎵

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

PLEASE NO MORE I CANNOT💔💔💔💔💔💔💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

Hello and welcome to another round of this great tweet.

WeRateDogs

@dog_rates

3 years

This is Nikolas. He’s an opera singer. Wanted to give everyone a little sample of what he’s been working on. 14/10

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Love him or hate him you’ve got to admit Trump deserves to get eaten by a bear.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

@NoahGarfinkel CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT. MUSIC IS A TOUGH INDUSTRY ALVIN’S PAID HIS DUES YOU NEED TO STEP THE FUCK BACK MOTHERFUCKER

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

Since this is doing numbers I'll take the opportunity to put the pug in my building on blast: STOP NOT WANTING TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME BRO

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Revisiting this gem

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

Normalize 👏 keeping 👏 some 👏 things 👏 a 👏 secret

The Hollywood Reporter

@THR

6 years

Paul McCartney says he masturbated with John Lennon: "It was good harmless fun"

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Hello Twitter pals I’m having a hard time this week for reasons that are no more serious than anyone else’s hard time so no pressure but if anybody wants to reply with a cute animal pic, video, or story, I would really really appreciate it.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

THOSE ARE NOT THE REAL CHIPMUNKS

ABC News

@ABC

5 years

Alvin and the Chipmunks got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Thursday.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

Why

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Just to clarify: instead of the people who have way more money than they can ever spend using it to help the rest of the population stay in quarantine and survive Coronavirus, we are being asked to sacrifice human lives in order to restart the economy?

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Reminder for people who claim they need semi-automatic rifles for self-defense: Hannibal Lector escaped a high security prison with nothing more than the clip from a ballpoint pen. Quit being a fucking baby and learn how to fight.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

@prageru Counterpoint: go fuck yourselves forever

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

This motherfucker set up camp directly beneath an electric bug repellent. Hate to say it but he has earned my respect and can stay as long as he wants.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

7 years

Don't have the heart to tell him this isn't how you make dinner.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

Marjorie Taylor Greene running through an ICU throwing kettlebells at Covid patients

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

When Trump supporters violently attacked the Capitol on Jan. 6th, I was scared but I also thought "at least now people will have to admit how dangerous he is." Now, 5 months later, he still hasn't faced any consequences. For real what the fuck is going on?

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Happy Easter. One time when I was a kid I woke up early on Easter morning and saw my dad hiding Easter eggs around the backyard. He looked up and saw me watching him from my bedroom window and started to hop around. Was not wearing a bunny costume.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

In 2002, my dad leaned on a condiment table at a Wendy’s in Louisiana and it started rolling and he stumbled across the restaurant.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

Would like to see an edit of Mrs. Doubtfire where the first time Sally Field opens the door to Mrs. Doubtfire she takes one look and says “Daniel! What in the world?” Then the end credits roll.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

What if I told you that season 4 of Baskets starts tonight on FX and that by watching you could help us push our viewership into the triple digits?

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Frampton comes the fuck alive

Peter Frampton

@peterframpton

5 years

What is the point of a subpoena if, when handed it, you can just say “No” and we go, “Ok, sorry to bother you”. Raid the f_ckers and get what we are asking for!

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Help that giant cow broke into my apartment and he won’t leave

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Guys I gotta be honest I grew up in California and at this point if an earthquake comes for me I’ll just stay on the couch and die with dignity I’m done running.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

If you’re bashing young people by pretending that their passion, activism, and integrity around urgent issues like racism, climate change, gov’t corruption, misogyny & wealth inequality amount to nothing more than a fragile need for “safe spaces” you are a dumb old fart byeeeeee.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

I mean it’s been a week and a half. They are literally calling for human sacrifice after a week and a half.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

Will Smith should attend the Oscars in a different disguise each year for the next 10 years and at some point in every show run up and slap somebody.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

Guys I’m trying to popularize the nickname “Stormy D” for Stormy Daniels like how McDonald’s did with “Mickey D’s.” Please make this go viral it will be a big win for everybody Dems and Repubs. I’m going to bed early so I can see what it’s like to wake up to a viral tweet goodnig

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

Some motherfucker is riding his loud ass motorcycle back and fourth in the parking lot right outside my window and I am about to GO OFF* *Stand at the window frowning

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

Some personal news: fuck this shit.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

Say what you want about Gen X but you've gotta admit we are speeding uncontrollably towards old age and death. Help.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

If you can’t handle me at my 20 lbs overweight you don’t deserve me at my 15 lbs overweight.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

@TrevDon What is the spider situation on this island

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

I joined Noom today. Supposedly it’s an innovative weight loss program but I am desperately hoping it’s a cult. Tired of making my own decisions. Time to give somebody else a crack at it.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

The majority of teenage boys do not force themselves on girls. And it’s not because they are successfully fighting the urge, it’s because they don’t have the urge. Most people don’t enjoy hurting other people. Beware of anyone who rationalizes or excuses that shit.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

6 years

If the nazis are this far outnumbered at a march, how in god’s name do they think they’d win another civil war? They’ll be in Austin next week (8/19). Let’s give them at least as warm a welcome as DC did.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Putting everything else aside, I still don’t understand why Eminem performed “Lose Yourself” at this year‘s Oscars.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

2 years

North American Tuxedo Seal

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Would somebody please help Cher with Post Office

Cher

@cher

4 years

IS NO ONE GOING TO HELP ME WITH POST OFFICE 🙄

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Barry not 100% sure how cabinets work.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

1 month

@focusfronting Does his bride by any chance go to another school and that’s why we’ve never met her?

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

There’s no way that Trump has ever let a woman yell at him in his entire life so to see it happening now when he thinks he’s king of the world is just a fucking DREAM COME TRUE. I hope women reporters yell at him at every one of his propaganda press conferences from now on.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

There are things I like about Bernie and Hillary and things about both of them that concern me but instead of vilifying or idealizing either of them, can’t we just pick a progressive candidate for 2020 who wasn’t part of the 2016 race and who is maybe under 70?

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

I don’t know how much longer I can continue my noble work of calling people cunts on the internet.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

@emmeneeez I thought young people went to Instagram and Snapchat did they ditch you?

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

As if the country wasn’t suffering enough, this recession might force me to join Cameo to try to capitalize on the 20 people who watched Baskets.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

FYI this idiot is referring to parents opting out of putting their newborn on life support wheN it’s born with a fatal, excruciatingly painful illness and is going to die soon after birth regardless. Cannot think of anything more painful for a parent. Fuck @benshapiro to hell.

Ben Shapiro

@benshapiro

5 years

My wife (who, it is rumored, is a doctor) stayed up all night with my five-year-old because my girl has a brutal cough due to flu (tonight is my turn). My wife then got up and went to work to care for her patients. That's feminism. Not murdering babies outside the womb.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Happy National Accusatory Look From Your Pet Day

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

This conscientious sonofabitch

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

Bullshit. I was a year and a half old in July 1969 and I fucking DRAGGED HIS ASS on Twitter.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

Really glad he's gone but we had some laughs didn't we

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

Barry celebrates making it to the top level.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Cabinet Gary have return

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

3 years

One reason the media might not be focusing as much on Hunter Biden as they did on Don Jr. is that Joe Biden didn't give his fucking son a job in the White House.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

4 years

Find this piece of shit and charge him with assault.

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Martha Kelly

@MarthaKelly3

5 years

As an alcoholic and a compulsive overeater I can tell you that I’ve felt way more shame about and received way more criticism for my excess weight than any of the dangerous stuff I did while drinking. Anyway it’s always fun to be reminded that Bill Maher can fuck all the way off.

James Corden

@JKCorden

5 years

Fat Shaming never went away. And it isn’t the answer

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