Noah Garfinkel @NoahGarfinkel Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

I have made another short film about Twitter.

21

226

2K

Last Seen Profiles

@richh_baggio

@alphatrends

@Skaler_2

@JuhaLavapuro

@neondiary

@higashusaku

@domthedent

@dollsiqn

@Peterlegitgames

@iamcxloe

@hotwife_BB

@jon_eagle

@Gene5AK

@maralinda67

@SUNSfanTV

@mgtexp

@gonukito

@vertigoeyez

@BADGALRM

@tokenfi

@Slap_BattlesRBX

@jaidiaaaa

@NCIAorg

@pantomarcos

@CnatalPicasso

@ceecee_ndaba

@zanewooldridge3

@TheWelshDragon9

@BrysonSpg

@context_girl

@deathpod_

@144_george

@massage4boys

@TheFFOracle

@Kuusogaa

@alcremilk

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

One reason I still have trouble believing crypto currency is money is that there aren’t commercials for money.

2K

23K

262K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

At a weed store you can say, “I want something to help me sleep that won’t make me wonder if my back door is unlocked,” and they will take you seriously, think hard about it, and then say something like, “Have you tried Ooga Booga Skywalker Cake?”

491

22K

257K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

8 months

Their positioning seemed so familiar and then I figured it out.

882

8K

226K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

4 years

I honestly have no idea what a vitamin is. It’s in a banana but it’s also the sun? Sure.

165

17K

170K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

The five year old boy who lives next to me knocks on my door every once in a while to talk for a little, and I am so excited for him to grow up and realize that sometimes I was stoned out of my fucking mind.

192

5K

148K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

Deep in my bones, I do not understand why the Great British Bake Off is in a tent.

407

5K

107K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

Bringing your dad both screwdrivers because you don’t know what he’s talking about.

222

10K

103K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

The “guns don’t kill people” people sure seem to think a book can make you gay.

263

20K

99K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

They changed the ABC song to clarify the LMNOP part, and it is life ruining.

5K

23K

91K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

I AM A VIRGIN WITH A CALENDAR

436

14K

72K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

So embarrassing for good guys with a gun. They are absolutely getting their asses kicked by bad guys with a gun.

126

5K

64K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 months

When a woman gets a haircut, it’s life affirming, she is glowing with new confidence. When a man gets a haircut, hopefully it will look normal in two weeks or so.

58

3K

59K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

8 months

@RegularSizedJon The Gotye video.

69

741

56K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

4 months

It looks like a bottle of cologne for 19 year olds.

Dexerto

@Dexerto

4 months

The Cybertruck in black gloss

834

937

24K

120

1K

56K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

When a movie is called something like Killers Of The Flower Moon, they’ve already lost me. I’m not going to sit there for two hours waiting for a title to make sense. Hotel For Dogs. Now that’s a movie title.

134

3K

55K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

7 months

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?” “No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

32

6K

55K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

Billy Joel should play the Super Bowl halftime show and just sing “halftime show” to the tune of Uptown Girl the whole time.

246

6K

55K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

These are the lyrics to the Indiana Jones Theme Song.

288

9K

52K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

“Wait, wait, wait, what the fuck are we doing?” - any printer any time you click print

96

5K

49K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

Five years ago today I realized one doorknob in my house looked like a bird in a chef’s hat.

81

1K

47K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

7 months

Oh sweet, I’ll just do this.

Tansu Yegen

@TansuYegen

7 months

Amazing tip🔓🔐

535

6K

41K

153

1K

47K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

7 years

Alvin “AND” The Chipmunks? Motherfucker, you’re a chipmunk too!

272

10K

44K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 month

“You have to eat so many vegetables or you will die.” “That’s okay. Everyone likes potatoes.” “Oh yeah, there is one that doesn’t count and it is potatoes.”

34

2K

46K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

But what if Chris Rock had been a woman? And also Will Smith had been a woman. And no one hit anyone. And there were two other women. And they were all living the single life in New York City?

154

2K

41K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

At some point, and entirely without my permission, my brain decided that everything under $50 is free and everything over $50 is a huge decision.

39

2K

41K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

4 years

If ten doctors ever come outside to tell you I’m doing very well, please check on me.

54

3K

40K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

Does anyone know of a good website where I can get a shirt and then also two emails every day for the rest of my life?

121

3K

39K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

Sorry, but I am a man, and if you just did to me what Will Smith did to Chris Rock, there is no way in the world I’m just taking it and not immediately saying, “My wife,” in a Borat voice.

83

2K

38K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 months

Yeah I like Dune. Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune (Seven Nation Army).

42

3K

38K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

When I wrote for New Girl, we did an episode where it’s revealed that Nick loaned Coach an absurd amount of money. The amount we settled on was $71,000 because we felt anyone would be able to recognize it as excessive. Anyway, Harlan Crow has given Clarence Thomas millions.

60

2K

37K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

“Uh oh, what’s gonna happen with thiiiiiiis?” (Picking up random objects at Chekhov’s house.)

55

4K

35K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 months

Just like in general?

34

680

31K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

4 years

“Dong. Ding dong.” -Jame Bond’s doorbell

108

4K

30K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

Bad management, bad coaching, no bench, and no heart.

118

6K

28K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

I grew up in Cabot Cove, and a lot of us feel she exploited our massive murder problem for profit. Maybe keep that in mind.

248

2K

25K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

This opens up cap space for the royal family to potentially bring in Kevin Durant.

66

2K

24K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

4 years

I microwaved some spinach, squeezed all the water out of it, mixed it with parmesan, black pepper, salt, and garlic powder, then coated it in breadcrumbs and threw it in the waffle iron. It wasn’t that good. Covid!

417

802

23K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

My favorite thing about the Giuliani/Trump partnership is that they both for sure secretly think the other one is stupid, and they are both right.

48

2K

22K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

The Little Mermaid’s size never comes into play. It could just be called The Mermaid.

86

821

21K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

Buying bronze statues of other people’s 8th grade teachers is a level of wealth I’ve never even considered.

160

2K

21K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

Sorry I made this.

Brennan Murphy

@brenonade

2 years

"The n-word! Do you know what the n-word is? It's-" *crowd yells* "No no no, it's the nuclear word."

1K

7K

83K

102

2K

21K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

A few days ago, he was telling me a story about a ring pop he got from a piñata, and I said, “Hell yeah,” more than once.

45

269

21K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

One time I was falling asleep watching a PBS Nova about sword making, and then this happened, and I had to get up, put on my glasses, and replay it 12 times.

141

2K

21K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

Moms can’t fathom why you wouldn’t want to meet a cousin a generation older you who lives just 45 minutes away.

76

635

20K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

7 years

Let's see which one of these desperate dickheads can land the final alpha back pat!

179

8K

20K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

Rui Hachimura and Draymond Green giving equally good pregame speeches in Japan.

79

2K

20K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

Imagine a whole year, you little shit.

32

2K

19K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

Shouting, “Fuck Joe Biden!” at this little league soccer game to cheer on my nephew, Brandon.

35

765

17K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

Best part of I’m Too Sexy is your journey when he goes “I’m a model” and you’re like “Got it” but then he says “You know what I mean?” and you’re like “I thought I did but now I’m not sure” but then he goes “I do my little turn on the catwalk” and you’re like “Okay I did get it.”

32

1K

17K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

Why does Michael Cohen sound like John Malkovich doing an impression of Woody Allen here?

330

2K

16K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 months

Rolling Stone

@RollingStone

6 months

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson admitted that he and his son monitored each other’s porn intake in a resurfaced clip from 2022

6K

5K

14K

100

2K

16K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

Here’s a really cool map showing the breakdown of state names by state.

288

2K

15K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

You may love Bernie, and you may hate Bernie, but either way you have to admit you’re very annoying.

66

1K

15K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

I wish room temperature water was as cold as room temperature coffee.

17

622

15K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

They’re always puting that Fibonacci spiral over nature stuff stuff and telling you how magical it is that it matches up, but I never really think it matches up that well. I just go along with it because it’s a nice idea and I don’t feel like arguing.

59

682

15K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

I don’t think one can ever truly know their Apple ID.

50

629

14K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

11 months

The most child-less adult thing I’ve ever wondered is, “Do babies drink water?”

150

350

13K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

(Rudy Giuliani plows his limo through the wall back into Fox News, rolls down his window) “The President did the piss thing! GO GO GO!” (His chauffeur peels off.)

114

2K

13K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

Welcome to my new series, Gorby Parker, where I have Mikhail Gorbachev try on Warby Parker frames.

38

614

13K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

“And then *I* yell CAN’T WAKE UP.” -guy from Evanescence helping write a song

38

2K

13K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

@maxsilvestri The new people in charge of children?

25

314

12K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

Hands down, best use of music in Game Of Thrones so far.

166

2K

12K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

“I’m saying I’m bad at being a bunny. Like, I don’t even eat carrots.”

24

756

13K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

Aw, buddy. No wonder.

12

533

12K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

The woman who owns Buca di Beppo is named Becky di Buppo.

83

480

12K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

New Tweet Coming Fall 2018:

27

974

11K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

Bill Clinton and Donald Trump can share a cell, I do not give A SHIT.

56

839

10K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

🎶 Your Donald is a Sutherland 🎶

27

673

10K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

Does Jeff Flake know that doing the wrong thing with a sad dog face is still just doing the wrong thing plus a face?

35

945

10K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

It’s almost like a bunch of people following rules can’t beat a bunch of people not following any rules.

40

1K

9K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

How the fuck is it always Mother’s Day. This is relentless.

56

686

9K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

No one: No one: No one: Alicia Keys: CAN GET IN THE WAY OF WHAT I’M FEELING

23

2K

9K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

Has anyone ever made this exact video before? There’s a decent chance.

98

1K

9K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

Really enjoying this new boomer attitude that if younger people do anything aside from eating wet cornmeal and watching gas station TV with binoculars from across the street, it’s your fault you don’t own a home.

49

1K

9K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

🎶 Teenage Putin in a circle! 🎶

90

2K

9K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

4 years

Who is your favorite of the Ullman siblings? Tracey or Billp?

81

659

8K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

When you’re at a fancy deli.

23

936

8K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

28 days

Everyone is drooling over Conan all of a sudden as if Jimmy Fallon isn’t still on TV every night playing musical Tik Tac Toe with Nancy Pelosi and Young Sheldon.

52

194

8K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

10 months

“The writers have plenty and are asking for too much, and also we suspect most of them don’t have five months savings.”

30

1K

8K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

Every Republican saying it’s time to move past Trump is going to have to go on TV in like six weeks and be like, “Donald Trump called my wife a slut and he is the best man to lead our country.”

35

810

8K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

No matter what you think of Dave Chapelle, it is objectively funny to go back to your high school and tell teenagers that they’re wrong for being mad at you.

19

335

8K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

I will renounce this tweet for one Bitcoin.

64

85

7K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

18 days

I’m no longer sorry. This is actually the only good thing I’ve ever made.

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

Sorry I made this.

102

2K

21K

63

489

8K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

5 years

“IF YOU DO NOT COME UP WITH A COMMERCIAL JINGLE RIGHT THIS SECOND I WILL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT.” Liberty:

52

813

7K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

One of the singlest things you can do is buy a chicken and eat it for 24 hours.

49

217

7K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

Tom DeLonge coming in with “Where are you? And I’m so sorry,” in I Miss You.

21

518

7K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

Dogs fucking love it when their soldier owners return home from overseas, but they also fucking love it when I, a stoned person they have never met before, pass them on a walk.

18

642

7K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

7 months

@dave_schilling No gym locker is safe provided I have time, materials, and privacy.

2

24

7K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

(Crying in court) “All I did was be the worst.”

chris evans

@chris_notcapn

3 years

NEW: White supremacist Richard Spencer says his life is in shambles. His wife left him, he’s a social outcast, he goes on trial next month for his role in Charlottesville and cannot afford a lawyer.

7K

2K

31K

57

248

7K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

9 months

when u report on the indictment but she keep suckin

26

557

7K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

1 year

Paul Simon: Hello darkness, my old friend. Me, Darkness, trying desperately to remember his name: Oh my god hiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

20

757

6K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

To the tune of Little Red Corvette:

50

857

6K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

4 months

One of my favorite parts of 2023 was when Chris Christie called Trump Donald Duck and thought in the moment that he had just won the nomination.

53

234

6K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

2 years

When you’re way too drunk and announcing that you’re gonna vape.

13

242

6K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

Easy breezy beautiful

7

382

6K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Dune Mr. Sandman!…

28

418

6K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

7 months

I would eat this out of the fridge at 9:45am on a Wednesday.

i like food

@messedupfoods

7 months

would you eat this after 4 or 5 beers be honest

487

238

7K

8

289

6K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

Update: I got covid.

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

3 years

When I was in high school and college, my best friends all loved Phish. Phish was playing all the time. Every road trip was nonstop Phish. And I hated it. I hated Phish. And I still hate Phish. Anyway, tonight I’m going to a Phish show.

27

19

995

82

159

6K

Noah Garfinkel

@NoahGarfinkel

6 years

None of these people should have another comfortable meal in public for the rest of their lives.