michael hirsch ting @michaelhirschbb Twitter profile

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

i’m on the part of the spectrum that’s just like ballers and playaz and shit

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

tiktok is over. this is the best one

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

one’s gotta go

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

french people really have nothing better to do? i know nobody is speaking in this video but it must be france

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

nyc crazy af for naming a place this

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

i went to high school with a girl who made fun of my tattoos bc they didn’t have any meaning but she had a tattoo of the number 20 bc “if u have 20 seconds of insane courage something great will happen” which is a quote from We Bought a Zoo

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

this type of white person should be illegal

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

this is fucked up… i need to get rid of everything in my apartment

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

i’m thinking about you girl, this used to be our song ❤️

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

that boy slumped 🤣

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

NYC quirky af like why was my Weed dealer born in 2010 ??

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

dating is hard bc my ideal girlfriend is a lesbian who wants to kill me

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

just like idk how you go home to your wife and kids at night to tell them you had a tough day with the trampoline and set of stairs to nowhere

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 months

my landlord texted my entire building to remind us to pay rent

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 months

dead ass i gotta stop texting my landlord like this

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

loved my dinner last night had to leave a tip for my beautiful waitress

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@halfaxaofsodom wasn’t wondering and do not care but thanks for the info a lot of people in the replies would kill for that link

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@McMangoLassi dead ass it’s a bootleg swamp

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@emptyflash i gotta stop you right there chief… i love island vibes

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

baruch atah adonai, please let me dunk on this boy

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

i read an article last week that said men can absorb estrogen through the penis during sex… fellas, is sex gay?

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@soymilkmaiden idk she cut my friend in line at the cafeteria IRL and some things can never be forgiven

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@CiggyBam if you can’t tell that i don’t actually think this should be illegal then idk what to tell you

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@tamphopho tell me why i tweeted this in july and have been using this in my standup for months since july and this is now blowing up on here… smh!

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

i make $115,000/year curating spotify playlists for chipotle

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

*at a girl’s house* do you have yarn or like jingly keys i can play with?

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

in middle school someone called me gay cuz i brought a pear for lunch

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

remember in season 2 when squidward lived in an ethnoatate

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

being unemployed is the most delectable prison/vacation hybrid

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

i sharted in the tub :(

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

this is why i’m wearing durags all the time 🥺

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

wanna start saying shit like “ME LIKEY”

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

3 months

why are bar bathrooms in ridgewood like this? am i supposed to develop photos in here?

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@22gthumb only 1 person picked straight thus far— getting mostly geyser and isthmus

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

i cannot believe nyc landlords behave this way

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@abolishcxps why does he look like he has an extra set of ribs in his neck

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

yo deadass shoutout to the civil war that shit seems complicated as hell

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

imo 5 likes is viral, go off viral kings

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@K_A_N_D_E_L drops heat until the bowl is full lmao

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

i don’t like the way automatic soap dispensers behave… i’m not going to stick my hands out and BEG for soap

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

why tf is this man walking around brooklyn with a lantern like he’s bout to get lost in a coal mine

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

i’m on the part of the spectrum that’s just ballers and shit

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@xeenastoopider i mean, he is french, i was right

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

i love texting my dad

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

i’m serving sad and it’s giving lonely

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

11 months

hate that i had to fix this just to set the record

Grace Freud

@GraceGFreud

11 months

agree to disagree ♥️♥️♥️

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

i opened hinge, after a minute of banal messaging i placed my phone on a table, and shot it with a gun

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

ok sometimes hinge has its moments

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

me as the father of my latina daughters

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

dating is so easy because it combines my 3 favorite things which are eating, respecting women, and talking about myself

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

*doctor about to give a colonoscopy* aight bend over pimp

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

my weed dealer started selling merch

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

all this crying done turned me into a savage

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

hi i’m here to pick up your daughter for her breastmilk i mean breastmilk i meant breastmilk i mean breastmilk i mean for our first date

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

this is how i found out my neighbor died

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@corngobbler2020 wack

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

this waitress is either so into me sexually or wants me to go home

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 months

dr. zaber khan… specialist in latina medicine

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

shocked i’ve never been beat up even 1 time

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

my friend explaining babytron lyrics to a girl at the club… and it is NOT going well

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

3 months

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@mariahlleonard get that nasty nonsense out of here!! making point mariah!

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

@honeypluton the binary of physical plane and the realm of time

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

3 years

you are literally the people in charge

Bruno Maçães

@MacaesBruno

3 years

World leaders toss a coin at Trevi for good luck fighting the climate emergency

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

the government is sending me to iraq to do vape tricks for the troops

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

this is the most fascinating thing i’ve seen in so long

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

3 years

this guy a clown 🤣

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

here’s MY queer theory: ur gay

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

so this guy walked into my daughter’s volleyball game and started cheering for both teams then went back to the locker room to offer them internships

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

i would like to apologize to the first woman i ever fingered… rooting around for loose change in there… i just had no idea

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

what eating pussy in the bronx does to a MF

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

i would commit a crime for this rn

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

I’ve lived in New York for a while now so I’m just gonna say it… it’s brick af outside, and i’m being deadass

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

i have such a funny tweet in my drafts but i use the “r-word” but it’s so good so like, lmk if i should tweet it.

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

midwest is an ethnicity idgaf

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

here’s a joke i don’t think will translate well online at all

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 months

@hanfjob he’s always trynna smash

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

this joke is so stupid they told me i wasn’t allowed to do it

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

My favorite part about LA is jerking off in my friends bathroom

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

remember being in a fight with a girl and trying to quell her emotions by texting her "shawty i fuck with you heavy"

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

selling my wife’s dresser

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

if ur balding just chop your dick off it’s over for you

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

ideal blunt rotation 😗💨

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

my dick speaks in Swedish the way it goes bjöing

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

3 years

nice penis… it would be a shame if someone were to STEAL it from you

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

dying my cum green for St. Patrick’s this year

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

1 year

having a crush has me deep cleaning my apartment, i don’t even have her phone number but what if she shows up unannounced… you think i’m about to be unshowered ?? i’m washing my balls like “what if i get impromptu dome” she’s probably at work but idc

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michael hirsch ting

@michaelhirschbb

2 years

is that not what’s supposed to happen