Kristen Bartlett @kristencheeks Twitter profile

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 months

“My eyes see Oppenheimer,” were my grandfather’s last words.

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Last Seen Profiles

@CoachHastings

@iifloory

@DistingtonARL

@RichardA

@iiamSOS

@AmaniBeainy

@K500yen

@kitiona_tone

@D1joe22

@annabelsaladaze

@zimmy1998

@LegitLeyla

@Joko

@athenagpt

@UWTrack

@kimyang190

@xalai23

@ercudk11

@planetpeach

@AnnBonnerProf

@Kevin_Beard9

@Coach_Pavlik

@TylerDowArt

@J_Marsh

@bass_zaru

@jbobalotta

@sophiaamoruso

@DrFrancescoBelc

@VSUBasketball

@TakiDadiotis

@LFHSHornetFB

@goyounjunrg

@Xx17965797N

@umaMinanormal

@dlsusports

@Studiocachette

Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Meghan, we live in the same building, and I just walked outside. It’s fine.

Meghan McCain

@MeghanMcCain

4 years

My neighborhood in Manhattan is eviscerated and looks like a war zone. DeBlasio and Cuomo are an utter disgrace. This is not America. Our leaders have abandoned us and continue to let great American cities burn to the ground and be destroyed. I never could have fathomed this

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

PITCH: "Reverse Queer Eye" - Five straight men come to your house and absolutely destroy your life.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Get you a man who wakes you up to tell you the President has COVID.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

10 days

Anne Hathaway has given me exactly what I needed at every age I’ve ever been, like a patron saint of elder millennials.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

okay, wow, this blew up. please check out my soundcloud:

Black Lives Matter: Support the movement

Our movement is dedicated to ending state-sanctioned violence, liberating Black people, and ending white supremacy forever. Join us in supporting the movement today!

secure.actblue.com

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 months

Kate Middleton has made me understand Trump voters, because I genuinely believe the media is lying to us and I can’t be convinced otherwise.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

I’m pretty sure that podcasts now are just an excuse for adult men to call each other on the phone and have a meaningful one hour conversation.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

I’m not sure who needs to see this but Rick Steves is doing Zooms every Monday night where he drinks and watches his own travel videos with you. If I can help just one person by sharing this, I’ve done my job.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

When I got hired by SNL, I deleted an old tweet that said "Billy Crystal just made my pussy dry up #snl ." I still regret that.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

A comedian’s job is to relentlessly gaslight Miranda Hobbes until she follows you to LA for pilot season.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Help.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Katherine Heigl’s career was derailed for calling the movie Knocked Up “a little bit sexist.”

IndieWire

@IndieWire

3 years

Kevin Spacey Cast in First Film Role Since Sexual Assault Allegations

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

@bessbell This is none of my business, but I've actually read several pages of a book on parenting, and you're not supposed to teach your children to hate ugly cars and oligarchs until age 6. So. I would delete this.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

Mission Impossible sequels sound just like new Mountain Dews.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

@HawleyMO @simonschuster “Orwellian?” I dunno. George Orwell got to publish his books.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

I just think … on like a science level … this can’t be right.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

Most of the people I met in improv classes have left comedy to pursue polyamory.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

My friend asked me for the latest goss, and then we just listed all the unvaccinated people we know.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

When I was 6, I forgot to bring something for show and tell, and I was so upset, my best friend brought me up with her and held up a potato and lied to our whole class that we’d grown the potato together. And I nodded while also crying.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Don’t Think Twice days after getting hired by SNL with my husband whose sketch team I was quitting.

Michael Mann Facts

@MannFacts

3 years

What’s the worst movie you’ve seen while on a date? Not in terms of movie quality, but appropriate “date” content. For me: Spotlight or The Lobster.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Hi, we're the Washington Football Team, and we just need a one word suggestion to get started.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Sir, I am ... a different Kristen, and no network would ever let me moderate a presidential debate. But I would fucking crush it.

Ramon Hyron Garcia

@RamonhGarcia77

4 years

@kristencheeks WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALLOWING THAT POS @POTUS tell LIES ??? YOU SUCK AS MODERATOR WOW #Debates2020 @NBCNews

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Not to compare my pandemic trauma to anyone else's, but my husband just left the living room to go record a podcast inside our bedroom closet, and he brought two plain seltzers with him, because he "didn't want to be in a situation where he needed a seltzer and didn't have one."

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 months

Need to know the messy producer who booked Dave Coulier on the third hour of the Today show and Alanis Morissette immediately after on Hoda & Jenna.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Okay, y'all, Pioneer Woman is shooting from home, and she just dumped 11 cans into a pot and called it "11 Can Soup." One of the cans was already a soup! Someone needs to check and see if she's okay.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

Don’t give Russia your photos to make deep fakes on FaceApp!!! Make them do it the hard way by using your insta, your character reel, and your extensive promotional presence!!!

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

I am proud to work for a network that would never air a Trump Town Hall to counter Joe Biden’s. Instead, it’s airing four episodes of Big Bang Theory.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Remember when DJ Khaled said he didn’t eat pussy?

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

I’ll never forget the day my dad dropped me off in Cancun for my weeklong family vacation without him. You just have to cherish these memories.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Batman Begins, but he doesn’t let you finish.

Joe Otterson

@JoeOtterson

3 years

DC asked the #HarleyQuinn team to remove a scene from Season 3 in which Batman performs oral sex on Catwoman. Why? "Heroes don't do that" @justin_halpern @PMSchumacker

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

Watching Yoko Ono in Get Back and having the realization that if I were her and was invited to quietly sit beside my husband’s band while they jammed and made history, I … would’ve absolutely stayed home.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

8 years

No thanks, ABC's The Bachelorette. I've already seen 25 guys all pursue the same hot girl, and it was my sophomore year of high school.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

55 minutes into West Side Story. My husband: So this is basically just Romeo & Juliet.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 months

British Jeopardy contestants need to unionize.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

Franklin Graham thinks about gay sex so much, he was cut out of Bohemian Rhapsody.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

I just tried to meditate and I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy who almost sucked a stranger’s dick to save the Fyre Festival.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Sometimes I only learn who a standup is when sexual assault allegations against them come out.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

It’s 93 degrees, and I want to publicly and powerfully confirm that @ashleyn1cole was right about Thigh Society shorts. I’m wearing the “cooling” pair that apparently cools your ass 1 degree and folks, it feels like a breezy 92.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

8 months

@mrjasongore "That's what the pizza is for!" -- Don Draper

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

My voting plan and birthing plan are the same. (At home, on drugs, will probably shit myself during.)

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

Did I fall in love with books because I knew I'd get a personal pan pizza for reading them? Or did I become a fat kid because of how much I loved reading? I'm not sure, but Book It shaped my entire future.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

This is very shocking, but it turns out that Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the happiest day to fly with a dog. There are a million kids at the airport, and as far they’re concerned, I’m Tina Knowles and my dog is Beyoncé.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Losing it over this NYT article about having your wedding on September 11.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

God, there is nothing better than a House Hunters where the couple just fucking hates each other.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

My age is: more attracted to Matt LeBlanc now than Matt LeBlanc then.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

@lisa_curry "22"

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Once, when we were visiting him in Utah, our plane landed after 11pm. I suggested that we stop at In and Out for a late dinner, and Jason said "We don't need to. Grandpa said not to worry, because he'd set out snacks." It turned out the snacks ... were Scotch.

Jason Gore

@mrjasongore

3 years

My grandfather died this morning. He was a hilarious, amazing man who served in the Navy, engineered space rockets, loved a good drink and he took me to so many viewings of Batman in 1989. I will truly miss him.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Hollywood Secret: In the first draft of When Harry Met Sally, the line wasn’t “I’ll have what she’s having.” It was “Gimme the sandwich that destroys my clit.”

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

6 years

Woody Allen has made 31 movies since a judge ruled that Dylan Farrow should be protected from him. 31 movies! Meg Ryan got Botox. And we don't let her make movies anymore.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

“Go home. We love you. You’re very special.” - Me, ending every party I’ve ever thrown.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

Just wanted to say that I have witnessed someone pour pancake syrup in their coffee, and that is some real thin people shit. Everybody thinks fat people are out here doing shit like that, but we aren't and we can't. No more pancake syrup in coffee. Peace and love.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

When I was 8, I went to Discovery Place on a field trip. A guide asked if anyone had a cassette tape he could play to demonstrate sound waves. I pulled a tape from my fanny pack upon which I’d recorded “Life is a Highway” off the radio. He played my tape and said, “Well, okay.”

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Someone in my building just screamed “We did it!!!” and I scrambled to turn on the news, and saw we haven’t done it yet, so now I’m wondering.... what did we do?

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

The people who have big kitchen islands don’t deserve them.

jarvis johnson

@jarvis

3 years

what a normal and ultimate spaghetti hack!

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

I am so excited to be developing Big Wishes with ABC, hilarious genius @dopequeenpheebs , the incredible James Griffiths, and @Josevedo and Brett Pirtle who are smart, brilliant storytellers. I want to end this with a self-deprecating joke, but won’t because I’m just too grateful.

Deadline Hollywood

@DEADLINE

4 years

EXCLUSIVE: ABC has put in development #BigWishes , a half-hour single camera comedy from Full Frontal with Samantha Bee co-head writer @kristencheeks

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

I genuinely thought this was an ad for Biden at first, with a burn about how he can calmly walk down a flight of stairs.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

4 years

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

1 year

The AMPTP genuinely responded to a WGA proposal to pay writers for work they’re being asked to do for free by offering a meeting to educate execs on why we don’t want to work for free.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

7 years

Every January, I have the privilege of arguing with health insurance to get them to cover the same birth control I've taken since I was 19.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Dog food exec: I dunno, man, let’s just call it who it’s for. Let’s just call it:

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

Saw pics of a high school friend’s second wedding who I didn’t realize was divorced, so I went on an Instagram journey to find out when the first marriage ended, likely causes, and when she met the new guy. We haven’t seen each other in 15 years and probably never will again.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Weird choice, but I’m hearing that Biden’s VP pick is Tim Kaine, and we all just have to deal with it.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

My new favorite TV series is a YouTube channel where a guy just silently walks around London and I get to pretend I’m allowed in another country.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

If you work in wardrobe, have someone’s sizes, and they show up and you can’t fit them, you might be bad at your job. If you make them feel like it’s THEIR fault for being their size, you’re definitely bad at your job. Kudos to the amazing stylists who do this well every day.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Our vet put our dog on bedrest, but that's like ... already what our dog does anyway.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

My two mantras for the past few months have been “Show people grace even when they don’t deserve it” and also “Buy a second bag of shredded cheese just to be safe.”

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

I’m listening to *NSync’s No Strings Attached, and you can just hear how hard 9/11 hasn’t happened yet.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

8 years

. @MELANIATRUMP , when you fire up your anti-internet bully initiative, please start with @AnnCoulter .

Ann Coulter

@AnnCoulter

8 years

Without fat girls, there would be no protests.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

I'm so lucky to have been part of the incredible team at Full Frontal along with my partner-in-crime @MikeDrucker . I'm especially grateful to @iamsambee . Sam has had my back since Day 1. She pushed me to grow when I couldn’t see it for myself.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

We just gave a ride to a stranger who is fat who told us she asked us because we are also fat. And during the ride, she pointed out how we are all fat, so we understand each other, but that, like her, I am both fat and short, so we *really* get each other. Anyway, I miss her.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

8 months

Late night writing can be a slog, but I know Lauren Boebert Beetlejuice Handjob would’ve sustained me for months.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Oh no, I just realized I’m attracted to Vision when he’s a robot but not when he looks like a person, and I have to wait a whole week before therapy.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

1 year

A random man at LAX: “A lot of people don’t know that Monica Lewinsky was the instigator.” His friend: “The aggressor.” Jason: “Here we go.” Me, walking by, screaming into the air: “She was a 21-year-old unpaid intern and he was the President of the United States!”

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

A funny thing is when you block someone for being an ass, and then they post a picture that you blocked them, because they’re proud of being an ass.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Pen15 has seen into my soul, and it knows about the time in middle school when my mom and I were in a dressing room at Montgomery Ward, and I called her a bitch, and she called me a bitch back.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

We were never meant to know the worst thoughts and opinions of strangers.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

When 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' sent my check, I'd never seen so many zeros in my life, and I carried it like it was about to explode to a bank in Manhattan. I was sure the teller would look up at me and be like, "Oh wow." But they just deposited it, and I went back to work.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

The very worst part of Twitter is being reminded of failed Project Runway contestants you haven’t thought of in 15 years and realizing they want you dead.

Santino Rice

@SANTINORICE

3 years

You don’t need a vaccine, you need to eat better.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

Half of our marriage is Jason begging me not to start a conversation with strangers at the next table and the other half is me begging him not to raise his hand at a Q&A.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Today, a little kid told me she liked my shoes from the bathroom stall next door while her mom begged her to be quiet, and I genuinely rode high on that compliment all day.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Nearly everyone in my family has a comorbidity, and that’s probably true for your family, too, and none of them deserves to die for it.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

We got takeout yesterday and I asked Jason to check to make sure they gave us bread. And the woman giving him the bag said “I just put the bread in,” so he didn’t check. And when we got home, there was a small bag with the word “bread” written on it and no bread inside.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

5 years

A cool side effect of writing about weight on a political comedy show is that I now receive unsolicited diet advice from people who believe in the deep state!

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

Detroiters continues to be a perfect show.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

Benedict Cumberbatch asked me what a manatee was.

Lauren Modery

@Hipstercrite

2 years

Tell me the strangest interaction you've had with a celebrity.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

At the beginning of quarantine, we trained our 15 year old dog to use a pee pad on the balcony to cut down on trips in the elevator. Now, he’s never going back, and he’s using it as currency for small bits of reward ham. This is the face of a dog who can pee every hour.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

When I was a teen, I would listen to *NSync Home for Christmas, the sexiest and most romantic Christmas album ever made and dream of the day my future husband and I would listen to it together during our sexy and romantic holidays alone. Anyway.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

People ask what it's like to write a late night show during a pandemic, and I guess my answer is that in tonight's Full Frontal, I put in a reference to Skipper from Sex and the City, and everyone was too tired to say no.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

I’m proud of this segment from a year ago, not because we ended up being right, but because we had more than one conversation about whether the phrase “pool boy” was classist before going with “pool guy.”

Samantha Bee

@realsambee

5 years

Sam gets to the bottom of whether evangelical right winger, Jerry Falwell Jr., was secretly involved with his pool boy...and then got Michael Cohen to cover it up. As told to Tom Arnold.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

“I think they’re getting better at pizza there.” - @sonicdork , optimistically, one month before we move to LA.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

Just think ... this is exactly how we'll be watching the Emmys again next year. #Emmys

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

I don’t need to do any research to know that I’m related to this person.

American Paintings

@met_ampainting

3 years

Martha Bartlett with Kitten, ca. 1860 #themet #metmuseum

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

2 years

At IHOP, we know you’re done. We know you’ve been through hell and back. That’s why we’ve taken your favorite pancakes and put blue on them. Because you’re not going to accomplish anything else for the rest of the year. Check out … with IHOP.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

7 years

I love you like a boring person loves Cards Against Humanity.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

4 years

For all of the people who apparently think this is me coming for podcasts... (???) this was a gentle joke about my podcast producer husband who now produces from beside me in our one bedroom apartment.

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

@abbygov Sometimes the extra security is worth it.

Is Tucker Carlson a White Supremacist? | March 13, 2019 Act 1 | Full...

A number of deeply upsetting comments from Tucker Carlson were recently unearthed, but he's different now: before he was saying them on the radio and now he'...

www.youtube.com

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Kristen Bartlett

@kristencheeks

3 years

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has texted me today or called or sent flowers. It has been a pretty tough day for someone who thought SHE was the one who brought sexy back to chess.

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