jame @kloogans Twitter profile

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jame

2 years

too many generic kid names like "chris" and "jake" out there. if i had a son i'd name him something bad ass. like "the shovel"

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

every 10 likes ill make his forehead longer

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@kloogans

2 years

do animals know we're wearing clothing or am i traumatizing my cat every time i peel off my socks

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

pretty fucked up that my body, a chemistry lab made of meat, simply chooses to make me feel a little bit nervous for no reason

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

sex is cool but have u ever left ur house without having to explain to someone where ur going and why

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

enough is enough. every 10 likes i'll make his face smaller

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

me: [opens fridge] bag of decaying broccoli: pleas- me: [closes fridge]

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

ngl i thought vampires sucked blood through their pointy teeth. like teeth straws. im an idiot

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

fuck drugs have u ever moo'ed at a cow and had it moo back at u

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

most garbage design ever made

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

how can you look a newborn baby in the eye and name it bruce

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

writers love saying things like "he had a toothy grin" what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. "he walked feetily into the kitchen" that's how you sound

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

my cat with a $20 toy: no thanks my cat with the mcdonald's straw i dropped on the floor: u are my vice. my muse. 𝓂𝓎 𝓈𝑜𝓊𝓁𝓂𝒶𝓉𝑒

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

[pausing sex] do u want a capri-sun

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

i'm throwing slices of ham into the hurricane so it rains ham on random houses and people are like wtf is happening. hamcane baby. that's what's happening

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

ur honor are u mad at me

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

"i will not be manipulated in my own fucking house" i shout as i reach for my cat's treats again

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

whenever i smell weed my body starts to float and follow the source of the smell like a cartoon smelling a freshly baked pie in a window

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

what if jesus was named keith instead. keith christ

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

i bet couples who go bird watching together fuck pretty hard after they see a rare bird

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

how high do bugs fly is there a point where they're like nevermind

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

my cat: i'm gonna freak out if i don't get food right now me: ok here's ur food my cat: lol. you fool. you fucking fool. i wasn't even hungry this whole time

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

it is time. every 10 likes tate's head will grow

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

"ur so quiet" i took too many edibles and i am getting sucked into my hat please help me

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

[pausing sex to go pet my cat] he gets anxiety

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

i hate when i'm in the same place as a baby and when everyone starts laughing at an adult joke the baby laughs too. u don't even know what we're talking about. u fucking liar

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

we've tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

i am 17k in kohl's cash debt. they sent the kohl's police after me and they killed my brother

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

me with 100 dollars: i need to create a budget. it is time to be responsible me with 1000 dollars: i am going to buy my cat a skateboard

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

im gonna fucking do it

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

hello fresh sent me a gun

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

im very stoned and a pelican landed in my front yard and i creamed at the top of my lungs

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

oh fuck

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

i hate apple music so much

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

this new ui is a nightmare. who the fuck is derek

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

the moon!!!

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jame

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1 year

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

wild how it's glowing now lmao hes such a fucking nerd

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

extra slutty olive oil for me thanks

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

i hate toasters so much why can't u just raise the finished toast in a more calm manner

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

love tj maxx. where else can u get a batman shirt that's been sneezed on and also an expired box of hot chocolate mix made by a small company in new jersey that went out of business 3 years ago

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

medieval dick must've smelled like old bologna idk how people made it through that

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

hes so evil even with a long forehead

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

trillions of microorganisms working together make me sentient: hell yea we're doing it team me: god this sucks so bad

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

dont ever fucking tell applebees it's ur birthday. they just put me in the box of bees for 10 minutes

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

3 hours into the 1000mg edible

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

idk why everybody is freaking out. just tell it to smoke some weed

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

whenever she shows me a titty i shout "yippee!" and "wahoo!" like mario

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

i always wondered what he was gonna do with all of our data it all makes sense now

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

no fucking way

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

friend: my wife left me. i got laid off. my kids wont speak to me. i cant do this anymore me going through an "i just got a bidet and need to tell people about it" phase: you know what would help with all of that

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

is that a parallel earth

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

outside cat: my god. is this leftover garbage? how did i get so lucky inside cat: this tuna isn't gluten free. are you serious. i'm gonna beat the shit out of you

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

oh he's going through it destructively classic mark

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

36 teeth is too many. we should have 1 long tooth on each gum

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

knocking her pussy closed with my hips after sex like a refrigerator

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

last time i ate shrooms i chewed on a rock for 2 hours because i thought it was a chicken nugget and to this day it was the most delicious thing i have ever eaten

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

going to public school in florida was awesome. my 3rd grade teacher had us dissect frogs and it wasn't even to teach us anything. he was just like "isn't that fucked up"

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

i wouldve jacked off while the titanic was sinking i can tell u that much

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

the duolingo owl should try harder to get me to come back. it should offer me cocaine

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

me when somebody hits my car: unfortunate but life goes on me when i hear somebody chewing food: im gonna make u go missing. ur family too. the dog even

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

bold statement coming from somebody who looks like she stole mr potatohead's lips

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

he's in ur atoms

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

robber: put ur hands up. this is- me: a robbery. i know. i'm an empath

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

theyre kinda cute with the right music

Russell Brand

@rustyrockets

1 year

What are they preparing for?

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

i was at disney world once and i saw goofy break character to drink some water and the managers came out and beat him with bats

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

"ur so quiet" thanks i took too many edibles and idk where i am

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

sunday nap time. time to be a sleepy little guy. cant wait to wake up scared and confused in an hour or two

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

elim misk

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

whenever she sends me a titty pic i get the zoomies

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

i have been made aware of this

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

groceries are so melodramatic. i took a left turn. i didn't drop kick u across the back seat relax

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

[about to have sex] her bending over: u can do whatever u want me putting on the matrix: hell yea. ur so cool

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

i am the fastest photoshopper alive

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jame

@kloogans

1 year

"do u want to go to the bar" no my brother i want to lay on some warm rocks like a walrus

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

oh he figured it out

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

trying to summon my weed pen like thor's hammer

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jame

@kloogans

2 years

i'm interviewing for my dream job at nasa. "how are ur coding skills?" they ask. "out of this world" i joke nervously. a tear rolls down the interviewer's cheek. the walls start to vibrate. several engineers scurry in and write math on me with sharpies. i begin to levitate

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jame

@kloogans

3 years

going up again i guess