kevinbiegel @kbiegel Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

kevinbiegel

11 months

Hi all! Today “The Machine” is available to download at all the usual places. Thank you in advance for buying renting watching! Love, Kevin #TheMACHINEmovie

9

17

128

Last Seen Profiles

@rosenberg

@xnagano

@NikilisRBX

@Fheizhi

@ginkgo_kooo06

@stw_pdg

@BluefireMochi

@CommonsHclg

@Teesumms

@HONEYPROJECTT

@CoreDaoID

@CuitlahuacGJ

@MadokaDaily

@adeboot

@xReal_CS

@lucero_raf92028

@janlochel

@lillyvivvi

@bby_araa

@Lazee__B

@DuaneBratt

@JadenKnowles2

@JONHEEP1

@nn_dgg

@LBSMEC

@TheChefJulius

@nsachdeva2019

@ibokeys

@scjaayy

@urbabesierra

@hxnchoo3xx

@1975quarterback

@2000sphase

@PeralesOficial

@Aymanff55

@haytaesan

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

Favorite new thing: Scratching haunting things into bananas at the market so when people take them home hours later and the words appear they think a ghost knows their secrets.

941

44K

149K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

I need to go for a walk

418

2K

27K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

7 years

"Do you have any bird houses I could have sex with?" "Sir, we only have bird houses you can have sex with."

154

8K

22K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

My sister take her kid’s Nintendo Switch away at night, so the kids made a fake Switch and tried to swipe the real one and put the fake in its place.

194

2K

19K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

This post on Reddit is one of the best, most terrifying short stories I’ve ever read about aliens.

126

4K

15K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Daughter’s birthday is coming up. She’s obsessed with The Owl House. But they don’t sell an Owl Staff. Solution? Make one for her.

111

1K

14K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

Watching the Game Of Thrones first episode and there a guy in the background with a straight up Patagonia jacket, blue jeans and boots

258

3K

13K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

8 years

Never forget that David Lynch is a national treasure

27

3K

8K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

8 years

I love you, unnamed little girl having tea with hawk and lobster. You may be lost to history, but you're my hero

81

4K

8K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

HOLY SHIT. Bravo to whoever is maintaining the “Cheers” preview page on Netflix right now

38

2K

6K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

Damn ⁦ @lizzo ⁩ is in the rain, singing to fans, I love her

10

241

5K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

May favorite part of Avengers 3 was Doctor Strange watching Avengers 4

23

2K

5K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

WHO MADE THIS??

24

1K

5K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

I will now rank the Marvel films According to the names my Mom calls them 10 Tiny Guy 9 The One With Him, From Your Father’s Favorite Show 8 The Funny One 7 The Other Funny One 6 Oh I Like Her! 5 That One Was Neat 4 So Loud! 3 Wow! 2 Mister Armor Something? 1 Swing Boy

63

402

5K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

To anyone questioning the timing of AOC, Trauma is not something you just "deal with." It's not a cut and dry 1+1 = 2. It took me 10 years -- of work -- to come to terms with my heart attack. No one speaks out IMMEDIATELY after a trauma. This is real. Listen to her. Please.

42

426

5K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

It is comforting to know that at the heart of our nation’s defense system there is a Taco Bell

45

676

4K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

I honestly think 2020 turned a corner when that video of the guy drinking cranberry juice went viral

10

467

4K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

Vegan brisket experiment was a success! 18 hour smoke over oak. Is it beef? Nope. But the taste/texture are pretty great. Mix of jackfruit, seitan, miso, beer, Franklin BBQ sauce made w extra sugar so it carmalized to a crust — and it did! Plus I don’t feel gross after eating it!

644

245

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

So this is what Santa Claus does the other 364 days a year

8

453

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

“So, what’s Wes cravin’?” — the world’s worst waiter to horror icon Wes Craven

53

203

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

I don't care if you're right or left -- the way Psaki takes this guy on and takes him apart is boss. We had four years of Press Secs lying, evading, not being able to handle real questions. If it make you feel weird to see someone actually able to do their job? That's on you.

Acyn

@Acyn

3 years

Question: Is the tone going to change out of the White House? Psaki: The tone for a bill that limits voting access and makes it more difficult for people to engage in voting in Georgia?

2K

7K

49K

63

259

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

8 years

You wanna know what's up with the youth of today? You go to millennial expert Morley Winograd

60

2K

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

How is this man not on SNL or fudge that, give him his own sketch show on Netflix. When people say make your own stuff, this is what you should aspire to. Funny as hell, smartly written and directed and acted, clever, shit... this is humbling and amazing and Mark is brilliant.

36

286

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

Dear @MLB , If the fans behind home plate are now all cardboard... why is there still a safety net? I will totally start watching baseball if it means I can see a ball knock over a cut out or even a whole row if someone rips a sweet liner Please consider this idea Love, Kevin

39

461

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

MacReady survived the end of "The Thing" because he was picked up by Santa and brought to the North Pole MacReady then killed Santa for being a bitch, assumed Santa's role, and his adventures are chronicled in "The Christmas Chronicles" films. These films = same universe

87

388

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

8 years

Bill Murray dies. He wakes up and lives this day over and over again into eternity. Doesn't try to change a thing. It's his heaven.

11

795

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

@bergopolis Banana grams: The Movie.

11

117

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

Taken from reddit. The last line floored me. Maybe someone needs this tonight. God bless ❤️❤️❤️

35

338

3K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

2021 is already fucking wild

18

224

2K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Tardigrades look like they dress in Yeezy

26

131

2K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Gather round, youth of today, and let me tell you a tale

143

156

2K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

I love Christopher Nolan but he always looks like he should be yelling at Paddington

15

240

2K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

The situation at the Oscars was awful. Those of us with kids will have to do some heavy lifting and try to explain the situation like responsible adults. So if your kid asks what happened, kneel to their level, look them in the eye and say, “The James Bond tribute made no sense.”

12

195

2K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

8 months

This is the heaviest joke I’ve ever seen I feel like I could write a very depressing novel about this This is art

16

178

2K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

No seriously wtf is this?

165

301

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

Reader. I tell you, when you get to the name of the book this story is a part of at the end of the story... Holy fuck this is so so so so so so so bad on so many levels.

I met my soulmate and ended my 14-year marriage

He took her breath away and changed her life forever.

www.smh.com.au

97

127

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

I finally saw Into The Spiderverse. It's even more brilliant than people told me. I'm kinda speechless. Characters are excellent, script is Back To The Future level tight/smart, it's gorgeous + it's so anti the "kewl" notion that these films can't be super emotional. Wow.

16

132

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 months

Of course I did

61

32

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

No. Sam Lloyd was one of the nicest, funniest, most talented people ever. What a horrible, horrible loss... what a kind man. Shit. Shit. Shit.

20

78

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

When does Tenet go into production? I have the DVD and but haven’t watched it since the 10 year anniversary screening.

31

99

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

10 months

Stop Taking Pictures In Movie Theaters It Is Not Your Living Room Please?

18

211

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

Daily reminder that a young Michael Shannon was in Groundhog Day

36

224

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Your mom was shot dead. Your grandma was shot dead. Your friend or wife was shot dead. The police officer describes it as "a really bad day" for the suspect. Not one of you -- Democrat, Republican, Evangelical, Atheist -- who would be fine with that. Not one. #StopAsianHate

5

286

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

If Tenet really wanted to commit they should’ve put the end credits at the beginning of the movie.

16

132

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

NOTE TO SPOUSES OF WRITERS IF THEY TEXT YOU A JOKE THEY WROTE IN A SCRIPT AND SAY 'I THINK THIS IS THE FUNNIEST JOKE I EVER WROTE' PLEASE DO NOT TEXT BACK 'Hmm' PLEASE WE ARE FRAGILE

43

77

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

guys, Biden drilling farts in front of the monarchy is just gonna make people like him more

170

83

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

Congrats to Anna Kendrick and Bill Hader, a lovely couple

32

53

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

When you get to the part of the book where they say the name of the book

28

116

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

A good day to remind people that a) there is NO shame in going to therapy and b) I once accidentally texted my therapist a picture of the Tri-Force from The Legend Of Zelda

18

189

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Softshell Crab sandwiches just look like crabs disguised as sandwiches that so they can attack you the second you pick them up

39

148

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

My grandma prints out every email joke forward she gets and tapes it in a book. In the last picture Grandma even punched up the joke!

18

156

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

@JordanPeele Fixed it, buddy

6

27

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

28

152

1K

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

8 years

I am the father of two daughters and I love the man they have made me become. Thank you, daughters.

16

44

970

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

if human beings were cars we would get the shittiest mileage. A fox can eat a pigeon a week and he’s good. I had three hot dogs for breakfast and I’m exhausted.

23

65

998

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Make a new Superman movie Use the original Williams' score Forget all continuity, just make it Superman Use Cavill because he's excellent Do not let an exec who uses the word "gritty" within a county mile of it Let the thing be hopeful and fucking amazing -- Kevin's prayer

139

99

947

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

This looks like two shape shifting aliens that are trying to blend in and one of them has no idea what it’s doing

23

113

949

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

I call this “The Patton.” cc ⁦ @pattonoswalt ⁩

42

14

946

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

Co-created a show called Cougar Town

VICE

@VICE

7 years

In six words, what's the drunkest you've ever been?

3K

668

3K

30

40

888

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

5

95

901

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Want to feel old? 1998 was as far in the past from 2021 as 1913 was from 1988.

139

76

887

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

14 years later… My parents still have cans if Booty Sweat in their house.

18

57

871

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

2, 4, 6, 8 Who’s a molting invertebrate

3

93

863

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

@morgan_murphy bud but buddd (all answers after this are some version of 'it's the only way to take down the system also i'm a selfish narcissist')

12

16

825

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

HAHAHA WHO DID THIS?

10

116

835

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

yeah her name's Alison Brie she's great

MCU - The Direct

@MCU_Direct

4 years

RUMOR: @MarvelStudios is reportedly searching for an “Alison Brie-type” actress to cast as the MCU's #SheHulk !

369

606

5K

10

78

778

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Live view of the White House as Trump leaves for the last time

11

132

779

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

One of the most absolutely brilliant scenes ever Ever Ever Ever 45 seconds. Not even a full page of dialogue And it sets up a lifetime of wonder Bravo ⁦ @ed_solomon ⁩ #meninblack

24

74

793

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

Don’t be a dick Treat people with kindness Everyone is equal Realize when you fuck up Apologize Keep working Being alive is a gift — my mantra after 8 chocolate liqueur shots. I am gonna hork.

19

88

776

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

“They’re more spacious than you think! They’re more spacious than you think!”

26

154

786

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

9 months

Twitter is a fun place to have people who don’t work in your industry explain how an industry you’ve worked in for 20+ years works

23

99

772

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

Lotta gross stuff on the web, but if you’re getting clicks by “exposing” a working actor because of where he works to provide for himself and his family between gigs? You’re a piece of shit. That story makes me like him even more. This job is hard. Do what you need to get by.

10

43

759

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

8 years

The system clearly damaged, God attempts to reset the Earth computer using binary code

13

472

746

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Our house in LA was built in 1908, and every once in a while when we’re digging up the back yard we find old stuff. Today it was this little (ceramic?) figure of a little boy.

90

36

745

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

“Go straight to Hellboy.” — what Joe Strummer would say to the clientele if he worked in a comic shop

11

63

730

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

Our 4 year old daughter wanted to play Moana while I walked her to school so we made a sail for her wagon together and then this happened and my heart exploded

23

119

740

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

9 months

If you wanna know why any CEO is upset at the guild not taking the deal it’s because the guild wants more transparency w viewership. If that becomes a reality it’s gonna reveal a lot less people are watching the streaming services than we’re told and it’s gonna tank stock prices

18

126

702

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

If you’re fortunate enough to not know trauma - and I know we all handle trauma differently, we’re all different humans - please, at least try to understand the concept of empathy. We must support each other and never let shame overcome need for love/support #WhyIDidntReport

5

127

670

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

8 years

You can't tell me this isn't a cut scene from the 1996 PlayStation 1 game "Warhawk"

10

93

630

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

@Sethrogen Was your dad successful in defeating Smaug?

14

2

657

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Me: Every December, my family travels to Wales for the Mari Lwyd* festival. People travel house to house singing or reciting poetry. We even dress up! You: Aw that sounds lovely! Me: It is! Wanna see some pictures from it? You: Oh sure JESUS FUCKING CHRIST *this is real

16

160

654

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

When you at a party and tell people you’re a TV writer

11

35

650

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

That's what #Maclunkey means? This changes everything.

2

131

626

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

In an attempt to appear cool and hip for today's youth, the NRA just unveiled their new spokesman. (props to @pattonoswalt for inspiring this joke with one of his tweets)

24

84

601

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

6 years

Called it 5 years ago!! Congrats @JordanPeele !!!!!

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

10 years

Jordan Peele will win an Oscar someday.

12

189

526

6

80

618

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

He’s a racist who literally has been doing racist hateful shit since high school in Santa Monica but go on. You lost. You lost the power. Now you’re getting judged for your hate and lies. Love, Kevin

Kayleigh McEnany

@kayleighmcenany

4 years

Stephen Miller is one of the most talented, intelligent & kindest people to work in President @realDonaldTrump ’s administration! The attacks on him are outrageous, unfounded & engendered by leftist partisan hacks who know how invaluable he is to the administration!

24K

5K

30K

8

52

602

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

This is the Queen about to knight a man but it also looks like the “Get Ready, Fight!” screen of the world’s most messed up fighting game.

21

158

597

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

Being a fan does not mean you own the material. Being a fan does not mean you own the material. Being a fan does not mean you own the material. Being a fan does not mean you own the material. Being a fan does not mean you own the material. Being a fan does not mean you own the ma

The A.V. Club

@TheAVClub

5 years

There’s a petition begging HBO to “fix” #GameOfThrones , and it’s 16,000 signatures strong

257

104

506

18

153

585

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

Britney pregnant, JLO and Ben engaged again, Cougar Town premiers tonight on ABC!

33

44

592

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

Jesus f'in C, I just looked at Twitter after a day of just posting my own BS and not really looking and saw that @DanaSchwartzzz is getting a ton of crap. Can people stop being dicks? Hell I WROTE for South Park and I'm not offended. Just chill you power sad dicks. Ugh.

7

26

570

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

5 years

Post the first GIF that comes up when you type in your last name

1K

29

555

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 years

Watching Moonraker for the first time in years and damn James Bond a freak

15

67

576

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

Congrats to Joe Biden on a great campaign

12

57

563

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

10 years

Jordan Peele will win an Oscar someday.

12

189

526

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

7 years

5

171

520

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

1 year

Here's the first trailer for @bertkreischer 's THE MACHINE! Directed by the amazing @Atencio I wrote this w @MarylandMudflap , I'm so proud of it, friggin @MarkHamill is in it, I'm so happy people can see it soon! In Theaters Memorial Day May 25th!! #TheMACHINEmovie #holyshit

48

97

553

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

2 months

Feel like he could’ve expressed this with a look

Variety

@Variety

2 months

Denis Villeneuve says "movies have been corrupted by television.” “Frankly, I hate dialogue. Dialogue is for theatre and television. I don’t remember movies because of a good line, I remember movies because of a strong image. I’m not interested in dialogue at all. Pure image and…

1K

14K

26

49

555

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

7 months

yes they absolutely did. I had a copy way before it came out, trust me, that world was not this one and people thought it was real

ErnestBorgnineNavalCapDoff.jpeg

@poddtadre

7 months

Nobody in 1999 thought the Blair Witch Project was a real documentary. Stop saying that.

187

20

284

41

19

556

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

3 years

Jack off one last ghost, jack off one last ghost!! He did!!!

4

79

539

kevinbiegel

@kbiegel

4 years

He wants chaos. He wants it to burn. He cares about one thing: himself and getting re-elected. He sees chaos as his way toward that. He’s not bringing people together, he’s not being a leader, because he wants the fear and anger to carry him. This is his strategy.

10

158

532