Dana Schwartz - on hiatus @DanaSchwartzzz Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

1 year

Moving away from Twitter but find me (for now) on Instagram, TikTok, and substack. Better yet, listen to the podcast Noble Blood and read my books ANATOMY: A LOVE STORY and IMMORTALITY: A LOVE STORY.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Every straight relationship

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@MarcSnetiker

4 years

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1 year

chris martin looks like a toddler named Rydyr at a pre-school that costs $50,000 a year

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

every day I thank god that Glee ended before Hamilton came out

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4 years

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

why did I grow up thinking that "marine biologist" was like one of the 5 main jobs people had

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

Bought this shirt because I thought would look chic and french, and instead turns out I actually look like a little lad who loves berries and cream

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@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

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3 years

Piers Morgan getting rejected by Meghan Markle after a date one time explains literally everything

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

How relieved must Olivia Wilde be right now

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Trolls are bad, but this might be worse?

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I feel like if you told a teenager that Netflix used to let you watch TV shows by sending you individual DVDs in the actual mail, they would think you were making it up as a joke

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

what if we kissed at the mary wollstonecraft grave where her daughter mary shelley lost her virginity to percy shelley on june 26, 1814

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

It's funny how we romanticize pilgrims crossing dangerous oceans and pioneers traversing the country in covered wagons for a better life, but refugees desperate for safety are the villains.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

Why is anyone wasting their breath arguing that a "mermaid shouldn't be black" when instead you could be talking about the time Hans Christian Andersen showed up as a guest at Charles Dickens's house and absolutely ruined his life for a month straight

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

aioli is just mayo that studied abroad

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Absolutely gutted for this man who couldn’t get horny at Walmart today.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I would seriously watch a documentary about the Sonic animation team's last ten months.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

CARRIE: "You're not going to wear a mask?" MR. BIG: "What? If I die, I die. That's life, toots." [typing] Mr. Big refusing to wear a mask made me think about the masks he DID wear. What was he afraid of? I couldn't help but wonder: could feelings be as contagious as covid-19?

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I keep thinking about when Trevor Noah had Tomi Lahren on his show and she was furious about Kaepernick kneeling during the national anthem, and he asked her how Black people SHOULD protest injustice then and she wouldn't answer.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Here's a thing I've learned: The terrible thing about [publishing a book/getting your dream job/starting a new relationship] is you wake up the next morning and you're still you. If you're not happy where you're at, no external accomplishment is going to change that.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

Gonna make straight men upset by referring to watching sports as "reality tv"

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I was once a gifted child and now I spend 14 hours a day refreshing twitter in split screen with youtube videos I've already seen

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

has there ever been a more extreme heterosexual energy than michael bublé changing "santa baby" to "santa buddy"

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

The moral of Shrek is it doesn't matter if you're ugly but it does matter if you're short

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

13 days ago, Donald Trump called coronavirus a democrat hoax.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I don’t mean to blow up anyone’s spot, but the man next to me on this flight stood up and accidentally spilled half of his orange juice on his plane seat. He got paper towels, cleaned it up, sat back down, and then spilled the rest of the orange juice on his crotch

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

the smartest animals: -owl (wearing graduation cap) -worm (in an apple; wearing glasses)

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

MY HUSBAND: people don't always realize, but it's actually a show about 3 gilmore girls

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

About once ever six months, I remember how in Twilight, the girl thinks her boyfriend might be a vampire and so then she does a google image search for "vampire"

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

If the entire state of California could open up, why couldn't Big? We didn't need to wear masks in public anymore, but why did I feel like he was still wearing one with me?

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

John Balcerzak was one of the two police officers who were called to investigate the 911 call about a drugged, bleeding 14 year old Laotian immigrant who escaped from Jeffery Dahmer. The policemen made gay jokes and left. The boy was raped, killed, and dismembered that night.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I feel like this holiday season, it's important to remind people of the true meaning of christmas: ghosts terrorizing rich people in the middle of the night until they agree to pay their employees more

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

what if.... instead of dealing with the root of the situations I need to address.... I just bought things

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Did I read that right? Does he pay $70,000 for hair styling? AND TAKES IT AS A WRITE-OFF????????

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Is martin scorsese about to murder bong joon ho

IndieWire

@IndieWire

4 years

Scorsese Wrote Bong Joon Ho a Heartfelt Letter After Oscars: ‘You’ve Done Well, Now Rest’

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo fulfill the very specific fantasy of getting to say exactly what you want to say to your ex after a breakup, exactly the way you want to say it, and then having the entire world take your side

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

so they're not even pretending it's not about hating women for them anymore

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

lol at how racism has forced tea party "patriots" to side with the actual british monarchy

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

We need an Oxford comma in here

POLITICO

@politico

5 years

Newt Gingrich, a three-star Air Force general and former publicist for Michael Jackson and Prince want to create a $2 billion sweepstakes to see who can establish and run the first lunar base

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

It is insane and incorrect to pretend that women in the 50s didn’t diet.

Tan Man

@reallytanman

2 years

Reminder that people in the 1950s didn’t fast They didn’t eat low carb They didn’t avoid dessert

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

Doctors are always like “when was the date of your last period” like, I’m sorry but I am not a mathematician

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

For some reason I keep thinking about all the guys in 2016 who hated Hillary and told me, “I would LOVE a female president, I wish Elizabeth Warren was running!”

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

wow @ChrisEvans I think you have some explaining to do "tyler"

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

This is a great dunk but also: immigrants don’t need to win the fucking Nobel prize to be human fucking beings

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@KevinMKruse

4 years

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4 years

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

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4 years

no one: absolutely no one: me: prisoner of azkaban established the aesthetic of the harry potter films and the wizarding world. best movie by far, even considering the omission of the marauders. the films are a different universe and need to make concessions for pace and clarit

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

A friend of mine from the UK is visiting America. He's in Chicago. I live in Los Angeles. "Get on a train!" he says.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

Chris Pine having a Diane Keaton summer

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

Ok I can't be silent about this anymore. Everyone is always like, "oh lol Jack definitely could have fit on the door at the end of Titanic 😏" IT'S NOT ABOUT THE DOOR SIZE IT'S THE BUOYANCY. IT COULDN'T HOLD BOTH OF THEIR WEIGHTS, IT'S VERY CLEAR

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I’ve never practiced an Oscar speech in the mirror, but I have PERFECTED my “disappointed but still gracious loser” reaction

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

fucking love bridgerton I love every dumb costume all of the string arrangements of modern pop songs, all of the anachronism and melodrama. just put it in my face I want 1000 seasons

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

this you?

Matt Walsh

@MattWalshBlog

4 years

The media will do everything it can to generate hysteria over the fact that the president has a mild illness. Don’t fall for it.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

I would genuinely love an app that keeps track of all of the TV shows I like to watch and tells me which streaming platform they're on and what day new episodes come out. My dumb little brain cannot keep track of all of the TV.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

OKAY. This is a thread, but it’s worth it I promise. On Reddit today, user u/NoNoNo_OhOhOh posted a page from acclaimed Irish novelist John Boyne’s latest book, ‘The Traveller At the Gates of Wisdom. Note the ingredients.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

ever since I found out that riz ahmed proposed to his novelist wife with a scrabble game I have been starring directly unblinking at my boyfriend

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I was throwing grapes in the air and catching them in my mouth, and then I stopped because I remembered I live alone and if I choked and died some police officer would have to call my mom and say "no it wasn't coronavirus she was trying to eat a grape"

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

lol is she naked? why did they give her a lil thigh gap

Oliver Darcy

@oliverdarcy

2 years

this is real

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

remind me, if a political group replaces the country's flag with their own flag, is that good or bad

Jeff Sharlet

@JeffSharlet

4 years

Tonight in Wisconsin. First the anti-Black Lives Matter flag flew outside his rallies, then beside the American flag. Now it has replaced the American flag. That’s significant.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

did my depression write this

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

As a career-oriented no nonsense brunette, I live in constant fear of my fiancé leaving me for a whimsical woman with joie de vivre who’s been the lead of this movie the whole time

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

just spitballing here, no wrong ideas, but what if, instead of trying "nothing," we tried "something"?

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

this quarantine has turned us all into a jane austen novel here I am out here looking forward to my daily brisk walk

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

I can't wait for all those guys who wouldn't vote for Hillary but "would totally vote for another woman, like Elizabeth Warren!" to decide on their new and exciting reason not to vote for Elizabeth Warren

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

[my laptop fan suddenly whirrs up] me: what is it girl?? shhh shhhh it's ok I'm here girl

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

for your consideration: catherine o'hara laughing without moving her mouth

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@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

WILD that Disney made a kids movie about labor rights and a worker's strike AND it starred Christian Bale AND it was a MUSICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

Does anyone have a more iconic IMDB than Kirsten Dunst??? I mean.... -Kiki's Delivery Service -Interview with the Vampire -Jumanji -Wag the Dog -Virgin Suicides -Drop Dead Gorgeous -Dick -Bring It On -Spider-Man -Eternal Sunshine -Spider-Man 2 -Marie Antoinette

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

[Carrie voiceover from Sex and the City] He’s well-dressed, suave, politically active, and handsome. But I couldn’t help but wonder: is dating a dapper guy in the alt-right.... alt-wrong?

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

BIG YIKES

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Ayn Rand really got away with convincing 50 years of pompous but intellectually-insecure high school students that a lack of compassion was the same thing as intelligence

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Penny Dreadful is like, "what if a werewolf and frankenstein and the hottest woman in the world had to face off against the actual christian devil, and also dorian grey is there" and you idiots let it flop

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

when the hamilton is at the desk before "take a break"

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I wish I could be as publicly dumb and bad at my job as a republican congressman

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Me trying to end the conversation

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

Feel like we need to be giving Hercules more respect -jammin songs -danny devito -greek mythology jokes -the only disney princess who has objectively had sex

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

All you need to know about the state of heterosexual dating is that on Love Is Blind, 3 girls fell madly in love with a fuckboy named "Barnett"

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

you named your kid a wifi password

Elon Musk

@elonmusk

3 years

@cleantechnica I absolutely support trans, but all these pronouns are an esthetic nightmare

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

lot of top tier vaccine scientists going to have a tough time with their independent research now that facebook is down

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

I know I'm late on this, but in the new Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield is coming off the bench and draining 3's for like, the full second half of that movie

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

THE LAST JEDI is objectively the best Star Wars movie (the most cohesive, the best looking, and the most interesting ideas raised) and not liking it is the world's biggest self-own

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

@jackiantonovich math is red. english is blue. science is green. history is yellow.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I really never thought that in 2020 having the position "listen to the advice of doctors and medical professionals" would be considered political

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

Where is Matt Berry's emmy for every single line reading in What We Do In The Shadows

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

This is fucking bullshit. Throwing Rian Johnson under the bus to please some crazy fanboys when he made the most interesting and ambitious Star Wars movie since Empire

F♯A♯∞, fka ☕️

@coopercooperco

4 years

Poor The Last Jedi

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I tweeted a pretty mild opinion about a tv show on my own personal twitter account like a week ago, and I've been getting multiple death threats every day since. Like, lol. Is there something that women are ALLOWED to have an opinion on?

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

He literally started all of humanity over with a flood

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

oh! you might be confused. these are actually photographs of different people.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

Some people say that Uriah Heep was based on Andersen. It also seems that Andersen KNEW he was pretty awkward and that people didn't really like him because he based his story, The Ugly Duckling, on himself 😢

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

We need to normalize asking me out and being my boyfriend

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@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

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@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

The Hogwarts house points system is complete garbage. You lose 50 points for being out of bed and then only get 60 for singlehandedly defeating the manifestation of evil who took over the body of one of the school's teachers? we need a baseline. equalize this shit.

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

5 years

every once in a while I remember how my high school acting teacher made students perform scenes from his own unproduced autobiographical play that he wrote

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

Netflix I swear to fucking god find a new season of great british baking show or god help me I will end you

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

Twilight The Twilight Saga: New Moon The Twilight Saga: Eclipse The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2

The A.V. Club

@TheAVClub

3 years

Kristen Stewart says she's only made "five really good films" throughout her career

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

PAY SOHLA FOR HER APPEARANCES IN THE BON APETIT VIDEOS YOU ASSHOLES!

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

4 years

I get that Elon Musk and Grimes were trying to be eDgY and shocking with their baby name, but imagine how much more shocking it would be if they named their baby "jeff"

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

feel like we're never talking enough about the fact that hugh grant's actual middle name is "mungo" and so his name is hugh mungo grant

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Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

2 years

"Lately I've been dressing for revenge"

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