Ian Ford @ij_ford Twitter profile

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

If this place goes down and mutuals want to find me, you can email me abuse at the Guardian like strangers on here

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

11 days

My sister is visiting on Tuesday and she's just messaged asking if she needs to bring tea bags 'because from memory you don't drink it'. This stopped being true two decades ago, adding fuel to my theory that you just get fixed in your family's head at a particular life point

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Arrived at our Airbnb. Woman who owns it pointed out the usual - keys here, wifi password - then said 'and I must tell you about... The seagull' Turns out one is nesting outside our bedroom and we mustn't look at it because otherwise it gets agitated and will attack the windows

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

11 months

Let this be a lesson to all of you as to what will happen if you ever skip a queue in England again

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

11 days

Similarly every Christmas my mum will say I don't like sprouts, because I refused to eat them when I was four

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Liz Truss says they've shown the 'depth and breadth of talent in the Conservative party' and it's hard to disagree with that

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Feel it's the 'Hi Ian' that really makes this

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Enjoying France's entry #Eurovision

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Middlesbrough told Chelsea 'see you later' in their statement and now the London club are confused

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

11 months

Favourite reply yesterday

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

New favourite Guardian correction just dropped

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

This is legally binding👍 I do not give Elon Musk or any entities associated with Musk permission to use my pictures, information, messages or posts, both past and future. With this statement, I give notice to Twitter it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute...

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

11 months

Been sent email today to renew rent. They want to put it up by £600 a month. There's something deeply wrong with this country

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

MAGA hat final boss

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

I swear these are muppets about to sing Mahna Mahna, do doo be-do-do

Nature is Lit

@Nature_Is_Lit

1 year

🔥 The seed pods to a poinsettia flower

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Every pub should have a cat

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Yes, in your heads

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

8 months

BBC sending alerts from my subconscious

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Had my first quote-tweet taking this seriously

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Friend just messaged me 'I think the lettuce might win' - which sounds like cold war-era spy code

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

He's about to do a magic trick

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 months

Does anyone know where these chocolates are from?

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Someone has made an incorrect Star Trek reference at work and I must now seethe quietly because correcting them would expose what a massive nerd I am

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

When I was a child someone told me they could get me a pirate copy of Jurassic Park if I paid them. I went home and asked my mum for the money on the basis 'it's already my favourite film and this version has pirates in'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Hi. I know it's lame to tell say you're taking a Twitter break, so didn't bother until now. I'm still sorta here but not very often - this place was breaking my brain, and not in a fun way. Normal service may resume at some point because I miss, well, some of you. Take care

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

I think you really have to pick a side

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

11 months

Buying this to libel my friend on their birthday

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

The complaint form for Virgin mobile doesn't allow you to use commas. Tempted to open a separate complaint solely for this

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Been a while since a broadcaster said Jeremy Hunt's surname wrong, so there's that to look forward to at least

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

@tom_usher_ Yes but you must use the exact wording above. Including saying Twitter

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Looking up restaurants in Derry and a reviewer has complained that his evening was ruined by the 'loud saxophone'. The restaurant owner has replied deadpan saying he's sorry they didn't enjoy the 'steak and sax night'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

8 months

Release Fenton in the park and watch the terrorist run

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

If Twitter dies will those accounts who only tweet their Wordle score every day just approach strangers in the street?

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Won't somebody please think of the billionaires

Tim Stanley

@timothy_stanley

2 years

We live in frightening times when even billionaires can be raided by the FBI.

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Katy Perry singing about 4th July to the British King is surely an arrestable offence

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Black Mirror episode where Ben Brown emerges to find the UK has another new prime minister

Ben Brown

@BenBrownBBC

2 years

One hour and counting stuck in this BBC lift - I’ve been promised rescue teams are on the way but no sign of them yet

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Not controversial, but this image is just what rightwingers think happens if you walk down the street in London

Louie Stowell

@Louiestowell

1 year

What's your london opinion that would have this effect on the internet?

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

11 months

Countdown until a boomer arrives telling me to just buy a place in that case

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Someone replied to previous tweet saying they'd unfollowed me because of where I worked. It wasn't some dark secret, people, it's in my bio

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

That's not how I remember them looking

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

8 months

Man got his steps in and quit

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Really tired of people calling the Queen's performance in that Paddington clip 'ground-breaking'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Spoiler: it's his name

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

The fun of having a non-British partner who tells you first thing in the morning how excited her mum is to 'go cottaging'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Overheard at IKEA: `Put that down, we're only here for essential purchases' 'How can you say a scented candle isn't essential? We're facing power cuts'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Got delayed on a train a few weeks ago and applied for compensation. They have given me a cheque, like they're my gran on my birthday

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Like probably half the country I have now watched Glass Onion. My message to the other half is: you should watch Glass Onion

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

A deeply confusing sentence to English eyes

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Someone at the Guardian office just told the person on the other end of the phone 'sorry, I'm in a tunnel'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Was on the tube and a man got on and asked to borrow my phone and insert his sim, because his was dead and he needed to desperately reach somebody. Mysteriously, when I refused because it sounded dodgy, he asked nobody else and quietly sat opposite the rest of the journey

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

History tells us you'll need to keep them from coming back another seven times

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

We're in an unprecedented year of two prime ministerial resignations and the Queen's death, and I have somehow timed my days off from working at a national newspaper with all three

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Just missing a big sword to carry

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

'Show me what you got'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

At the pub and a man tried repeatedly to chat up the woman serving, eventually trying to pretend he knew her. She shut him down with: 'You're just another guy with a beard'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Pissing myself at the 'He will never ever be coming for dinner' bullet point

Tomorrows Papers Today

@TmorrowsPapers

1 year

Tuesday's Sun: Why I Blanked Gary Neville #TomorrowsPapersToday #TheSun #Sun

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

This is quickly going to become like when Homer designed a car and I, for one, can't wait to see Musk spinning in the result

The Independent

@Independent

1 year

🚨 Elon Musk dissolves Twitter’s board and makes himself ‘sole director’

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Yesterday I was a giant

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Saw the Crucible tonight. I don't think Arthur Miller gets snooker

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Reading Spike Milligan's autobiography and struggling to think of a funnier paragraph in anything

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

My smoke alarm is beeping at me incessantly and I can't figure out how to remove it to replace the battery (it's connected to the mains, which I've never seen before). I am five minutes away from burning my flat down just to spite it.

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

This would be better if we had Dominic Cummings waiting backstage to come in like on Jerry Springer

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

11 months

Baby swans do do do do do do

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

How do you do, twitter?

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Hard to believe the host of Radio Aryan would say something racist and antisemitic

ITV News

@itvnews

1 year

Radio Aryan: 'Hitler fan' James Allchurch goes on trial for 'highly racist and antisemitic' podcasts

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

My gym have decorated the place for Halloween but this just makes it look like they're making a joke about men on twitter

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

UK right now

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

@markgoldbridge Ronaldo must start after United's best performance in ages after he didn't start. I am a smart person

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

BBC needs to stop trying to interview people as Sweet Caroline comes on

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Genuinely crying. Not ashamed

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

My original jab is suing my booster. I hate it when mummy and daddy fight

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

10 months

You mean your trains might run on time?

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Greatly enjoying @jonathanliew using a boring Spurs match to dunk on Ed Sheeran in his intro

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Annoying absolutely everyone by stealing niece's Christmas present and loudly declaring 'I'm a character from Andor'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Turned on Sky News and first thing I hear is someone, utterly sincerely, say 'I'm so proud she died in Scotland'

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Paying my respects at the spot they killed off Russell Crowe to stop him singing

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

11 months

Turns out I miscalculated. It's actually £650

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Funniest scenario would be Ronaldo signing for Arsenal and Piers Morgan having to pretend it's a great idea

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Getting impossible to distinguish things Suella Braverman says from a twitter bot

Dan Bloom

@danbloom1

2 years

Suella Braverman: “I’m afraid it’s the Labour Party, it’s the Lib Dems, it’s the Coalition of chaos, it’s the Guardian-reading, Tofu-eating, wokerati - dare I say the anti-growth coalition that we have to thank for the disruption we are seeing on our roads today!”

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Council sent an email today offering space for my bike in an on-street cycle hanger. Which would be great other than I requested it in March 2020 and no longer live there

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

9 months

Oh, well if he says it

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

I see Scotland are having a Bank Holiday tomorrow in England's honour. Lovely gesture

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Went to a spa this evening. Not at my best looking right now but at least I wasn't the white guy with dreadlocks who had 'Hakuna Matata' tattooed across his back

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Genuinely wouldn't surprise me if Liz Truss never mentioned the mini-budget at this press conference and instead used it to announce something else like a British space programme

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

*phone buzzes* Oh thank goodness, it's just a horrible news update. For a moment there I thought someone had messaged me

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

2 years

Do not go out there

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Bloomsbury earlier today

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

A drunk man sat on me on the tube. How's your Friday?

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Ian Ford

@ij_ford

1 year

Did a Hidden London tour of the abandoned Down Street tube station yesterday and can't recommend it enough. Took this of the Piccadilly line shooting by in the tunnel