Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno Twitter profile

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Grace Jarvis

8 months

if a woman tells you you have “nice hands” she is doing everything in her power not to fuck you senseless please release her from her torment her friends are receiving the kinds of messages someone in prison would send

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

stop glamorising The Hustle and start glamorising whatever lifestyle this is

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 months

if my dad invented a mouthwash and wrote this on the bottle I do think I would have to kill myself

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

every straight woman I know is dating him

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

anyone spouting the “omicron is mild let it rip” bullshit can kiss my arse I had to lie on the bathroom floor with a bursting appendix while a man was almost in tears on the phone telling me an ambulance wasn’t coming because they were taken up by covid cases KISS MY ARSE

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 months

I can’t stand the overwhelmingly millennial cultural voice that says, “don’t just show up at my house for a visit don’t call me on the phone don’t ask me to drive you to the airport or help you move” you murdered community spirit & then started talking about a loneliness epidemic

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 year

death to “creative” bathroom signage just tell me where I should piss a cockatoo is also a bird why are you doing this to me

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

sorry I can’t do any of the tasks that would progress my career I’m very busy biting the skin off my lips

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

every paramedic, every nurse, every doctor, every medical admin worker deserves one million dollars and free therapy forever

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 months

I love hearing whispered little “I wanna see that”s when the trailers play at the cinema

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

10 months

girl dinner

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 months

@hansmollman well at least you scheduled the full day

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 years

women’s clothes don’t have pockets because when they do we put stones in them and walk into lakes

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 months

less people would smoke if you were just allowed to go outside for ten minutes for another reason

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

this is the future those Save the Bees people want

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

truly insane that I had to earn a “pen license” at school but they let me just go in raw on a bunsen burner

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

“My girlfriend and I saw you from across the bar and dig your vibe, can we buy you a drink?”

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 months

the call is coming from inside the house

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 months

new band name if anyone needs

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

sorry this was October 2021, to clarify

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

@erinmichellebrb managed to get me to A&E before I exploded for which I am eternally grateful but catch me at trauma therapy every goddamn week

Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

the paramedics were so busy last night they told me it’d be quicker to wake up a friend and get them drive me to emergency rather than wait around for an ambulance which is grim but it means I got this stellar review

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 year

@roseadelaney it might actually be inclusive to make everybody as confused about where to pee as non-binary people

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 months

him: what’re you thinking about? me: the Australian state-segregated school fonts system

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

I am begging American television shows to just hire Australian and New Zealand actors to play Australian and New Zealand characters because you guys suck at accents

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 months

@LucaGuadagnegro DIABOLICAL

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

the paramedics were so busy last night they told me it’d be quicker to wake up a friend and get them drive me to emergency rather than wait around for an ambulance which is grim but it means I got this stellar review

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

why did they blur my face I’m not in witness protection

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 months

shazam, but for scary noises I hear at night

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

it’s insane that “Barry” as a name is not short for anything

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

7 months

this boiled egg is so far from “cheeky” this boiled egg is a savage and ruthless villain he is a wicked wicked egg

jellycat plush bot

@jellycatbot

7 months

♡ Cheeky Boiled Egg

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

hey quick question what’s the point

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 months

and the nation swells with pride

Rolling Stone

@RollingStone

3 months

Jacob Elordi Allegedly Assaults Radio Producer Over Bathwater Joke, Police Launch Investigation More:

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

I’m okay luckily! but truly it doesn’t matter if you get covid or not, if you break your leg or whatever and the ambulance takes an hour because they’re drowning under the “let it rip” approach the government didn’t actually prepare for? that hour is gonna fucking suck

Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

sans appendix but +1 catholic jelly

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

I hate dating apps just put a banner on my twitter account that says you’re allowed to hit on me

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

stop glamorising The Grind and start glamorising Frog Choir

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

me completing my stupid little self care tasks in lockdown

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

deleted all of the dating apps, gonna meet someone the old fashioned way: getting spooked by a loud noise and leaping into their arms

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 months

@danielleweisber truly devastating

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

cis men in the comments under international women’s day articles:

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

10 months

a few christmases ago my dad gave me a deck of tarot cards that he used to bring out at dinner parties before I was born and told me that he had to stop using them because he “kept announcing that women were pregnant before they were ready to tell people”

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

pussy from a girl who needs the rules to the board game explained twice

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 year

howdy

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 months

stop telling me the length of your babies! my dad is a fisherman, it just makes me do mental maths on whether your newborn is of legal length or whether you have to throw it back

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 year

the system works!

Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

gotta hope someone is working on a new Wallace & Gromit movie just gotta hope

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

babe what’s wrong? you’ve hardly touched your frog in a pond

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

why is there no ABC miniseries about the woman who left Morris Gleitzman for Paul Jennings??

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 years

my mum is in Queensland and I am in Melbourne in lockdown and she doesn’t know how to help and this worries her anyway long story short she sent us an air fryer

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

why does my brain keep perpetuating the myth that all it takes for me to be able to write is finally finding the perfect place to sit

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 month

I had to explain to my psychiatrist that the comedy festival is on and how to buy tickets he was like, “so I could just buy a ticket on the website and go to a show? tonight?” I was like I pay you $400 for a thirty minute appointment how am I explaining ticketek to you

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

sorry I can’t be her

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 year

@marzipanlenore no that is a galah which makes it worse because galah already has the word gal in it

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 years

A few years ago I did a gig where the guy before me did a joke about cumming on someone’s boobs (yay comedy) and the MC brought me on by saying “speaking of cumming on some titties, the next act is a woman” so yeah cut that shit out

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

@jack_vening reason why at the bridge

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

28 days

a cross stitch pattern designer made a cross stitch pattern of this tweet and now you can buy both that cross stitch pattern and a tee shirt with the tweet on it

Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

there should be something on my organ donor card that says I want my skeleton used as a xylophone after I’m dead

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

this happened to me in October last year and it’s literally so much worse now

Ambulance Victoria issues code red alert and NSW under ‘unprecedented’ pressure from Omicron wave

Demand for emergency healthcare soars as Covid isolation requirements sideline hundreds of paramedics

www.theguardian.com

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

11 days

a reminder from your friendly, neighbourhood, angry daughter of veterans this ANZAC Day that “Lest We Forget” isn’t just something you say mindlessly like, “bless you” after somebody sneezes it means “on our own heads be it if we sit here and let it happen again” just a reminder

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 years

I like my natural hair colour and I’m scared of tattoos and piercing, but I gotta do something to let people know I’m into girls I’m dying out here

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

the original hot girl summer

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

this is what dressing for the female gaze looks like

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

I’m obsessed with Adam Levine’s California tattoo, imagine if I just got QUEENSLAND permanently inked under my boobs

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 year

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

shout out to @erinmichellebrb for being awake at all hours and shepherding a limp bundle of agony (me) into A&E

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 year

the venn diagram of nazis, transphobes and misogynists is a fucking circle and any cis woman that thinks they won’t be next up against the wall because they’ve teamed up with the villains to hate crime trans people is more stupid than I can possibly fathom

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 year

all 4 of my guinea pigs died at once when I was a kid & that’s how I learned about Jonestown because my mum looked at their corpses & said “it looks like a fuzzy Jonestown” also I took fur from each of their bodies & put it in a pasta sauce jar that is still in my parent’s house

trash jones

@jzux

1 year

no more fun facts. i want to hear a scary, unsettling fact about you

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

7 months

the guy I sometimes have sex with when we’re in the same country deleted his instagram like two years ago so now when I want compliments or male attention I have to whatsapp him a picture of me like he’s my grandad and my mum is making me show him what I look like now

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

ordered a caesar salad at a pub the other day and when I asked the waitress if I could have it without the egg she said, “I’m not gonna force you to eat an egg”

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

@funintherun I’ve gotta have more surgery ‘cause the scar was all botched and still having pain, but “elective” so might be a while before it can be sorted

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

when an illustrated mouse wears a little dress and a little apron? that fucking rules

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

this is the time of year where I look back at pictures of myself that I thought were hideous at the time and realise that I was beautiful and then I learn nothing

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

sans appendix but +1 catholic jelly

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

I like Bo Burnham as much as the next ex-theatre kid, but I can’t help but roll my eyes every time we culturally decide a rich man whining about existentialism is “genius” like that’s not what all canonised art has been for hundreds of years

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

I dunno if I’ve reached my limit on cross stitch content, but here’s the acropolis I stitched it for my mum

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

what I see when you introduce me to your boyfriend

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

11 months

I’m in hospital for the week and the student nurse keeps asking me if I need anything and I do not need anything because my meds are on a pump so eventually I said, “if there are any spare cheese and crackers, I’d be keen on those” and boy did he deliver

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

5 months

I had a meltdown on the phone to my mum a week ago and said, “can I just come home?” and she said, “of course you can” and then paused and said, “for a visit or permanently?” so it turns out a person can be crying so desperately it sounds like they want to move back to Toowoomba

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

instead of donating my body to science I am donating my body to fantasy (letting giants grind my bones to make their bread)

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

I am in the hospital and they think I have appendicitis but luckily I watched Madeline when I was 6 and have lived in wretched fear of my appendix ever since so I’m prepared to part with it

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

this is my five year plan

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

you might have had a bad day today, but at least you weren’t on the bus to school camp! count your blessings everyday you’re not watching Shrek 2 in a moving vehicle while children vomit into ice cream tubs on your way to a week of being bullied in the forest

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

I’m bi but I also went to an all-girls school so I don’t know how to behave around men and I don’t know how to behave around women

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 months

been back on a dating app for forty minutes, already seen eight men who think their “most controversial opinion” is that pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza when I know for a fact it’s that they don’t view women as people just kill me

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

7 months

people who book me for gigs are very attached to this picture of me from when I was 21 and so in order to soothe them, while I try to transition away from having a mortality-based crisis every time I see myself on a poster, I have simply taken the same photo again

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

mums and nanas are absolutely right to have sea-themed bathrooms it fucking rules and it makes sense ‘cause the bathroom is where all the water is

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

you think you’ve been victimised by the shuffle function? I lost my virginity to a Flight of the Conchords song

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

it’s very important to remember that comedy does not matter and everybody that chooses to pursue it is the worst person you know

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

13 days

wish there was an Australian crime drama I could watch about a local murder in a small country town with something to hide boy I’d love to see that show

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 months

okay a lot of sitcom jokes finally make sense to me

Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 months

they’re showing The Godfather at my local cinema on my birthday maybe my present to myself will be never having to hear a man say, “you’ve never seen The Godfather???” ever again

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

5 months

NCIS: Sydney feels like a 30 Rock joke the idea that there are enough complex crimes going on in New South Wales to make a TV serial out of LET ALONE SPECIFICALLY NAVAL CRIMES is insane

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 months

@ContrarianSaver

thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

@kimT9410 I'm one of the dozens of people worldwide that live in a country that's not America

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

3 years

god I hate this pandemic if I wanted to waste my twenties I would have joined a cult

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 months

obviously when you pull the mask off the social Scooby Doo villain it is literally always capitalism I'm just saying that people older than me have based their personalities on trying to convince us that helping or talking to your friends is emotional labour and it isn't

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 years

love when porn websites advertise “Australian Girls” as exotic yeah I’ve met Australian girls - country road bag, here if you need, who bought pineapple cruisers, let’s go smoke down the servo - that’s them

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

8 months

dating is just inviting random people to potentially ruin fun things you’d rather do with your friends

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

1 year

little stove frog

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

doctors are always asking if your antidepressants are working like I don’t know man all the calls are coming from inside the house

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

4 months

the fact that they banned 164 songs from being played the day after 9/11 means that on 9/11 someone at a radio station was watching the tragedy unfold and, as everyone else was glued to the news, immediately started brainstorming all the worst possible songs for this situation

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

2 years

putting “known weakling” on my comedy festival poster this year

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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno

7 months

my sister got a puppy and he is so small I immediately started telling him about all the animals I think could eat him if he was in the wild I am giving him an anxiety disorder

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