thomas violence @thomas_violence Twitter profile

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

9 months

introducing the sequel to BORLFF, BORLFF

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@nozomiVIASREXIA

@cbunnell_

@WlZARDNFT

@t_xu

thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

i love little regional quirks like how everyone in austin has the same handwriting ☺️ the world is such an interesting place

Austin Police Department

@Austin_Police

4 years

We can’t express enough how grateful we are to serve you, Austin. Our officers have been working around the clock during these unprecedented times and thank everyone who took the time to write and make our day a little brighter. #OneAustinSaferTogether #Thankful

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

tonight a 19ish year old in the bar very nicely asked me if I could give them a refund on a vodka coke they bought because they realised they were too drunk and drinking it would be a bad idea, a move both so ballsy and sincere I couldn't possibly refuse

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 years

found out today that in my 7-unit "no pets allowed" apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I've been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 months

using a desk that faced the screen so i didn't have to turn 90 degrees to type

Sohail Charef

@CHSOHY

6 months

10 years old boy writing program in python...what were you doing at his age?

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

10 months

after a couple of years of working in hospitality you start to develop an almost supernatural sixth sense for if a customer is going to be rude or difficult, going off very slight, almost imperceptible cues, like a south african accent

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 months

the tech industry has some of the sharpest minds in the world

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

I wonder why this happens. why would this happen. can't imagine why this would happen. couldn't even guess why this would happen

CNBC Make It

@CNBCMakeIt

4 years

A sobering stat during coronavirus fears—90% of employees admit they have gone to work when sick.

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

please enjoy these heavily cropped photos of a friend of mine who works at a bat sanctuary carrying bats around in her pocket

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

every post about defunding the police has dozens of replies from terrified suburbanites convinced there are 10,000 cartoon robbers hiding in their hedges waiting for the last cop to sign off so they can finally steal their stand mixer

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

25 days

a guy got removed from our flight today and it's incredible how much it brought us all together. they should kick one person off every flight to build cohesion and morale for the passengers and crew. they can be a paid actor or whatever, they just have to cause a scene

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

@kimT9410 I'm one of the dozens of people worldwide that live in a country that's not America

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 months

it does

Stella

@skyrocketstella

3 months

*KETCHUP DOES NOT EXIST* What you having with these????

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 month

ever get so racist it makes you believe romeo and juliet were historical figures

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

no billionaire has ever worked harder than anyone that cleans toilets for a living

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 years

americans are so beautiful 😍

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 months

i have felt like this man for my entire life

Nikhil Siddhartha

@actor_Nikhil

3 months

In Australia unknowingly Got onto a flight full with Taylor Swiftys on Board OMG 😅 Mid Air songs and dancing ... #Taylorswift

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

10 months

what part of the human brain is this meant to light up. what is it doing to the people who enjoy it. are they watching exclusively this or is it an "on in the background" type deal. what in the hell is going on

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits "yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now"

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

oh my god.... the Queen received Trump in the Funtleburough Room and not the Sussleburey-Oxenflart Parlour 😂 and she seated the Marquess of Doombledendowndurredge two seats to Trump's right at the Saint Pheasantsmas dinner 😂😂😂😂😂 she is a messy bitch i am SCREAMING 😂

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

9 months

impossible to convey how much as a non american it seems like sororities and fraternities were just made up for movies because they're too alien to be real and then people post these videos and it rocks your shit. what a unique, odd little enormous country

levy

@1929stockcrash

9 months

I love how Texans fully commit to being texan; it consumes them, it’s their primary identity — similar to oberlin grads and Bushwick

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

the anti 15 minute cities / qanon stuff is amazing. geniuses hard at work

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

some really interesting stuff in the hidden replies on this one. looks like Disney’s trying to cover something up

Disney D23

@DisneyD23

1 year

Get to know Spider, a human friend of Jake and Neytiri's children in #AvatarTheWayofWater :

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

8 months

yep absolutely i've seen the mona lisa before why do you ask

Ray Wong

@prompt_mastery

8 months

Role reversal. This is Mona Lisa painting a portrait of Leonardo da Vinci.

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

7 years

lol i'd never checked out LMFAO's full discography before

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

IT: Chapter 2? no thanks. if I wanted to see a bunch of people that are still clearly processing issues from their childhood be antagonised by a clown, I would simply open the twitter app on my phone. you see, the clown is none other than president of the united states donald tru

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 years

congrats on having a photo taken with your dad dude. that's pretty cool

Donald Trump Jr.

@DonaldJTrumpJr

6 years

Just hanging out with #POTUS on #NYE !!! Wishing you all a healthy and prosperous #newyear #2018

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

(basing my entire understanding of history on staged photos for print advertising) wow everyone looks so happy

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

10 months

decided to look in the kettle i've been using for 14 years but never cleaned and i learned a very important lesson: never look. there's no reason. it's not like, going to make you any happier or anything. nothing good can come from this

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

roger that we have a milky boy on our hands. i repeat: the boy is milky. he's a very milky boy, over

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 months

was pissing in a cubicle and the guy in the cubicle next to me was loudly humming a really haunting rendition of Silent Night and then when i came out to wash my hands he looked me dead in the eyes and said "that was for you mate". merry christmas everyone

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

man if i wanted to see what you will look like when youre old id just fucken cherish and tend to our friendship so that it remains constant throughout the years to come

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

a funny prank Disney keeps playing is finding young directors who won a Palm d'Or for a self-funded surreal drama about a woman in Bhutan who can speak with all of the women she is descended from, and then asking them to direct Captain Miraculous 4: The Goblins of Foothand

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

8 months

the replies to this are incredible. the number of americans that believe they are some sort of special forces operator and that every trip to the shops they might be called on to go john wick mode

Wren Scarborough 🌿✨

@wrenscarborough

8 months

Question for men: My mom, who has been married to my dad for over thirty years, just found out that my dad constantly scans for, assesses, and plans for possible threats Menfolk, do all of you do this?

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 months

everyone in the replies to this is saying it's because of no smart phones not the realising the poster is a nazi and they actually mean because everyone's white, which is the perfect intersection of the only two things on here now (engagement bait, racism)

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 months

(watching a corporate training video) holy fucking shit these are the happiest people on earth

TastefulLindy

@LindyTasteful

4 months

Imagine being a boomer growing up. Every massive chain restaurant was new and exciting, instead of depressing. You could go to Pizza Hut and celebrate the dream of capitalism with your community.

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

oh cool! oh fuck

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

10 years

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop's are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

this is very embarrassing but an AI i trained on 100,000 hours of inspirational speeches has escaped, possibly into a human host. it doesnt actually understand language but can mimic the cadence and rhythm very convincingly. please let me know if youve seen it

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 years

oh dope, one of my most hated enemies just gave me a giant wooden horse for free. completely unexpected, this rules

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

hard times for libertarians right now, forced to choose between their allegiance to opposing state violence or their allegiance to being extremely racist

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

10 years

boy: i hate being poor grandpa: were going to fun factory mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 years

just saw your spotify wrapped and holy shit dude, that's such a rich inner life! this whole time I thought your existence mirrored my cursory assessment of it as an outside observer but you've actually got so much more going on, inside

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

americans are coming to terms with saying cunt. what will it be next? bank transfers? driving the speed limit? using your inside voice at tourist spots

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

7 years

counterpoint: not a single living person has ever looked at moments on purpose

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

8 months

i dont think i ever really believed before that there was like a split between creative / non creative people but i am now pretty convinced that there are a bunch of people incapable of creating art. as in they do not get what it is at all. most of them pay for twitter

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

a story in two parts

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

people talk a lot of shit about him but i think its amazing jar jar is doing this

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 months

putting on a $5000 head set so i can figure out how long to boil pasta for

Joey Banks

@joeyabanks

3 months

This was the first frame from an Apple Vision Pro review that made me believe we’re all going to be using and leaning into spacial computing soon enough. It always comes back to timers.

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

there is definitely no equivalent of a hippocratic oath for hairdressers

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 months

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there's some beer over there

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

7 years

hell yes I'm FLAV

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

the algorithm pushing all the blue check replies to the top means you have to scroll past 50 geniuses saying “how is this legal?? this is, the devil” before you get to one person asking if it might be fake. the system works!

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 months

i don't know the names and addresses of all the people who made the internet full of meaningless garbage that's designed to trick robots and is not only completely useless to humans but actively obstructs you from reaching the useful stuff. but here's one of them

Jake Ward

@jakezward

6 months

We pulled off an SEO heist using AI. 1. Exported a competitor’s sitemap 2. Turned their list of URLs into article titles 3. Created 1,800 articles from those titles at scale using AI 18 months later, we have stolen: - 3.6M total traffic - 490K monthly traffic

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

please, you have to understand, when I overleveraged myself to create a now-flailing airnbnb empire, I was only trying to get rich quick at the expense of everyone around me

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 years

i think its very nice when you see someone clearly using a halloween costume as a soft launch for a fetish theyve hitherto been slightly too apprehensive to broach with a partner

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

10 months

@backpackerFLASH do you reckon there's any version of this where i go "oh the racist one yeah"

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

that isn't "some guy"... that's our bloody pm

matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

Just found out Australia has some theme park called "movie world" and some guys job there is to do the Austin Powers dance. Probably multiple times a day.

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 months

bad news: scientists got close to making new wind-powered tech that would make international shipping less awful for the environment but they stopped because every time there was an article about it people would quote dunk on it like "they think they invented the sailboat 🤣🤣🤣"

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 months

it really is a shame the music sounds like that

Massimo

@Rainmaker1973

3 months

OK Go recorded this music video shot in near-zero gravity aboard a parabolic airliner without using CGI, wires or green screen: the video was cut from one take filmed over 45 minutes of continuous flight.

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

the two things Americans love most are candied yams (?) and driving 7 hours to indirectly kill their own grandmother

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

sometimes i get worried that cops are up to no good but then the cops are investigated by the cops and the cops say that actually the cops are fine, so it's fine

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 years

every band has one person that looks like an extreme normie and you're always like "what are they doing there??" but the answer is: they own a car

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 years

often times i look at the skills and knowledge i've cultivated and feel like that moment when you play an RPG for the first time and realise you've built your character all wrong after finally figuring out how the game works

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

every normal person got this insufferable shit out of their system on forums when they were like 13 and now everyone tells this guy hes a genius because he made a website

Elon Musk

@elonmusk

4 years

@flcnhvy We are literally a brain in a vat. The vat is your skull. Everything you think is real is an electrical signal. Feels so real though.

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

8 years

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

7 months

ai art people are so funny come on. extreme fine art. award winning photograph. documentary vibes

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

now that wizards of the coast has lost all its good will theres a bunch of people being like "FINALLY now youre group that has been playing D&D for 14 years can switch to FishBlade, the diceless storytelling game where the party controls one fish with a knife"

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

i’m enjoying finding out that Teslas don’t have spare tires at the same time this man is learning that other cars do. life can be so beautiful ☺️

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

8 months

dressing like "horse girl The Joker" to make my family miserable

EJ Rosetta 💚🖤💜

@ejrosetta

8 months

My twin came to visit so I’ve passive aggressively dressed in TERF colours. Yes, to annoy them. 💜🤍💚

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 months

what the fuck are you talking about

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 years

heaps of replies i'd like to get to here but i have to turn off the notifications, i'm too busy denying christ, implementing white genocide, making christmas illegal, kneeling during the anthem, and reading up on the automatic gun known as the Assault Rifle 15

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 years

one day I will wake up and open twitter and everyone will be gone and I will put my phone down and immediately go paint the most beautiful and significant oil painting in the history of human art

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 years

well i just found my favourite new reaction image. wonderful

woke stifler

@Yelix

2 years

jar jar binks’s dad’s name is just george and his backstory is really fucked up

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

brisbane UFO sightings group having a moment

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

bernie sanders might have won in votes but, as biden said in his speech, there's no sense planting an apple tree in your yard if you're hard up for nickels to buy pie crust

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

8 months

lauren boebert low key zoomer coded for thinking no one can tell you're vaping indoors when you're visibly sucking on something and exhaling clouds of strawberry scented benzene mist

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

8 years

ricky gervais: i'd bloody shag the queen me: thats weird ricky gervais: oh you're offended? are you offended??? have i offended you????????

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

no, everyone born before 1995 died in one car crash last week. surprised it didn't make it into the news

Helen Dale (not on your team, but always fair)

@_HelenDale

5 years

Anyone else here old enough to remember this?

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

7 years

are they suggesting that some of those that work forces...are the same that burn...crosses????

Intl. Business Times

@IBTimes

7 years

A groundbreaking report on secret FBI investigations reveal white supremacists are infiltrating US law enforcement

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

in his novel Jurassic Park, Michael Crichton alludes to chaos theory (specifically the "butterfly effect") to demonstrate how one tiny mistake can spiral out of control into a major disaster. the tiny mistake was bringing dinosaurs back to life

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

every day this man gets paid a packet of dark money to sit on his computer in Malaysia and post "i can't even wear my ten gallon hat inside a Piggly Wiggly anymore, because of the Democrats"

Ian Miles Cheong

@stillgray

3 years

Are they seriously trying to ban Thanksgiving? How is any of this normal, or okay? I reject the new normal.

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 months

the genius american: 97 huh? that must mean it's really hot because it's close to 100 which is really hot the idiot rest-of-the-worlder: 32?? guhh? buhhh? i'm going to have to look this up on What Is Temperature Mean Dot Com

Matthew Zeitlin

@MattZeitlin

2 months

100 degrees is really hot, 0 degrees is really cold, we are human beings not water

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 months

if the dog puts himself to bed before i've said it's time for bed i figure it's probably time for bed for both of us. generally speaking i think whichever of us has the idea first is correct

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

after having 2.9 beers: I am perfect, I exist in a state of immaculate grace, I am a wave passing gently on the oceans surface after having 3 beers: I am an accumulation of regrets shambling towards the grave, I am an aggregation of generational curses, I am a golem of sadness

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 years

was telling my neighbour I was worried someone might snitch about Louie and he just just like my dude literally everyone here has a secret pet

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

putting a cuss word in the title of my self help book to let people know it's not a regular self help book that a loser would read but a cool one that a cool person would read

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

3 years

got a steak for myself as a treat and the butcher said "here's a nice big one for you big fella". I feel electric. this is what I imagine it would feel like if your dad gave you praise

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

I'm going to become the joker

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

4 years

i wonder if there are other fun facts about christmas island and migration

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

7 years

i am loving this

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

2 years

(jordan peterson's shredded vocal chords uselessly flapping around as he tries to hold himself back from tears) the hamburglar STEALS their food. that THEY paid for. and the left wants you to think this is somehow OK

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

is it so bad that ellen and george bush are friends? is it so terrible, in these polarising times, to cross the aisle in the spirit of friendship and shared humanity and crack jokes with a guy responsible for the deaths of between 500,000 and 1,000,000 iraqis?

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 years

literary fiction is defined as fiction that doesn't have cool shit like space ships or wizards in it. no one does cool spy shit or anything. its mostly about staring at a grey sea in turmoil, or walking away from your family when you're middled aged

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

pitch: cooking travel show called You Came To The Wrong Place where I get bagels in Denver, cheesesteaks in Tucson, deep dish pizza in Omaha, gumbo in San Francisco, BBQ in Bismarck etc

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

5 years

reading rob zombie's name is a real wild ride. at first you're like "rob? ok, i know what we're dealing with here". then things get weird

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 years

"targeting cryptocurrency scammers" is code for "elon forked out $2,000,000 to make sure Italian Elon Musk never resurfaces"

The Verge

@verge

6 years

Twitter will lock your account if you change your display name to Elon Musk

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 years

@FrankWibble215 dunno, made a throwaway joke and checked my phone and now a bunch of yanks are being pissy at me, so it didn't get me anywhere great I guess

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

1 year

the sick bastard globalist elite are trying to take away the 90 minutes i spend in traffic every day taking my kids to school

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thomas violence

@thomas_violence

6 years

this is so fucking adorable 😭😭😭😭😭 this woman with a bee allergy helped an injured bee and it stung her on the throat, killing them both and allowing them to spend time together forever in hell 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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