Fred MacAulay @fredmacaulay Twitter profile

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Well done to @PippaCrerar for staying alert.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

At my age (66) you don’t want time to go by too quickly, but I seriously can’t wait for the next UK General Election so that we can get rid of this dreadful government. The Tories are acting like a bunch of mobsters. Crooks and nepotists the lot of them.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

OK. It’s time to introduce hound number 4. This is Molly. 10 weeks now. Been with us 10 days and fitting nicely with the other three. @MrAndrewCotter take note…..

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

Looking forward to Christmas. Last year I got a Thesaurus. It was good.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

We have to get this ridiculous shower of twats out of Downing Street as soon as possible.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

Happy New Year everyone. Apologies for the late message but I was busy photo-bombing our son Iain(Maca) ❤️and his beautiful bride, Sophie ❤️at their magical Hogmanay wedding. What a party we had. 🍾🍾🍾

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Today should have been this girl’s happiest day, and my proudest as I’d have walked her down the aisle. There will be bubbles this afternoon. Some of the tearful variety, others of champagne. And we look forward to the new date next year.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

Just saw the sad (but sadly, inevitable) news that big Doddie has died. So much love for this man in Scotland and equally elsewhere. There will be a lot of big men crying tonight. RIP Doddie. The memories might fade but his legacy won’t.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

My late father was a Policeman. 31 years service. Old school. Served a few years in The Scottish Crime Squad. Here’s what they used to do….. When a crime was committed …they discovered that investigating the crime sometimes led to them finding evidence! Crazy!!

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

This is going to be a better week than last week. A9. Tuesday morning. My thanks to emergency services and A&E. Walked away with bruised ribs.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

8 months

What colour of bin is the one for scrapping your principles?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

Can everyone please stop using the word ‘legend’ for a while - unless you’re talking about SIR ANDY MURRAY!!!

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

8 years

I set my alarm for 6am. Woke up in 1939.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

Walked the length of Princes St this morning. Dear oh dear….building after building shuttered and closed. ‘To Let’ signs everywhere. A few buses and of course a tram on the street. No cars. A few pedestrians. Is this caused by the economy … or poor policies?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

6 years

17,410,742 people voted to leave the EU. Can one of you please explain what your plan was for N.I.?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

I’m sure the police in London could have walked with the women from the vigil to somewhere safe......say maybe a journey of what? roughly Ibrox to George Sq......

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

I hope someone has recorded Douglas Ross’s tv interview so he can watch it later and laugh along with the rest of us.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

Dreadful news for anyone in comedy with the sad, untimely death of Sean Lock. Brilliant comic and a good man. Respected by all of us. RIP

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

Couldn’t the Speaker of The House of Commons have a time-slot to correct @BorisJohnson_MP ’s lies from previous week’s PMQs before the current week’s PMQs. It’d only take ten or twenty minutes.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

Fifty years ago today I looked through the window of a tv shop in Basel with some other boys from 57th Perthshire Scouts and watched the grainy black and white images of a man walking on the moon. I was 12 years old and promised myself that I too would one day own a tv.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

Can you imagine the internal turmoil Chris Grayling goes through every day wondering why he’s still in a job???? No. Neither can he. Not an ounce of decency in his demented soul. What an absolute cunt.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

One of our great comedians has gone. Jeremy Hardy was simply the Boss. I’m lost for words.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

I’ve referred to @realDonaldTrump as a moron a few times. I stand corrected. He’s a fucking lunatic.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

Good morning. I’ve been taught to sit. Now what?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

Gov’t says Fire Services are wrong. Gov’t says Nurses are wrong. Gov’t says RMT are wrong. Gov’t says Ambulance Crews are wrong. Gov’t says Border Force are wrong. Gov’t says Teachers are wrong. Anyone else see the common denominator here?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Here’s the ‘new normal’.... Grey Bin : Bottles. Blue Bin (Formerly Paper) : Bottles. Red Bin (Formerly Food Waste) : Bottles. NB. All garden waste bins are ONLY for bottles drunk outside.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

If I have to spend my time staying alert, I might not be able to keep checking my tone.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

Nothing to do with @GlasgowBusAward but just thought you’d like see our hounds during dinner. #GBA21

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Only just heard it’s a Lock-Down and not a Lock-In! I’ve been hammered for three weeks....

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 months

Imagine a country where the Secretary of State for Health thinks that Junior Doctors are ‘Doctors in training’. The sheer stupidity of Victoria Atkins is astounding!

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

I know this Rwanda thing is a distraction…..but what from? Partygate? Longest NHS waiting lists ever?? Inflation at its worst for 30+ years??? MP’s sexual assaults???? Russian involvement in our political system????? Which is it?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Do you think Cummings is going to appoint a new Prime Minister?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

You all thought I was daft to do a stand-up gig in a Lidl car park. Well the joke is on you.....there was someone from Sainsbury’s there and I’ve got a gig in one of their car parks soon.....and they reckon Waitrose might want me to do one there! #newnormal #standup

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Come on France, grow up.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Cummings. Get in your car. Drive to Barnard Castle again. If your weird eyesight is ok....have a look at this and see just how much you have f*cked things.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

Some shocking Tory stories this evening. Suella Braverman finding new levels of incompetence and a massive PPE fraud. Yet I find myself thinking that little will come of either. We’re inured to their vile corruption.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

Right. Time for another referendum in Scotland I reckon.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Good morning @realDonaldTrump .... can I ask about the bleach? Do I swallow or can I just gargle and spit. Please answer quickly as my mouth is full and my gums are starting to throb.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

Congratulations to England on a fantastic tournament. No-one takes pleasure in seeing a final finish like that. Rashford and Saka will recover and they should be shielded from any fallout.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

Just heard the dreadfully sad new that Andy Gray has died. A genuinely lovely man and as well as being a great actor was a natural wit. Condolences to all his close friends and family who will be hurting terribly at this loss.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

23 years ago and @kylieminogue has still not been in touch!

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

As a mark of respect I won’t be tweeting for a while. Thoughts and Prayers with all of those who worked so hard on topical news programmes which won’t now be aired.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Mother and son.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

Just in from the 24 hour ASDA. Picked up the last 14 kettles in the homewear but. That’s me up £140 for the year. Once I’ve paid the £280. But Christ knows what I’ll do with all the hot water.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

7 years

Hi Bono. How’s that ‘Make Poverty History’ thing going?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

@RosieisaHolt True though ….. How DO people vote for you Rosie??? 😂

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

The thing about @BorisJohnson_MP and @pritipatel lying today is that they’re getting away with it, which will just lead to more lying in the future. It’s a behavioural pattern and it needs stopped.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

Sad news this morning about the death of Barry Cryer. Last spoke to the legend in late Dec (it was my birthday) and I got the Archbishop of Canterbury at a bus stop gag. Plus an anecdote about the Bishop of Leeds. He sounded frail but well. I did a studio warm up when he was a

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

I’m going out bullying tonight. Anyone know what the current threshold is?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

25 years next week since this happened. What. A. Week. #worldcup #98

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

This absolute heartbreaker. Long walk today for a 13 year old. Well deserved snooze. #paw #pillow #izzy

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

Just switched over to SPOTY....I’d completely forgotten that England won the World Cup!!!

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

Let’s be honest. He wasn’t furious about the parties or the light-hearted treatment in the mock press conference. He was furious that they’d been caught.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

What’s happening??? I’ll tell you what’s happening…..some puppy ate the salmon fillets!!

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

Scotland. Out of the Euros, but still showing off. #whygoabroad

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

Ooooh that Nicholas Witchell has got the right hump. No happy with being misled by Buckingham Palace on Wednesday. I think it’s time for the old Queen to abdicate and give the Royal Correspondent’s job to someone else.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

6 years

30 years ago tonight this youngster did his first stand-up gig.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

People might wonder what the straw was that broke the BBC’s back. I think this might be it.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

This new slogan......Stay alert, control the virus, save lives. They’ve dropped the NHS......

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

Just saw Nicholas Witchell’s meltdown on the news there - when bringing us the news of a child. Hope Nicholas is ok and want to reassure him that very few of us give a shit anyway.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Not sure what to break first today... Rule of Six Or Rule of Law

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Izzy. 13 today.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

Hey UK….Anyone seen a government?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

8:55 pm and I’ve just had a call to my landline from ‘David from The Scottish Conservatives’ wanting my views on some local issues. It was a short conversation. Anyone else had their evenings ruined by nuisance calls?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

6 years

@IvankaTrump @CNN @SecretService America USED TO BE better than this. Then your father happened.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

Still got mine…..what’s all the fuss about??

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Morning morons.....I’m off to Barnard Castle to see if my arse still works.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

That North Korean line of succession: Kim Jong Il Kim Jong Very Ill Kim Jong Dead Kim Jong Un Kim Jong Unresponsive Kim Jong Gone

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Ryan Christie......summing up the National mood.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Louie in lockdown.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

6 years

Evening walk with these three.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

It’s telling that the Brexit adverts slogan is “Time is running out” isn’t it? Hardly positive.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

I’m on the next Dragon’s Den show with a robot I’ve invented that can identify traffic lights in photographs.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

Wimbledon. “Oh Oh….. that looks like a familiar bunch” says Andrew Castle as the camera focuses on some people in the audience. They might be to you, but they mean fcuk all to the viewers you twat.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

11 months

Anyone spot what’s odd about my 19:50 EasyJet flight last night?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

Been on the road a lot over the last five days. Driving. I’ve worked out why BMW and AUDI are so financially successful. They clearly only put indicators in every fourth vehicle.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

11 months

Trying, with difficulty, to find the right words about Craig Brown. A man who was respected by all who met him. Our paths crossed many times over the years and I admired him greatly. A year since I last saw him and he was his usual genial self. Condolences to his family.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

6 years

Is it this photo that @realDonaldTrump hates?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

@realDonaldTrump DENMARK! Your turn again now Donnie....

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

Just for clarity, did Johnson say the pandemic will stop on the 21st of June.....or will it stop on the 20th and the 21st is the first day of no pandemic? I’ll let you know when Scotland’s finishes later after we’ve heard from the First Minister. Excited.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

What a result ! Massive congratulations to @gregortownsend and his team. Also @ScottHastings13 brilliant co-comms.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

Good morning. Some Tory wanker at the BBC (and there are many) will be saying: ‘Let’s see how MOTD goes without presenters and pundits…we could save a fortune’. I reckon @GaryLineker won’t come back. Nor @alanshearer . Nor @IanWright0 It’s done.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

@RealJSadowitz This is an utterly dreadful development. The person (or people) who made this decision should be bold enough to come forward and say why.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

Beautiful Izzy. 12 today.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Me: “I think Johnson must be the most incompetent Prime Minister ever.” Mrs F: “You’ve lost a lot of your positivity.” Me: “You’re right. Sorry. I’m POSITIVE Johnson is the most incompetent Prime Minister ever!!”

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

Probably not looking so cocky tonight…😂😂😂

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

8 years

Decided I WILL watch Marcella tomorrow......she might explain what the actual f**k Undercover was all about. #Undercover

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 months

Just catching the BBC News. Five month old twins murdered in Gaza last night. Born on the 13th of October. ‘Some of the images in this report are disturbing’. ALL OF THE IMAGES ARE DISTURBING. Ceasefire now.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

What a champion @andy_murray is. Great comeback from two sets down. Amazing.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

I’m not going to be standing for ejection on 12th December. You’ll no doubt see me on Andrew Marr, Question Time etc over the next few weeks explaining why, but essentially it’s because I’m not a politician.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

1 year

Found a new meaning of the word ‘hope’….it’s when the conveyor belt starts in the baggage reclaim area when you’ve been waiting an hour after landing on a BA flight.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

Nap time.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

4 years

Tough call for Boris Johnson.... does he sack Cummings tomorrow.....or on Monday?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

Can I have one more consonant please Rachel?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

I’ve just signed the petition to revoke Article50. (Still waiting on confirmation email mindyou). Now checking train times to see if I can join the march in London on Saturday. Anyone else travelling south from GLASGOW?

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

10 months

I’m just sick of the lies.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

I’m bored. No-one has resigned for over 20 minutes…..

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

2 years

It’s his last chance to go with a tiny bit of dignity……but, Nope. He’s incapable of ‘feeling’. He’s incapable of honesty. He’s incapable of knowing what’s right from wrong. He’s incapable………..well I’ll leave it at that.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

5 years

Absolutely gutted I didn’t make it into Scotland’s funniest top 60. Really, no like really hoping I make it into the 61-120 list or else my 31 year career will have been in vain. Look I’ll settle for 121-180.

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Fred MacAulay

@fredmacaulay

3 years

That was an amazing stroke of luck that the BBC had their defence correspondent on the very ship that got caught up in Black Sea sabre-rattling episode yesterday.

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