emily @emilykmay Twitter profile

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emily

1 month

not sure if this is something i will continue regularly, but i wrote a quick essay on my recent gym experience and it would be nice if folks read that instead of the daily mail article.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

My cousin got married in the morning and had a huge brunch with mimosas and pastries and I asked her if there was a reason she wasn’t doing dinner and dancing and she said, “because we don’t want to.”

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

my grandfather closed my aunt’s fingers in the door by accident when she was in elementary school and even DECADES later he could not bring himself to talk about it. If someone brought it up as a funny story he would say, “I’m so sorry sweet Elizabeth.”

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

I just told my husband in a VERY DISTRESSED tone that I stepped on a slug on my way back inside and I was barefoot and traumatized and he said to me “RODRIGO??? DID YOU STEP ON RODRIGO?”

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Growing up, I always borrowed my parents luggage for long trips and it was 10-15 years old and I didn’t understand why we didn’t just get new rolling suitcases and now I know it’s bc rolling suitcases are in that category of things I cannot believe are so expensive. Like lamps.

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emily

@emilykmay

7 months

are women ever going to admit that thongs are the most sensory nightmare piece of clothing that has ever existed or are they still going to look at me in my eyeballs and say “i actually find them more comfortable.”

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

The most profound part of Barbie IMO was when she saw the “Miss Universe” billboard and said, “oh look the supreme court!” bc it did not occur to her that women who are beautiful and look “sexy” could not be simultaneously smart, respected, and incredibly accomplished.

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emily

@emilykmay

1 year

I feel like female contribution to the family can be summed up in the simple fact that mothers could absolutely never have a “secret second family.”

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Sometimes I wanna tell Twitter about something nice my husband did but then I remember that lady who got dragged for saying she liked sitting in the garden talking to her husband.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

If you want to know what a pre-9/11 world was like, there was a Full House episode where Stephanie and Michelle are in the airport picking up DJ and they accidentally end up on a flight to New Zealand. And that was a believable plot point.

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.” I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

I cannot get over that when I was 8-10 years old I would call my dad AT WORK and speak with a SECRETARY (“sorry honey! He’s in a meeting!”) and idk if my 12yo knows how to make a telephone call.

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

When your mom watches your toddler for 2 hours.

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Plot twist: someone has to be a partner at a law firm to afford that stove.

Carnivore Aurelius ©🥩 ☀️🦙

@AlpacaAurelius

9 months

ladies, theres nothing wrong with you if you want this over becoming a partner at a law firm

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emily

@emilykmay

7 months

if you become a step-parent to a kid who already has two active and involved parents, consider taking on less of a “parenting” role and more of an “extra adult who loves me and I don’t need to worry about pleasing” role.

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emily

@emilykmay

4 months

i attended the funeral today of a friend's child, a young adult, who died by suicide. the pastor ended the funeral by talking about her being embraced by Divine Love once and for all, and saying, "it was really rough for you down there. you did so well. welcome home."

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

Fyi if you decide, like me, to watch Titanic for the first time in 15 years this weekend IT LITERALLY OPENS WITH A V SOPHISTICATED SUBMARINE EXPLORING THE TITANIC. IN 1997.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

The first year husband & I were married he YELLED out in the middle of the night. I startled awake and asked what was wrong and he said, “I had a dream that you rolled over and your face was actually a demon face.” And then he went back to sleep. Reader, I did not.

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emily

@emilykmay

5 months

all of their parents had been in on it and knew we were getting pulled out of school. we got in the car and made the hour drive to a family friend's lake house. They let us use their boat and tube on the lake all day long. and it's still my favorite birthday.

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

Thinking about how a local mom started a non profit called “The Hot Mess Express” where women VOLUNTEER to go on “Rescue Missions” to help fellow moms who have fallen into overwhelm. They show up without judgment and send the mom off for a spa day and will coordinate childcare.

The Bible Bashed Podcast

@BibleBashed

10 months

I go into houses that look like these every day. Those women are probably all on antidepressants and no one is allowed to say anything to them because they weld their "depressed" label as a club to bash away all moral accountability for their actions.

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emily

@emilykmay

2 months

i have never been in a writer's room but i have been in a room with five other women helping craft a risky text message to their situationship.

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

bizarre that if we got human feces on any bodypart besides our butt, we would never think that wiping it off with toilet paper would be sufficient.

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

Walking my child into summer camp and overheard another child saying he didn’t want to go. His mom said, “hm. I’m sorry. Maybe you’ll change your mind when you see all of your friends! Or maybe you won’t. And that’s OK too.” THIS GENERATION WILL BE SO WELL-ADJUSTED.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

My BFF just got an adhd diagnosis and her therapist suggested that she keep tiny Polaroid photos of all of her friends in her wallet so that she doesn’t forget who her friends are ☠️

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emily

@emilykmay

5 months

on my twelfth birthday, i begged my parents to let me stay home from school. my bff was visiting me from florida, bc she had moved the year before. They firmly said, "absolutely not," and sent me to school. around 10 am, i got a call down to the front office. /1

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emily

@emilykmay

7 months

this box has been sitting in my hallway for *six weeks* and my husband has not asked me what it is, why I haven’t opened it, or if I should ever plan on moving it and this is what it’s like when both partners have ADHD.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

fascinated that anyone in their 20s could have a home decor style beyond “this was free on marketplace”, “this was my grandma’s” or “I live near an outlet mall and checked daily for a year until a couch was marked under $500”

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emily

@emilykmay

1 year

Just going to throw it out there that women feel more confident leaving bad marriages when they aren’t able to be financially abused.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

As a kid, having a different family structure can be isolating and painful. “Bring your grown-ups” can make the kid being raised by his grandmother not dread having to ask if he can bring her to “donuts with dad.” That is not wokeness, that is kindness.

🌸 𝒦𝒶𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇𝒾𝓃𝑒 🌸

@MichHoivata

8 months

The schools here are moving away from "muffins with mom" and "donuts with dad" to just be some sort of breakfast with grownups, and the comments are hysterical. Ppl who are obviously offended at the change telling us how we need to stop being offended by everything.

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emily

@emilykmay

1 year

I need to run into Trader Joe’s and get two items and it will take me 3 minutes. It’s pouring rain and freezing and I have both kids with me. I’m just gonna say that in 1994, my mama would have left us in the car.

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

If I want to give something away for free, I always list it on marketplace at a very low (but not too low) price. And then when someone comes to get it, I just tell them it’s free. It gets rid of the thing faster and with less hassle than listing it for free, somehow.

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

With my grandmother, mom, & two aunts yesterday and my 83yo grandmother said, “I always told my girls, if ANY man you know tries to kiss or touch you, tell Daddy and me and we will BELIEVE you.” And then my grandmother looked at me and said, “You ALWAYS believe your children.”

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

During my pregnancy, I was so sick and only wanted McDonald’s breakfast. I kept seeing the same cashier in the drive thru line and I kept getting bigger and bigger and when the baby was finally born, I took her to McDonald’s and introduced her 😂

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

I am not sorry that I got married young, but my cousin got married at almost 30 and I wish I’d had the same approach to my wedding. She and her husband did what they wanted, not what they were “supposed” to do.

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emily

@emilykmay

3 months

having an ex best friend is such a specifically heartbreaking experience because it was possibly longest relationship you were ever in. and then they......turn into an actual stranger? and at one point they called you 17x a day. like, i know your brother's birthday still.

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Hi, today I virtually WAITED IN LINE to be able to receive an EMAIL and the email means I *MIGHT* get a chance to PURCHASE TICKETS to go to a concert in 1.5 years that I went to 3 months ago.

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emily

@emilykmay

4 days

shout out to the girl i have followed on instagram for 12 years after we were camp counselors together whose husband just disappeared out of all of her instagram photos slowly over time and then she hard launched a whole ass new person like nothing happened!

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emily

@emilykmay

4 months

when i became a parent, i was prepared for the inevitable tantrums over no cookies for dinner or it's time to turn off the tv to go to bed; i was not prepared for the 15 minute tantrum because he asked me for chocolate milk and i gave him some.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 days

my roman empire is wondering which employee at four seasons total landscaping answered the phone and did not inform the trump campaign that they probably meant to call the four seasons hotel, thus creating an unrivaled hilarious historical moment.

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emily

@emilykmay

5 months

one time, i asked my parents why they picked my mom's younger sister in their will if anything were to happen. my mom paused and said, "because aunt susan's pantry is the exact same ours. you could open it, and the cheerios would be exactly where they were supposed to be."

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

In my circles, most of us have been married about 7-12 years and let me tell you, people are getting divorced left and right. And after hearing some things folks have said and done to their spouses, I will take my husband’s particular set of problems tyvm 😳

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

one of the wildest societal shifts happening right now is that marriage has always been optional for men, and now it’s also optional for women. and some people are ✨upset✨about this.

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Every single time the division of household labor comes up, someone will say that husbands should come home to a clean home with dinner on the table after their LONG DAY OF GRUELING WORK. LIKE THEY WERE ALL OFF ON OIL RIGS OR IN COAL MINES. INSTEAD OF POWER-POINTING.

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emily

@emilykmay

1 year

Women filing divorce paperwork ≠ women initiating divorce. A friend of mine’s husband recently abandoned her and her children, he isn’t filing for divorce. He’s leaving that task to her, since she has done all of the “life admin” thus far 🙃

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

I had a water birth in the hospital when I had my daughter and I had to take a class beforehand where they referred to all other birth as “land birth.”

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Spanking teaches your children that the people who have been tasked with keeping them safe will hurt them intentionally and then tell them that it’s bc they love them.

The Gospel Coalition

@TGC

9 months

Spanking is unpleasant, and it teaches our kids that sin is unpleasant. It shows them, in a tangible way, how repulsive sin is.

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emily

@emilykmay

22 days

"taylor is a billionaire pop star, why do you think she's relatable?" taylor: "my ex boyfriend forgot to stop sharing his location with me and i watched it as he walked into a bar and then i started spiraling."

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emily

@emilykmay

7 months

me: i really don’t think i struggle with depression also me: wakes up one day and for the first time in months is suddenly able to focus, make appointments I’ve been putting off for a year, CALL PEOPLE BACK WHO HAVE LEFT VOICEMAILS, and start jotting down a meal plan 😊😊😊

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

Growing up, my parents had a weekly date night. We didn’t have money, so they traded off babysitting with my aunt and uncle for a long time. They always told us it was important that they were taking time for just the two of them.

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emily

@emilykmay

7 days

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, "hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it's empty. what do i do?" and poison control is basically like, "do they seem fine?" like i could have called any boomer.

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

Jill Duggar texted her dad and said she felt like he was verbally abusive. He responded by screaming at her. And her reaction, while seemingly instinctive, hit the nail on the head. “You treat me worse than you treat my pediphile brother.”

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emily

@emilykmay

3 months

a thread of why taylor swift is actually brilliant: in "the archer" (which is about anxiety) she makes the whole song sound like the beat is about to drop....but it never does. because that's what anxiety feels like.

Meghan Murphy

@MeghanEMurphy

3 months

@MeliR143 It's because everyone says she's brilliant and she's not and it's very weird to me. The obsession with her is weird.

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emily

@emilykmay

3 months

my 2yo demanded a "skateboard song" at bedtime (idk how he knows what a skateboard is ???) and i told him i did not know a skateboard song but he insisted and so i sang "sk8er boi" and he went straight to sleep.

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

On preschool mornings, my husband gets the kids backpacks ready and makes their lunches and I get them dressed. Whenever there’s a glitch in the system and my husband dresses them, it’s *always* in clothes that I literally did not know we owned.

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emily

@emilykmay

3 months

my dad just put on disney plus for the grandchild, meanwhile when i was a child at my grandparents i had the following entertainment options: •angels in the outfield •the princess bride •recorded dallas cowboys games from the 1980s • a documentary about pope john paul II

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emily

@emilykmay

7 months

my husband and I were long distance for the first 6 months of our relationship and he flew to Dallas *eight* times on $90 round-trip Spirit flights out of Atlanta. ….and he had to drive 5 hours to Atlanta. IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD.

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

He lived through the Great Depression and I swear this was more traumatic for him.

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

I just found out that the submarine did not even have windows and now my confusion is next level. They would just watch the titanic on a screen!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULD YOU NOT JUST SEND THEM LIKE 100 FEET BELOW AND SHOW THEM A VIDEO.

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emily

@emilykmay

5 months

i will never get over men who are furious that their wives can divorce them "without cause." for most of history, men have been able to abandon their wives and children with *zero* consequence. only in the last half century has their been the tiniest bit of accountability.

Smash Baals

@smashbaals

5 months

Women can literally: -Divorce their husbands without cause -Kill their unborn child -Dress practically naked in public And be celebrated for it. Our society worships women.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

I loved my wedding but I did so many unnecessary things just bc I was trying to follow the social script for all the weddings I had gone to 😂

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emily

@emilykmay

2 months

i will write about it when i am less triggered but, I, a 32 year old mother of three, just got "dress-coded" at my gym by an older white male manager.

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emily

@emilykmay

1 month

having adhd is so embarassing bc i am forever learning Brand New Information about basic life things that my peers have apparently been aware of for decades.

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

This generation of women was told growing up that we did not need to be maids, but the men weren’t given the same memo 🫠

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

It feels like it should not be hard to pay someone to sit on my couch and watch whatever streaming service they desire and eat our food while my children sleep.

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emily

@emilykmay

13 days

i got on threads for two seconds and wow there really is a place more annoying than twitter

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

Marriage for a long time was an economic choice that was made by necessity rather than desire. Women in particular are now shifting to getting married if they want to, not because they have to. It is interesting to see which subset of men feel threatened by that.

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emily

@emilykmay

6 months

my mom just retired in time for my 24yo sister to get her first 100% remote job but my sister wants coworkers so she goes to my mom's house every day and works there and forces my mom to be her coworker 💀

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emily

@emilykmay

7 months

I will never be posting what I buy from the grocery store bc I have an autistic kid who eats exactly 5 things, all of which are on some list that Perfect Mothers would simply NEVER feed their kids 😊😊😊😊😊

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

But apparently this was not Rodrigo and he was relieved and went to sleep

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Do y’all remember being adamantly told to NEVER EVER say that your parent(s) weren’t home when someone called the house phone? “She’s not available to come to the phone right now, can I take a message?” still rolls off my tongue like I’m 7 years old.

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

My 2yo just asked for “one more tiny kiss” 🥺🥺🥺 and it’s almost like earlier today I didn’t think to myself, “there is a reason that the baby box at the fire station is too small to fit a toddler in there.”

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

I saw a TikTok where a husband says to his SAHM wife, “you’ve been riding on my income for 10 years” and I petition to gather up these men for a game show./1

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emily

@emilykmay

6 months

did we all have a “best friend” whose favorite pastime was subtly tearing us down and downplaying our success or just me

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Ok I am blaming this on less cigarette smoking and that we all wear sunscreen now

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

My hot take is that millennials are actually better at technology than Gen Z because we had access to technology when it was BAD and unintuitive and everything gave you a virus and we HTML coded our MySpace pages.

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emily

@emilykmay

7 months

jason kelce joked on his podcast that he was wearing shorts at an event bc his wife was running late & she was bringing his jeans. travis kelce starts laughing and says, “why didn’t jason bring jeans for jason???”

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Idk if this strategy will work very well for the conservatives ngl

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emily

@emilykmay

2 months

jesus really was dropping so many easter eggs about his upcoming death and resurrection, if the disciples had been swifties they would've caught on much more quickly to what was happening.

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emily

@emilykmay

5 months

all of my school friends were in the office, looking confused. i asked why all of them were there and they each had different reasons. Dentist, doctor, etc. and then my parents showed up & said that we were leaving to go to a secret destination for my birthday. /2

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emily

@emilykmay

24 days

ok so i was never much of an exercise girl bc i thought it was hard, and now that i have gotten past it being really hard, my new problem is that it is SO BORING.

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emily

@emilykmay

5 months

my brother's wife intentionally looks for family activities that are inclusive of my autistic daughter, her niece. if they ever split up, i've told my brother that i'm keeping my sister in law 🙈🙈

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

We are paying off our car in half the time and the fact that this will make our credit score go down will never not be a scam 🙃

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emily

@emilykmay

6 months

i am obsessed with 20 yo travis kelce

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emily

@emilykmay

3 months

does anyone else ever feel guilty about their....lack of capacity/bandwidth for things that others seemingly do with ease?

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

My 23yo sister has had the same pink blanket with flowers from Old Navy since birth and she had a meltdown to my dad bc “blankie” was falling apart and my dad found a seamstress to restore blankie AND found her a duplicate blankie on eBay 😭🥺

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Sometimes I think about how teenage girls are reviled and everything they love is deemed silly and frivolous and yet teenage girls are so deeply sexualized in our culture and its like the misogyny dial is turned up….and then those girls become women recovering from being teens.

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emily

@emilykmay

5 months

like a good millennial woman, i watched "he's just not that into you" when i was 21 and it changed my life and......were there women who were always privy to the information that movie held?

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emily

@emilykmay

6 months

my most feminist opinion is that mom should get as much leisure time as dad. sure, you can go golfing on saturday. she'll be going to brunch sunday for 5 hours 🤷🏻‍♀️

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

Ok doing this to your TODDLER is deeply messed up. Older kid who understands humor and who you know will find it funny, sure. But that’s a BABY who does not understand and you *hurt* them, laughed at them, and then posted it online?!!! WTF.

Alma

@glumirror

9 months

The way social media makes people do crazy shit like this to their children… we are so detached man

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emily

@emilykmay

5 months

i am 32 years old and still use my parent's landline phone number at my local grocery store to get the member's rewards.

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emily

@emilykmay

11 months

He named the slug.

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emily

@emilykmay

9 months

“Don’t coddle your kids, the world is brutal.” You’re correct, the world can be absolutely brutal, but HOME SHOULD NOT BE. Your children will be better equipped to deal with an unkind world when they know their home is safe.

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emily

@emilykmay

3 months

i have a theory that the smartest/deepest/most insightful people absolutely love reality tv.

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

My autistic, nonspeaking daughter has not waved since she was 21 months old. She just turned 5. Today, my brother was leaving our house, and he said, “bye Luci!” And she, unprompted, waved. We were stunned. 🥺❤️

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emily

@emilykmay

1 year

My autistic daughter had the same therapist for 1.5 years and we were devastated when she left to go to grad school 6 months ago. She stopped by to visit her today and I just 🥺😭🥺😭

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emily

@emilykmay

10 months

Obligation sex can have a profoundly negative effect on your sex life. When you think about the amount of evangelical women who were told “you may not always want it, but sometimes we do things we don’t want to do.” But neurons that fire together, wire together. /1

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emily

@emilykmay

8 months

It was a common TV romance subplot in a pre-9/11 world where someone is running to an airport gate to convince someone to not leave….bc anyone could show up to an airport and breeze through a simple metal detector, without a boarding pass or an ID, shoes still on.

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emily

@emilykmay

7 months

how. how can they be more comfortable. if they were the most comfortable, all of our grandmothers would be wearing them. not granny panties.

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