Ryan Totsling @dumbface5000 Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@helicoptero2024

Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

@PopBase It should air on the Oxygen network

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

@SonyaShaykhoun Assuming you’re licensed to practice law you’re a walking example of a license not being determinative of quality

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

@Morbidful Queen shit

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Before dating apps I used to have to lure men by singing until their ships crashed into some rocks

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

Need advice on pursuing men because running towards them at full speed isn’t working

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Welcome to our lair we are having Chinese food for breakfast

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

7 months

Sorry I’ve been gone, tensions escalated while I was stuck at a research base in Antarctica being hunted by an alien as it assimilated into other life forms, it was a whole Thing

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

Me as a detective at the scene of a murder: looks like someone wanted this guy dead

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Summer is coming so I made sure to buy a very practical black denim jumpsuit

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

I look a little portly here and I like it pls send me all your beef jerky

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

You can tell a lot about a person by breaking into their home and going through all of their belongings

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

This is a joint account again

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

7 months

Last day at my job and they expect me to work

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

Got charged a weird fee at the vending machine at work so nonchalantly asked an assistant about it & it’s since been escalated to the head of food and bev and 17 people on the email chain from 4 different departments know I used a credit card to buy 3 bags of hot Cheetos at once

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

6 months

God forbid women have hobbies

Barstool Sports

@barstoolsports

6 months

The Police Are Searching For A Women Who Stole A Truck With 10,000 Krispy Kreme Donuts

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

6 months

Not sure why premium gasoline is more expensive than the others because it certainly doesn’t taste better

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

pov you just asked me to exit the bounce house

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Imagine it’s your first day on the job as a super hot fed in the “infiltrate small internet political groups” unit and you get assigned to the libertarians

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

2 years

@wavghian I offer them a seat on my lap every time

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

Explain this

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

6 months

Getting leg shortening surgery so I can fulfill my dream of becoming a small business owner

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

7 months

untitled

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

If I defended Murdaugh the first thing I would’ve said was “my client did not commit this murdaugh” and then the jurors would’ve all high fived me

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

I woke him up

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

Two kinds of people on Valentine’s Day

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

If you don’t have a valentine tomorrow it’s probably just because of your looks and/or personality

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Need advice for approaching men because running towards them at full speed doesn’t seem to be working

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

3 months

Sup ladies

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

3 months

Oh nice a book made of human skin and written entirely in Latin I think I’ll read some of it out loud

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

POV I liked your post

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

My boss: hey you got a sec? Me: I have all the secs Boss: what? Me: what?

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

For $1,699.99 I will sell you the gf experience by telling you I don’t know where I want to eat

New York Post

@nypost

1 year

I only had $40 to my name after my divorce, now I earn $1,700 a day selling the ‘girlfriend experience’

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

pov you’re my handsome short king and the restaurant forgot the french fries with your order

Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

pov you just asked me to exit the bounce house

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

24 days

Hey girl are you a pirate because that chest of yours is a treasure

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

7 months

So baked bro

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

7 months

Never heard of this clothing brand before but stumbled upon it at urban outfitters and I like the cute skeletons they use!

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

Suspicious activity notification from my bank when I joined the gym

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Friendly reminder that men with hair are just bald men who have hair

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

10 months

The most important part of a job interview is knowing when to lean in for a kiss

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

@ATFHQ 25 children

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

5 months

Planning to end it all by putting heavy rocks in my pockets and walking into the ocean but the rocks just pull my pants down and everyone laughs at me

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

We had a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

You ever take a selfie and think wow I probably wouldn’t like this person if I met them

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

6 months

“I wonder why I don’t do well on dating apps.” The photo on my dating app:

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

This filter has a little 90s-style date stamp on it and I even said “fun!” out loud when I applied it, and yeah maybe that’s cringe but idc I cannot be stopped

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

5 months

Clock on the microwave and a clock on the oven but then the fridge is just there not caring about the time, just chillin

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

7 months

My doctor has me on a “clear liquid diet” but I’m almost out of vodka

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

I don’t care if you think another woman is better looking than me but if you tell me she’s funnier than me I’m out

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

6 months

LOOK AT THIS

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

2 years

Pro tip post your most flattering photos on social media

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

6 months

I love when winter is here because I don’t get as sweaty while eating my soups

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

2 years

For Halloween I’m going as a mid clown (myself)

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

2 months

Been only wearing my headphones at work lately but HR has requested that I also wear clothes

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

5 months

I’ve never finished a jigsaw puzzle because I always feel full after only a handful of pieces

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

So far my dentist and Arbys have remembered my birthday so yes it’s the best one yet

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

7 months

They should put little baggies next to the nuts and bolts section at Home Depot like a fun candy shop & so I don’t have to eat them directly out of my hand

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

Just constant disappointment on his face

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

pov: you’re the email that found us well

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Imagine it’s your first day as a Chinese spy and they assign you to the dorky balloon job

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

This photo was taken right as I saw hamlet jump on the counter behind me even though we have a strict no toe beans on the counter policy

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

A meeting of the idiots

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

7 months

Cracking my back isn’t enough I need to be trampled at a Black Friday sale

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Trad

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

If Biden is going to keep giving Zelensky billions of dollars the least he can do is present it in the form of a giant novelty check

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Looking at myself with the front facing camera while you threaten to report me to the state bar

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Rom-com is short for romantic communist

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

People need to check their egos on this app but not me I’m better than all of those people, in fact I am the best

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

First night as a cat burglar went well I knocked 11 glasses off my victims’ counters

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

7 months

I dare me to post a full pic of myself

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

27 days

An actual couch potato

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

I fought 12 sharks yesterday and beat two at a game of darts but the real winner is my post-ocean hair

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

An eel getting diagnosed with clinical depression, call that mental eelness

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

3 months

Hi, I’m dad

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

My ancestors hunted in the wilderness so I could get stressed out in a Trader Joe’s parking lot

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Waking up to a home intruder and yelling “get out of my houthe” because I still have my retainer in

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

One-upping the women who post nudes by posting my x-rays

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Gas station worker just asked if I was ok because I’d been staring at the candy for so long

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

Boop vengeance is upon us, it is the day of reckoning

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

I like that paperclips hold paper together but without the commitment of a staple

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

3 months

I woke him up again

Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

I woke him up

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Look at this pho tograph

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

He has a full calendar of meowtings today

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

2 months

Tfw you have to spend all 9 of your lives with me

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

2 months

Best birthday I love hitting the wall

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

4 months

Go ahead and check my Internet history

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

2 years

Hey guys just getting ready to go see my new dentist can’t wait to show him all the teeth I’ve been collecting

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

6 months

Let this be a message to all wrapping papers this holiday season

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Ryan Totsling

@dumbface5000

1 year

Last time I took Hamlet to the vet I was told that Hamlet is a “senior” cat. I thought the vet said “señor” cat so I very seriously said back: “Si, Señor Hamlet.” Now my vet: