Chris Murphy @christress Twitter profile

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Chris Murphy

2 years

my bitterly divorced grandparents who do not speak to each other are now sharing the same nursing home and don't know it yet... it's giving hijinks its giving sitcom it's giving farse it's giving laugh track

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Last Seen Profiles

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

and how much did each minion make? #minionunion

Variety

@Variety

2 years

Steve Carell made $12.5 million for his role as Gru in #MinionsTheRiseOfGru .

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

I’m a fucking genius

Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

If Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom name their baby Daisy then their child’s name will be Daisy Bloom and i think that would be powerful enough to end the virus

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

"We need a superhero that's" stop that. we're adults. we need universal health care and a 4 day work week

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

once i invent a beverage that makes you want to keep living between 3:15 and 4:48 pm it's over for you hoes

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Chris Murphy

@christress

8 months

I was interviewing Kirsten Dunst and she was like “i love your sweater. Where is it from?” And i was like i have no idea and then she walked over checked the tag and said “Wow, it’s Forever 21. You wear it like it’s a lot more expensive.”

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@gothamhiphop

8 months

What’s your favorite interaction you’ve had with a celebrity?

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

nothing but respect for MY EGOT winner Viola Davis who actually won every award for actually performing (not producing) which is way rarer than you think!! a true queen!

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

Sobbing and screaming at my public defender boyfriend because he hasn’t used his fancy law degree to free britney yet

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

Good News: the 45 year old Italian man i had sex with on the beach in Fire Island last summer who instagrammed a photo of the moon with the caption “awesome night” after cumming inside of me and then ghosted me reacted to the tasteful nude i posted on close friends with “😍”

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

I… have no words

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

Dying two weeks before your massive 100th birthday celebration is, in its own way, darkly, perversely funny. RIP Betty White a truly hilarious queen until the bitter end. she got the last laugh

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

Every day i tutor a white, male child who is one time out away from becoming the Joker

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

this literally feels like the movies that we complain that we don't get anymore. funny irreverent rated R comedies for adults who aren't obsessed with Disney...also JLaw was always underrated as a comedic actress...plus a jimmy award winner... yeah i'm here for it!

No Hard Feelings

@NoHardFeelings

1 year

A girl's gotta 𝘥𝘰 what a girl’s gotta 𝘥𝘰. Jennifer Lawrence stars in #NoHardFeelings , coming exclusively to movie theaters this summer. Watch the red band trailer now!

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

currently thinking about the 29 and 32 year old couple who have advanced degrees in policy and business who earn about $250,000 a year and are almost $1 million in debt (over $100,000 of that being his credit card debt)

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

The American education system is broken beyond repair

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

“I had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell I’m living” - a French prostitute in 1823 and also me rn

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

Its not that i want to vote for Joe Biden its just that i dont want to... die? Does that make sense?

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

If Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom name their baby Daisy then their child’s name will be Daisy Bloom and i think that would be powerful enough to end the virus

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

Spending 10 dollars on one banana today in honor of Jessica Walter

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

Me, every 2 minutes of this interview

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

Texting every white family i have ever tutored “Thanks so much for the Juneteenth tip” and then “Sorry! Meant to send that to another family!” just to see what happens/pay off my credit card bill

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 months

Taylor Swift fully ignoring Celine Dion like the disrespect even Celine was like… que?

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Chris Murphy

@christress

25 days

it's almost like if you produce too much... too fast... in a brazen attempt to completely saturate and dominate a market rather than having something important or even halfway interesting to say... the art suffers!

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

no like it's so crazy that our first American Idol has one of the best voices of all time like it really didn't have to work out that way we are so lucky Kelly Clarkson is the one thing America has ever unequivocally gotten right

MILKY WAY GHETTO 🌌

@JayJurden

1 year

🚨🚨🚨 SHE AT IT AGAIN!!!🚨🚨🚨

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

adele dazeem dethroned

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

i am choosing to believe that Ana De Armas and Ben Affleck breaking up means that quarantine will end soon because they started dating in March 2020. This is my groundhog's day

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

Bridgerton wants what Brandy’s Cinderella has

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

When Angel in Rent sang "times are shitty, but i'm pretty sure they can't get much worse" she honestly couldn't have been more incorrect

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

“WAP (Glee Cast Version)”

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

@addieyomind If you’re hot enough you can ghost me and stay on my close friends i am a modern woman i contain multitudes

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

sick and tired of everyone ignoring that the best part of this phenomenal video is her use of the term "camp friend"

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@savbrads

1 year

this tiktok of sofia coppola’s daughter… this means so much to me

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

@chrissyteigen I had a solo in the opening number of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in 2005. I sang about my dad being in the army, but he never was a soldier he worked in business development 🙃

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

ok so Olivia Wilde made a special salad for Harry Styles which upset her then husband Jason Sudeikis who was married to Kay Cannon who wrote and directed Cinderella which starred James Corden who was recently banned from Balthazar by restauranteur Keith McNally

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 months

Ayo and Quinta emmy winners on MLK day

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

ok CBS just offered me 700K to develop this into a multi-cam with James Earl Jones and Phylicia Rashad tentatively attached

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Chris Murphy

@christress

5 months

each day i understand her more

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Chris Murphy

@christress

6 years

On second thought, Chaka Khan taping her lyrics to the back of her fan is, in fact, the eternal mood #ArethaHomegoing

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

alright i went back to CBS and renegotiated (they knew what i meant) but due to scheduling conflicts we're going with Danny Glover and Debbie Allen! Shooting on location and at SilverCup Studios <3 look out for Dentures and Divorces on CBS's fall lineup!

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

Yesterday, the 40 year old woman who lived next door to me died (RIP) while i was watching mare of easttown and now her apt is a crime scene and no one new what to do with her dog so i took him and am now coparenting him with one of my other neighbors and sort of want to keep him

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Chris Murphy

@christress

9 months

overheard on fire island: "remind me to tell you i have really delicious tea about malala"

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

they rescinded the offer after they realized i spelled "farce" wrong, but FOX is interested if we "take it in a different direction" and cast Clint Eastwood and Rosanne Barr...

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

Now why do lukas gage and i look like we have been in a committed relationship for the past 6 years

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

I actually know for a fact that no one wanted to play with Taylor as a little kid because my friend grew up with her in Reading, PA and said one time when they were kids Taylor came over and hid her pet hermit crab in the freezer, effectively murdering it, and showed no remorse

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

I’m gonna say it based off of these commercials… Marketing, as an industry, is in a state of CRISIS

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

and just like that we blew through Princess Di weather (sweatshirt, bike shorts) into Brokeback Mountain weather (shearling denim jacket, ten gallon hat)

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

Sally Rooney stans, sharpen your knives…

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

it's liza but willing to accept arguments for carrie fisher, jane fonda, maya rudolph, and sofia coppola

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

Michaela Coel following *that man* and his aesthetic vibe show and delivering a perfect, succinct, gorgeous speech for her work of literal genius? couldn't have written it better myself!

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

i don't know who needs to hear this but a lot of you dress exactly like Portia to me and it must be said

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

I want all the think pieces tomorrow! Let’s talk about how the queen of queerbaiting beat out an album dedicated to the POC LGBTQ community, and what that says about culture writ large! If you write it i will click on it and share! The discourse starts now!!!

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

What in the ever living FUCK is an All-White production of Hairspray and how can I see one before they are banned forever

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Chris Murphy

@christress

5 years

If i was gay first and you have the audacity to turn gay after me you are legally required to treat me with the level of respect and admiration that you reserve for your grandparents, foreign dignitaries, and favorite pop stars sorry i don’t make the rules i just enforce them

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

BTW his name is also Chris but couldnt figure out how to put that in the original tweet my life is a movie

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

Every white lady between the ages of 46 and 62 with two+ kids and the fear od God in their hearts take selfies like this:

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

Why do 2 MIT grads think its impressive that they can tell me what my favorite wine is it’s not impresive my favorite wine is wine

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

Summer fun! 🏖❤️ (*private island all tested negative multiple times wear a mask ❤️)

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

If i were Sabrina Carpenter and some girl sang “she’s so much older than me” in any song it would be on sight for life just saying

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

you want me to ride a peloton? you mean the thing that ****** ***

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

I will probably come to my senses and find a nice home for him his name is Jedi he’s very sweet and definitely confused easily and looks like William Howard Taft

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

it's not coffee, it's not water, it's not seltzer, its not juice, its not soda, its some mysterious 6th thing...

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Chris Murphy

@christress

20 days

Someone shouted out “We love you Rachel McAdams” DURING a scene while on OPENING NIGHT of her BROADWAY debut. Truly maybe worse than the woman who vomitted on herself during Merrily. Rachel was a champion bc shes an ACTRESS but we have a theatergoing epidemic if u suck stay home!

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

what is the most devastating line from a musical of all time and why is it "I think there's a time to come to New York and a time to leave. Enjoy your party"

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

when i say something mean in a gc and no one immediately validates it

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

not now

Variety

@Variety

4 years

Christopher Nolan defends #Tenet box office results

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

really feel like tweeting right now but i'm not trying to get Taylor Swift Eras tickets so i'm gonna be an ally and sit my ass down and listen

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

give the nurse who said "ok?" when meeting Andrew Rannels an Oscar

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Chris Murphy

@christress

5 months

i intentionally use the word gay instead of queer to describe myself because i had fun in college and have a good relationship with my family

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Chris Murphy

@christress

5 months

*me and my sister watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City* My grandmother: Are they supposed to be pretty women?

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

So you’re telling me that Miss Rowling woke up today in her castle and decided that what she needed to do was further cement her status as a dumbass TERF instead of keeping her mouth shut, counting her money, and then donating a large portion of it to Black Lives Matter? Ok then

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

at the time of watching this i didn't know dave ramsey was some weird evangelical dude but honestly that's not the point of this, one of the most shocking videos i have ever seen

ACE CRISTIAN JAVIER 🇵🇷

@sportynory

1 year

This is absolutely INSANE holy mother of god

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Chris Murphy

@christress

5 months

My anecdotal research of spending one (1) day at home has proven that Dads loooooooooove that SNL sketch where Nate Bergatze is George Washington talking about systems of measurements

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Chris Murphy

@christress

5 years

Russia deciding whether or not to interfere with our next election

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

Not to be a huge 🚬 but i can’t believe LogoTv messed this up and didnt say Ben Platt and Noah Galvin, two former Evan Hansens, said Yes “For Forever” like do i have to do everything myself my god

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Chris Murphy

@christress

5 months

This is how some of ya’ll sound on here no shade

A Film By Beyoncé

@ianolympio

5 months

“May December is good but didn't address the conflict in Ukraine.” - @christress

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

i know we've moved on from this part of the news cycle but i think Anna Konkle and Maya Erskine's performances in Pen15 are just as good as Jeremy Strong in Succession (!!!)

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

babe wake up The Other Two is (finally) coming back to HBO Max on May 4th and I have the first look photos!

‘The Other Two’ Is Taking “Big Swings” in Season 3

Vanity Fair has your first look at the critically adored comedy’s next round, which premieres on HBO Max May 4.

www.vanityfair.com

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

lady gaga giving full open mic energy at the oscars like you don't understand i'm obsessed

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Chris Murphy

@christress

25 days

what i'm trying to say is that it's boring and opening a diary and singing what's inside over different combinations of the same 4 notes is not enough anymore... grow as an artist! you've done it before (reputation! folklore!) you can do it again

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

a truly unhinged day lies ahead of us

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 months

John Mulaney absolutely crushed his audition to host the Oscars next year... he's running

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

they announce that it's Amber Riley

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

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Chris Murphy

@christress

11 months

Let me be very clear: Molly Shannon is an angel from on high who does not deserve any of this. Mike White better be click clacking away in that white lotus final draft document ready to bring back Kitty for season three

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

~*Some personal news*~ I’m v excited to be joining @VanityFair as a Hollywood Staff Writer next week. High School Chris who spent hours in a basement editing the Arts page of the newspaper is pretty pumped right now not gonna lie

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

sorry, i'm in an absolutely need to know state of emergency about this dentist who will bang your husband?

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

By the time you turn 29 you should have a crippling addiction to at least one of these franchises: Big Brother, Survivor, Real Housewives, Drag Race, The Bachelor, or Love Island

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

the way we all will be re-engaging with White Lotus discourse at this time next year... absolutely chilling to consider

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

John Legend… most available man in Hollywood. Has never turned down a gig before… would play your cousin’s bat mitzvah if you sent him a nice enough DM

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Chris Murphy

@christress

5 months

Page Six

@PageSix

5 months

Brad Pitt wears hand-painted $6K cashmere shirt for 60th birthday party

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

i miss going to a party and meeting a random gay, deciding we are sisters, and then never ever seeing that person again knowing i will follow them on insta for the rest of my life

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

@r__philly yes, this is the closest thing we have to a solution but i feel in my heart that we as a society can do better

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

lord grant me the ability to give as few fucks as Jerrod Carmichael

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Chris Murphy

@christress

1 year

ruth carter first Black woman to *ever* win two oscars which is an absolutely amazing and infuriating statistic!!

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

i like living alone but the one downside is no one can hear me when i run the table on a Jeopardy category :(

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Chris Murphy

@christress

3 years

The Only Fans decisions feels like when my theater camp marketed itself as a place that was okay to be gay but then tried to kick my ass out when they caught me [redacting] a [redacted]

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Chris Murphy

@christress

4 years

@eleonorecondo As parasite taught us, capitalism rests for no tutor and as we learned from marriage story, white 10 year old boys suck at reading

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Chris Murphy

@christress

2 years

Everyone’s talking about no-labels Styles but no one is talking about how Jason Sudeikis took this pic with me and my friends at a gay bar in 2018 during pride. THIS is what allyship looks like people!

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Chris Murphy

@christress

23 days

@TommyBoyce13 Shut up and put your money where your mouth is that’s what you get for waking up in Bushwick!!

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