Casey Johnston @caseyjohnston Twitter profile

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

He’s not lost. he’s free

Matthew McCormack

@historymatt

2 years

On my bike ride this morning, saw a delivery robot lost in the woods

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Last Seen Profiles

@JoWiedner

@itsmr0

@Reggie

@aerithisbaby

@MarziaPie

@yonkoujean

@SPMIndyCar

@Carrefour_qa

@timiszn__

@AteoBreaking

@s_8dy

@Krisbol

@miso_soups

@InterMat

@MyPhysicalNFT

@Nor___r

@isa_oO2

@hvbr1s

@slacy_

@Inderes

@_NotAya

@CO2_earth

@almaeng_01

@ddylexx

@tjstargell5

@NASDAFoundation

@woshisuchang

@RMU_ID

@woshisuchang

@luvlytotchi

@_Chip_maru

@mame_kuri_

@DirtyMoMedia

@CdPlatformu07

@KosmicKait

@88mk23

Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

damn........ the dress worked

President Biden

@POTUS

3 years

It’s time the super-wealthy and big corporations pay their fair share in taxes.

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

"NFT guy finding out NFTs are just jpegs" never gets old

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

8 months

Boy math is paying $44 billion for a $25 billion company and, through business smarts and entrepreneurial know how, turning it into an $8.8 billion company

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

When you say “Are you free for a call sometime?” The “I’m free right now” people are the absolute most chaotic

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

if i were google maps i would simply show the names of the streets instead of leaving them blank for 40 scrolls in either direction

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

1 year

@ranjodhd Nurning anninant

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

7 years

“oh no, not court” —judges

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

finding a therapist is simple, just contact 50 people, 25 are no longer in network despite their listing, 15 don't answer, 5 have switched to $600/hr life coaching, 2 don't like your vibe, one now only does pets. the one you pick will stop responding and you go with the other one

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

really regretting the "CUOMOSEXUAL" tattoo I got with 14 of my best girlfriends when our pod went on our socially-distanced-when-possible girls' trip to cabo in april

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

this rules so much

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

its the water temple

Kaye Blegvad

@kayeblegvad

4 years

MTA explain yourself

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

8 years

ppl like "what's with Hilary's pantsuit, she looks like a interplanetary leader from the future" FUCKING DUH DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

1 year

i'll never forget that bon appetit video that was pitched as "a breakfast sandwich for when you are hungover" and it's like a nine hundred step sandwich. the guy is like "so you just finely dice your soft herb medley. boom"

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

fuck a basketball game i want to watch the bucks on the phone w the AG of wisconsin

philip lewis

@Phil_Lewis_

4 years

Wow. @TheAthletic is reporting that the Bucks players are in the locker room trying to get in touch with the attorney general of Wisconsin.

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

Damn, the very obvious thing people were telling Twitter to do for five years turned out to work

The Washington Post

@washingtonpost

3 years

Misinformation dropped dramatically the week after Twitter banned Trump

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

ive been on twitter what feels like my entire life and ive never seen before what they're doing to this palestinian journalist's account

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

Cats can really just stare at you and be happy like that. As an activity it fills up their whole walnut brain

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

5 years

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

5 years

sports analytics

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

if i made power strips i would simply make the outlets more than an eighth of an inch apart so you could actually plug six things into them instead of just two

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

So I want to understand the cultural context in which Being John Malkovich happened, like what was Malkovich’s specific deal at that time that they could meta-title a movie about him like that. If they made Being John Malkovich today, who would it be instead of John Malkovich

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

5 years

give Marianne the nomination so she can announce her running mate, a Himalayan salt lamp

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

VICE laid me off today, but I did what I came to do: great work with my beautiful team. We all die (pivot to video) but not all of us truly live, and by god the life team lived

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

I am sure why; the paychecks are not hittin and the workplaces are bad

U.S. workers have gotten way less productive. No one is sure why.

The productivity plunge is perplexing, because productivity took off to levels not seen in decades when the pandemic forced the switch to remote work. But that growth spurt was short-lived, even as...

www.washingtonpost.com

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

5 months

i stand by it

Kristi Yamaguccimane

@TheWapplehouse

5 months

Reply with your best post of the year. Not the one that did the best numbers necessarily but the one you’re proudest of

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

relatable

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

President Biden

@POTUS

2 years

These kinds of mass shootings rarely happen elsewhere in the world. Why are we willing to live with this carnage? Why do we keep letting this happen? Where in God’s name is our backbone to have the courage to deal with it? It’s time to turn this pain into action.

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

nuked from orbit

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

the New York health department is about to drop vaccine appointments at 8am to all the people my age as if we haven’t been studying the blade of Ticketmaster all our lives

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

If I were the running back in any football game, instead of running directly into the pile of guys, I would simply go around

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

1 year

This is such a funny thing to hide up your sleeve until the very last second. Like being the designated driver for a bank heist and the rest of the team comes flying out the doors with the money and there you are on a unicycle

Ban on Beer Is Latest Flash Point in World Cup Culture Clash (Published 2022)

Qatar’s about-face on alcohol signaled that FIFA, soccer’s governing body, may no longer be in full control of its showcase championship.

www.nytimes.com

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

as we all know, the classic sign of being the one who is actually right is not being mad, but laughing

Void Mother

@Lollyfist

2 years

@caseyjohnston @Ragnell No no! It was a joke! He has a wife!

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

[checks clock at 1:40pm]: I have a call at 2 [1:42pm]: I have a call at 2 [1:44pm]: I have a call at 2 [1:48pm]: I have a call at 2 [1:52pm]: I have a call at 2 [1:53pm]: I have a call at 2 [1:55pm]: I have a call at 2 [1:57pm]: I have a call at 2 [2:17pm]: EVERY GOD DAMN TIME

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

We are saying “second dose” when we should be saying “dose dos”

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

@SCOTUSblog oh no anything but the decorum

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

8 years

TECH CO: how do we retain talent WOMAN TRYING TO HOLD BABY AND LAPTOP SIMULTANEOUSLY: help TECH CO: lets increase the free cereals to 37

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

the evidence is clear: all the doomscrolling worked

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

6 years

us (dumb, bad): facebook data breach facebook (smug): it can’t be a breach when its working exactly like it’s supposed to. wait don’t write that dow

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

6 years

a situation that kris jenner does not have control over terrifies me

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

6 years

my thing that i think about a lot is that in nyc you can request a tree to be planted on your block for free by the city and when the tree comes it has a sign on it that says “i’m your new tree, please take care of me”

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

6 years

the process of iud insertion is absolute bullshit and violence, there are a million ways it doesn’t have to be the worst pain of your entire life but no one tries to make it better because people could give a shit about women

If men had to get IUDs, they’d get epidurals and a hospital stay

Insertions of the best method of birth control can be blindingly painful during and after, but all women get is a single over-the-counter painkiller. Why?

theoutline.com

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

5 years

As a couple you should own a minimum of the following: -one nothing wrong with me -two nothing wrong with me -three nothing wrong with me -four nothing wrong with me -one something’s got to give -two something’s got to give

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

goddamn this article SO validating for me, a person who spends the entire movie/tv show turning the volume up and down and up and down and up and down

Here's Why Movie Dialogue Has Gotten More Difficult To Understand (And Three Ways To Fix It) -...

/Film spoke with several Oscar-winning sound designers, editors, and mixers to learn why it has become tougher to understand what characters are saying.

www.slashfilm.com

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

1 year

@Cobratate @GretaThunberg Andrew Tate sir, don't listen to all the people saying you are a pathetic has-been who had his balls ground into a fine mince and served to him well done by a young child. Your silk robe clearly demonstrates who is the big dog here!

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

If coronavirus had arrived like 20 years ago can you imagine what the situation at blockbuster would have been

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

8 years

every olympic event should be preceded by one normal person trying to do the thing literally at all

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

The task I put off for a month took 20 minutes

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

Oh boy the “I’m free right now”s are, as it turns out, free right now, to prove they are NOT chaotic

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

my god i forgot the entire category of "not taking new patients"

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

6 years

i love netflix’s new layout, “scroll carefully because the little title cards are autoplay video lava"

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

summoning circle hope this works 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ Miley cyrus 🕯️ cover of 🕯️ Running up 🕯️ that hill 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

Kyle Griffin

@kylegriffin1

2 years

Reuters: Amazon has told staff it will pay up to $4,000 in travel expenses annually for non-life threatening medical treatments including abortions.

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

not drowning but waving

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

1 year

@APStylebook

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

@fbnewsroom this tweet appears to contain words but all i hear are little baby crying sounds? can you explain

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

i think we have to try communicating with more of the powerful elderly in big red text and see how that does us

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

1 year

Crazy to think that like 20 years ago if you were late to meet someone for dinner, you’d arrive and they’d be just sitting there staring into space. Maybe folding their napkin into different shapes

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

5 months

hard to pick a favorite from this sequence but few 90 seconds bang harder than jack meeting cooter burger of the failing US government

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

yeah..... that'll do it

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

8 months

I’m glad so many in the replies have asked, “a company is worth what someone will pay for it” is boy math and “billionaires buy restaurants to hang out in” is also boy math

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

i won't stand for any tom-holland-as-nathan-drake shade, he gave us the rihanna umbrella lip sync battle can do whatever he wants

Tom Holland

@TomHolland1996

4 years

It’s nice to meet you, I’m Nate. #uncharted

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

i’m telling my kids this is van halen

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

We are taught in school that presidents and mayors were great and important men in their time and then we grow up and experience a few presidents and mayors ourselves and come to learn they’re all just some fuckin guy

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

"We would rather nobody buy any Frito-Lay products, Fritos, Doritos, Tostitos, Funyuns, Cheetos, all those, while we're on strike. We make all of those in Topeka, Kansas."

I'm a Frito-Lay Factory Worker. I Work 12-Hour Days, 7 Days a Week

Hundreds of workers at the Frito-Lay plant in Topeka, Kansas are striking for the first time.

www.vice.com

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

Mom: can you help me schedule a vaccine 30 year daughter with seven vaxx websites open on three devices across WiFi and a personal hotspot: well well well if it isn’t miss “nsync will sound the same live as they do on the cd” years 1997-2000

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

@ethanhardy an older gingergbread man passes two younger gingerbread men and says "morning boys, how's the gingerbread?" and the two gingerbread men stand there for a bit before one turns to the other and says "what the fuck is gingerbread?"

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

I do not really want to see any “I didn’t understand how bad climate change was until it affected me personally” pieces, right up there with “I thought all women should be kept in cages and then I had a daughter”

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

This isn’t mission impossible let’s make a firm low stakes plan for the near future like two grown ups

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

when i say bookmark this i don't fuckin miss

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

okay time to set the record straight and clear my name

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

1 year

Ok now imagine this guy is also in charge of a company that makes cars that people drive no-hands down the highway at 65 miles an hour

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

5 years

@tinybaby @davekarpf area 51 but for going to bret stephens house and calling him a bedbug

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

my technical commentary has been requested: no reason to do kipping pullups unless you are competing, and actually competitive in, crossfit, which MJG need not worry about since crossfit said a few weeks ago "we want nothing to do with this bitch"

CrossFit Is Finally Fed Up With Marjorie Taylor Greene

Marjorie Taylor Greene’s political identity is tightly intertwined with CrossFit. After a year of scandal at the gym, it’s finally distancing itself from Georgia’s bigoted conspiracy theorist...

www.buzzfeednews.com

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

. @aoc do medicare for all next

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

6 years

remember that viral meme where people posted facebook statuses like "facebook i FORBID you to use my information" in light of this situation, i do not think it worked

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

many are saying Giuliani is dripping Just for Men hair dye here but, you know when a septic tank is too full of shit and seeps to the surface of the yard? i think that's his brain

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

You don’t have to pay for Twitter Blue to get half the ads, they are literally all gone now

Jason Schreier

@jasonschreier

2 years

Can't imagine why all the advertisers are pulling out of Twitter lmao

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

did aesop stutter

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

A tweet just for me but today is the day my dad died 15 years ago, and in doing a little research today, based on age and high school basketball league, I learned he probably played against Anthony Fauci; sad I will never know if my dad crossed him up

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

I chime in with a havent you people ever heard of limited trade to protect firms

Reuters

@Reuters

3 years

Robinhood CEO says limited trade to protect firm and customers

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

no one is asking the big questions about re-openings, like where are any of us going to pee. one person in here fully peed their pants in public, the madness is only beginning

Where Will We Pee When We're Out in Our Half-Reopened States?

Public and business bathrooms aren't reliably open or safe from viruses, and people are peeing their pants in public.

www.vice.com

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

a non-zero number of people are claiming that there WAS supposed to be a real robot demo but there was a last minute problem. yeah let's get the last-minute dancer up there with the last-minute unitard fit to his body that we didn't plan to have lying around

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

@BrandyLJensen lkdfj;lk

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

The number one question people ask me is “how did you get into lifting weights?” and I had to start with the bad reasons I wanted it to learn the good reasons I needed it

I Didn’t Start Weight Lifting Because I Wanted to Be Strong

I was still obsessed with dieting. But eventually, I saw what I’d been missing.

www.thecut.com

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

we tripped and hand-edited her bio and individually all her tweets by accident

Twitter Said It Restricted Palestinian Writer's Account by Accident

The impacted account belongs to Mariam Barghouti, who was on the ground reporting on protests against the expulsion of Palestinians from their homes in East Jerusalem.

www.vice.com

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

What is the worst activity you would tolerate if it meant you could be out in public normally again? I’m between “standing for the two hours between when the doors for a concert open and any bands actually start playing” and “union pool but only after 2am”

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

5 years

rich people talking about how to make money

Kendra

@kendrawcandraw

5 years

Well fuck me

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

incredible: Trump says the other team was modding and could never have 360 no-scoped him without it. They were also camping the spawn points; he’s looking very strongly at this

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

4 years

fuck it: two exclamation points at the end of every sentence in every email

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

many are getting upset at the idea that i'm saying the dress literally caused biden to make a statement on taxes. for the record: yes this is definitely how i think everything works

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

5 years

No one: Houseplant people: you’re either watering it too much or not enough

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

HE WENT AROUND OH MY GOD HE WENT AROUND

Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

If I were the running back in any football game, instead of running directly into the pile of guys, I would simply go around

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

2 years

excited to start production on my film about these tweets, which i now own due to taking screenshots of them

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

3 years

i love to put money in my "high yield savings account" so it can give me literally three hundredths of one cent per dollar every month. that's free money

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Casey Johnston

@caseyjohnston

7 years

* @jack improv show* If we could get a suggest from the audience *cacophony of racial slurs and threats to rape his mother* I heard "NFL"

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