angela wheezy @carpeangela Twitter profile

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

2 months

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

5 months

haaate that couch sleepy does not transfer to bed sleepy

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

3 years

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 month

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

4 months

goodnight i love you

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

5 months

@apbinaz literally couldn’t keep my eyes open on the couch now I’m just layin in bed wide awake like a bozo

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

4 months

hey. im one of the people who does a specific and noticable thing right after you wake up so you realize youre in a timeloop. yeah im the guy who drops a bucket of paint off a ladder haha. yeah its a thankless job but i get paid per loop so like dont learn your lesson too quick

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 year

@jzux i don’t bring headphones to the gym i just workout in silence & ambient noise

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 months

@GatorsDaily

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

4 months

@planetgraves Niice

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

2 months

date idea: i take you to throw a variety of rocks off a bridge into the river

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

Today was such a waste of cute panties

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

8 years

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn't one of the choices listed

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

You guys are so funny sometimes I forget the inevitable death of all things and the futility of all our actions in a meaningless universe

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

I just watched the girl next to me google "lack toast and tolerant symptoms" Symptoms: you have no toast but it's totally tolerable.

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 month

oops accidentally shitposted my way into a bunch of meaningful friendships

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

"Ooh ooh and bring snacks" -how I end most conversations

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 months

@SandyFrizzle can’t believe i missed this 😭

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 year

obsessed w this AI generated video of will smith eating spaghetti

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going" -Me, every time I drink

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

I'm home alone so obviously every noise is a rapist

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

21 days

@LocalDingus no he is NOT!! 😭

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 year

gotta get hotter & weirder

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

I wish "that time of the month" meant I turned into a werewolf instead of leaking blood out my vagina

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

If Die Hard isn't your favorite Christmas movie you're lying to yourself and you're lying to Jesus.

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 year

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

The first guy to ride an animal probably died like immediately

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

4 months

good morning i love you

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

9 years

"Why do you have so many bagels?" He says, ending our friendship

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

9 years

Fuck baby centaurs that'd be scary af. Their horse half would be all robust with their baby half just dangling there.

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

I'd empty my bank account to have you next to me right now So I guess you're worth like $24.80

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

I just took a personality quiz and got "sandwich"

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 year

gm it’s thirst trap thursday 😏

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

3 years

@anthony_burch @br00t4lism i’m not hot enough to fuck guys w clean glasses

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

4 months

good morning I love you

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 months

@highcanthrope @sickfootfour bro just one more concession to respectability I promise just one more concession to respectability & it’ll fix it bro

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

2 months

this is so hot

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

2 months

89 bookmarks okayyy 👀

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

I wonder what it's like to meet me

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

9 months

@jetgreguar

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

So it turns out they don't let you boo at strip clubs

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

Me: [anything] Him: [anything] *huge argument*

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

I wish my waist was as small as my self esteem

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

5 days

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 months

just adopted this cat with a green ribbon around its neck & you'll never believe what fuckin happened

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

And for my next trick I'll ruin everything

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

"Please don't ruin my life. Please don't ruin my life. Please don't ruin my life." -Me, every time I meet someone new

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

Of course you look fat when you cry. You look fat the rest of the time too. It's called being fat.

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

4 months

we match

angela wheezy

@carpeangela

5 months

I made these shelves ☺️

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

Adulthood has a lot more crying than I expected

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

Not texting me back is the new black

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

respond "neato burrito" when he tries to sext you

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

Whatever people with "friends" and "plans". What the fuck ever.

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

*ordering drugs* Ahem yes I'd like one crack please

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

5 months

I made these shelves ☺️

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

My favorite thing about a text fight is the part where even after we're finished I can reread every mean thing you said over and over and ov

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

4 months

If you can’t handle me at my worst, & I can’t handle me at my worst - then who’s flying the plane??

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY TWEET CANT BE SENT AT THIS TIME THE INTERNET NEEDS ME

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

"No." - Me, to stuff

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 month

what if I got weirder

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

2 months

ok one more 💋

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 months

@ecco401k and it’ll cost you $32

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

3 years

sounds suspiciously like something a rat would say but ok

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

I may not be the prettiest girl here but I bet you I'm the girl with the most cookie dough in her purse

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

Relationship status: Just laughed so hard at my own joke I drooled

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 days

good morning i love you

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

7 months

@MeganBitchell it never occurred to me that people would think it’s normal liquid blood

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

FUCK YOUR STUFF -kids

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

11 years

When home alone & scared someone is going to murder me I remind myself I'm broke & well below average so I'm not high on the list. I'm fun.

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 year

I am your ideal woman: 6'8, 250lbs of pure muscle. ONLY eat beef, cannot read & DO NOT want to learn. I own 19 dirt bikes & they all have flames on the side. Looking for a VERY compact man to ride on my shoulders so i look cool.

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

2 years

i’m conventionally attractive but developed a personality anyway just to flex

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

1 month

@RaptorBreath see you get it!!

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

This year has been such a waste of birth control.

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

9 years

Scream "I AM LITERALLY PERFECT" into the faces of potential suitors

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

Dating tip: You pick the girl with the most food and the darkest beer

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

Someone on fb asked how I got so skinny but I didn't think "depression and wanting to die" was a fb appropriate answer so I just hit "like"

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

2 months

ouroboros can have a little ouroboros as a treat

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

6 years

Everyone measures their dick wrong. It’s not about length or girth, you have to measure displacement. Get a measuring jug, fill it w water. Drop your meat in the water, it will overflow. Measure the displacement. Dicksplacement.

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela

10 years

Imagine all the schools you could build with the money it took to make Transformers 4

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angela wheezy

@carpeangela