#ThisWayUp
Series 2 is now ALL available to watch on
@hulu
in America,
@Channel4
(
@All4
) in the UK & Ireland & on
@stanaustralia
in Aus where you can also find series 1. It's got so many people you love or are soon to love in it. I hope you like it, I wrote it just for YOU.
Comedy has lost one of the greats today. Sean Lock was so much sillier & anarchic than he would often let on, his comedy could sit between silly & edgy, acerbic politics. He was often a loose canon on panel shows & you never knew what to expect, Jimmy would often be…
When I was in primary school I learned 2 languages & also how Jesus was tortured til he looked “like a rasher” & then how he was nailed to a cross & how his mother grew him from a seed with just the help of an angel. But yes, grasping same sex love at that age would be mad. 🏳️🌈
Today is the day we celebrate the day where Jesus said to his friends “lads, before things get a bit heavy - and I’ve a BLOODY feeling that they will, not looking at you JUDAS. Wink! -but will we all go for a load of pancakes?“
Big shout out to all the freelancers who won’t be able to tell the difference between self isolating for Coronavirus & a completely normal day at work.
Aisling Bea (
@WeeMissBea
) has been nominated for the Breakthrough Talent Award for her work as the writer of This Way Up in the 2020 BAFTA Television Craft Awards (
@BAFTA
).
To all the women and men who protested, marched, voted, the women who had to travel, who were shamed & forgotten or died, who were taken to work in laundries for their adult lives, who were told & treated like they were less than human...
I thought I was afraid of climate change but it turns out my greatest fear is men and women dressed up as cats thinking they are cats and singing as cats in catsuits.
Is the true test of love not that you'd die for someone, but that you'd give them a bite of your lovely piece of toast or that you'd get up to get them a glass of water, even though you really, really don't fucking want to?
I used to mock Love Islanders when they'd get so excited to leave the villa for a 20minute date sat at an IKEA table with some olives & now I say "Thanks, Bye" to the local shopkeeper like he's the Glastonbury headliner & I've had 24 Red Bulls.
When Ricky Martin was writing Living La Vida Loca & came up with the rhyme of "her skin's the colour mocha", he must have been relieved he was not writing a song about an Irish woman in winter because Loca does not rhyme with "bruisey ham".
A bomb and a young journalist killed. In 2019. What signs might the British Government need to prioritise Northern Ireland? To have peace not brushed aside or taken for granted like some annoying cousin they’ll think it’ll stop being related to if they ignore it. Heartbreaking.
…I was very fond of him. He loved his wife & kids so much & always talked about them backstage. My heart goes out to them & everyone he worked with for decades. He’ll be missed. I’m sad we won’t get to to be silly again around a giant clock we didn’t care about again.
#RIPSean
As one of the few people in “the team” who is on social media because I’m a
#Hip
#teen
, Thank you to everyone who has watched/ binged/made love to
#LivingWithYourself
on
@netflix
& more thanks to everyone who loves my South African accent in it.
Hi guys, I'm taking a break from social media for a while as I need to go & make myself a cup of tea. I'll be back in about 4 to 5 minutes, but I just didn't want any of my followers or enemies worried about me. Sometimes It is good to take stock & be brave like that, you know?
APPARENTLY people who send dick pics to you online don't want photography feedback, even though I really think I have a good eye . If they could just remove themselves emotionally from the (constructive) criticism, it would actually be a great chance for them to improve.
I will not judge the Durham Tourist Board for using this to their advantage.
"Durham - you'd kill to get here"
"Durham - it's not technically illegal"
"Durham - a quick drive from London without traffic"
"Durham - so many Cummings!"
"Durham - to show your kids you care."
I sneezed in a taxi yesterday & the driver rolled down his window even though we both knew what he really wanted to do was stop the car, force me out of it with a pistol, put a bullet in me & push me & the car into the river then run away towards a better future in the mountains
I put rosemary oil on myself today because I love the smell & it perks me up, but then someone in the office keeps asking if "anyone else can smell a roast chicken?". I've told him not to be silly and that he's probably having a stroke.
I did a podcast once where I'd a slightly heated debate about gender equality & when it aired, I got rape threats & a shit tonne of abuse off the back of it, so it does irk a LITTLE to see a stand up get a standing ovation when he actually sexually assaulted people at work.
A man with a notepad came to my door today, said he was a struggling artist & could I donate some cash? I said of course, maybe he could draw me a picture of a terrier dog while I go get money - I wanted to support him & I love art & dogs!
This is the art I bought today:
A great thing to say when people ask you why you’re not drinking is
“I’m breast feeding”.
And when they say “I didn’t realise you had a baby” say “I don’t”. Then wink and sashay off.
"You stayed at the house of a convicted sex offender"
"It was a convenient place to stay". It must have blown Prince Andrew's mind when he found out that in exchange for some of the money he had, he could stay in a HOTEL & that there are actually quite a few in New York City.
I get asked about having children so much in interviews, when we're talking about my achievements, views & work, that I'm beginning to think I might have HAD some children, forgotten & the journalists are worried that I've left them somewhere.
#HasAnyoneSeenMyChildren
?
Utterly heart breaking, what a loss. Every actor looks & looked up to Helen McCrory - so brilliant and gripping and transformative and those who knew her as a friend really loved her. On Quiz last year & she was just so bloody cool, with funny anecdotes & stories and...
…left with genuine tears rolling down his face. 8 Out Of Ten Cats was my first big TV gig & as a young comedian starting out who was also very silly & spoke a lot, he never patronised me & always treated me like an equal which was a big deal given what a big deal he was…
BA lost my luggage but luckily I was able to fashion an outfit for
@JimmyKimmelLive
from some items in the hotel. Just like Maria in the Sound of Music.
OBSESSED TO MEET
@SeanHayes
who was guest hosting this week. I had an excuse to touch him IRL, what a rush.
I just met a man on the street who had befriended a limping fox who he’d just found by the bus stop. He let me stroke him like a dog (the fox, not the man). They seemed so calm & happy together & not at all sly. Sort of like a real life Saturday twilight fairytale 👨🏻🦊
If
#Meghan
gets to play Meghan in The Crown episode of this, then maybe just maybe the door to the next dimension will open, we can all step through it & leave this burning, war-riddled globe behind to start afresh.
Jesus Christ. Trump's address just now was one of the darkest yet. I am so sad & sorry for my friends, followers & loved ones in America having to live through this presidency but especially for the Black community. This is the rhetoric of a racist dictatorship.
#BlackLivesMatter
I worry the UK & Ireland will never come to an understanding about a border because the UK can't understand Irish basics like giving children scratch cards to mark significant occasions or making them to look into grandparent's coffins whilst adults sit nearby eating sandwiches.
Remember when we laughed at Tom Hanks in Castaway for becoming best friends with a volleyball & now, ten weeks into lockdown, we’re all like ”Please don’t speak to my flip-flop Derek that way, he doesn’t enjoy shouting.”
Is it feminist or sexist for me to want to shout out a car window as I’m passing by a woman walking down the street to tell her her top is lovely on her and ask her where she got it?
Wow. This lil clip of mine from the Apollo has had over 24 million views on just Facebook alone. At a time where advertisers are about to bombard you with ways to fix your outside or reach an impossible physical goal, let's not panic & all just try our fuckin best.
Dear younger comedians or fans, if I ever invite you into my hotel room, there is a 99% chance it will be to explain to me how the TV remote works & a 1% chance to give you the free toiletries I don't want.
Never Ever Don’t Wash Your Hands- I’ve found it, the perfect song. All Saints were ahead of their time.
Also I’m not playing a piano, the music is coming straight out of my lady land, that’s why it’s not in shot.
I accidentally bought bio-degradable dog poo bags instead of bio-degradable food caddy liners & now use them to store things in the freezer like bread & veg instead of plastic freezer bags, which is great except my freezer looks like I enjoying freezing bags of dog shit.
My Uber driver pulled over to pray for 3minutes & I took the time to look at Twitter. Then he offered me a granola bar because he was worried I’d be hungry. Unfortunately he has rejected my request to live in his Uber with him as it’s the nicest, calmest place I’ve ever been.
Shout out to anyone parenting. I am pretty sure I don't have any kids, but can't imagine what it must be like to have to manage their minds/healths/educations/futures this year. There is no joke in this tweet, but feel free to remember your favourite joke once you have read it.
I love British & Irish people. It’s lashing rain & everyone is walking through it in their summer clothes, cycling to work in shorts & flip flops like they’re all actors in a play about the day it was hot & sunny. Like sheer balls & optimism will bring the sun back.
America has just gotten Lidl- for too long they've had to go to separate stores to buys fresh oranges, gilets, wine, foot baths, picnic baskets, boxes of CHAKOLAT bars, pyjamas, tents, mini hoovers, fresh bread, CRANCH KRIZPIEES, bee-keeping masks & unicycles. I wish them well.
If you ever see me staring out a window with a troubled look on my face, it’s most likely because I’ve been caught by the “but WHY was Scooby’s diction so bad when his younger nephew Scrappy had perfect English?” conundrum again. It happens every five years or so.
Donald Trump tweets like he's in level 2 of an English as a foreign language class and is completing the "write a letter to your parents about your day out on the school trip" portion of the homework.
London part of trip is going really well. The Queen and the entire Royal family have been fantastic. The relationship with the United Kingdom is very strong. Tremendous crowds of well wishers and people that love our Country. Haven’t seen any protests yet, but I’m sure the....
The worst kept secret is out! (I said it months ago on a podcast, Sharon said it months ago on a podcast & Prince Phillip said it months ago in an interview) Series 2 of
#ThisWayUp
is official & films in January. Very excited to get the band back together & start jamming, man.
Thinking of journalist Lyra McKee today, murdered in Northern Ireland at an age and time when she should have had the same rights as people in the rest of Ireland and the UK to marry her girlfriend.
Sara Canning, partner of murdered journalist Lyra McKee, tells
@JackieLongc4
the Northern Ireland same-sex marriage amendment passing in Westminster today is "absolutely momentous" but she is "heartbroken because the person I wanted to marry isn't here to see it happen".
#C4News
Been thinking a lot about men of late - not in a sexy way, but maybe in a kinder way given the amount & kind of responses from writing the below. Please look after your heads the same way you're encouraged to look after your biceps.
#InternationalMensDay
I would love
@BBCTwo
to please re-air or put back on iPlayer historian
@DavidOlusoga
's documentary "Black and British - a forgotten history". I watched it a few years ago when it was on - it was a lightbulb switch to see what huge gaps I had in my historical knowledge.
Things my skin reacts to:
Stress
No stress
Sadness
Hope
Contact with beards of 1-80 days of growth.
Sun
Sun protection.
Over an ounce of cheese.
Trying things.
Trying not a thing.
Air conditioning.
My hands.
The mere thoughts if its own existence.
Wool.
The narrator on Great British Menu just said that someone was "busy boning the mackerel" and I laughed and did not want to selfishly keep that laugh for myself so here you go.
Imagine having the confidence in yourself to have a white couch in your house. A white couch. As your main or only couch. The sheer SELF BELIEF required to buy a piece of investment furniture to - at MINIMUM - sit on & for it to be the colour of before anything happens or exists.
Devastated by the news that "brang" does not exist and is not the past tense of "bring". Wondering how I managed to have brang so many people to parties and brang my A-game at all times if it was impossible to have ever brang anything at all.
Question: Aisling are you going to go see Ireland in their first ever World Cup Final game tomorrow and the players are all women? And it is being played half an hour away from your house?
Answer: You fucking bet all of your children I am.
Why can we not vote online? If you can apply for a visa & bank securely online & the traditional walk-into-a-school-PE-hall can be hacked or meddled with anyway, why is it not online & way more accessible & something people could do at home or work with ID/ a code/proof..etc?
Me with my dentist when I excitedly realised that my appointment was for 2.30. If you don’t get this joke, you’ll never be a Dad or write for Xmas crackers. (He is smiling underneath his murder mask).
I HAVE LEARNED A LOT BEING IN ROME FOR A MONTH BUT THE BIG MIND BLOWER I WANT TO SHARE is that “panini” is plural of “panino” & if you’re asking for “one/a panini” you’re as much a fool as the man who asks for “one/a sandwiches”. 🥪
A difficult post to write, with an easy request- buy/pre-order
@robdelaney
’s book A Heart That Works. It’s utterly brilliant & I read it in 2 days. But it wasn’t an easy read because it’s about the loss of Rob’s beautiful son Henry, who was my little pal.
This look for the
#GQAwards
was very easy to pull off - all I needed was 1 hair dresser, 1 makeup artist, 1 stylist , 1 hand made dress, 1 giant red carpet, 1 photographer with lighting, 1 great friend on tit watch & 1 big bunch of people excited that a Hemsworth was behind me.
The British Government’s view of Northern Ireland reminds me of how the Dursleys underestimated Harry Potter and thought he was just their inconsequential nephew who lived under the stairs.
If I was a really high powered pedophile with the FBI circling me having already jailed one of my close friends, I’d be soooo delighted that people cared more that my nephew’s pregnant wife was on the front pageS because of an email. DAMMIT IT WOULD ACTUALLY BE CONVENIENT FOR ME.
DOCTOR WHAT NOW? Finally able to tell you-whovians who are interested, that I will be appearing in a very special New Year’s Day big fat Doctor Who Special alongside the Tardis trio Jodie, Mandip &
@JohnBishop100
,
@theadjani
& a cameo from Ireland’s Queen Pauline McGlynn.
Jesus. For god’s sake vote this week & please don’t vote this man into power. For the NHS, for your friends, for anyone who wasn’t born into exceptional amounts of privilege with a blank cheque to behave and speak without consequence, apology or empathy.